Hey everyone,

I'm a 24 year old male and I've struggled with depression for a long time, but I'll keep my story to mostly about the last year and a half because that's when my real downward spiral suffering began. It's also a very long story but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible though I apologize if it is kinda lengthy. I wouldn't usually do this, but I've really been taking a lot of solace in the fandom lately and I'm posting here to maybe help feel a little less alone and hopeless for reasons I'll get to later. Anyone in this wonderful fandom who reads this and responds would be highly appreciated and really go a long way.

I graduated from college in May 2016. Ever since then I've kinda been lost as far as the direction I wanted to take my life. I struggled with depression and substance abuse throughout most of college, though I still managed to keep my grades up and have somewhat of a social life. I've been on numerous anti-depressants and have seen many counselors and whatnot over the years which all in all did basically nothing to help. Compared to more recent times it wasn't that bad though.

Anyway in August 2016 out of the blue I started to have random bouts of just severe excruciating pain in my lower back. It probably happened once every 3-4 days or so. Eventually I went to a doctor who determined it was likely a kidney stone stuck in one of my ureters. For anyone who's ever had one of those... you know how bad it is. It's so painful it makes you vomit even though it has nothing to do with your stomach, like somebody stabbing you in the back for several hours straight. So after a month and half of this, I eventually had a surgical procedure called a cystoscopy where basically the surgeon removes the stone.

Anyway so that happened, and it was also around this time that also out of the blue I started to develop strange neurological symptoms such as a tingling/numbness sensation all over my skin (paresthesia), kind of blurred slightly distorted vision, and thinking/memory problems. This became the real source of my suffering which I'll get to in a bit.

These symptoms continued to slowly intensify over time, which more or less sucked most of what little enjoyment in life I had left up to this point. In December, 2016 out of the blue I began to have moderate pain in my nose as well as trouble breathing through it. In January, 2017, the severe pain in my lower back returned which of course turned out to be another kidney stone. In early February I had another cystoscopy done which was of course a whole lotta fun. In late February, since medications weren't helping the pain and inflammation in my nose and sinuses, I had sinus surgery done to "fix" it. This was the worst single event that's ever happened to me in life, as while it made it so I could breath through my nose again, it increased the pain as well as the weird tingling in my face probably three fold. Ever since it constantly feels like somebody just punched me in the face, despite the nose doctor stating nothing being wrong anymore after the surgery.

Anyhow my neurological symptoms continued to slowly get worse over the course of last year. The doctors at first thought the pain was the result of severe depression and mental in origin which I thought was absurd from the beginning but oh well. So I went to several different treatments including intensive counseling/therapy, TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) and more anti-depressants which all did nothing. Yes I'm definitely depressed, but who wouldn't be if they were constantly in pain with no escape? But my depression in recent times is almost certainly a result of the inescapable pain, not the other way around like the doctors thought.

In October things really started to go downhill as my neurological symptoms started to become very severe and debilitating. The tingling started to morph into more of a burning sensation. It kind of feels like someone is intensely rubbing sandpaper all over my skin as well as ants crawling all over me at the same time. My vision also got worse and my thinking and ability to concentrate really suffered. I also started to develop two new fun and also constant symptoms, intense muscular pain (definitely my worst symptom) and tinnitus (ringing in the ears).

By this point I couldn't really function at all anymore. I couldn't go out and do things with my friends or really do anything. Most of my time was spent just laying on the couch or in bed in agony. In November my parents thought enough was enough and they took me to the hospital. There I just continued to just lay there the same way in a hospital bed for the next month and half. I had many many tests done, including an MRI scan of the brain and many needles poked into me for blood tests and whatnot, which all came back normal. Eventually the doctors started a new treatment called ECT (Electro-Convulsive Therapy) which is for people with very intense treatment-resistant depression. It's a really scary therapy which involves being put under with anesthesia and having one's brain get shocked. However for a while this actually seemed to somewhat help my symptoms, especially my muscular pain, tinnitus, and thus my mood a bit. I improved enough to leave the hospital and go home at the end of December. It's questionable whether it was really ECT that helped me though.

I continued to have the ECT weekly until the middle of February, and during this time I was actually feeling a little bit better and I was able to do some things again such as hang out with my friends who have thankfully stuck with me through all this. All my symptoms were still there, but definitely not as intense as they were as when I was in the hospital. I thought maybe I was finally on the up. However despite continued ECT suddenly my symptoms started to get worse again, especially my paresthesia (tingling/burning skin). By the end of February my doctor finally acknowledged that perhaps my symptoms are neurological in origin and not directly a result of depression so he stopped my ECT treatment (thank goodness). The doctors now think I probably have some bizarre neuropathic pain syndrome, possibly severe Fibromyalgia which has no cure, but maybe can be treated and helped somewhat with nerve pain meds.

