Techie's SPICY Smokin' Toasted Self-Roasted Reviews #37: [Pony-Me™]! · 1:37am Nov 12th, 2019
So, we've finally gotten to this story, haven't we?
Given how it's the longest single story I've got posted here, I'll do the usual skimming. Though, instead of skipping chapters, I'll instead skim each individual chapter with only a few things to say each. There'll still be the usual roasts and reactions, but quite a few times I'll also be either comparing the passage to what I've got written for the original fiction, or commenting on the writing itself.
Let's begin. 
"CONNECTION LOST. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER."
Seems fitting enough, for a story originally meant as a ventfic about having Comcast internet.
Eventually, the girl finally managed to tear the object from her face with a resounding grunt of pain. Now, she sat silent on the cot, staring down at the strange device that had formerly been strapped to her. She looked up, taking in the barren room around her, then down, back to the device. Then, to her surprise-- her hands, complete with a small name tag around her wrist.
I originally thought that this story was gonna be at most five, maybe six chapters long. Boy, was I wrong.
"You're not supposed to be awake."
Lisa raised a brow. "What do you mean? I'm perfectly fine right now, aside from being... well, y'know, stuck here. I'm completely awake, albeit confu--"
"No, no. I didn't mean that you're not allowed to be awake," the man cut in, "I mean that the programming's connection to the rest of the network was severed somewhere. You should still be off somewhere in whatever happy-land that it was that you were in.
I straight-up just removed this part entirely in the original fiction. She's allowed to be awake now. 
The world is calling.
This title always stuck out to me. I ended up shuffling it around with some others to make the story flow better.
Granted, Lisa knew that this wasn't the human world that she knew, but nevertheless, she'd recognize a hamburger anywhere.
'cause in a story where Equestria Girls is only questionably canon, ponies totally know what a hamburger is.
Also, heck, for a story that's meant to be as realistic as possible, you would not want to eat a hamburger as your first meal after waking. Probiotic yogurts are a much better idea.
A cool breeze blew through the girl's hair as she squinted in the bright midday sunlight. She still wore the medical gown that she'd awoken with, complete with the same identification bracelet strapped tightly around her wrist. But the strangeness of the situation aside, Lisa Garnet, the girl who once called herself Twilight Sparkle, was most definitely awake.
Lisa accepted the fact that she's a human and not a pony waaaaay too fast here.
Lisa Garnet instinctively followed the concrete path, the map unfolded in her hands, and the sheets of the cot wrapped about her shivering body. It had hardly been an hour since she had left her so-called "home", but it had already become cold enough for her to turn back once, hence the sheets.
1: map is gone. map was basically useless
2: heckin' placing the building so gosh-darn far from town was a bad idea.
With another half an hour and enough sprinting to last a lifetime, Lisa Garnet had finally arrived at what she assumed to be the city gates. The only problem? The people.
The streets of the town, while paved, hardly looked to be in use, and the few people seen wandering outdoors were dressed the same way Lisa herself had been- medical gown, shoeless, and occasionally donning a makeshift cape of sheets. Many seemed to cast wary, almost confused glares at each other, as if nobody had known each other, or even seen each other, for their entire lives.
One recurring thing I notice in these early chapters is that things just feel so awkward. Sure, it didn't feel awkward while I was writing the thing, but that's only because at the time this was an entirely new writing style. Now though? Hecc.
"OFFICER JONES, AT YOUR SERVICE!" the man shouted, spinning to face Lisa with a salute.
I debated removing Andrew pretty early on in the story, and even in the original fiction he doesn't appear until much later.
Lisa sat on the curb idly, watching as the noise slowly returned as the same people who had disappeared into the buildings. Her stomach grumbled.
Yeah, that hamburger you wolfed down definitely doesn't have anything to do with that, amirite?
He reached into his pockets, and pulled out a vial of pale-beige liquid. "With all of you now disconnected, I know that you all are no longer able to sustain yourselves off of these nutrient supplements that you have lived off of for most of your lives, meaning that for now, just as you may have done shortly after waking, you will temporarily resort to the old habits of eating solid food."
...I wrote this guy like that? Geez, I gave him an actual sense of humor according to what I had planned.
"Allow me to introduce myself," she began, "I am Melina Daalmans, head of your local sustenance sector. I oversee the machinery that keeps all of you alive, and upon hearing the first emergency call to your city in over a decade, my team and I quickly oversaw the disconnection of the populace for the safety and integrity of the local society."
I seriously wanted to make Daalmans an antagonist in this story at first when I gave the story its first extension. Ultimately decided against it, and that's a good thing.
Night had since fallen over the city, and the streets had come alight with flashlights handed out by the so-called "Sustenance Sector". Many, however, continued to blindly stumble along the dark streets into their respective houses and shelters.
Sustenance Sector was a bit too awkward and technical. I've pretty much abandoned the term entirely in favor of just saying "towns" because holy heck did I tend to overcomplicate things in this fic.
"So this is your room." Lisa deadpanned tiredly as she glanced about yet another barren room.
"Well, what do you expect? We all have the same rooms." Andrew returned as he lounged on his cot, the tubing and headset since shoved into the corner beside the machine.
