Day 7: Moving Sideways, and a Rarity-Applejack Extract · 11:50pm Sep 24th, 2020
I'm postponing till tomorrow whether or not to continue this experiment. At the moment, I can't say I have high hopes. Seven days to get the act together, and I only wrote anything for two of them (not today), and about 2,800 words at that.
Yet it's such a tiny fraction of the intended final result that it all feels like a weak effort: against my longstanding average, 2,800 words in a week is honestly no improvement at all.
After the initial excitement of doing something new and feeling connected with the broader fandom again, all that happened was that it wore off after just a few days and I ended up as tired and alienated as ever.
Bloody Sisyphus Syndrome. That's what this is. 
I just don't get the point of putting myself through this again.
Today in particular, I ended up sidetracked from the Babs Seed project. It's not that the ideas and the layout and some flicker of enthusiasm for playing around and detailing this pony world and its oddball but loveable cast aren't all there.
It's just... why bother? What difference does it make if it doesn't get published? So the world doesn't have yet another fic for its overwhelming collection. Big whoop. There'll be a hundred others popping up somewhere else anyway. All the meaningful stuff happens elsewhere. When you get down to it, I'm just another obscure hack with delusions of grandeur and not enough imagination or flexibility to quit a losing streak.
I don't know why I invested in this writing hobby in the first place. I'm well past the point where I can convince myself it'll financially pay off anyway, because I can barely write anything, let alone have a chance of getting it published for money. It's honestly much easier to just daydream and cut out the middle man, so to speak.
Eff it. I said reading, enjoying DVDs, playing games, and taking walks were easier (both to do and to enjoy); factor in the fact I like my official job more than I like this so-called passion hobby, and I might as well chuck this writing malarkey and just make sure the rest of my days are at least enjoyable.
Oh, doubtless I'll somehow get the writing bug again and try, try again later down the road, anyway. Well, it better come up with a convincing reason next time, because right now it's looking like a pretty wretched and pointless way to live a life.
The only reason I don't say I'm quitting is because even I don't believe myself at this point. It's like an obsession, or a compulsion, or an addiction of some kind. But I do say I'm getting sick of it.
Look, I don't like going on about this kind of negativity either. If it were up to me, I'd have few if any major writing problems, and most of my blog posts would be me gushing over the trivia and details of a passion project, or writing lots of interesting things and feeling like I have to rush to tell someone about all the cool stuff that's out there, because there's too much likeable and fascinating stuff in life to feel like moping is much of a long-term strategy.
But I said I'd give you seven days of access to my own personal backstage, and here's the dark side, and now you know it's not all sunshine and rainbows, except you only get a few minutes of it that are optional. I get a compulsory dose at random and way too often. This isn't even the worst I've ever felt. In a twisted way, you should consider yourself lucky.
So enough of that "raging against the heavens". Let's do something worthwhile. What did make today worthwhile?
Well, a fortuitous discovery, for one. Ended up finding out about something called Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous and, curiosity piqued, read about it to find out more. I think I've heard of it before now, but until today I had no idea if it was an official thing or just some Internet creation. Apparently, it's a pretty good Netflix exclusive. Certainly sounds interesting from the synopsis.
Also, I read more Pratchett. You can't go wrong with Pratchett.
Reading through Carpe Jugulum, and pretty surprised by the theme of duality and faith running through the book, especially when it focuses on the characters Agnes Nitt and Quite Reverend Mightily Oats (god I love Pratchett's character names). Feeling like there's a committee in your head and most of them sow doubt or think the wrong thoughts: now there's something I can relate to.
And Granny Weatherwax is as badass as ever, though it's interesting how this book hints she has a very dangerous limit to what she can do, and the effort to defeat the enemy this time around puts her through the wringer something fierce. Always loved the dark birthing scene near the beginning which causes her own stress to start getting the better of her, even before the vampires show up.
