I was reading this poem and suddenly realized life is transitory, and here I am in new motion · 12:40am Dec 20th, 2021

In Passing
By Lisel Mueller
How swiftly the strained honey
of afternoon light
flows into darkness
and the closed bud shrugs off
its special mystery
in order to break into blossom
as if what exists, exists
so that it can be lost
and become precious

This will be my last blog... posted from the college stomping grounds. As it so turns out, I'm graduating--a full semester earlier than expected.

Three and a half years, half of which, it seems, was spent slugging through the hellish environment of virtual learning, now comes to a close far sooner than, admittedly, I would have liked. It feels as though my junior year was robbed, and that I have had both the fortune and misfortune of a short senior year.

I'm set to move out two days from posting this--I'll be moving back home for a time. What happens next is... well, it's unknown. In my head there is a vague roadmap set to the tune of ticking clocks and debt collectors, but nothing concrete has been established.

It's the start of something new again, and that is not an entirely comfortable sensation. I wonder if that is because it doesn't feel real yet? Or as real as I can't help but think it should be? Even with so few days left, it still hasn't quite hit me that it's over; that my life in academia has finally finished; that I can say I attended college and passed, got my Bachelor's, graduated with Honors (perhaps those latter two feel unreal to me because technically, until I walk in May, I won't receive official documentation). Maybe it'll change once I realize I can wake up and not attend classes. That I can apply myself in whatever direction I choose, though my vision of such things is hazy at best.

It's a time of change. And also a time of reflection.

I think I've changed a lot, as a person, ever since starting college. I went in straight and scared--now, apparently, I emerge, happily bisexual and not too afraid, or as afraid, of the world. I'm more assured of who I am and who I want to be. I haven't had an overly depressive thought in years, and when I have, when it feels very dark and cold, I am able to cope and find ways to get myself out of the rut that are far more productive than I could ever have imagined.

I've become less of an introvert. I've made a lot of friends, more than I thought I ever could. I've had to work with a lot of people, and have even enjoyed others' company whose paths I might never have envisioned crossing.

I may still write pony stories every now and then, but... that's changed, too. I think there's something different about my writing that has come out since attending college. There's a... nuance to them, or a maturity--a sense of craft that feels like me, rather than someone stretching to become me.

I've... changed a lot, these past three and a half years. And now it's over, and another three and a half years, or more, will begin.

It's an odd feeling. Fascinating, and also filled with trepidation. I don't know what's going to happen next.

But, I am glad you all were here to keep my quiet company. I entertain no notion of fame on this site, nor any sense of great importance in the grand scheme of things, but I enjoyed my years here. I don't have any plans of leaving just yet. But this feels like a transition point in my life... and it made sense to at least talk about it, a little.

Here's to the future.

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