Though definitely not as bad as last fall in the hospital since I don't have severe muscular pain or tinnitus anymore, March so far has been a really rough month, considerably more so than January and February, as the tingling burning sensation on my skin for whatever reasons has been off the charts, more intense than it's ever been. Though overall not as bad as when I was in the hospital, in a somewhat different way I've been really crippled again lately and unable to really be out in public again or do much of anything as I am too debilitated. I'm trying new nerve pain medications, but so far nothing has helped yet.

Anyway, I make this post mostly because I've been intensely lonesome as well as somewhat hopeless as a result of everything I've been through. It's been a very lonesome last six months or so especially. My parents are here for support as well as friends... but just the inability to partake in anything normal anymore due to excessive constant pain and no quality of life has left me mostly isolated. For the last few weeks the only way I've felt up to communicating with others is through my phone/computer. Though MLP has always been a good anti-depressant for me and I've been in this fandom a long time, I've really taken solace in it a lot lately. I'd love to communicate with anyone through the comments here or whatever, and it doesn't necessarily have to be about my problems. I'd talk about anything really.

My sincerest thanks to anyone who read my really depressing story here, especially those who respond, and I hope all of you have a great day.

Well, you know we are here for each other.

6364752
I hope you too have a great day, and a great life ahead of you. Sorry to hear that happened to you.

6364775
I know and that’s part of what makes this fandom so great.

6364828
Thanks!

6364752
Modern médecine is really cool because it can cure most things. It will be able to cure your neurological issues I'm sure. And then you'll be able to live a better life.

6364881
Thanks! I sure hope so, because I’d say I’ve been pretty unlucky so far. You’re right it is pretty amazing for a lot of reasons and hopefully I’m on the right track now as far as treatment goes :)

You are most definitely not the only one in this fandom who suffers from depression. Your medical problems are less common and I hope you can find the strength to push past them. At least you have doctors who can help fix what ails you as best they can.

Some of the bitterest members of this fandom are saying that this fandom is dying. I disagree. It's not quite what it used to be, but so what? When I first got into this fandom over four years ago, it's because for the first time in my life I found myself writing fan-fiction. Something I never, ever thought I would do. Writing stories about candy-colored ponies? Pah! Four years later, I have written twenty-three stories and have cranked out several MLP-inspired sculptures. This fandom isn't dying, it's continuing to inspire people like you and I.

I now have fans, something that still amazes me. I get comments and have had readings done of my stories, which gratifies me and helps me forge ahead to new projects. Some folks have quit this fandom, but i don't plan to. Why would I walk away from something that has changed my life for the better?

This fandom, I dare say, has improved your life as well. The new season's coming up soon, Youtube has pony videos galore, Deviantart and Derpibooru has more pony art than you could ever have time to see. So dig in, buddy. Let the art, music and stories take your mind off your troubles, for that is what we all do here.

I hope my passionate chatter has helped.

6364921
It might take some time but they'll definitely be able to find out what's going on and they'll almost definitely be able to help a lot.

I am very sorry to hear about this.

6364752
Hi,
It's three in the morning and I'm still up. I guess I'm still within my promise to the Mrs. that I'd be to bed before 5am so I guess I'm technically ok. I did want to let you know that I signed up on FimFiction to make sure I could drop you a note. Not a long one as the sleepy meds are REALLY starting to kick in. I'm 56 and I've suffered from depression pretty much all my life so I understand the psychological pain you're going through. It can and will get better as long as you hang in there. It's tough now, I know, with all the physical stuff you're going through. I get my pains, mostly from having screwed up most of the major joints in my body. But again nothing like you've gone through.
I do have a neurological disorder called essential tremor though, and had noticed it about 45 years ago. It's gotten much worse over time and I cannot carry a glass of water without spilling. It'll get so bad that in 10 years I don't think I'll be able to feed myself. Went to the neurologist to try a different med, but I was already on the 3 top meds. They are instead going to do surgery on me. Brain surgery! Deep Brain Stimulation it is called (I'll let you look it up.) Actually 3 surgeries, but I'll be awake when they drill holes and insert probes into my brain, and quite frankly I'm scared to death. It's got me very nervous and depressed just a bit, but mostly anxiety. I can't even look at a needle!
While you have the pain and I have the fear, we both suffer the same mental anguish. Let's see if we can't get through this with the help of our pony friends. Pony Therapy I call it, (though I don't bring it up in group anymore), They really don't know what they're missing. Please feel free to write.
Jeff

6364752
Yikes.

I sincerely wish you all the happiness today and for the rest of your life.