Lisa no longer stays the night with some rando guy she just met in the original fiction because S T R A N G E R D A N G E R. Also, because she doesn't have so freakin' far to walk back home to.
Wait... she paused, turning to watch the boy that was now stacking cobblestones, I know that voice.
Wow, it's like I was planning on including Spike all this time!
The boy rolled his eyes. "Someplace you don't need to hear about." he groaned, turning away from Lisa, "Just leave me alone!"
First off, I had absolutely no idea what anyone's canon age was going to be at this point. Everything up to Part 2 of the story was written completely on-the-fly. I didn't even leave notes on what happened. Instead I just had the previous chapter open whenever I was writing and used that for reference. Baaaaaad idea when your story gets long.
Back to the point, though. I originally wrote Timothy to be at most in his early teens, or even a pre-teen. Boy, would that get in the way when I was setting up a timeline of events leading up to what goes down in this story. I eventually ended up aging him up to his mid-late teens on account of how the heck would you put a pre-teen in a permanent simulation? It makes much more sense if he willingly followed Lisa into the simulation instead of just being all "oh, I need a character for Spike. Hmm, let's just go with the name of the kid in my high school English class that I've known since first grade and call it a day".
The boy paused, before turning to face Lisa. "Why do you want to know?!" He replied angrily, "I said leave me alone! I've already tried to talk to the others in this place, but all they do is laugh."
Funny thing is, the dynamic here is completely reversed in the original fiction. It's Timothy that eggs Lisa on and on for answers.
"NYA HIGAWAH!" An older woman screeched as she shot past, slamming face-first into a brick wall.
Look, a bad Angry Birds reference!
...Yes, I was seriously considering making an angry birds-based simulation canon to this story.
"...and whether or not we should go back." Lisa finished, "I mean, think about it for a moment. The two of us, and who knows whether or not our friends were disconnected as well, just vanish from the plane of existence without a word, quite possibly never to be heard from again."
Timothy nodded. "Uh huh. Go on?"
"If we suddenly return after days pass without us being seen or heard from anywhere, I'm sure that at that point, we'd be considered dead. Of which would mean that your return could not only spur panic, but widespread chaos throughout Equestria, leading to--"
"Twilight." Timothy deadpanned, "You're overthinking things again."
Lisa still overthinks, but now she does so without the fate of an entire civilization hanging in the balance.
And don't overthink either. I don't want you to freak out like all those other times.
*the author proceeds to overthink and freak out over the entire story*
"CITIZENS OF SNOWBUSH." the voice of the heavy-coated man emanated once more throughout the streets, "A mandatory meeting will be held in the City Hall concerning food rations. All attendees will be logged to ensure that nobody receives another's rations."
I poked fun at how all the --what were they called? Societal Management Officers?-- spoke in announcements in the original fiction.
"Ahem." she began, "To those of whom it may concern; our team has come to notice that your city is not, in fact, the only disconnected node. Due to this, we now have split our team across all four nodes, reducing the availability and efficiency of our responses."
Overcomplicating things. I don't remember if the story even mentions the two other towns after this part.
"You," the woman said sternly, pointing a finger at Lisa, "What experience do you have?"
Lisa opened her mouth to reply, and with that, a whole new set of doors were opened to her.
There was a greater world to see out there.
More awkward writing!
"Twilight!" the boy whispered furiously as he yanked on Lisa's sleeve, "The creepy lady wants me to go outside!"
There are so many ways this line could be taken in the wrong way.
That night, as the populace climbed back into their worn, dingy cots, Lisa, along with a handful of other volunteers, were instead treated to a warm suite, complete with full bedding and a fresh set of clothing, the latter of which being a refreshing contrast to the thin cloak composed of hospital gown and sheets that the girl had been wearing for the past days.
Haha, you thought that you'd be treated to 5-star hotel treatment? Nope! Just a change of clothes and an actual bed. The original fiction doesn't even have that, 'cause first of all, the widespread panic upon disconnection means that being able to set all that up would be a nightmare, and second off, if worse comes to worst, you'll be dealing with looters as well.
It'll be alright, she told herself, he's already stayed the night before without me.
I've largely stopped writing thoughts this way.
As for the actual progression of the aforementioned plans... there was practically nothing. Even with volunteers, it was clear that there was still a vast number of open positions. At the moment, the ever-common topic of feeding the disconnected populace had come under discussion. The two other Societal Management Officers besides the girl had been brought in as well, their eyes drooping from a lack of sleep.
Funnily enough, I actually planned to have the original fiction focus on one of those other two officers instead of Lisa at first. It didn't exactly work, so I instead tried directly adapting Pony-Me. That also didn't work, so I stripped away all but the base lore and rewrote everything, characters included, from the ground up.
A single girl now sat alone at a dimly-lit desk, her briefcase now being her only accompaniment. Scattered across the desk were half-read books and sloppily hand-sketched diagrams of various contraptions and equations. Lisa Garnet let out a snore.
Briefcases were gone, and what the heck was she trying to study?
Out of curiosity, she reached for a book. It wasn't anything absurdly long, nor was it too short. She flipped to the first page.
Make a choice.
Wow, it's like this chapter is heavily influencing the title!
