Techie's SPICY Smokin' Toasted Self-Roasted Reviews #28: [The Incredibly Stupidly Weird Story About 15 Random OCs]! · 4:58am Nov 2nd, 2019
75-follower special time!
This is pretty much the kind of story that What If morphs into every so often.
A trio of fillies watched overhead from atop a cliff. Said cliff would eventually become the base of operations for a top secret facility known as "B.U.T.T.S.", or "Bureau of Unbelievably Tame Time Steppers".
Butt jokes ha ha fun-ny fun-ny
Suddenly, a giant meteorite landed on top of the Mane Six, and because this is an E-Rated trollfic, it just so happened to have a hollowed inside, allowing for the mares (and dragon) to simply be eternally trapped, instead of meeting their demise in an untimely fashion of being smothered by red-hot rock.
Twilight yawned. "Girls?" She asked, "How about we all take a nap now. After all, it's dark out."
"Um, Twilight?" Spike replied, "It's not dark out. There's an asteroid that inconveniently trapped all of us in your castle."
"Nonsense!" Rarity shouted from her couch in a very un-ladylike manner, "We must get our beauty sleep!"
Spike grumbled about being the only logical character in a poorly written fanfic as he crawled into a random pile of blankets that just happened to be in a convenient location.
Ah, so this story contains Spikeabuse! Nice, nice, carry on.
"Y'know that Gummy gator thing that Pinkie Pie has?"
"Yeah?"
"His cousin's here, and he's... Godzilla."
"Wat."
"Exactly."
Neat. Kthxbye
Fifteen ponies and a magic toaster gathered in the half-burnt wooden shed. Though, it was more like they were crammed into the space of an average kitchen counter, 'cause said wooden shed was originally a doghouse.
"And thus, the meeting has begun!" the toaster announced.
"Who invited the toaster?"
The toaster sighed, facepalming it's crudely-drawn sharpie face with a slice of bread. "You all did. After all, am I not the cousin of the famed Derpy Hooves?"
Wrong "its" there. Also, a reference to a certain little blip of insanity on Youtube.
"To put it simply," the kitchen appliance began, "I was once one of the only pegasi in existence with the ability to cast spells. I was so powerful, in fact, that I had been next in line for the throne, if Celestia was to ever fall. Obviously, I was kept a secret, for such a powerful mage would surely be targeted by fiends."
"...And?"
"And one day, I stumbled across a filly named Mirror Smash," the toaster continued, glaring at the mare with an unmoving eye of sharpie ink, "and that filly decided one day to make toast using my magically enchanted toaster."
"I SAID I WAS SORRY!" Mirror Smash wailed, "I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THE TOASTER WAS LINKED TO A MORPHING SPELL!"
MLP: Toasters are magic
"I AM ROOT!"
"Yes, Root. You may calm down. Good timber pony."
I AM GROOT
"What's wrong, Root?" Toaster asked as Root continued his sorry shuffle.
"Am... am I Root?" Root replied.
Rearranging a few words can have a heckuva lotta impact.
"HEY, WHO'RE YA CALLIN' POORLY WRITTEN?!" Yelled Hops Mash from far behind the fourth wall, "COME AT ME, BIOTCH!"
I had fun writing this line.
Dark Lightning Easy Breeze swooped across the plain, whooping as the rest of his collective personas screamed in panic at the sensation of flight. Well, except for Hard Time. That personality's always wishing for the destruction of ponykind. But ignore that last bit. He isn't worth talking about right now.
But would they still be screaming if they were strapped to a rocket and launched at the moon?
"HEY, SOMEPONY GIMME A TIME MACHINE BEFORE I CRUSH YOUR SKULLS!" Yelled Hard Time.
"NO!" Shouted Dark Lightning to himself, er... one of his mental images of himself.
"YESSSSSSSSSS!" Hard Time hissed back, causing Wavering Cold to internally shriek.
"ROOT!" Root shouted, sticking his head up in front of the pony conglomeration.
And then a Time Machine appeared out of nowhere, 'cause with how little logic there is left in this story, why not just get rid of the rest?
Hard Time rubbed his hooves together evilly, and went inside. Ten seconds later, he waltzed back out, complete with a bloody knife and the distinct smell of panicking griffon wafting from his body.
There goes the neighborhood. (Or at the very least, Carrion the undead griffon.)
"OWWWWWWWWWWW!" Diamond Tiara wailed, "STUPID BRICK!" She promptly kicked the brick, but missed and instead left an even larger hole in the bathroom wall of the bar.
Neat, DT just did a property damage.
"MMmmmm... flesh."
"GAH!"
Carrion whipped around to find an absurdly large zebrican pegasus licking Carrion's paw.
🤔🤔🤔
"Yeah!" Scootaloo shouted from even higher up, "At least I can fly now with these huge wings!"
Carrion, after getting his beak unstuck from Applebloom's hoof, looked up to see the source of the voice and absurdly strong wind.
And spotted a tiny pegasus filly with wings the size of supermarkets.
With the finale now behind us and a glimpse of the adult CMC at the very end, all I've got to say is RIP any chance for Scootaloo to fly.
"Hey, hey" Steele Casemate began, elbowing Dark Lightning in the ribs as he continued mentally competing for dominance over his body, "Did you know that I'm Princess Luna's daughter?"
Dark Lightning rolled his eyes in annoyance.
"Shut up," Iron Cider yapped in return, grabbing control over the body.
"HEY!" Dark Lightning suddenly yelled just before falling off the stool, "This is my body!"
"Heh. Yeah, right." Easy Breeze snarked in return as their collective body crumpled onto the floor, "It's not like as if I'm the one that has the best control over this body, anyways. Get it? CONTROL?!"
"Um... would all of you please quiet down?" Wavering Cold asked from the back of their mind, "Pencil Shavings and I don't really like the volume that you're all shouting at."
Steele Casemate stared at the convulsing body of Dark Lightning talking to himself on the floor.
There is a lot going on in this scene.
"FUC--"
"NO SWEARS! GIMME THAT LOLLIPOP!"
There's Pinkie!
"What?" Root finally asked through a voice synthesizer, "Tell us, O Great warrior of steel and heating elements. Tell us your ways, your ideas... our souls strive for only the greatest."
Ignoring the surprisingly intelligent speech, the crowd did nothing but grumble even more.
Finally, the toaster yelled, "A PAIR OF PRETTILY PEELED PEARS POUNCED ON PIPSQUEAK'S PLUMP POD OF PUCKS!"
Hecc
"But why?"
"Idunno, ask Hard Time. He's the one with the time machine."
Root recoiled in shock. "MY TIME MACHINE?!" He shouted in surprise, "HOW DID HE GET HIS HOOVES ON IT?!"
Though, his voicebox device kinda... broke moments prior, so instead, it came out as "MY TIOOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT?!"
ROOT
And then the universe imploded on itself, at the same time exploding as well, sending toenails worth of kittenballs flying in every not-direction. Root barked happily as he began to bury the bones of his enemies, Alcea became a Ninja Turtle riding Ghast, Derpy's cousin turned back into himself, and Carrion and Mirror Smash fused into a single being, bent on the ultimate takeover of Discord's nose-hairs. Also, Hops Mash proceeded to throw up rainbow potatoes into a pocket universe.
A decent way to implode a universe while exploding it, if I do say so myself.
