Loneliness? Spankings? Other heavy topics that this week has brought up. · 10:06pm Aug 16th, 2019
This week has been so weird. I've been suffering from insomnia the whole Summer and for some reason, this week things clicked after I'd once again been awake for something like 30 hours... and I felt like writing. Then I noticed I'd posted a full fic in just a few hours. And the next day, I felt like something was missing, and continued writing, adding a sequel twice the length of the original. They might not have been super popular or anything, but I feel so fantastic that I got them out, which matters to me most. I don't think I've felt this productive in a while. I just wanted to write a blog to advertise them, and maybe plug a fantastic (though NSFW fic) Galaxia High I've been reading... but bear with me. I want to open up quite a bit, and if you're up to it, continue reading.
Where did all of this come from? I kinda figured it out a while laying awake during the night, staring at the pre-dawn sky of yet another day without feeling even remotely drowzy. I'm goddamn lonely. There, I said it. Ever since I lost my parents two years ago, I've been running on fumes. My only remaining family is my sister and her kids, who have their own busy life. My friends have turned out to be fair weather friends at best, and I really don't feel that I could ever connect with them the way I did with my parents. I'm pretty emotional lately, crying almost daily and stuff. Weird thing: I almost never cry out of sadness, but instead of happiness. I see a cute video of a baby bird? I tear up. I listen to one of the better songs from MLP? I tear up. A lot of similar things. At first I thought I was feeling nostalgic or wistful, but then I realized I had nobody to share those weird emotions and good feels with. Hell, I should be a grown-ass man closing on 40, yet every day I feel more like I was a stupid little kid alone in the world. I would give anything to just chat with my parents, talk about my life, where I'm going with it. Anything really.
The stories I wrote are my shout into the darkness. They are my words written in the memory of better times in my life, when everything was clear, the rules were simple, the goals were set, and I always had someone standing in my corner in both good and bad. I might get praised or punished, but I knew it was all thanks to the love I shared with my family. What I wouldn't give now to have someone who cared enough about me to do those things. The stories I wrote are about me and my hopes, thoughts and emotions, as I've found myself feeling like a lost child in the weird world where I am, in the end, utterly alone. I hope my stories reach someone, that they come and talk with me about them, and to an extent, that has happened. I've met two nice folks on this site over the week that have shared a lot of my thoughts, and hopefully I can share a bit of what I am and what I feel and think with them, as well as do the same for them. I want to write more. I want to be noticed, accepted for who I am and find people who think alike. Finding someone out of the blue that you could actually bond with seems like an impossible task, but these are my first steps towards that. I need to put myself out more, try dating again, join clubs that interest me like writing, martial arts and stuff, hopefully to find him/her/it that I could actually find a real connection with.
If that tirade doesn't tell you how childish and lonely I've felt, I don't know what would. I know these are things that everyone has to deal with and figure out, but I've been trying to do it for two years on my own now. That has to end. I need a new grip on life, get my s#%" back together and stand up again. But it's goddamn hard and it's so scary I feel cold just thinking about it. But writing it up somewhere, even just here, in this blog that only few might read, helps me admit it and dedicate myself to it. It has to be proof for me that something still matters, and things can get better.
It sounds like you've got the right plan, for what it's worth. Keep at it, friend... I'm rooting for you.
Everyone gets lonely sometimes. It takes strength to reach out, but I'm sure you can find someone.
Breathe
One step at a time.
Blessed be
Hello there!
I have to say, you are really good with words. I'm glad that I had a chance to read this post of yours. It is both endearing and inspiring.
I think to truly appreciate our strengths we all have to experience the worst of our weaknesses. It might feel really bad, but you will come out better, brighter and stronger in the end.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever step you'll decide to take. Looking forward to reading more of your stories.
P.S. On a side note, what kind of martial arts are you interested in? I discovered Historical European Martial Arts (HEMA) during my second year of university. I practice with a sword almost daily ever since.
5108060
Thanks for the kind words. I just had to get these thoughts out and have gotten some really good conversations started with my friends. It's turned out to be a good direction and I'm even more motivated now.
I started off with aikido. I didn't know too much about martial arts back then, and today I wish I had found some other one to begin with. I did it for years, then a friend suggested I come do a few judo practices with him, and I soon found my calling. I tried HEMA when it landed here, but it was quite far away so commuting there took way too long so I had to leave it. I've also done iaido and boffer fighting on the side, but for me, grappling's where my heart lies. In total i've been doing various martial arts for a bit over 20 years now.