The heavy-coated man entered the room, a steaming plate of... stuff in his hands. He stood silently at the girl's side, his eyes scanning over the mess of papers scattered across the desk. Finally, he turned back to the girl, setting the plate on the desk.
I'm glad that instead I wrote Timothy entering the room instead in the original fiction.
Timothy opened the door to the room, accompanied by Andrew. The man had volunteered as a local police officer, given his in-simulation training and experience, and as of now, served as Timothy's escort into and out of City Hall.
...escort?
A smile formed on the girl's lips. "I did." she confirmed as she held up her contract, "And I believe that I'm ready to take my own path."
Wow. That decision came pretty darn early into the story. The most recent chapter I was working on in the original fiction just featured Lisa having an absolute meltdown over what path she'd choose.
Another hand raised in the room, this time from another girl that appeared to be several years younger than Lisa.
Fun fact: this was originally supposed to be Zoey, who I planned to write as the protagonist of the original fiction and carry on the tradition I've had of recycling one of my oldest continually-used OCs. Guess what didn't happen?
The girl waited quietly, briefcase in hand
Later on in the story, I'd completely forget that she had the briefcase at all, and would freak out over trying to patch up a plothole that seemingly nobody noticed anyway.
Lisa lay her head on the frigid glass window with a heavy sigh. The bus was silent, save for the low rumble of tires on cobblestone. There were no engine noises save for a light whine every now and then-- it was electric, as the driver had told her.
In the original fiction, this is Argall's personal minibus!
Also, careful there Lisa, laying your head on the glass definitely isn't going to foreshadow anything...
Lisa stared nervously at the door. To her surprise, it had already become much harder to remember her friends names. There was Rainbow, of course. The pegasus was quite memorable simply from her mane colors. There was also Rarity, Flutter...shy? The apple mare she couldn't quite remember anymore. Ponk...Pink...cake?
Pink Ponk Cake!
"Howdy howdy. Y'all." The orange one greeted, "Apples."
I had fun with this line.
“Hey!” The girl’s voice suddenly echoed, “I know you’re still there, glitch!”
A distant, bubbly laughter slowly filled the area, pinging in throbs through Samantha’s head. Abruptly, a bright, pink light flashed into existence before her, still chuckling as if mocking the girl. At once, the laughter silenced, the blip of light dimming as it drew closer. “I…” It floated closer to the girl—now sitting on the nowhere in particular, “I’m sorry that this had to happen to you, Samantha. I could maybe let you—”
Unlike in Pony-Me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Samantha or her counterpart in the original fiction. Heck, her entire backstory was rewritten, in fact. In that story, she's only a part-timer in the simulations, and still keeps every memory.
Still kept a bit of Pinkie Pie in her though. She pulled a megaphone out of the hammerspace in one scene and it actually works out quite well.
Samantha shuddered, curling tightly on her cot. A gentle light filtered through the filthy window, the room filled with nothing but the low hum of machinery. Abruptly, the girl gasped awake, a characteristic grin spreading across her face.
"Twilight Sparkle..."
I was thinking at the time of possibly writing Samantha going full Pinkamena mode the entire time.
Also, with Samantha only being in the simulations part of the time instead of for several years on end, guess who the role of split personalities falls to instead?
Timothy paused for a moment to think, before turning his eyes back to meet with Lisa's. "Here." he began, pulling the girl in for a hug, "When I was little and had nightmares, you always let me sleep with you in your bed. It's only fair if I help you the same way."
Good sibling relationships are good.
It was almost as if both cities had been built to the same design.
That's cause the are.
"TWIIIIILIIIIIGHT SPAAAAAARKLE!" a voice cheered loudly over the hustle and bustle of the other citizens, "I'D RECOGNIZE BOOK HORSE ANYWHERE!"
I wonder who that is?
"Here's a shovel and ten seed packets, sir." Lisa said with a tired smile, handing the items to a moustached man, "Your group is just behind the storeroom on the fields."
And then they all reconnected and the crops died out. Yeesh, another abandoned plot thread resulting from me overthinking the story. The original fiction is instead handing out rations.
Lisa frowned again. Pinkamena seemed to be resurfacing in her friend again. "Pinkie." she stated calmly, gripping the girl's hand tighter, "Just tell me what is wrong, and I'm sure we can figure it out."
Once again, the dynamic here ends up flipping in the original fiction. With Samantha still remembering everything, she ends up being the one concerned about Lisa instead, holding back whenever she can on talking about the past to avoid bringing up any scarring memories in Lisa.
"Pinkie, sto--" Lisa began, bringing a hand to her friend's shoulder, before being swat away.
"What-- Pinkie?!" The girl shouted again, this time in agitation, "That glitch got away?!"
This was supposed to escalate to what would've amounted to full-scale mental warfare between Pinkie and Samantha.
"No..." Twilight Sparkle whispered, opening her eyes to yet again find herself in the dreamscape of her mind, "No, no, no, no, no." she whispered frantically to herself, "Please no, not again... not another one, please!"
Oh yes, another one. It ain't gonna be the last, either.
Today was the day she'd learn the truth about her friend.
But what if... she didn't?
Breakfast was soon served, a delightful aroma of Timothy's self-named "Crustcakes" stacking high on a central platter, accompanied with dried fruits and rehydrated juice rations shipped recently into the city of Mountain View. Timothy raised a foggy glass of orange juice for a toast.
