Feb
23rd
2022
I've finished writing the story · 1:19am Feb 23rd, 2022
Hey there, everyone. The upcoming story is already done, but before I start publishing it, I need some feedback to tell me what needs to be fixed as a whole. Unfortunately, I couldn't find anyone else to help me, so I decided to make a blog to ask if anyone would want to help me. If not, then just tell me why and I'll stop asking entirely as well as just publish it anyway.
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Heroic412227 · 194 views
· Story: All Against One
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#Asking
#Upcoming Story
#Finished
#Feedback
#Blogs
#Publishment
Depending on how long it is, I can look. I'm not an expert with structure, but I can point out bigger issues.
5638663
Thanks. Here it is:
Mindscapers
5638689
Well, first thing I've noticed is that it seems too separated. Each paragraph is like a sentence or two max, so it makes reading really choppy. That's fine for dialogue, but in regular narration, it pulls you out of it.
For example:
This doesn't need to be separated. If "For one, when did the world get so blurry?" is a thought, then you can leave in the previous paragraph and just state that she thought that. Use 'this' to distinguish thoughts from actual dialogue.
5638698
This entire section felt very clunky. There's too many characters all speaking at the same time and it gets distracting. I suppose other than those two things, everything else seems to be fine for the most part.
5638698
Okay.
5638699
Okay. How do I fix that?
5638704
Well, your writing also leaves out a lot of action and description. If you wanted to keep the dialogue the way it is, you could fluff out that section with detailed descriptions of character's thoughts, actions, feelings etc. If you do that, you might want to go back through and add more detail and description through the rest of the story. More detail is almost always better than less detail. Especially in writing.
5638706
Thanks. Can you teach me how, where, and when to add each of them in my story and why they should be added? Do you want to be my editor and should I change the share settings?
5638710
Unfortunately, I can't edit for you. I'm not skilled at that, but I can give you this link here, where you can find a list of people who you can reach out to. This is how I found someone to proofread for me.
5638718
Okay. Thank you for the feedback.
Adding to compass's thoughts, your also telling us about the story, not showing us. My creative writing teacher in college told me this: Show your audience, don't tell them. Now I'm not going to make the same mistake my teacher made and just not tell me what that means, which caused me to fail that class, but I figured out what he meant years later. In writing, every word you put to page forms your world. Past tense, present tense word usage, all of this forms your scene.
When a character actually has to say what is on their mind or how they think or feel about something, it actually is like breaking character, because no one in real life actually talks that way (unless for some reason every character in your book was on a world or in a place or because of a reason had to say exactly what was on their mind at that time, but even this can be shown and not told.) Go back and read your dialogue out loud, in person. Do it in the quiet of your room or with a friend who cares about reading as much as you do. think about it terms of a tv show. Does it sound natural?
You also need to think about the details as well, and give more, but not enough to make a paragraph a drudge to read through. And most importantly make sure those details have consistency and continuity.
For instance:
You mention that pinkie has been poisoned by a rare flower that is hard to find. And yet it is casually in the middle of a field that is close to Ponyville. How has no one encountered this flower before? why are their not warning signs? a possibility could have been that you mention in the opening paragraph that as she walked toward the flower, she was blissfully unaware of the clearly printed signs saying danger. This creates humor, cause pinkie is inevitably a loony character and that is a very loony tunes thing to do.
Also, Twilight bursting in would of been fine, had she not mentioned that she came as soon as she heard. Who did she hear it from? We saw none of this. And i know a lot can happen "off-camera" as it were, but if the audience doesn't see certain things, that's when you clue in details so the audience isn't scratching their heads. you could of simply changed twilight's line "We came as soon as one of your bird's delivered your message to come here! How is Pinkie? What's wrong with her?"
This one line clues us in to so much detail. from this, we, the smart audience, gathered that after flutter took the ducks to the pond (which i don't think she would have after seeing pinkie in such a state, but again my opinion) she sent a bird with a message for twilight, but didn't include every detail, because she was in a rush to get to Zecora. That's showing without telling.
You missed an opportunity i think in just having pinkie be the cupcake, or having gummy be her guide through the mind. but that is not important as it is just my opinion. but if your going to have a whole new character be the guide of the mind for a well established character everyone in this fandom knows, you don't do this:
Don't like being congratulated? There was an entire episode on exactly why Pinkie Pie loves to be congratulated and receive attention, because not receiving it causes her to quite simply, loose her mind. And this cupcake is pinkie's creation. Even when pinkie was hallucinating and making inanimate objects have personalities, they were simply mirrors of the friends she already had made in the real world but nicer, because that is what she wanted them to be. (in fact now that i think of it, you could of had the mental guide be Madame le Flour, because it would of shown how topsy-turvy her mind really is.)
it takes a lot of effort and time to write the ideas in your head to paper. my advice for the future is plot out your stories before you write em. mind maps, lists of things you want to tell in a story, even in a fanfic where everyone knows all the characters and the world they live in, you need to be able to tell the story to yourself first before you can share it with others.
and to answer your next question, no, i can't be your editor either. I'm also not a perfect teacher, as i haven't not published even a fanfiction in several years, though I'm still working on the details for all the ones in my head. but I hope this helps you improve =)