Obsessions: A Glimpse Inside My Mind · 7:00am Sep 30th, 2019
Hey guys.
So, I'll just be to the point here: I try and be pretty open with my mental health issues because I want anybody who is struggling with them to feel like they can talk to me and that somebody knows what they're going through and that they aren't alone. But sometimes it's a lot harder to do when you aren't experienced on the subject.
I only found out that I have Pure-O a few days ago. I've dived headfirst into discovering what treatments there are, where I can go for treatment if it came to it, medications I could take, and all of that. But trying to express what's actually in my head all the time is so much scarier. I've had this disorder since childhood and it only now got named. It feels good to know there's a name for this, but it's still really hard to live with.
I have intrusive thoughts all the time. Pretty much all day long. I'll be doing something one minute- say talking to a friend online or watching a show, for example- and then out of nowhere this thought will hit me. Like if I happen to see a fimfic summary that says knife in it, my head instantly goes to an image of myself stabbing somebody I love in the stomach with a knife. And I know I don't want to do that but there's this part of my brain that says but you will. You'll destroy everything you care about because of it. It keeps going and going in worse thoughts like a thought spiral tightening around my chest and throat and trying to choke me, And then suddenly I'm walking around, usually to the backyard, with no memory of when I started walking or how I got there because my mind is so focused on the image behind my eyes. I go out to the backyard and have a smoke, and I blast music in my AirPods and walk around to try and drown out the thoughts.
Sometimes when I get one of those intrusive thoughts, I try and turn it into a fimfic. Or I start writing one to avoid it. This one somewhat fell in both categories. I tried to avoid an image in my head by writing this instead. Somehow it's easier for me to express myself on paper (or electronics, as it were) than to actually use my voice and speak. It's like I need a veil there so nobody sees behind the curtain to who's really sitting there. Most of the time I'm not all that sure who it is.
Sometimes, It's a mom and daughter who loves her family. Sometimes it's a prisoner trying to get out of a trap. Sometimes it's somebody who's dreams are so real she can't tell she's awake. Sometimes it's a good friend. Sometimes it's somebody who's on the verge of losing her mind but never tells anybody because she's afraid of tearing her world apart.
I'm all these things. They don't make sense. So many of these shouldn't be able to coexist together in my brain, but they do. And it makes me nuts. I've already got nineteen voices in there from my schizophrenia, not to mention intrusive thoughts that make me feel insane, and an amount of depression so severe it could take the happiest man on earth down many pegs. I always feel out of my mind half the time. I feel out of my mind and alone. I know there's somebody underneath all that who's happy with her life, who can find joy in things, who can enjoy every moment, who doesn't want to forget every day because it was awful. I'm hopeful, perhaps foolishly, that when I move, I will get to chip away at those other layers of me to bring her out. I've never met her but I'd like to.
We all have our obsessions. Some of them are clinical. Some of them aren't. But we all deal with them differently. Me? I write about them in hopes that somebody will see a piece of themselves in there and say "Would you look at that, somebody gets me!" because that's what I love to feel when I read something. Somebody could look inside my mess of a brain and see something beautiful in it. I hope someone, somewhere could feel that with this fic today.
I wrote this song a while ago when I wrote an old story, and I thought I'd share it here. It has some of my fixations, my obsessions, and my feelings. I hope it resonates with someone.
Get a new book, put it on top of the pile
It has to stay up there for a long while
Or things will fall, fall, fall apart
These images inside my mind are breaking my heart
Want a new book now? Too bad it isn’t time
I have to keep them ordered or else things won’t be fine
I have a schedule to keep
And if I don’t follow it everything will be off this week
I got to get my food at the market
Taking so long when I don’t know what to pick
The shoppers are all glaring, but it’s all inside my head
The pressure is rising and I should have stayed in bed
I run away from the chaos to the order of my home
Where I can finally be left on my own
Counting, memorizing, going outside and smoking
Checking the time three times cause I can’t stand not knowing
Things have to happen a certain way
Or something bad will come for me today
Day in, day out, it’s always the same
I pray the thoughts will go away but it’s always in vain
The thoughts in my head keep growing stronger
And I don’t know if I can take this any longer
Take a pill to try and make it go away
But I know in my heart that it will always stay
These bad obsessions
Are causing my depression
And I can’t stop them on my own
Because this is a battle that I’m fighting all alone
Try not to turn the door knob to make it not creak
And if I do I’ve failed and I am oh so weak
I have to keep things the same and keep to my routine
And when you see me I seem normal but I really want to scream
These poundings in my head I want to make them stop
But I can’t help myself from getting tied up in my thoughts
These bad obsessions
Are causing my depression
And I can’t stop them on my own
Because this is a battle that I’m fighting all alone
Thanks for letting me share, guys.
Love,
Cloe
Nice song! I often have thoughts i try to get out of my Head.
I applaud your bravery in sharing your struggles with us. It takes a lot of strength to put yourself out there. It takes even more to be comfortable in receiving feedback as you never know who will and how they respond.
Personally, I've been a very open book since a major trauma hit me in 2012 that lead into an even bigger one in 2014. I had 'voices' during this time and they were far stronger than those I had in 2007 when I started my big drop into total blindness.
The 'voices' are the toughest part in coping with a mental health situation. You don't want to think such thoughts but they force themselves to the forefront of your mind and come out through numerous 'triggers' in which are a part of your everyday life.
I've found environmental changes 'do' make a positive difference. So, at least for me, having the mindset of looking forward to the better tomorrow and leaving the 'baggage' back where it came from helps a lot.
However, to be honest, it is extremely hard to fully leave it all behind. I've had an onslaught of traumas related to my from-birth eye condition wherein I've been put in some difficult positions as a result of how people fail to try and see things beyond their own viewpoint. I've learned a number of techniques to help with this, along with medications, but it never 100% gets rid of the 'trigger' as, for me, I've been in so many repeat situations of massive trauma that, now, I run when I feel I am getting near having those 'voices' return.
Over time, especially once in a healthier environment, you will be able to build a solid 'tool box' of techniques and medicine to be at peace along with have more control over that which you can genuinely have control of. Outside factors, I've learned, are the ones that make avoiding 'triggers' hard. Especially when it seems these triggers are slowly squeezing you in like gallus was having done to him in "It Lies Beneath".
Something you should take as a 'positive' from your trials and tribulations is how it has inspired your writing. Writing is how I heal and cope with troublesome times in life. You write as if there is no major trauma going on. You also are one of the most solid and enjoyable authors around here for how well you put so much passion into your tales. You show emotion very well.
It may not be the best but you can always take heart that your struggles have made you into the writer you are today. I know mine have and how, like Starlight Glimmer, my writing is amplified based on my emotions.
Keep writing and sharing. It will always serve you well as you work towards that better tomorrow.