Crusty.
as the two other Societal Management Officers-- Chad, and the other girl, took part in the toast.
Wow. I forgot that Chad even existed as a character. Can we get an F in the comments for Chad the forgotten OC? I suppose one for the girl who'd never get a proper name before reconnecting as well.
"I... I don't know." Pinkie abruptly replied with a solemn voice, turning her back towards Lisa. "Just... I don't want to talk about it right now."
"Pinkie, wait!" Lisa called as the strange girl took off running. "I just want to know..."
This dynamic would go both ways in the original fiction.
"Don't play dumb, book horse." Samantha scowled as she lowered her finger. "Don't think for even a second that I don't know about Pinkie."
When you straight-up use "book horse" as a slur against Twilight Sparkle.
"Don't you remember me, Lisa?"
Don't you understand? She doesn't remember anyone!
Samantha grinned. "And here comes the good part. It turns out that as part of the government program's benefits for co-developers and early testers, we were allowed to jointly create our own characters for ourselves if we wanted to join the simulations later on. At the time, I had already skyrocketed to the top of our individual project as a lead developer for the AIs. Though, as always, there were a few... mistakes." The strange girl glanced towards the open door, before turning back to Lisa. "You helped quite a bit in creating the world, history, and overall lore of our simulation. The leaders, the people... er, ponies, so on. When I was working on Celestia's original code, I misplaced a function without noticing and accidentally granted the AI a sort of superuser status. Before I had realized what was happening, I already deployed the AI into the simulations. What was most foolish out of that fiasco was that I realized far too late that we hadn't ever created any backups. Though with the damage being dealt, I could no longer contain what I had come to call Discord, so I put as much effort as I could into sealing him away. It appeared to work at first, but from what I remember seeing before I connected myself to the simulation, the AI had taken on a more tranquil state, and didn't appear to be causing any more harm."
Exposition dump! I haven't even gotten close to talking about any of this in the original fiction. None of the lore revealed here even carries over to it according to what I've got planned.
Lisa sighed with a slight nod. "Okay then. What else did you do afterwards?"
"I then-argh!" Samantha yelled, clutching her head as she fell limp onto the bed, unmoving save for a rapid succession of deep breaths.
"Samantha!" Lisa cried out, taking hold of her friend's hand, "Wha--"
"...Twilight?" Samantha groaned, squeezing the girl's hand, "What happened? Where am I?"
Samantha's mood swings in the original fiction are instead explained by a surprisingly good skill in acting.
Oh hey, next chapter's a guest chapter.
Let's roast that as well, shall we?
“Yeah.” The other boy cut off, “Tame Wanderer at your service.” Timothy chuckled as the boy awkwardly performed a mock bow. With the act complete, Tame Wanderer turned back towards Timothy. “Now then. What’s your name?”
Yum, keeping a pony OC name in a world where the names are clearly plain ol' people names. Though, I suppose it'd be alright to stick to that if a human name was never brought up in the first place. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
A particularly determined teen engaged in an arm-wrestling match. His eyes widened with awe as she handily defeated each and every opponent that dared to face her.
This would place Applejack at nearly a full decade younger than Lisa if this showed up in the original fiction.
Next one's another guest chapter. Heck, did I really push that hard for guest chapters? Was I really looking for content to publish that badly back then?
“Minty Clear.”
“Your real name.”
...Minty Clear.
“Thanks,” Lisa said, turning to head back. She tried to push the turmoil of thoughts within her back down, and focus on the here and now, but it wasn’t as easy as it had been before. Even when she tried to focus on making a checklist of what things she needed to do that day, the question bubbled up again:
Will I stay here, or go back to Equestria?
Ah yes, the eternal question of the story.
Samantha gasped, backing away from her friend. "You... you know?" She stuttered, reaching an arm towards the doorknob, "Why... how could you?!"
"Wait!" Lisa cried as the strange girl once again disappeared with the slam of a door. "What did I do?"
E V E R Y T H I N G
"C'mon, girly." Chad's gruff voice cut through the air as he turned towards the younger girl beside him. "You can carry another bag, can't ya?"
The girl shook her head, her arms straining already to lift the two bags of flour she was carrying.
Chad stared at the girl for another moment, before grabbing two bags of his own from the rations truck. "Alrighty then." He continued, "Let's get these things back to the storehouse."
Pony-Me's got neat little scenes like this every now and then focusing on the other volunteers, but that breaks the story flow quite a bit. The original fiction just leaves them behind in the dust, metaphorically.
I've been feeling more and more disconnected from my friends than I've ever been before."
Wow, it's like the story was meant to be that way!
"I..." Lisa paused, staring blankly into the distance. "I have to go back, don't I?"
Nope.
Twilight stood on a plane of blank, squinting as she shielded herself with a wing from the absurdly bright light that came from all around. Absolutely nothing occurred. Absolutely nothing appeared. It was all empty, a world devoid of everything but light. Yet, at the same time, the buzzing noise from before had since returned, blasting to a monstrous roar, and sounding straight through the mare's bones and ricocheting through her skull. Between the blinding brightness of her surroundings and the deafening noise from all around, it took nearly all of the mare's strength to simply stand.