I might read the Tiffany Aching series after this one. It'd feel like a natural extension of the witches' storyline, and I've never tried reading the witch series in this order before. Could put some later events in a new light.
Also rediscovered and reread some old material I'd written years ago, involving a Dinky project, that I actually quite liked. Alongside pages and pages of old projects that collectively would make several novels if I'd ever finished them, and probably would be decent enough if they ever saw the light of day. Sometimes, my new rule of never publishing anything until it's finished causes a hefty dose of pain, because it means dozens of hours of work wasted.
Back in the day, I used to have an old practice of trying to write a big project, failing, and then tidying up what little scene had been completed already, publishing it, and pretending that was the whole thing. Normally, I wouldn't allow myself to do that anymore either, but this Dinky project honestly isn't that far off and seems surprisingly self-contained already, so I might make an exception. It only needs one small scene, after all, and a little tidying up here and there.
Lastly - because knowing my luck, this passage for the Babs Seed project might end up hibernating in a folder somewhere - I thought I'd at least post it here as proof I'm not doing nothing.
I did end up writing a passage for that scene involving the Silver Luna Six museum in Manehattan, but in the end I couldn't resist putting Rarity in (because she just felt natural for a lot of celebrity status, high class, and fashion issues touched upon in the story).
Cue a scene between her and Applejack whilst admiring the frills and power crystals of the magical warrior girls from Equestria's history:
âHow come itâs always a crystal?â said Applejack out of nowhere.
âHmmâŚâ Rarity admired her reflection in the ruby facets. âIâm sorry, what?â
âYou know, magic crystals or transforminâ gemstones or suchlike. Itâs always a crystal.â
âWhatever else would it be?â
âWhy not something different, like â Ah dunno â like a magic tin can?â
With a patronizing twinkle, Rarity giggled, totally at ease even in a crude world of Applejackâs devising. âAstonishingly, I doubt your âmagic tin canâ is going to catch on.â
âWell, it could do!â Applejack glowered, someone who knew sheâd been blunderingly stupid but who was suddenly determined to stand up for the result. âNo reason why not!â
âLacks a certain something, wouldnât you agree?â
âYou get magic broomsticks.â
âBroomsticks clean up garbage. Tin cans are garbage. Anyway, thatâs for horrible old witches. Applejack, look at these beauties! Have you no appreciation for the tactical glamour of â?â
âTactical what, now?â
âTactical glamour! Dazzling your enemies with such intimidating elegance and superior poise that they tremble at the sight of you â Something amusing, Applejack?â
Hastily, Applejack coughed the last of her laugh aside. âNo, nope, Ah reckon Ah get it. Tremblinâ. Right.â
âAt least try to pretend to see it my way?â
âAh am indeed! Such a scary shine they got too! Ah can feel my galoshes shakinâ as we speak.â
âOh, grow up, Applejack!â Moodily, Rarity moved on to the next crystal sceptre. âYou do go on.â
More seriously, Applejack dropped the grin and strode over to her. She peered over the cold shoulder at the case. Sparkles and gleaming facets were much in evidence.
âWell, just think about it,â she continued as if nothing had happened. âYou got the Crystal Heart, Twilightâs castleâs made out of crystal, the Tree of Harmonyâs crystal⌠What for, Ah wanna know?â
âHonestly,â sighed Rarity to the glass, pausing to check her teeth. âCrystal always has a dash of elegance about it.â
âYeah? Ah asked Twilight about it once, and she said crystalâs made out of all these atomic molecule things all in a repeatinâ order, like a library but with a hundred copies of the same book.â
âThere you are, then. The harmony of the atoms reflects the harmony of the magic of friendââ
âOnly Ah donât think it works like that,â said Applejack with the air of one determined to pick at a scab only she could see. âAh put apples in a repeatinâ order on a table once, like a honeycomb. Nothinâ magic happened, and then a bunch of crows stole âem.â
âWell, applesâŚâ Rarity caught the expression behind her in the reflection. âNot that thereâs anything wrong with apples, of course! Iâm sure apples are lovely in their own organic way. But theyâre notâŚâ
Rarity chewed over her words, the better to ensure Applejack wouldnât later bite her head off.
