Black Orchid · 9:02pm Dec 23rd, 2019
There's an old Blue October song about suicide call Black Orchid, and the final lyric in it is "Maybe life's not for everyone". That's always really resonated with me. The idea that no matter what you do, there's just a chance that life isn't for you, that that's why nothing goes right, or rather, that even when things go right it's all still wrong.
And if that is true, if there are just some people who life isn't for, then I've got to be one of them. I'm really rather pathetic. I can hardly take care of myself, I can't take care of a household, basic work makes me suicidally depressed. I've attempted suicide before, not that long ago. Most people reading this will have been following me when I did. A handful of prescription strength sleeping pills, which I later threw up (not intentionally; as I later found out they put emetics in sleeping pills, which makes you throw up if you take too much). I regretted it pretty quickly, but that regret comes and goes. Most days lately I wish it had worked.
I'm good at a few things. I like to say I'm only good at writing, but that's not exactly true. I'm good with words, which extends past writing and into things such as making my point. I'm quite skilled at arguments, in fact. As well as talking to people, at least online. I'm pretty popular on Discord, I have more friends now than I ever had in the past.
But I'm very bad at most things. Like life. I just can't seem to wrap my head around doing stuff. And I know that's because executive dysfunction which is a symptom of both autism and depression, but that doesn't help. Knowing my brain is fucked up and that's why I'm so pathetic doesn't really help.
We have a lot of guns, and ammo for them. I've never liked guns, but I find some degree of solace in having them around. I have a more reliable option than sleeping pills next time, if I ever can figure out how to load and use the handgun in the bedside table drawer.
I can't pull my weight in our household, I don't do as much as I should and it causes problems. Angel, my wife, bends over backwards to try and work with me in ways that I can get around my executive dysfunction and actually help out, and it doesn't work. It never does, because life just isn't for me.
There's an episode of BoJack Horseman called Stupid Piece of Shit, and it's the most relatable depiction of depression I've ever seen. Throughout the whole episode, BoJack is supposed to be doing things but he just doesn't. He doesn't do anything important or fun while he's slacking off from things, he just does things like sitting on the side of the road in his car. All the while, we hear his thoughts as he begs himself to just fucking do something. That's me every day of my life, and it has been for as long as I can remember. And unlike BoJack, I don't have things like a drug problem and shitty parents to blame for it, I'm just fundamentally a useless person in most aspects of my life.
What the fuck is even the point of this? Why am I typing this out, why am I posting this? It feels like a grab for attention, which I guess it might be. But God, I hate all the stuff people say in times like this. It'll be okay, things get better, you'll make it through, all that shit. I don't get better. I've been fundamentally broken my entire life and I'm going to stay that way. Even if my depression lifted, I'd still have the executive dysfunction making me useless.
I guess if there's a purpose to this it's two fold. One, in the event that I ever kill myself, no one can say there weren't any warning signs. And two, I like being honest because I want other people struggling with stuff like this to know that someone else gets it. Sometimes it helps. That episode of BoJack helps a lot. I don't think this blog post would help me if I were seeing someone else post it, but I don't know. Maybe it'll help someone.
I don't know if I really care about that right now actually. I'm just talking, wishing I could explain why and how I'm so fucked up. I should have said sooner, but this isn't a suicide note or anything. If anything, it's a "I wish I was already dead so I wouldn't have to think about suicide" note.
I think I really just wanted to tell someone about the life's not for everyone thing, and I didn't want to bother any of my friends with it personally, which is stupid because many of them will see this blog post and anyway I know they'd want me to come to them. Maybe it's just that I don't want to talk to anyone right now and this is a way to say things I want to say without having to talk to anyone. It's probably that.
This blog post is going to come back to spite me, I'm sure of it… But I don't care right now. For now, I just needed to say some things I guess. Life's not for everyone.
I've lived with major depression for most of my life.
There is a solution, but it takes pressure. You need to keep trying medication until something works. Therapy is also advisable. I have treatment-resistant depression, but because I love those around me I've never been able to completely give up on myself (ever since my suicide attempt, anyway, but that was a long time ago).
It's very hard to advocate for yourself when you're depressed, but it's what you need to do medically, and you need to do it immediately. There is no legitimate reason for you to feel the way that you do, and every reason to put a stop to the pain through non-harmful means. It is possible to overcome this. I hope you are able to start that journey.
You know reading (fan)fiction helped me a lot in my life everytime I reached a low.
Knowing there will be a book or a new chapter of a story makes me happy.
So you are making me feel good too with your stories
Write your thoughts out because having them going rampant in your head is some of the worst things you can do like a pressure cooker that explodes when the pressure gets to high. We humans (like ponies) are a social species and sometimes we need to rant and cry out to others even if feels like it's causing harm.
Writing directly rather than in public, but I saw this.
It's Angel, just checked on Krickis. Not in the best of moods when I woke her but she seems relatively okay all things considered.
I second Trick's call to therapy. I also know how hard it can be to obtain. But everyone needs someone they can talk to when everything's looking bleak, and sometimes it helps if they don't necessarily know you beforehand.