*Galeem noises*
Suddenly, with a rush of colors and sensations, the illusion dematerialized, fading away within seconds as light once again filled Twilight's eyes. Not from the blank canvas of nothingness, but from a scene; an experience. Shortly after, she noticed that she was once again human. Though, her surroundings felt almost entirely alien to her. Almost. The jingle of bells caught her ears.
Look, it's Starswirl Professor Argall!
Human-Simulator 2: Electric Scootaloo.
Meh favorit gaem.
...The...Sims...25...Equestria?
Time to play "count the microtransactions" with EA! How many did you count? ∞? That's right on point!
"Welcome to the hubworld of Equestron." A robotic voice echoed throughout the nearly-empty room, "User xXxTw1br1t3-SperklzxXx, please exit the simulation designated Humans of the Future in a safe and orderly manner. We hope to see you again soon."
Where's Gamer Luna when you need her?
"Blerghlysh." Craegsmuth gurgled, its majestic space-noodles flowing in the wind of the great Planet Ketchup, tearing the large slice of bread from its face.
At this point, reality has stopped responding. As did the logical functions of all of those who read and/or write this chapter.
What If started bleeding into the story here.
And watch out for the first of the three possible endings to this story, too.
Hoo boy, yeeaaaaah... not doing that ever again.
"Um..." The professor began, his smile fading as his eyes shrunk to pinpricks, "...hi? I'm Yazhu Argall, or Professor Argall, as you all currently know me as." His gaze wandered over the crowd, settling upon Lisa and Timothy as his smile returned.
And then his first name is never used ever again in the story.
Professor Argall paused, shooting a friendly glance towards Lisa. "What we didn't expect, however," He continued as he turned back to the larger audience, "was for our project to develop into an international collaboration to bring together the most aspiring of students. On top of that, we certainly didn't expect for those very same students to play a leading role in the creation of the very simulations that we now enjoy."
Argall is a hecuva lot more awkward in his speaking in the original fiction, and that's done on purpose.
"...Starswirl." The professor mumbled, "Starswirl the Bearded, wasn't it? You based the guy's look off of the fact that I decided to wear my wizard Halloween costume over Christmas break because it looked like Santa's suit."
I was going to turn Starswirl into a weird uncle before I ultimately yeeted the idea out of the original fiction entirely.
"What I mean is," Lisa continued, "not everybody is in a simulation. Apparently, most people still live outside of them."
Ya think?
"Oh, me? I'm fine." The Professor quickly dismissed, shaking his head with a cocky grin. "I gotta watch my calories. My parents always told me to grow up, not sideways... Though, by all means, those pancakes you got there sure look tasty. Perhaps one or two should serve me fine."
I'm gonna keep this joke in the story once the original fiction gets there.
Professor Argall shook his head. "Lisa, wasn't this what you wanted?" He began, "What about your friends back in the simulations? What about everyone you've left behind?" He paused for a moment, staring down to his phone's screen. "You've made an amazing, beautiful world for everyone, Lisa. You deserve to experience it with the ones you love."
Professor Argall is taking this surprisingly well. I think this might've been before I decided on Argall being Lisa's adoptive father, so he didn't have any reason to protest against her reconnecting.
"As one of the founding members of what eventually became the network of Virtual-Realities that you call 'The Simulations', I have access to pretty much any part of the infrastructure including the very systems that run the simulations themselves." He smiled softly at the girl. "All I need is the permission of the lead developers of a simulated reality; That is, either your permission or Samantha's, and I would the be able to code in the exit code to let you connect and disconnect as you please."
I would the be able to
heck.
Chad. The girl recalled, watching the short hair of the man shift over the seat. And that other girl... did I ever even ask for her name?
Nope.
Twilight nodded slowly as Pinkie slid back into the drawer, reappearing moments later behind her friends. "Um..." Twilight began, mentally scrambling to scrape together a story, "Well, for starters, Pinkie and I crossed over through the mirror portal early in the morning so that we wouldn't disturb anypony... And then, uh, we met up with Sunset in front of the mirror portal's exit on her side of the portal, and--"
"Y'know, sugarcube, y'don't have ta make up a story." Applejack deadpanned.
Twilight grinned awkwardly, shrinking back behind her desk. "You... you saw through that, didn't you?"
The earth pony nodded. "Clear as glass, Twi. You're not exactly top-notch at lyin', especially when you're panicked."
🤔
"Lisa, I don't know how much longer I can keep up the act. You remember how I barely passed my theater class, don't you?"
That definitely changed in the original fiction.
And when she looked hard enough, she could barely, just barely, see the pixels of the headset's display.
You could reasonably start a pseudo-creepypasta on this line.
"Or, perhaps," Lisa countered with a chuckle, "He's just going to spend the entire time I'm missing with Rarity. I'm sure we all know what he has going for that mare."
Professor Argall raised a hand. "Girls," He flatly stated, "Do I have any part in this conversation?"
Lisa and Samantha simultaneously shook their heads.
Argall is just as irrelevant to conversations as I am!
"You stole my body from me!" The girl pointed an accusing finger at the mare. "All this time, I just wanted my freedom. I just wanted to live my life, Glitch. But you never let me."
"I don't let you because you're always such a meanie to everyone!"
