Existing is kind of nice, really. · 1:56am Aug 3rd, 2019

So i realize that my next blog post was supposed to be about wednesday and my hilarious bronycon hijinx. You'll probably still be getting those, don't worry - I have at least part of it typed out. But, since I'm in a rather emotional mood, I figured that I'd interject with something rather different first.

Note that "emotional" doesn't mean "bad emotional," because it isn't. Quite the contrary.

I don't think it's all that much of a secret to most people that I have a lot of mental health issues, nor is it a secret that I am - by and large - a pretty unhappy person. In the context of the blog post, I'll honestly admit that for reasons too long to elucidate properly here, that 2011 - 2013 were easily the best years of my life. Since then, I've felt like I've been operating under the knowledge that said years were as good as life got: they were the ideal to remember as I got older and to reminisce about fondly, but things simply weren't going to get better, and the best I could hope for on any given year was to treat water.

But, like, the past couple of days...

The past couple of days, I've been treated like a genuine friend. I've gotten to talk to plenty of people I like and admire, and they've talked back to me in return. Hell, people have recognized me and gone out of their way to talk to me sometimes! I've learned plenty of things about writing from casual conversation, then gone to panels run by said friends and learned even more. I've seen truly spectacular things - from vistas to downpours to cosplays and costumes to, hell, even aerial views of some of the lines and congregations of fans, odd as it sounds. I've gone to the dealer's hall and seen even more, and bought things I truly wanted to buy, and fully intend to read later. I've had some of the best food of my entire life, and have slept deeper than I almost ever do.

I don't want to necessarily call them "the best days EVAR," because that quantifies it in terms that I'd normally associate with amusement-park-style thrills or family get-together holidays. I'm not really sure it's that, specifically, is the thing.

But the thing is, these past couple of days...I kind of feel like things can get better than they were in 2013. Not all the time, certainly, but at least for a little I can feel like I did then. I can look forward to new days and old friends, new experiences and nostalgic fondnesses. There's this sort of wonder to it, and I'm worried that trying to analyze it might ruin the moments for me now, but they're there.

They're there, this is real, and I think I'm happy to have kept living for the past 6 years, even if only for a few days.

I think these days justify the wait, in any case. And if there are more days like this in the future, then I can afford to wait for them, too.

I'm too exhausted - good exhausted - to come up with a proper way of expressing gratitude to all of you for making me feel like this, in all its entirety. It'd take a lot of words and a lot of analysis, and I'm pretty exhausted.

But...thank you, guys. Thank you for validating my continued existence. Thank you for making me feel passionately in favor of the idea of continuing to exist, rather than passively accepting of the fact.

I wish you knew how I felt, how this feels, how much you guys mean to me. I wish I could express that. I think if I could, then it might help you feel a larger fraction of the love you guys deserve.

Have a fantastic convention. Take care, everyone.