6364966
No, the fandom is not dying, it is just loosing some of the "Me too's" But the core fans will always be here.

I am actually a fairly new comer to the fandom, but my loyalty has grown and I have no plans on leaving, thus I consider myself as part of the core members.

6364966
Thank you for the kind words. Your passionate chatter is definitely appreciated, as I am very passionate about MLP as well.

I agree. I don't think the fandom is dying, it's just changed. I've been a member of this fandom for a long time... since 2011 near the beginning of it all. I remember when ponies were all over the place, both online and in real life. I recall being in high school/early college and seeing people decked out in pony gear all the time. I think what's changed most about the fandom is I think that initial "wow" shock-factor has mostly worn off at this point, like anything would that's been around for a long time. I believe a lot of people joined in the early days because of that shock-factor, it was all exciting and new and nothing like it had ever happened before. As a result I think a lot of those people that joined in the early days joined for the culture... and not as much for the true love of the series and the fandom. Dare I say it was kind of the "hip" or "trendy" thing to do at the time, at least in terms of internet culture.

Obviously there are exceptions to this, but in general I think over time as the shock-factor started to wear off a bit, I think a lot of those casual fans from the early days started to leave because of just that... they weren't the true fans. This shouldn't be interpreted as the fandom "dying", as I believe this occurs with anything that was once new and exciting and has been around for a while. The true core dedicated fans like you and me, which there are also plenty of, are still around and always will be. It has definitely changed mine, yours, and many others lives for the better, so I agree. Why ever leave? And you're also right in that it continues to inspire new people to this day. So yeah, pony on.

Oh believe me recently I've turned to pony to help cope to the hardcore. I've spent a good percentage of my time recently reading stuff here on Fimfiction, re-watching older episodes of the series, and doing pony related things in general. It's definitely been #1 way I've coped with my health woes in recent times, and I've never been so grateful for its existence.

Thanks again.

6365444
You made an account just so you could reply to my post?! Thank you so much!

I'm really sorry about your own depression/health problems. I'm sure that's awful in its own way. 45 years? Man that's a long time to live with something like that. I'm sorry nothing has worked for you so far. And brain surgery?! My goodness that must be horrifying. I feel for you, as I've had a number of operations in recent times, but definitely nothing quite as scary as that. And they don't put you to sleep for it? What the hell? I can't even imagine. I really hope it helps you and it's worth it, but still my goodness.

Yes, I'd definitely say we suffer from similar mental anguish and have both been through a lot of suffering. I'm definitely here if you want to talk about it further. And yes, pony-therapy is definitely a thing and it's definitely help me get through this and I hope you as well. In fact, ever since I joined the fandom several years ago now I've used our pony friends as a kind of therapy, and I'd honestly say it's probably helped me more than any professional therapy has. There's something about MLP, its style, and its lack of cynicism that's always had a pretty strong antidepressant feel-good effect for me, and I believe it has for many others in the fandom as well. Its definitely one of my biggest draws to MLP and fandom, and part of why I love it oh so very much.

Anyway, again I'm so sorry for what you've been through as well as what lies ahead. As someone who also understands chronic suffering, I'm definitely here if you want to discuss this further.

Thanks again for your kind reply!

6365445
Thank you so much! I hope the same to you as well!

6365521
I agree, as I said in my reply to Eskerata, I think simply many of those that joined for the "wow" factor the series and fandom definitely had in the early days have left. That doesn't mean its dying though, as the true die-hard core members of the fandom are still around and I think will be until the very end.

And that's great! I hope you continue to stick around! I've been around a long time (since 2011), and my loyalty to the fandom has never been stronger as it has been lately. MLP and the fandom have been a great way for me to cope with my health problems, and I'm honestly not sure what I'd do without it.

6365876
I became a pegasister in 2014 and soon after joined FiM:Fiction.

And would you believe I am 62? 63 in july.

6365882
That's still a pretty long time. I'd consider you to be a veteran at this point.

You know, that's part of what makes this fandom so great. All are welcome, no one is ostracized. It's really nice to see a diverse mix of people around.