Samantha's "bully" persona is just straight-up gone in the original fiction.
Pinkie's mane began to fade to a dull pink. "Does that mean I can't go back either?"
Samantha nodded slowly. "I'm sorry, Pinkie." She whispered, "It's for the best."
Oof.
"Yes, yes, explore the world, Lisa." Argall grinned, "So many years later, and you're still as peppy as ever." He pulled a bell-strung keychain from a pocket. "As for where we're going, we're heading far away from this place."
I don't remember writing the keychain part. Also, insert Magic School Bus theme song here.
The Professor nodded, eyeing the heavy bundle for a moment before turning to Lisa. "Say, what happened to that briefcase of yours that they gave you? I never saw you with it when we met back in Mountain View."
Lisa's eyes widened with panic, the girl whirling around to stare out the window as the last silhouettes of Mountain View faded into obscurity. "I..." She stuttered, "I honestly forgot that I even had it. I must've left it somewhere in my room, or even on the bus that brought me there." The girl turned back to Argall. "Professor, do you think we should-"
I forgot she had it too.
"Oh?" Samantha chimed in, "So we're going to our old TechSIG branch?"
That company name is still weird. I've been trying to come up with a replacement for quite some time now, and the best I've got is HybridAI (pronounced "HybridEye") technologies.
As per requested through the poll
...why is the poll a picture of a Target supermarket?
"Y'know, if I were still a police officer, I could've cited you right then and there for distracted driving."
"Ha." The Professor snorted, "Says the guy who's hitchhiking."
Ooooooooooooooh
A much more Pinkie-esque expression suddenly flooded across Samantha's face. "Ooh!" The strange girl cheered, rushing towards the animal. "It's like a pony, but it's bigger! I betcha that it's taller than Celestia herself! Twilight--" Samantha paused, blinking for a few moments. "Erm... Lisa," She continued, "What I was saying is, our characters are tiny compared to real-life horses."
Horse.
Timothy Carter's steps slowed to a stop, a frown materializing on his face as the boy realized his predicament.
Yeah, partway through the story I realized it was a bad idea to abandon Timothy and stick with Andrew, and flipped the script to have Andrew go back instead later on.
The man nodded, straightening back out with a sickening crack from his spine. "Yes, I remember Lisa." He began, walking off onto the streets, "She's a smart one, I'll give her that. She's Argall's kid, ain't she?"
Foreshadowing!
"It feels like home." The girl whispered, taking another step on the dusty cobblestones. "But I know it isn't real."
Twilight hung her head low. "I know," She replied, "But it's the best I can do. Nothing can compare to the actual experience."
"No, no." Lisa shook her head. "I mean this place. Your home, you. It isn't real."
Hmm... it's almost like they're beginning to split...
"Gosh dangit."
This story takes place after I ultimately decided that I didn't like swearing in stories, period.
Bump. 17. Lisa counted, rubbing the sore spot on her head from hitting the window.
Then don't put your head on the window!
The girl spun around, her finger pointed directly in Twilight's face. "You!" Lisa said, "I'm pretty sure the simulation's malfunctioning. You should've merged with me a long time ago."
"Simulation? Malfunctioning?" Twilight shook her head. "Lisa. We've been out of the simulation for over a week now. Are you alright?"
Heh. A week? Man, I'm just about to wrap up the part where they went to the second "city" and helped out a bit in the original fiction and it's only been like 3 or 4 days canonically in there.
Just above the horizon, a brilliant skyline had emerged, its buildings shimmering in the Autumn sun.
hmmmmmmmm
Samantha smiled, gazing towards the distant skyline. "Alpine Hills. The city we grew up in." She looked back to her friend. "Don't you remember?"
Funny thing is that this name is based somewhat on the city just a bit to the east of the city I grew up in. Outside of traveling through it, I've got 0 association with that place.
Lisa sighed, staring out the window as usual while Andrew and Argall carried on with conversation. A few words, however, strangely stood out to her.
"...Head-on collision..."
"...Some drunkard..."
"...Couldn't stop in time..."
"...It was a horrible wreck." Andrew finished, folding his arms as he leaned back in his seat. "There were pieces of both vehicles littered all over the road..."
Okay, that's just making it obvious.
"Two dead... two in critical condition... Garnet family..." The Professor mumbled in a daze, leaning closer to the windshield. The wail of a siren grew louder as a firetruck rumbled past to the left of the vehicle.
"Professor Argall!" Samantha shouted, "Snap out of it!"
Someone's getting flashbacks.
"Mom!" She heard herself scream again, her younger self sweating from both the heat of the spreading flames and the adrenaline rush. "Mom! Are you okay?!"
No response, save for the crackle of flames.
Uh-oh.
"Definitely seemed like a doozy to me." Argall commented from the front, "Samantha, how 'bout you let her recover a bit before you shake her up even more?"
And Argall's perfectly fine with this?
"Where you lived." Professor Argall corrected the girl. "Before I retired, I tended to spend more time working than I did at home." He took a sip of water. "Anyways, go ahead and take a look around. I've tried to keep things tidy around here, even if I was the only one in the house after you joined the simulation."
Heh. Guess whose childhood home this place is based on?
