Hey. I'm new to this group and was wondering if I could get some feedback for my story, Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmers Best Friend . It's an epistolary and written entirely in Sunset's diary. I was wondering if I could get some feedback on her characterization before I finished editing chapter two. I wasn't too worried about chapter one because it's mostly her recounting the events of the first Equestria Girls movie and feeling a bit down, but I want her to sound more Shimmery when she cheers up.

Preemptively thanking you for your help.
Piquo Pie

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I've been told I do a decent Sunset Shimmer, so I'll take a look at it, sure.

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Thank you. Though I have one question. If I argue against your opinion will you turn into the hulk. I'm looking at your profile pic and all I can think of is the perfect pony to hulk out.

Seriously, thanks for the hulk though, help though. If I might ask is there a Sunset Shimmer story you would recomend I look at (yours or another authors)?

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Heh heh. Nah, I won't hulk out.

Had a look at the first chapter. Gotta say that I really like the way you characterize Sunset. Wracked with that sense of isolation, self-doubt, and even self-loathing. It really does feel like Sunset right after having all her mistakes and flaws dramatically revealed to her, shattering her world. I'll say that it took a little bit to really get that feeling going, though. This is a bit nitpicky, but I did feel like Sunset's voice could've been better; her speech patterns felt a bit strange, based on what we've seen in canon. Not bad, though, and it's still one of the better interpretations of her that I've seen.

Hmm. I suddenly realize that I haven't actually written any post-reformation Sunset stories. I apparently specialize in pre-reformation Sunset. Huh. Well, uh, what would probably be the closest in terms of her behavior would be A Moderately Special Day. There's also the post-reformation Equestria Girls: Sunset On My Heart 2 (prequel not required), which is by the guy who got me writing about Sunset in the first place, whom I think does a very good job of characterizing her.

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I'll give at least one of those a look. I was hoping that writing for her would give a bit more leeway, though I didn't expect it and it wasn't the intent. If you could give an example if something stuck out I would appreciate it.

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Sunset does have quite a bit of room for creative liberties, it's true. If you really like the voice you gave her and feel it fits your vision of her, then by all means continue to write her as such. It just struck me as a little bit odd based on what I've seen, that's all. In particular, this sentence structure:

I found out that The Elements of Harmony, yes those Elements of Harmony, had been found by Princess Celestia's prized pupil.

Not a big deal, but I don't recall her ever saying anything like this in either movie (I could've just forgotten, though). Then again, people usually write differently than they speak, so again, there's even more room for interpretation. We've only gotten one peek at her writing style, and that was at the very end of Rainbow rocks. It seemed pretty casual and conversational. The diary in the story feels very much the same way most of the time, but it feels more formal in a few places.

Oh, how the power was intoxicating. I loved it. It burned through me and scoured every shred of equinity within me in the most pleasurable feeling that I can’t even describe it. Even now, as I sit here retelling my downfall, I’m thinking of that feeling. It makes me want to smile and that terrifies me. I can never give in to it. Never let me give in to it, Diary.

While I like this section a lot, it feels more like something from a classic novel than a (probably) teenage Sunset (at least to me). Just little segments where it gets poetic or formal like that felt a bit out of place. But, again, a lot of her is up for interpretation, and I know that I myself have moments of wherein I talk or write a bit differently if I really get into a subject. Those sorts of things were really the only issues I could possibly have with it currently, and they may just be a matter of style. Just something to consider.

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TY. I new some of them were weird but having them pointed out helps. I'll keep an eye on it, maybe make it a bit more casual where I go more classic.

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No problem. If you need anything else from me, feel free to let me know.

Question, are you going to just review the events of the 2 movies like a commentary? It's just that well, we've seen the movies, and there has already been fics of play-by-play internal monologues. Sure you can add new thoughts to it, but we can only comment on the movie events in so many ways.

About a year ago, around the same time I stopped writing in you, I decided to go back to Equestria to see what had been going on, you know, since I left. I found out that The Elements of Harmony, yes those Elements of Harmony, had been found by Princess Celestia's prized pupil.

Not possible. Portal opens every 2.5 years.
Other authors have speculated that she could have used the portal as a scrying mirror, and that doesn't have a time constraint.

Then, in the middle of my downward spiral, I found out that the human counterparts to the Elements of Magic were here, in this very school.

This is a year before EqG1? I thought Sunset broke up the HuMane 5 in freshman year? They're seniors now.
Yes the 5 friends had been estranged for most of HS. One wonders how they ever got back together.

I don't think you need to change any portions of the diary to be less formal. When a person writes casually and privately, she can switch between conversational and formal as the mood strikes her. One would think that Sunset can be extremely erudite on paper, even though in person she tends to adopt a more casual mode of speech (because she's aware of what a nerd is, and she is not one). Smart jocks like her can fall into formal when discussing heavy subjects; words don't fail them.

But the worst part is that I want to do it all again. The opera of destroying those whom I hate, being victorious over the few who could challenge me, ordering other lesser beings around. Those memories I have make those choice tantalizing. It calls to me as much as it terrifies me.

Oh, this is a good insight. This sentence is going to inform my character when I put my first 2 chapters on document.

I still won’t ever be able to look at myself in the mirror and I expect the next two years at this school will be hell. But maybe I can make friends again someday. Then I can go on to make up for the stain that dark magic left on my soul.

Sunset's a senior. She's already won the Fall Formal 3 times.

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I'm only reviewing the first movie. The fic ends right before the second movie, the idea being that if you then watch the second movie you will have more of an idea of what she has gone through to become a better person.

I corrected the 2.5 years, good catch. It should also fix the breaking up the 5 in their freshmen year issue.

This sentence is going to inform my character when I put my first 2 chapters on document.

I'm not sure what you mean here. Do you mean it will help you with your own fic? If so I'm glad I could help.

Sunset's a senior. She's already won the Fall Formal 3 times.

The CMC are there, meaning it's probably a mix of Junior High to High School. They can participate in the same things as the New Main Six so they could probably participate for the formal as well if they wanted.

Thanks for all your help.

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I don't think the CMC are in JHS. They're new freshmen in Canterlot High. That makes them 9th grade, or 14-15 y/o. Physically, they look similar to that photo of the Main 5 taken during their freshmen year.
The human CMC are basically older than the pony CMC. EqG character ages don't exactly correspond to MLP character ages.

Some American schools combine JHS and HS, but I don't think that's true for CH because I don't see a lot of CMC-age kids running around. Those 3 may just be late bloomers, which corresponds to their pony theme as blank flanks.