Well, this is going to be weird. · 5:58am Aug 4th, 2016

So I was on Facebook earlier today and came across this little website in my news feed. No, it has nothing to do with ponies or anything relevant to this site. It's about mattresses. But, I feel like it's been a while since I unleashed my snark in written form, so I decided to just sort of have fun with it.

Apologies in advance for this being unrelated to anything relevant, or for lacking any coherency or basic factual truth.

So "purple," apparently, is the ONE TRUE MATTRESS PRODUCER, and all the other heretical mattress producers have been lying to us in order to steal our money and pillage our villages. Or something like that. How, you ask? Well, according to this "purple" site, it's by having costs one typically associates with running a business that distributes physical goods, and passing those costs on to the customer, of course! The 82-second video at the top says so!

But of course, the savvy customer will want a little more information to back up this claim. Hence, this website exists. Let's take a look, shall we?

Let's get a few things out of the way ~~right at the top~~ relatively near the top. I'm not making any comment on the quality of "purple"s product or the way they do business, nor am I saying you shouldn't consider them if you're looking for a mattress. Also, I'm putting "purple" in quotes in case I need to distinguish between the color purple and company "purple" later. Also also, I know very little about how mattresses are made, so my comments should be considered the doubts of a slightly dumb guy whose sarcasm font may start an uprising if it doesn't see more use.

All right. On to the site.

Right at the top, "purple" makes it clear that the entire mattress industry has been lying to us:

You’ve been sleeping on a lie.

OK, I'm with you so far. This lie apparently starts with the manufacturers and continues on down the line until we gullible, naive suckers pay outrageous sums of money for something to sleep on.

The lie is made up of two main points:
You’re getting ripped off when you buy a mattress from a retail store.
Most mattress materials are all the same!

Wait. Hold on.

Most mattress materials are all the same!

Um... OK. I mean, sure. I guess I was a little foolish in believing Big Box Spring, Inc.'s claims of using authentic phoenix feathers for padding and genuine unicorn hair for thread. But the more I think about it, isn't that statement true of a lot of things? Like, cars, for instance. By and large, they're made of metal and glass and rubber and other materials I would know about if I had a basic grasp of auto mechanics. Or houses - like, wood and sheet rock and wires and pipes and insulation and stuff? Carpentry isn't exactly my "competency" either. Or like how fast food is made of rat poison and lard. I am a little more familiar with that subject.

So if a Chevrolet Corvette ZR1 and a Reliant Robin no I didn't just open more browser windows to look that up why would you even think that are made of basically the same materials, how come the former is considered by some to be the best car ever, and the latter one of the worst? Are the auto companies pulling a similar scam? Probably, but don't ruin my rant. Or could it be that the quality (and therefore value) of a manufactured item is based on more than just its materials?

Huh. Well, maybe "purple" will explain a little more later.

Pick a mattress store, any mattress store, and right up front you’ll see price tags similar to the costs of a used car!

Maybe they're made of used cars. Wait, is that the secret? MATTRESSES ARE USED CARS?

What on earth do these people think these mattresses are made of!? Phoenix feathers and unicorn hair?

Hey, those phoenix feathers looked legit!

The truth of the matter is this: You aren’t paying for just a mattress when you buy it in the store. You pay for sales people, marketing, overhead, store rent, management, etc.

Well... yeah. In layman's terms, I think those sorts of things are typically referred to as "the cost of doing business." Sure, the Internet has made it easier to run a business without some of these costs, but there's no way to get rid of them entirely, so customers will always have to pay for them. I'd hardly consider that a "scam."

Have you ever wondered why salespeople are able to offer off-the-cuff “massive” discounts during negotiation? When you finally get a salesperson to knock 10% off the sale price, you feel like you scored a great deal.
But when you realize that those mattresses have been marked up over 100%, you’re actually losing. That store is still making a 90% profit off that sale. Sometimes, markup can be as high as 500%!

So... it's bad for a company to make a profit? I mean, I've never been called "competent" when it comes to running a business, but the few double-blind, peer-reviewed studies I've read suggest there is a strong correlation between "business makes a profit" and "business continues to exist." And sure, I suppose buying directly from a manufacturer (a strategy I believe is commonly referred to as "cutting out the middle man") can save on a lot of that overhead. But it seems, "purple," that you're confusing "making a profit" with "ripping people off" and "doing a job" with "freeloading."

So, that $2,500 mattress in your room right now is actually worth around $900. And when you realize the same mattress only cost about $300 to make, you start feeling like a victim of fraud.

I mean, yeah. If you ignore the fact that mattress makers and sellers need to make money on their product, sure.