Just being able to vent your emotions somewhere can be helpful, so I completely understand writing all of this out. This is pretty much what I do most of the time when I see my therapist, just let all of the built up negative emotions out and put to words everything that feels bad that I don't feel capable of fixing.
I just want you to know that even if I don't really know you otherwise, I really appreciate your writing. Like many people I've had a hard time coming to terms with feelings about gender and sexuality and identity, and it's rare that I find writing that does such a good job of showing LGBT perspectives on life. I'm really looking forward to the rest of Piece by Piece, it's just so rare that I actually get to see a trans character going through the same kind of mental-emotional states that I've gone through. It helps a lot when trying to understand my own feelings. I know that nothing I can say is just going to make everything better, but I want you to know that you're appreciated. Not everyone can do everything, but you've already done some amazing things for me and I'm glad that I get to read what you write!
5173839
I'm on a couple medications that help a lot, and before I moved, I went to therapy for quite a while. I'm looking into options for therapy where I live now, but it's hard as I'm unemployed and don't have insurance. My suicide attempt happened when I was in therapy and on medications, so it's not for lack of professional help.
5173855
I'm glad I'm in some way able to help you with my stories. That truly is the best thing I have going for me in life. And I generally agree with getting things out there instead of just keeping them in your head, even if right now I just regret making this whole post as I thought I would.
5173911
I'm hopeful to get a therapist soon, not that therapy has ever felt like it helped me in the past. But it's looking like it'll be a while before that's an option, since I don't have insurance.
5173946
Thank you, it helps a lot to know my stories make an impact on people. If nothing else, the comments on this blog post were a good reminder of that. I don't know that I feel better from this, but I do feel a bit better now that some time has passed.
5174041
If you had an attempt while on medication (assuming you'd been on it for at least a month), that medication does not work for you. You need to aggressively change your meds until you find something that legitimately removes the symptoms.
I wish I knew some profound thing to say thst would help you feel better. But sadly I don't. You're one of my best friends, and I hate that I just don't know what to do to help. You know I'm here if you need anyone to talk to or vent to.
5174048
The medication I'm on has changed my life. I don't sleep all day because it's better than being awake anymore, I get out and actually do things and see people I care about once in a while, I can write again (which I can not emphasize the importance of it enough). To say it doesn't work for me is polarizing a non-black and white issue, and with all due respect, you're not aware of the full situation of how I was before being on it and how I am now. Trying something else might be better, or it might take away the only thing that's making my life worth living at all. And in any event, I literally don't have the option to change my meds until I find a place in the state I moved to that will work with me because I'm unemployed without insurance, so I've got the last three month refill on these current meds and then nothing at all.
5174051
I know, and I appreciate it. It hasn't exactly been something I wanted to talk about directly, and certainly wasn't anything I wanted to talk about earlier today when I wrote this. I'm feeling a bit better now than I was earlier.
Life is choc full of bullshit. Some people are either in denial of it or immersed in it to the point of being "used to it"; but when you suffer from depression or anything that makes you ovserve the world with a microscope (I find that this is part of my autism), bullshit affects you, deeply, personally, unrelently fucking with you.
I know that's probably not the most coherent thought ever, but it makes more sense in my scrambled little head.
I have no answer for this for myself, let alone anyone else. I try seeing being upset by bullshit as a perfectly rational reaction, and denying the bullshit is probably as unhealthy as wallowing in it, at least for someone with depression.
Suicide, yeah, a few times. Again, no advice there; I scarcely understand why I'm still alive.
I guess I'm motivated the most by the promise of COMPLETING everything I've set out to do.
Anyway, bun, I guess I'm trying to say that I understand, that I have similar problems of that nature, and that those emotions you feel are almost undoubtedly felt by myself on a regular basis.
Life isn't for everyone, as you said. And that's okay, literally none of us asked to be born. But there is something to live for, whether it is earthly pleasure or human constructs like intellectually stimulating conversation or the joy of creation. I know that your writing and your friendship has made me a very happy witch!
5174746
I feel better than when I made this post, although no permanent solution yet (to be expected, I'm sure). Thanks for the support, not just now but always, and I'm glad I've been able to make you happy
As a person who almost committed suicide twice I can safely say that the scariest thing about it is not actually dying when you perform it. No, the scariest thing is actually doing it, the thought of actually performing suicide is quite possibly the scariest thing you could ever go through. Growing up I got into fights against my stepmom, and they were all our screaming slap-in-the-face types, the kind that makes it very easy to get depressed about. To be fair I was a teenager that had a lot of issues and it didn't help that I egged the argument on, eventually I reached the point of thinking of ending it. Do you know what stopped me from slitting my wrists or my throat?
I became frightened about actually doing it.
It was that sobering thought that stopped it and I managed to get out of the depression, of course it returned about a year or two later but I recovered from that faster. There is something you should be aware of, thoughts of suicide never really go away. I recovered on my own and never really talked to anyone about it, not even my own family. Sometimes the thought of what if pops up, and when it does it stops me for a moment before dismissing it. So trust me when I say that it's not worth it, you have friends and family both here and offline that you can reach out to if you are afraid of going that far.
Remember you are not alone. Not now, not ever.