My Reflection part 2! · 4:43am Jan 3rd, 2020
So some of you guys are probably worried about me but I guess I owe you guys a explanation of what I was talking about. When I first started to try and help people I was so optimistic but then for the last few years I ended up loosing my self. I looked up and didn't see the person who I was because I killed him. You see I started to understand that a person that I was couldn't be strong enough to make the right decision and in a way it killed him. So I could ended up becoming the person I had to be to help people. I ended up loosing my self and started following my own personal code like a vendetta. I guess I wanted to make sure that I didn't sacrifice my younger personality for nothing and so I kept going and going through out the years but sometimes I would look up at the stars and think on it. Everything I have done until now has it been for the best? I kept on asking myself and my answer would always be "I know it's not best for me but I know it's best for everyone else" and so I just kept at it until recently. I have regained a little part of my old personality. I know look at a situation through two different personalities. One my old personality and in that mind set I will be to concerned about the decisions I have made to go and do what must be done. I am also worried that I will let personal feelings get in the way of doing what's right. The other personality is the one I usually have the I don't care what you think attitude which is useful when helping people. I have had friends being complete dick's and when I try to talk to them. They always try to get a way with it by saying I am there friend. I would of course say that doesn't excuse you for your actions and let him have a mouth full. I do also show restraint when have to actually fist fight people. I usually try to incapacitate them by getting them in a arm lock or forcing their hands behind their backs but I never actually try to seriously injure them. I love my current personality because I can help to my fullest extent without just being another person who thinks that their noble. There's a really good quote I take to heart and I will tell it to you now. "A hero either dies or lives long enough to see them selves become the villain." I have seen a lot of people who actually confirm that this is true and so I thought if I decided to sacrifice my self by doing right by only the people around me then I will be happy. Doing things just for my self didn't make sense anymore and so that's how I carried on for years but I guess I always had a person worth fighting for but then in recent years I noticed that I didn't really have a really good friend group and I was having family issues at the time and so I started to almost feel like a machine that was just following orders. I felt like I was a dead man walking but in my mind I always kept thinking as long as I can make people happy. I started to realize that I have been kind of cast out of my friend Group left to rot and the only person I can turn to is my girlfriend who I am still convinced I shouldn't be worthy of her. I had to breach my code in order to get. I also have you guys but ever since the show ended I started to hear less and less from you guys. I guess I started to get cut off of all the people I cared about because I just wasn't the person they thought I was or they started to use me like a tool. I guess this is why I ask you guy's if you remember the good I have done because I just wanted to see if anyone else still believes in me.
PS: Don't worry I decided I would get my feelings out and with what happened in my previous blog I decided that there was no longer a need for smoke and mirrors. Please take this as you will. I will still be updating Clever like a Fox and doing all my normal stuff I just wanted to give you guy's a explanation for the last blog post and I decided that the best way is just to put it out there. Again please keep in mind that I gave you all my absolute trust when posting this. Please don't spread rumors or say negative things. If you don't care then just go about your day and act like nothing happened.
Dude your a great person you do a great job helping people. We should hop in a game of fallout and hang out we haven’t talked in a while
Hey man. Thanks for opening up like this! You're a great person, and don't let your negative thoughts tell you otherwise. People from the outside looking in see it, but a common phrase I live by is, "We are our own worst enemies." Take your own judgments of yourself with a grin of salt; they are driven by someone who knows you intimately: yourself.
We, as a whole, judge ourselves harshly, because we want o be exactly like one thing, but achieving that is probably impossible. We are limited by our minds, bodies, and personalities, and we hate that. We feel like, if other people can be that good, why can't we? We force changes on ourselves, but then we know we aren't being true to ourselves, so we curse ourselves more.
Being wholly content within one's own skin is a difficult thing to achieve and not everybody does it. However, just because you are uncertain, doesn't invalidate all the good you've done.
As for myself, I'm not a very social person. I am quiet and withdrawn, but that doesn't mean I'm uncaring. I think about my friends, online and offline, on a regular basis. You guys are all valuable to me, even if I'm not super talkative about it. So, just because you don't hear from me, don't think that I don't still consider you a friend and an awesome person; it'd just be untrue.
Well, it's nice to hear from ya. I'm not a very social person myself. I keep to my own little world. I can understand and fully relate to your helping people. I try to do that, either in person or even online. But from what little I've read, not only from you but post from those who DO know you. you are doing just fine. I have a VERY small circle of friends, both in-person and online.
I myself struggle with the negative a lot too. so if you ever need someone you can vent too. please just shoot me a PM. I'm always happy to listen and lend a bit of support.
and as for not feeling worthy enough for your marefriend. Welcome to the club. we have cookies and teeshirts.
It's great to hear from you. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this.
You're amazing and you do an amazing job helping others.
We're all still here! Don't worry. This fandom will never die. We're here for you and for whatever you need. It's great to help others, but don't forget to sometimes take a break and help yourself.