But don’t worry, we got your back! Purple doesn’t use those freeloaders. Our $999 queen would likely be $3-5k in a store.

I think I'll come back to this random foray into self-promotion in a bit.

The next bit is a nifty little pie chart, based on the numbers from two quotes ago. To refresh: You pay $2,500 for a mattress that is worth $900. So where does the other $1,600 go? Well, according to the data "purple" presents with no clear citation, the breakdown looks a little something like this:
20% ($320) - purchasing more inventory
10% ($160) - commission for the salespony
15% ($240) - store for marketing
20% ($320) - sales manager commission
35% ($560) - back to the business

Surprising isn’t it? Your money goes to pay for so much more than just your mattress.

Right. It covers all the costs associated with the mattress, such as paying the people whose job it is to sell you stuff, the people who advertise stuff to draw in customers, and the simple cost of doing business. If all we paid was that $300 in what I'm guessing is purely material costs, our Big Box Spring, Inc. would be reduced to just a big box, probably made of cardboard, because most boxes are also made of basically the same materials.

But let's take another step back to that quote I skipped a few paragraphs ago. You know, the one about how "purple"s $999 queen-size mattress would cost somewhere between $3,000 and $5,000 in a Big Box Spring, Inc. showroom. According to some quick calculations I just visualized in my head and typed into my computer calculator, your $999 queen-sized mattress would actually cost around $2,775 if we use the same proportions you assigned to your totally real $900 mattress. Which is sort of close to $3,000, I guess, but I think you're overselling it a bit with your $5,000 high estimate.

Also, I feel it's only pertinent to ask, what exactly would I be paying for if I purchased your $999 queen-sized mattress? Is that just the cost of the mattress, or does it also include these "freeloading" employees you have? I mean, sure, you're the manufacturer, so you can avoid the costs associated with running the store that sells your stuff. But it kind of sound like you're saying all those heathen mattress peddlers should stop committing fraud by not paying sales staff or even attempting to make a profit. So, presumably, you do those things, right? I mean, you must, or some dummy like me might get the erroneous idea that you're being a massive hypocrite, and that the reason your product is cheaper is the exact same reason buying directly from any manufacturer is cheaper, and actually has nothing to do with the rampant lies and corruption present in the Big Box Spring industry.

Hmm, I feel like I started rambling there for a bit. Let's move on.

There’s more to the scam than you realize

If you’re already feeling like you want to kick down the door of your mattress retailer, I’m sorry, but we’ve got more bad news for you.

I was actually just calling Applejack and Big Mac to help me.

*WARNING* You may experience feelings of loathing and deep regret while reading this

Eh... OK...

The best way to make educated purchasing decisions is by comparison shopping.

I FEEL NAUSEATED ALREADY! You sicken me and make Fluttershy sad.

But the mattress industry is doing everything it can to prevent that!

Oh. I guess this was the sickening part.

Most mattresses brands are manufactured in the same factory and are all the same few mattresses — just a different combination of foam, latex, air or springs.

Whoa whoa whoa. Hold up.

just a different combination of foam, latex, air or springs.

just a different combination

a different combination

Um... what?

No, seriously. You're going to make the claim that all mattresses are basically the same, but they're also different? As in, "They use basically the same materials, they just use them differently?"

Are you sure that's the argument you're going with?

OK. Sure. Let's set aside the possibility that some of these mattresses are made from objectively better materials (even you have to admit that phoenix feathers are better than damp seaweed as padding) and assume that all mattresses are made from EXACTLY the same materials. Are you really going to tell me that the way in which those materials are used plays no role in crafting a product that is objectively better, or at least different?

Well, shoot. Let me go trade my Corvette ZR1 for a Reliant Robin. After all, they use basically the same materials, just in a different combination, right?

"Purple" goes on to talk about different tactics mattress companies will use to make it difficult to comparison shop, such as giving the same mattress a different name for different stores. They also talk about meaningless "puff" language and "buzzwords" salespeople will throw at you, and how "money back" can really mean "store credit." This is all legitimate according to my 10-second Google search, but we may come back to it later (although I should note that their above claim that "most mattress brands are manufactured in the same factory" seems a little off - mattress "models" from the same brand seems closer to the truth). I'll just move on since I have little to say here. Yet.

Many salespeople will do just about anything to close a deal so that they can make a commission.

If you haven't yet, I highly recommend going to their site and checking out the photo above this sentence. Because if I were being seduced like that, I'd be sold in a heartbeat.

What’s the solution to all of this?

I was going to try Pepto Bismol (heartburn, nausea AND indigestion!).