It looks so much like my library... Twilight's voice echoed through Lisa's mind. Sure, it's quite a bit smaller, but there's books, and they're organized, and-
My bedroom. Lisa's own thoughts overshadowed the mare's rambling. My...
The girl turned, her eyes flitting across the spines of the books covering the shelf. A select few stood out to her.
The Advanced Virtual Reality Programmer's Handbook
A Guide to Scripted Artificial Intelligence
Brain-Computer Interfacing
One final book sat at the edge of the topmost shelf, covered in a heavy layer dust as opposed to the pristine tomes that neighbored it.
Lisa's Diary - DO NOT READ!
I was considering plopping a few MLP DVDs up there on the shelf too.
POST-PUBLISHING CORRECTION: Timothy, according to this chapter, was "barely old enough to begin school" when he supposedly asked to join Lisa in the simulation. In reality, he was already roughly in 6th grade by that point, well beyond "barely old enough" for school.
I need my :thonk: emoji from my Discord server.
Lisa nodded, reaching for the noodles in her bowl.
Noodles.
"A blank page?" Lisa raised a brow, staring at the unfilled space following the entry. She flipped to the next page.
August 5
I just barely got out of the hospital. Mom and dad are... they're gone. The doctor told me that a bad man hit us with his car when we were driving, and that he'll be in jail for a long time. Dad's friend said that he's going to take care of me and my little brother until we're grownups, but-
The girl's eyes widened as the entry cut off, instead becoming a mess of dried tearstains running to the bottom of the page. Lisa's gaze turned to the following page.
Let's get a big RIP for Lisa's parents here.
"Seems." Twilight asserted, a hint of irritation seeping into her disembodied voice. "You can't say that she is for sure. You might not remember right now, but she... she knows things.
( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )
ERROR. Twilight's voice screamed through Lisa's mind, WAKE UP. NEED. HELP.
Lisa groaned, rubbing her eyes as she turned to the side.
"LISA." Twilight screamed again, this time out loud. "HELP. SO--THING...'S. WRONG."
This time, the girl jerked awake, her hand flying up to cover her mouth.
"CA-N...'T E...RR--" Twilight's muffled voice continued.
I don't plan on including this at all in the original fiction. This plot thread ended up with me making an AU of my AU in Pony-Me: Rogue.
"I..." Lisa murmured, "I was arguing with Twilight last night, and threw my diary. I remembered hearing it knock something down, and from there I just forgot about it until now. I didn't even realize that it was my old phone."
I really, really wanted to write that it was a Nokia brick, so I did in Outtakes.
Timothy wandered up behind Samantha, his eyes trembling as they turned to Lisa. "...Twilight?" he stammered, "You're okay now, aren't you? Pin... Samantha fixed you. I watched her do it after you fainted again."
Lisa frowned, a brow raised as she sat up in her bed. "Tim," she began, "Who the heck are you talking to? Who's Twilight?"
Can we get an o no?
"Tim." Samantha began, "It's okay. She's still your big sister, isn't she? She'll be fine."
The boy sniffed, nodding. Samantha turned back to her friend. "Lisa," she said slowly, "what's the last thing you remember?"
"I... I was talking to someone." Lisa mumbled, fidgeting with her bedsheets under her. "I think they wanted me to read my diary?"
Yes, go on, this recap of the previous few chapters definitely won't get repetitive.
"Oh, that?" Samantha gasped, "Shortly after you first connected, I modified the framework to regenerate missing users' characters after a certain amount of time using the usual script-based AI, in case if something happened to them in real life." She paused, receiving a slow nod from her friend. "...Y'know, to keep things feeling immersive for everyone else."
Lisa snorted. "Well," she began slowly, "that's gonna be an issue."
"... Oh."
This is mentioned far earlier in the original fiction.
"Careful not to mess with the AI itself," Samantha cautioned, watching as Lisa combed through the seemingly endless list of files. "We don't want another Celestia fiasco on our hands like that other girl."
FiO reference. Removed entirely on account of FiO not applying to original fiction.
The limp body of the first Twilight burst into a brilliant glow of colors, startling the other mare.
"I... what- what?!" the second Twilight sputtered, her eyes widening as the first began to seemingly gravitate towards her.
"Stay away!" the second yelled, lighting her horn.
The first Twilight's hooves dragged along the spotless white floor, her stoic demeanor unchanging as she drew closer.
"I said stay away!" the second yelled again, taking a step back.
The first Twilight froze in place, her limbs dangling underneath her. Strangely, her eyes remained open; though in all aspects she appeared lifeless, her gaze continued to focus on her clone, as if there was a longing of some sort within her.
Her memories, the second Twilight gasped, staring at the first. I took them, didn't I?
She didn't have time to react as the first Twilight flung herself directly at her.
When you feel like writing creepypasta but all you've got is a scifi MLP fanfic
The boot screen faded away, replaced by a cheery background photo of cats and yarn. With a stifled yawn, Samantha clicked on her emails application.
More company newsletters... cat facts daily... video notifications... the girl read to herself, scrolling through the day's messages, Oh? What's this?
It appears that Samantha has subscribed to Cat Facts Daily. Will she continue her subscription or continue her subscription?
Hi.
Hey, Lisa. It's definitely been a while since we've talked through this thing, eh?