âApples are lovely,â she said slowly and carefully, âbut theyâre not divine.â
âUh huh.â
âNot divine, you see.â
âAh see. Glad you cleared that up, really.â
âAlways a pleasure, Applejack.â
They moved on to the next exhibit, a crystal tiara in the shape of a six-pointed star, sitting on a podium. Both of them made a big show of examining the museumâs explanation of this replicaâs careful reconstruction, posted on the wall behind it. At least, Rarity put on the more convincing show: Applejack shuffled aside and surrendered most of the stage to her. Crystal tiara historian was a role better suited for Rarityâs acting talents.
âIn that case, what does âdivineâ mean exactly?â said Applejack. âYou use that word more than Ah use the word âciderâ.â
Now Rarity had the hunted look of a tour guide â whoâd only been told what lines to say by their immediate supervisor â upon facing the kind of tourist who kept looking things up in a big encyclopaedia and was even now pouting thoughtfully over the top of it.
âIt⌠means⌠good⌠lovelyâŚâ she said whilst her mind frantically made urgent hoof signals to the supervisor. âBut⌠more so.â
âUh huh?â
ââDivineâ⌠simply means the state⌠of, uh⌠of possessing divinity.â
âOK, so what does âdivinityâ mean?â
ââDivinityâ means the state of being⌠divine.â
Applejackâs eyebrow raised a hoof questioningly. Miss Rarity the Teacher pretended to ignore it, then erred by looking up. Applejack waited until eye contact was definitely made, then raised her eyebrow higher.
Rarity smiled weakly. âI swear Iâm leading up to something.â
Whilst Rarity pretended to look about for the âsomethingâ as if sheâd momentarily dropped an earring and hadnât seen it roll under the podium, Applejack inspected the tiara again. It was a superior piece of craftsponyship, she could see that, but she saw it, as it were, from the edge of the white fence surrounding her inner farmland. Out there, it might have been divine, but in here the only hat Applejack believed in was the one sitting on her head.
âYou reckon an apple-shaped gemstone might look nice on my hat? As an accessory kinda thing? Or a brooch?â She offered the words as tribute.
Sagging gratefully, Rarityâs lips near snatched them up. âIâm sure I could make arrangements when we returned to our native territory, yes. And really Applejack, itâs about time you did something new with your hat.â
âSure, Rarity.â
âIf it gets any older, you could put it in a museum of its own!â
âCould always do with the bits, to be honest.â
âA small brooch?â
âNothinâ fancy, yeah.â
âRuby red? It would complement your cutie mark.â
âGot nothinâ against compliments, if you wanna give âem.â
âI will once Iâve done something about that hat!â
Balance restored, Applejack signed off with a smile and obediently followed Rarity to the next gallery.
That's all for now. Impossible Numbers, out.
What you offer outshines the vast majority of that sprawling collection of horsewords. The sample here shows it. Here's hoping you see more success going forward. And that Dinky story does sound delightful.
5363542
It's very sweet of you, but I simultaneously wish this was true and find it hard to believe with much conviction. Surely, if I was that good, you'd think I'd have earned more followers or garnered more of a general reputation by now. For instance, out of the hundred most prolific authors on this site by story count, then when that lot is subsequently ranked by follower count, I end up near the bottom of the list.
I'm aware of the argument that this is putting too much stock on external validation, and I'll probably feel differently about it tomorrow. Here and now, though, it's hard to feel vindicated by inner contentment or passion or some-such when it seems so nebulous, subjective, and fleeting.
I also don't want to sound arrogant or entitled. I am grateful. I really am. I just don't want this sort of thing to go to my head either.
Here's hoping indeed. Honestly, I want this to get better as time goes on (sooner rather than later would be favourite).
