Upset. (Rant warning.) · 10:19pm May 10th, 2020
Sorry to say this guys, but...I need a break from writing here. No set date on which I'll return, but if you want to know what's going on in my life, keep going. Otherwise, you can go.
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I just had a rather frustration-filled conversation with my parents about my college career, and frankly, I admit it. I was a bad student already, got worse with the quarantine/stay-at-home time, and I failed at least one of my three final exams as a result. And to keep the benefits from Vocational Rehabilition to help me find a job, I need at least a 3.0 GPA, and mine most likely tanked because of my most recent grades. I didn't have the support I needed (tutoring mostly) thanks to the quarantine, and even so I wasn't a good student and I didn't study when I could have. As a result, I fucked my grades over. (I passed 1 of my 3 finals. Only one. And it was only by a slim margin on the scale.)
So, at dinner tonight, I had to tell my parents my end results and they were not happy. So we decided (reluctantly, as I really feel that I won't get anywhere in life without at least an associate's degree.) that I'm not enrolling for classes in the summer, and I'm focusing on finding a job, even if it's part time or hell, full-time. I don't give a shit at this point where I end up. I just want a job and the promise I won't be laid off. (Merlin's beard, anyone remember?)
So, here I am.
In my room.
With the lights off, ranting here because I can't go two goddamn seconds without reciting the entire profane dictionary I have in my mind over and over again because I'm SO FUCKING PISSED at myself right now. I closed the door so my folks downstairs wouldn't hear me curse out loud. Not much consolation though.
I'm getting flashbacks to High school where I failed the majority of my finals until Junior and Senior year. That was not fun in itself, but this is 10x worse. Frankly, I don't know why I even want to stay in college right now, let alone for the summer semester. I'm legitimately about to find the nearest crushable object and bring it down to size by a 5:1 ratio using my fists and anger alone. I feel like an academic failure, and frankly, God knows I actually am an academic failure.
I'm just...exhausted. From college, from my family being cooped up in a house that's probably too small for 5 adults, and just life in general. It's infuriating how fate continues to screw me over academically year after every goddamn fucking year.
AND THERE'S SEEMINGLY NOTHING I CAN FUCKING DO TO STOP IT.
(Takes in a breath.)
Anyway...I need a long break. I intend to keep writing, just no published updates for a while. I need to get my inspirational spark back, and it won't be coming for a while at this rate.
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Rant over.
Thanks for sticking with me guys. This whole quarantine and the political BS across the country that's come with it has me on edge more than usual. I won't talk politics here, that's a rather bad move in my opinion as several seen blogs told me, but...I just need time.
A lot of time to change, rally up, and start off on my best foot going forward.
Wish me luck, and thank you again.
Whoa I didn’t think you had it bad and I thought Holy was in a bad place until recently.
Hope you get better XXXX
....well.... at least you can GET a job that you can do... my work ethic, though improving, is.... near nonexistant....
5260029
Thanks a bunch.
Yikes sorry to hear that on what youre going through. It can be depressing without having help or support.
Things will get better in the future. Just stay positive
I know how you feel man. My parents daily get onto me about college. It's frustrating, I know, but if life wasn't tough, we wouldn't be able to enjoy the times that we can relax. Life may be tough, but we've all got to go through it.
yikes....damn I am sorry my friend. I think I can slightly understand that feeling. I understand if you need a decent bit of time