6365914
Indeed, diversity is what makes life what it is.

Thanks for your kind reply, Fattymagee1,
Oh, I think I'm actually doing pretty good depression wise for the past eight months or so. Found a great depression support group for both my wife and I. We actually met in a hospital group therapy eight years ago and were married 2 1/2 months later! But depression can and will come back, though I'm much better at handling things that would bring me down in the past. The trick is to be ready for it, know the triggers, and work on handling it in ways that work for you.
The surgery is actually scarier than it should be. (The surgeon has done 450 in the last 19 years.) I haven't suffered too much from the tremor in the past, and it didn't keep me from doing much, though the projects I did do got much larger than in the past. It's just that I didn't know that the tremor was affecting my head and speech. The surgery should get rid of most of the problem and allow me to do things I haven't done for years. I have to be awake for this as they will adjust the two probes so that my hands stop shaking and I can do tasks (like touching my nose) so they know they have it right. It can be adjusted (kinda' like wifi, but real close) by them, and eventually me, to allow for changing conditions (I guess age and such). It's often called a pacemaker for the brain. I did see a video of it years ago and I thought I'd sure get that if I could, not believing it'd ever be possible. Surprise! Once I decided to do it, the speed at which the very reputable hospital system went to work was amazing. Testing, testing, interviews, appointments etc. Scary as heck, yes. Do I need it? A very large YES! And I want and need it.
I used to create things from when I was a kid. Never could draw (Oh, how I admire those of you who do.) Models from boxes and scratch. Radio controlled cars, planes, boats. Vehicles modified, buses converted, a gun truck replica. The wheelie trike. Stuff so numerous I don't even remember. We have a bus that needs converting for our retirement home. I'm looking forward to being able to put a drill driver to a screw without having to guide it with the other hand. And maybe, just maybe, I can learn to draw ponies!
Jeff

6365882
Hi Passions Star,
My wife and I are both fans. I'm 56 and she's 63. I tease her that she's a cougar, but she's really a Pony. And all mine!

6366602
Cool, now I do not feel so alone

She is definitely my favorite pony.

6366599
I'm glad you've been doing better lately! And that's quite a way to meet your spouse . I assume when it comes to depression, you both help each other out quite a lot, and that's great. Also yes, that is definitely a key component of handling depression. Definitely want to avoid what brings you down and surround yourself with the things that, well, bring you up.

Well, I'm glad this surgeon seems to have a ton of experience with this. If they didn't... well obviously that would be even more scary lol. Still, even if it wasn't too bad, having to live with something like that for as long as you have can't be fun. I really am glad that this surgery may finally be the answer you've been looking for . I see why you have to be awake, and though yes it seems necessary for your specific surgery, I would hope they will still use some kind of analgesic or pain killing agent. That's great that you didn't have too much trouble with the hospitals as well, as sometimes the process of that kind of thing can definitely be aggravating. Though nothing can prevent something like this from being scary, I'm sure you'll be fine and I'm sure it'll be worth it. Just imagine how much your quality of life will improve afterwards!

I really admire the people in this fandom who draw amazing works of art. I cannot draw to save my life lol. And wow, sounds like you do have some artistic potential. After your surgery, just imagine all the new possibilities!

Thanks again for the reply :)

6367269
Don't worry, they'll be shooting me up with locals. They say I'll feel some pressure, and tingling when they throw the switch for the juice! I think they'll even put on earphones and music so I don't have to listen to the air drill (sounds like a dentist's drill. Is there a sound more frightening than that? ) I'm thinking some of Rush's earlier epic songs; Xanadu, La Villa Strangiato, 2112 maybe? It's just that I have to be conscious that's scary! But I do need to thank you, and everyone else here, for being so welcoming and encouraging. It really has helped.

6367301
That's good, and I'm glad they let you listen to the music of your choice! Rush seems like a great choice! Those brilliant Canadians... a real shame they had to break up recently.

You are most welcome my friend, and I wish the best of luck to you in your operation. Like I said earlier, I'm always here if you need support or just someone to talk to about anything. I really don't mind!

I took my youngest son to see Rush's R40 Tour in 2015 and with great pain paid the 40 bucks for the baseball cap. Glad I did. Was momentarily surprised at all the old goats lining up to buy stuff, until I realized I was an old goat too! I don't think they really "broke up" so much as grew old. I also saw them in the early 80's and Neil Peart had to be hurting in the later years. Then I saw them Geddy Lee could also not hit the high notes anymore. Thanks for your kind words I've not been on a lot of forums, but to everyone here I'd like to say that this is by far the best forum I've ever been on.