Five Years Later · 3:19am Dec 12th, 2021
Many years ago, when I was a baby-faced college student thinking journalism would be my lifelong career path, I joined my college's writer's workshop. It was a great group of students who genuinely cared about helping each other write great stories. I eventually felt confident enough with them to share a couple of my MLP stories, even though none of them were fans of the show. That changed when one girl said, rather dismissively, "Ponies, huh? You'll get out of that phase eventually."
I remember not being so active in the group after that. I told myself it was just because I was too busy with schoolwork, but that wasn't really it. The comment stung me, because back then I wasn't as confident in my convictions as I am now. I wasn't used to having to defend my opinions, so her comment caught me off-guard, and ultimately, I let it sink in.
Around that time, Seattle's Angels was kicking off, and I was recruited to be a reviewer. I was excited, as I prided myself on giving good, friendly writing advice to struggling authors, and I thought it would be a great chance to do that for a wider audience than "people who happen to read my story comments." The SA crew were a great bunch, and I respected their opinions. Unfortunately, I also found it intimidating, especially given my struggles with self-confidence. I came down with a case of what I now know is called Impostor Syndrome. I told the SA crew the same excuse I told myself, that I was just getting busy with school work and didn't have the time. The truth, though, is that I didn't want to - or rather, I didn't feel like I was worthy of the task. After all, I specialized in giving first aid to "bad" stories. How could I possibly identify the "good" ones?
Honestly, I feel anxious just remembering that time. It's nobody's fault, to be clear. The SA crew was great. I just wasn't ready emotionally to be a part of it. That, combined with that girl from writer's workshop, planted in my a seed of doubt, the idea that maybe I didn't belong here anymore. I posted stories through 2016, with the last one being "A Winter Walk" - a story I'm still proud of.
After that, though, I did lose interest. My own self-doubts got the better of my passion, and I suppose to those of you who follow me, it seemed I had just dropped off the face of the earth, never to be seen again.
If that's you, well, uh, hi again. I didn't escape earth's gravity after all.
I did keep up with the show, kind of. I've seen partway through season 9. I've seen some Equestria Girls. I haven't seen any of the movies, but I saw the advertising for them. And now, here I am again, writing a new blog post and posting a new story at the end of 2021. I even reviewed some downvoted fanfic today.
In a way, it felt like coming home, except there's a bunch of new characters I don't know and I don't have to get every new story approved by a prereading team before posting. It reminded me of when I first discovered FIMFiction, back in the days of train wreck explorers and red-and-black alicorns. A simpler time, you might say. I was a nobody back then, with nothing more than a passion for writing, a story about how Luna became Nightmare Moon, and a piano arrangement of "Winter Wrap-Up" that I now play for my daughter in the evenings.
It's weird, thinking about how invested I got in this site. How I was known for my friendly advice - heck, most of my old reviews end with the title, "The Notoriously Friendly Reviewer." I didn't come up with that. I got that from a fan of my reviews. I have no idea who they were or where they are now. I hope they're doing OK. I think, more than anything, I wanted to be a voice of patience and real caring for authors trying to learn the ins and outs of the craft. I know I didn't always live up to that ideal, but I'd like to think, on the whole, I helped to embody the kindness and empathy I want to see in the world.
What made me come back was, of course, ponies. Specifically, the season 9 episodes Common Ground and The Point of No Return. Those episodes just exuded charm to me, but also very real character conflict and growth on a small, relatable scale. I can also thank my 4th-grade students for being surprisingly receptive to my reading of "Twilight Rides a Snowboard." Somehow, that reconnected me with what brought me here in the first place, and the kind of person I want to be in the world.
Which, I guess, brings me to my latest story, The Rings of Dusk. I started it five years ago, with just the prologue, two chapters, and a really bad story outline (read: nothing beyond what I'd already written). I've been thinking about why I decided to finish that one when Rise of the Moon is still unfinished, and has a much better outline. I think it's because, more than anything, I needed to reconnect with the positive. The world's been really messed up recently. There's been a lot of negativity, stress, and uncertainty (oh Celestia did I just pull an "in these uncertain times"). That's what My Little Pony has always meant to me, even during the last few years I've been gone. It represents the kind of world I want for my daughter - a world that has problems, yes, but where everyone can set aside their differences and ambitions and just do the right thing.
Long-time readers of my blog - and I mean long-time - will know I'm not a fan of season 1's "Over a Barrel," but there's a line from Pinkie's song that summarizes my feelings right now. You gotta care. It's the right thing to do, and there'll always be a way through.
welcome back :D
if it's been five years, you might be interested to know I reviewed another of your stories last year :)
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Hey, I saw that one a while ago! Loved her reading. I actually listened to it just the other day. She did a great job with it.
Dude, it's great to have you back!