How I Feel · 3:57pm May 20th, 2022
WARNING
This is very personal, and it was very difficult to process, and I am terrified of sharing this, but I feel like I need to share it. You are under no obligation to answer or comment or do or say anything about the content I am sharing here. I am sharing this, becuz I need to do it in a place I feel safe and to share it with anyone who isn't close to the situation.
This has nothing to do with my work, and everything to do with my family.
There are times where you need to express yourself and share what you feel, and as hard and scary and personal as this is, I feel like I need to do this.
So... read or don't read. Comment or don't comment. I don't know what I'm looking for or expecting in sharing this, but I only ask for your understanding should you read this blog.
Thank you.
How I feel… is sick. How I feel is scared. Angry. Heartbroken. Disgusted. Like I’m going out of my mind, and the kicker is… it’s not even me who’s the one suffering the most.
My sister has always been full of gusto. Since the time we were kids, she’s had attitude, boldness, a brazen side to her that showed she was not going to let anyone mess with her. She had strength and courage, a quality that made me admire her in a special way when we were growing up.
Well, we grew up.
We’re not the same people we were when we were kids or teenagers. We had our flaws and icky sides, and we still do in some ways.
But my sister’s icky side… has become poison.
She is married with a daughter and has another on the way, lives in her own home, her husband provides for her.
But for reasons I simply cannot comprehend… is her enmity with our mother.
Our mother raised us, and our little brother, all on her own. She had help, sure, and she wasn’t the perfect mom. But our mother raised us, kept us fed and sheltered and healthy and happy. Sometimes were were little brats and didn’t always appreciate all she said and did for us. But she never gave up and kept moving forward and always found a way to get us through each and every day of our childhoods.
We’re grown now.
My brother is living his own life, my sister has her own family. I’m the only one who has stayed with our mother, mostly because I don’t want to leave her. My mom was only eighteen when she gave birth to me. So, she and I practically grew up together. There is no one I love and admire so much as her. We’ve had our own spats, sure. We’ve had disagreements, conflicts, but we’ve never let those drive a wedge between us.
My sister… she doesn’t have that same love and respect and understanding of our mother as I do. She is a bipolar narcissist, who feels entitled and demands gratification and validation, and when she doesn’t get those, she lashes out, directing her unwarranted and toxic behavior towards our mom.
I thought becoming a mother would change my sister for the better. It didn’t.
She’s still the same spiteful, vicious, and toxic person she’s always been, and I cannot fathom where she gets off acting this way, to other people, on occasion towards me, but always - always! - towards our mother. The things she says to her, tells other people about her, and when confronted about her inconsistencies and flip-flopped half-truths and outright lies, she just lashes out even worse and refuses to apologize or acknowledge her being in the wrong.
I’ve tried again and again to speak to my sister, trying to help her, convince her to settle things peacefully or to get help, and she always seems like she’s hearing me and understanding me. But whatever impression I hoped I was making never sinks in.
I can’t personally confront my sister about her behavior and misdeeds, because no matter what I say or don’t say she finds a way to blame our mother for it, and attacks her, claiming our mom is lying to me, or fooling me, or manipulating me, all the while she is basically insulting my intelligence. Like she doesn’t realize I very much can see what’s going on, and for some inexplicable reason she can’t (or won’t) accept that I can understand what’s going on perfectly and see that she is in the wrong and that the things she does and says are wrong, unfair, undeserving, and every single time I’ve tried to confront her with her behavior she finds a way to use my words to hurt our mother.
Every single time she attacks our mother this way, my mother is distraught and upset and angry, and she has every right to feel that way. And every single time I have to deal with the emotional aftermath and be the support my mother needs in those heartbreaking moments. It breaks my own heart to be caught in the middle and be so powerless to do anything about it.
What’s more, this keeps happening over and over again. My sister lashes out, my mother breaks down, there’s a period of intense bitterness and contempt and the only thing we can do is do whatever we can not to let it escalate, but my sister somehow finds a way to make things escalate, because she wants a reaction in order to justify her ugly behavior.
Eventually, it dies down. We avoid each other for indeterminate amounts of time… and eventually, we start talking again.
We don’t bring up the ugliness and poison from before, and for a blessed period, there is peace and love and even good times.
Then… it starts all over again.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Or how much more my mother can take. More than once, the arguments (at least the ones I was present for and could hear) escalated into such awful screaming, and my heart beat so badly in my chest I was afraid I was going to suffer an anxiety attack. I know it’s worse for my mother, but still.
I’ve told my sister this, but she doesn’t listen! She apologies, but she just conveniently forgets how her actions and behavior are affecting all of us, not just her and our mother.
It’s like she wants complete control over our mother’s life. Like she can’t stand for our mother to have friends or a boyfriend, and she says awful things about the people in our mom’s life, saying things that aren’t true, claiming things that never happened, and more than once she has called our mother a “gaslighting bitch” when she’s the one who’s doing the gaslighting.
I feel sick and angry and disgusted and powerless to do anything! All I can do is support my mom and help her through these ugly times.
I thought motherhood would change my sister, but no. Instead, she just uses her own child as a weapon, a means to worm her way back into our lives, preying on our love for her daughter.
It’s absolutely vile.