Hm... Well, with any luck, I might indeed get around to finishing and publishing it before the month's out. I'd like to have something to show for September, and the fic seems OK enough. But who can say what the future holds for sure?
The Rarity and Applejack segment is great.
Horse fame is random, and it isn't like anything is really "meaningful" especially not here. What there is, is that you slugged it out and developed your craft. Selfishly, I hope to see more horse words from you.
5363550
External validation is even more so, though.
5363695
With the objective-looking numbers used to measure it, I didn't think of that. Yet there's something to what you say, yes.
Hey Numbers. I don't know how to say anything here that I think would help you, but I wanted to let you know that you've managed to articulate a lot of feelings I had 3/4 years ago about this whole writing thing. Reading this gave me the "shock of recognition". I had severe unhappiness over writing through 2016 and 2017. I lost the spark; I felt tired; I felt alienated. I made a conscious effort to give it a real try at the start of 2018. And it took all of 2 weeks for me to say to myself, "Just stop." It was hard at first to actually stop trying--and it was also an immediate relief.
I didn't "write" anything again until this year. 2 whole years, pretty much. I'd even settled into something like acceptance over not being a writer. And then... this year, I just got the bug again (it wasn't even lockdown what did it!), after thinking I never would, that it was dead and buried. I tried again. Not sure how long it will stick, but... that doesn't feel like it matters so much. I know now it's okay to stop doing something if it's making me unhappy, even if it was something I previously used to define myself.
I'm not telling you to stop writing. I think you're a good writer, with a great imagination and really interesting ideas that I haven't seen other people touch on. (The lack of romance, for one thing.) But I'm also telling you it's okay to stop for a bit.
Like I said, this probably doesn't 'help' you. I don't know. You really did pinpoint something that resonated with me, though.
Also, yes, Pratchett. Witches series, yes. Granny Weatherwax. All the yes.
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The idea of not writing for a short while seems sensible enough: it's a way to stop, take stock, and remind myself where I'm going. The idea of not writing for years... That's a downright alarming prospect.
If I let go for that long, I'm not sure what I'd grab onto when I got back, or whether I'd grab onto anything solid again.
Gosh, I think I do need a break.
And this is why I think I need a break. It's not just that writing (forcing myself to write) too often makes me unhappy, nor even that it's been doing so for ages: it's that, at this point, it's astonishingly the only regular source of unhappiness in a life that's otherwise honestly not that bad. And for a passion of mine, a hobby, to be doing that to me? The irony is like an icicle in my head.
5364248
Apparently a couple of years is what I needed, but who's to say it would be the same for you? The upside was I came back to the page with much more life experience and fresh ideas! The downside was feeling pretty weird and wistful about writing for those 2 years, hah. I sorta came to terms with the lack, but that's not to say it didn't bother me. I missed writing the whole time! But what I missed was when it made me happy, rather than the 2 years of unhappiness it had caused before my break!
I've never actually read the Tiffany stories before... I feel like this would be a fun thing to do!
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That's the devil of the whole thing, isn't it? I miss it when I'm not doing it, and then I have a bad time when I try. If writing were a person, it'd be locked up for mental abuse (which is a damn good reason to keep it out of my life until it starts behaving itself properly).
I think I will go for that break. Not for two years, I hope, but as a minimum so I can start feeling better generally.
Well, I'd recommend giving them a try, certainly. Tiffany's quite an unconventional and resourceful hero even by Discworld standards, and humour-wise there's plenty of fun from the "Wee Free Men" themselves (basically gnomes if they were all super-strong violent Scots).
I personally give the series a special status among Pratchett's works because of the lore of the Chalk downs featured as the setting: you get the sense Pratchett was putting a lot of his West Country experiences into the novels, which gives the folklore a strangely personal feeling (also influenced by how it ties in with a central - deceased - figure in Tiffany's life; this is a surprisingly dark and no-nonsense series at times).