Purple™ is the answer!

OF COUSRE!

wait wat

“We wanted everyone to be able to afford the world’s best mattress,” said co-founder Terry Pearce.

Check out the photo beneath this sentence as well. It's a gem.

Also, there's a link right below that that says "Learn More Here!" that goes directly to their store. I was kind of hoping they'd explain WHY their mattresses are "the world's best mattresses," but maybe I should just keep reading.

Purple™ doesn’t have any ridiculous sales markups because all of our sales are online directly from us, the manufacturer, to your doorstep.

OK, but you've been implying this whole time that I shouldn't have to pay the cost of those "freeloading" salespeople. So, presumably, my purchase of your product doesn't include the cost of you paying whoever wrote and maintained your website and online store, right? I mean, you're saying it's "fraud" when I pay the people who manage a physical store, so why should I pay the people who manage a digital store?

Purple™ doesn’t put pressure on you from pushy sales people because we have no sales people.

I think that's because you call them "web developers" or "content managers." Unless it's just Terry doing all this himself, in which case he must have a fairly diverse set of skills - mattress maker, website coder, content creator, the list goes on!

Purple™’s 100 Night No Pressure Guarantee is actually what it sounds like. Try a Purple™ mattress for 100 nights. If you don’t love it, we’ll take it back and give you a FULL refund!

Ooooh. See, here's the thing, Terry. I've been to a mattress store or two in my time, and they all gave me that same "FULL refund" guarantee. But, as you've just finished explaining, this often means store credit or exchanges. So how do I know you're different? I mean, besides your rad safety goggles and purple jumpsuit.

In addition to putting no pressure on your wallets, Purple™ uses the latest innovation in sleep and comfort technology to eliminate pressure on your body.

You know, Terry, I'd like to believe you, but I read somewhere recently that mattress companies like to use fluff phrases like "latest innovation" and "sleep and comfort technology" that don't have any real meaning but sound snazzy and snare the unsuspecting potential fraud victim. I also read recently that all mattress companies use basically the same materials, just used in a different way (and we both know that doesn't mean anything).

Purple™ does not have:
⇒ Springs that poke and prod your pressure points
⇒ Memory foam to trap your body heat and leave you sweating through the night
⇒ Deflating air pockets to cause back pain and discomfort
⇒ Bad smelling off-gas from toxic chemicals in the foam

So, what is it made of? Please say phoenix feathers and unicorn hair...

Purple™ is made of a pressure-releasing hyper-elastic polymer™ material. It is organized in a smart-comfort grid formation, in which the cell walls will stand firm or release, depending on where your weight is hitting it.

Aha! I'm on to your dirty, scamming tricks! You think you can blind me with meaningless phrases like "hyper-elastic polymer" and "smart-comfort grid formation" and "cell wall" and "weight?" No, sir! I'm wise to your game!

See more about the science of Purple here.

OK, I'm going to get serious for a moment. When investigating dubious claims on the internet, I always try to give the benefit of the doubt and do adequate research to understand the issues and come at it with facts. I removed an entire section of this... eh, I'll call it a review, because I actually looked some stuff up and learned some things about mattress sales tactics.

The last few points have been pointing out how easily a person can level Terry's criticism of the mattress industry against his own company. So I was genuinely excited when I got near the bottom and saw the above quote. He's actually going to explain how his mattress works, and what sets his product apart from the others! Sure, it's after midnight and I'll probably not understand it, but at least it's there!

And then it wasn't. I've tried clicking every character in that sentence. Nothing linked me to any actual science about "purple" and its product. Maybe it's broken or one of these ~~sales reps~~ site developers screwed up on the link. But honestly, I think I would have been less disappointed if this sentence was just not there. Because now it looks like "purple" is hiding something, or trying to trick readers into assuming the data is there, but they're not actually going to click it because the site so far has been engaging.

I dunno. I really should be in bed right now, so I'll just move on.

The last few lines repeat the whole "bypass the freeloaders" mantra while adding that "purple" is "the newest advancement in mattress technology in the last 80 years." I'll finish off with a writing-related question so I can pretend this post tangentially has a reason to exist on this site:

If "purple" is the newest advancement in mattress tech in 80 years, does that not imply that newer technology was developed 80 years ago? If this is really the newest advancement, shouldn't it be the newest advancement in forever (as most new things are)? Is this sloppy sentence construction, or a subtle hint that "purple" is actually a conspiracy set in motion 1,000 years ago by Queen Chrysalis that incorporates cocoon-trap technology into an innocent-looking mattress?

...

New head-canon accepted. It's past my bedtime.

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