I’ve spoken with some buddies in chatrooms I frequent. I appreciate their support and their words, even if there’s not much they can do about it. Part of me feels bad for airing my grievances with my sister to them, but they’re the only people I can safely talk to about her. The only outsiders whose words or perspective I can invite to try to find some kind of enlightenment or advice or idea of how to handle this baggage.
They can’t really help, but I still appreciate what support they can offer.
The more this goes on, the more I can’t help but resent my sister for her ugly words and rotten behavior. I want to confront her, to scream at her, to make her feel bad as she makes our mom feel, but that is exactly what she wants.
A reaction.
Something to validate her reprehensible actions, and make things worse.
As much as I resent her, I still feel sorry for her. But now, I mostly feel sorry for her daughter. My niece is still a baby, and one day, she’s gonna be bigger, talking, having her own personality and opinions… and I can’t even imagine what kind of screwed-up upbringing she’s going to get from such a headcase as her mother.
I said something to my sister one time I hoped would get through to her:
“Is this what you want to happen between you and your own daughter?”
And like everything else I’ve ever said to my sister, it didn’t stick.
One of these days, unless my sister finally gets it through her head that all the things she says and does against our mother and everyone else who challenges her are going to come back and bite her in the ass in a way that she can’t ignore. I honestly worry she’s going to destroy her own life and drag her own children down with her.
As scary as that is, my mother and I can’t let that sway us. Nothing either of us do is ever good enough for her. She never fully appreciates us and the things we do for her. Even when she says she does, she “conveniently” forgets all the good and only “remembers” the bad. If she were anyone else, if she wasn’t our blood-relative, we could cut her out of our lives and never speak to her again.
To be honest, I might still do just that one day, because I don’t know how much more of this I can keep choking down!
A part of me is serious in that one day I am going to cut her out of my life. Change my phone number, email, bank account, get in a car, and just drive away to somewhere she’ll never find me.
But I cannot and will not leave my mother alone. She is the most important person in this whole messed up world to me. I love my mother enough to remain by her side, for all the good and through all the bad, and with deepest dismay that includes my sister.
We love our home, we love each other, we love our lives, and while there are some things we’d like to have or do without, I feel content. I know things will continue to change as we live our lives, and there will always be bad times, but the good times will always make it worthwhile.
I love my sister, but I hate the person she has become and continues to be. What makes it hurt even more, is every once in a while I can still see glimpses of the sweet, warm, and beautiful little sister I knew and loved when we were growing up. I believe she’s still there, but she’s just too buried and twisted up under all that poison, and she’s too proud (or too afraid) to truly seek counseling, therapy, or work on becoming a better person.
I only pray that one day she’ll wake up… before it’s too late.
I am so sorry you and mother have to deal with someone like that I know the feeling of dealing with family that can't get there head out there ass by the way you are absolutely a wonderful person for looking out for your mom like that
You and you family have my prayers
Wow, I wish I could hug you for having to deal with someone like this. One thing I think you should do is to figure out how your sister became such a (I say this the nicest way I can) monster. Good luck, and keep holding out with your mother!
I'm sorry that you are in this situation! I really hope you'll manage to get out of this toxic loop soon and you'll finally find some peace and I mean all of you!
Try to remember that you cannot help someone who will not/or cannot admit that they need help. Some people are or become so toxic that you cannot be around them. In those cases, the only thing to do is remove yourself from that contact. Not because you don't care but for your own mental and physical health. This is comparable to removing a highly infected hand or foot before it poisons the rest of the body. Youi also might want to find a professional to talk to about all the verbal venom that is being poured into your ears and how it is affecting you. No matter what you do it will not be easy. Good luck and remember that there are a lot of people out here that wish you well.
B.D.
Damn man. I don't really know what else to say. The other comments sum things up pretty well. All I can say is we are here for you. Stay strong.
I suck at this kind of thing.
that is indeed a rough situastion you are in and as i read this remind me just how a karen is know to act (no ofense to great people with that name) witch are know to be in there own world off right and never be wrong and have everything be in there way.
I respekt that you want to hope she will return to normal but as i see it she only act kind and sweet like she use to to try an get something out off you. unless something trully life chaing happens to her to trully change her world view witch is not that likely depending on the person.
but one clue for this should be "when" did this all start to happen? "what" is the cause off it? witch the past should be able to help you with the clue but. I find it that she have had her chances to better her self and have not and it might be time you make the consevens off her action happen.
basikly cutting her off but keeping taps on her to some degree but not talking or comunicating with her un till she better her self and its not like you could potenstialy move away with your mom if it is trully that bad. then it about more thinking for "what is good for me and mom?" and that anwser is to move on and leave the bad behind.
take care and hope this might been some guideance for you and wich you and your mom well
Well, I not the one who really writes this often, but I gonna say it and you can read this or not I gonna do it anyway. I will start by saying I really can't help but feel for you in this. This is tough, because you can only hope that something you do will help you or mostly your mom. I command you for your efforts, expecially when this situation is delitate.
You should be proud of yourself for keeping that much of a patience and strength to support your mother through this.
I would try to say something helpful, I really do I just have feel that to me whatever I do try it, it comes out as fake in my mind.
However, I you kinda just do it already. Multiple times in your story (that I still read at the moment) you show me that even when we are facing an uphill battle , as long as we have faith, we will overcome it.
So I have faith that everything will alright for you.
And thank you... for the inspiration you gave me.
Stay strong Bro!
Ceasear out.
We’re all here for you keep holding out with your mom and stay strong buddy.