(Not gonna bother adding the colors here.) Neat, it's the return of colored text, and it's actually readable!
The girl stuck out her tongue, making a face. "Duh, I still go to school!" she argued, "I can only work at the company anyway because my dad's practically running it!"
She paused for a moment to finish her hot cocoa.
"And my name's Zoey, by the way."
There's the recycled OC we know and love!
"What is it, Twilight?"
"I don't think we're real, Pinkie."
Hm, it's almost like they're TV show characters!
"So," he began cooly, "was retirement too boring for you, Samantha?"
Once again returning to the potential idea for a villain figure. Never went through with it.
"Twilight?"
"Yes?"
"She just told me everything."
Oh yeah, Pinkie's got double ponks in her head!
"Profits. Aren't. Everything." Samantha growled through her teeth, "The company needs to diversify at some point. Heck, it's in the name. TechSIG, Technological Special-Interest-Group. We aren't going to last very long if we put everything behind a single product."
And that explanation makes the name even more weird!
"Oh, uh," Samantha cut in, "We already ran into her earlier, at the café downtown. She likes hot cocoa, doesn't she?"
"Yeah. Been that way since she was a toddler, too," Roger added, "Gives her nasty nosebleeds, though. Now, any questions concerning the tour or the company operations?"
Given how Zoey has a history of being somewhat based on myself, you can bet on the fact that I also sometimes get nosebleeds if I have too much chocolate.
The room went silent as the girl slipped the headset over her eyes.
IT BEGINS... again.
Also, holy heck are these chapters getting long. I kinda see why I was told with my original fiction to try and keep things under 2500 words at most per chapter.
"So," Samantha mused quietly with a smile, watching her friend finally enjoy herself, "You've finally let go, haven't you?"
Who knows?
Lisa stopped at a desk, staring at its barren surface.
"Lisa, come on," Samantha urged, tugging at her friend's arm, "Some people who work here just like their desks clean, that's all. I want to go home, and your little brother looks like he's gonna start tripping over himself if he doesn't get some more rest."
"Fine, I'm coming..." Lisa mumbled as she turned away, "...though, I'm starting to feel like something's... missing."
I forgot what's missing too.
The Professor's frown softened. "No," he replied simply, "What I meant was that after spending so much time building yourself and befriending others within the simulation, wouldn't it be rude to simply enter to say goodbye? Why not do something memorable with the friends you left behind? There's even a chance that you may someday meet them in real life!"
And then it's revealed that pretty much none of the rest are real. <- not sure if that was actually revealed or not so spoilers!
And then I decided to not try and do character designs beyond this.
Also, props to GMBlackjack for pointing out that the story was dragging on for just too gosh-darn long with too much filler material and unfinished plot threads. Hopefully much of that is fixed with the original fiction.
"Holy crap," she grumbled, staring over the railing at the bottom steps, "Were those stairs always so high? My running speed definitely should've been able to clear a flight of stairs faster..."
*insert Kung-Fu Panda quote here*
April fools... again?
Yup. Again.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP...
BEEP
"What do they want from mah family and friends with tiny alligator tentacles?!" she cried, "what experience do I even have with the door hinges?!"
All of the experience.
The universe imploded with a huge explosion of buttsharks and pebbles. There was little to be found of the remains of the world. Also, Flurry Heart was gurgling about the sudden layout change of the potato wars of equestria. Obviously, it was twice as tall as she was and legend still tells to this day of the ponies that had little jars of honey butter coated wingtips.
Hecc.
"Promise me this, Lisa," Samantha continued, "Promise me that you'll stop dwelling on the past, whether it be your childhood, your upbringing, or this. Live in the moment, and anticipate the future. Promise that you'll believe in yourself, no matter what the circumstances may be. Promise me that you will not let anything bring you down because you'll know that in the end, you'll still have friends. You've still got family. And you've got your whole future waiting for you."
Hmm...
"I promise," Lisa whispered, a hint of a smile beginning to return, "Now, let's go meet Celestia."
You promise, but... will you really?
I am the change, the girl smiled, falling away from the window onto her bed. I was part of this, and so was Argall. My parents, too... we were all part of the change.
*happy noises*
"To leave Equestria. For good, this time."
"Why do you wish to leave, my dear Twilight?"
"I'm starting to get pretty close to my thirties, Celestia. I came to Equestria in my late teens, and spent a decade recovering from... well, everything. I genuinely feel better now, and I believe that it's finally time for me to find my place in the world."
And finally I clear up Lisa's canon age a bit better!
"Now you answer. Only took some five or six calls, y'know?" Argall's voice grumbled
>Me with any call ever
'Guesswhatwe'regonnabringbacktheoldthingthatmeandSamanthausedtodothatledtousdoingallthisstuffand--'
Slow down there.
A brief knocking came at the castle doors. Hurriedly, Spike rushed down the stairs and through the hallway, opening the heavy doors just enough to catch a glimpse of who had knocked.
Lisa waved, a friendly smile on her face.
"Hi, Spike. Is Twilight open to any visitors right now?"
The end.
I won't comment much on the actual creation of the story itself, given how many times I've already done so in the past.
For once, I'm not going to read this because I still haven't gotten around to finishing the story, and I would like to stay spoiler free
5153931
ok
5153932
:P