Story review #6

Story review #6: Into The Open Life —by Lonely Fanboy48

Disclaimer: This are my OPINIONS on the story not FACTS it’s all subjective. I also have been given permission/been requested by the author.

Character’s:

Ice Bear: is the most accurate character to his tv series self & was my favorite nothing about him or his actions seemed out of place.

Oliver/OC: is an Alright character I suppose I’d rather he say’s nothing and is so traumatized he doesn’t talk at first so then can coax him out of his shell or that they find out about his tragic backstory over time.

Fluttershy: would be better as an OC rather then Fluttershy because she doesn’t feel like Fluttershy & seem’s pretty OOC. She just isn’t that interesting and a little too forward like that line about not being his mother seemed sudden & too mean for Fluttershy to say.

Other characters: okay but not the most show accurate interpretation’s & the fact we haven’t seen much of the other characters makes it so we don’t have much to go off with them.

Other OC’s: the other orphanage kids didn’t have much time on the page but were okay with the time the did have to be explored. I hope we see them again so that they can be properly developed.

Premise: an interesting but strange premise for a story. Let me explain: I like the abused orphanage kid being adopted by fictional characters & I think Lonely Fanboy48 picked a good cast of characters but…..
…….why do all these characters exist in the same universe? How’d they meet? Which universe is this?

Grammar & Punctuation: I can’t stress enough how painful it is to read this story with it’s current punctuation and grammar. & no offense to Lonely Fanboy48 it’s pretty unreadable. I’d recommend hiring or recruiting an editor or maybe getting advice.

Dialogue: again it’s pretty bad and hard to read for you’re average reader. Luckily I’m not you’re average reader I’d I’ve read worse. I’ve definitely read better but it’s not the worst. Just wish their was less exposition and more natural character growth & dialogue.

Flaws: The Grammar, Punctuation, & Dialogue are all pretty brutal to read/review.

Strengths: Ice Bear is the best part hands down & the creative concept of the story.

Sorry this is so short but their isn’t much to say about this story in general.

Rating: 2/10 Trollestia’s (this is just a ranking system not a way of saying I trolled)

Story link: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/480817/into-the-open-life

Comments

[Pete100]

Yikes.