June Update · 11:56am Jul 6th, 2019
It's another monthly update. How exciting. You can read all my gibberish below the break.
Better late than never, right? Didn't get much done in June unfortunately. I've gotten some writing done lately, but nothing I've been able to post yet. Hopefully soon.
I keep telling myself I'll get better and become a lot more consistent with my schedule. I make all these plans on how to improve myself only to trip up on something and have it end up crashing down. Believe me, if you've been waiting for an update on something I'm just as frustrated as you are. Seems like depression has got me beat and I'm not really sure there's a way out of it anymore.
I've been thinking a lot about my old best friend. When I went to his funeral I talked to a lot of his old friends, saw a lot of people that were in his life, and noticed something kind of alarming: hardly anyone seemed particularly upset over it. Yeah people were there to show their support and tell his family they were sorry for their loss, but it seemed like I was one of maybe three people that were actually broken up over it. How many of them even cared after a month passed? It's been over a year now and how many people even care to remember? It seemed like everyone just stopped caring and moved on, like him taking his own life wasn't even something to think about the more time passed. I guess there's nothing they can do about it. I still think about it every day and wish things could be different, but I've always had a hard time letting things go. Maybe he could take some solace in the fact that after he died so few people kept that hurt with them. I don't know. Maybe he had the right idea about leaving considering how little it mattered to the world in the end. Just another statistic on the pile. Nothing ended up really changing with people to try to prevent it from happening again. Hell, I've even had to remind people a second time what happened to him. Shows how much of an impact it really had. Kind of comforting in a way, knowing for certain just how little people will care after a few months have passed.
I know, I know. You're supposed to suffer in silence. I've been around long enough to realize how little people actually care about these kinds of things. You either stay quiet about it and fix it yourself or you get to watch anyone and everyone who cared about you slowly drift away and avoid you. Kind of a catch 22--you have to avoid people when you're depressed so they don't leave, or you don't and watch yourself end up alone anyway. I've certainly ended up with both outcomes, and as much as people say they'll always be there for you, it seems like sooner or later they end up leaving regardless. No real winning here, huh? You either suck it up and fix it yourself or let it kill you. Either way, nobody is going to care until you reach one of those two outcomes.
I don't know why I'm writing this. All it's really going to do is irritate people and make them want to unfollow me. Definitely don't blame them considering needless bitching about the situation I put myself in is the most I've written in a while. Guess they're breadcrumbs, in a way. If I suddenly don't log into fimfic ever again I suppose you guys can figure out what happened. If that ever ends up being the case, I definitely appreciate all the support you guys have given me on my stories over the years, it was definitely one of the brighter experiences of my life.
Anyway, I think I'm going to stop doing these updates unless some of you guys really just want to see that I'm still around every month. I get the feeling hardly anyone actually reads them anyway. They were supposed to keep me accountable to writing but they just ended up with me complaining and having nothing to show for the month. I know most people are just going to see this and roll their eyes at my continued outbursts. Trust me, I'm trying to fix it; if I found a way to easily get rid of this miserable streak I would have years ago.
Gonna stop now. Let me know what you thought of the new special if you want.
Discord Server if you want to come hang out: https://discord.gg/vSRcxan
My Discord if you'd like to talk to me directly about something: Holy#4599
Thanks to my patrons: Knoster, Liger Storm, JrWubMaster, X865, and two currently anonymous donors.
Patreon link if you'd like to help me out: https://www.patreon.com/Holy
Click bait Sunset shame on you ;D
I would really love it if you’d come here once in a while to at least let us know you’re okay. I know you’ve got a little voice in your head screaming that all of the worst things you can imagine are true. I’m well acquainted with that little asshole myself.
The most important thing to remember and beat into your head is that the little fucker is almost always wrong. It feels impossible because the little shithead is twisting your thoughts around, but it’s true.
Tell yourself that, even if you don’t believe it. Look for signs that you’re wrong. *Actively* seek out the little bits of good you can find and cling to them. I’m not going to tell you it’ll fix everything, but it can make it better. If you ever need to talk or vent, *please* pm me. That asshole has killed too many people I care about.
Personally, I like the monthly blogs, even if they’re just venty. It’s a welcome reminder that you’re still around. Too many people I like have gone silent on this site and elsewhere, with no way to know whether they’ve just drifted away or else.
I can’t give any advice as this is a battle I’ve never fought, and I won’t waste your time with platitudes. But I do hope you’ll find something worth sticking around for. And I hope to see another post next month, if you’re up for it then.
I like seeing the monthly updates. I'm a bit too much of a lurker, because I'm not much of a talker.
It'd be a shame to lose you
I am a guy of principles, and one of them is to treat other the way you want to be treated. I don't think that one should suffer in silence and if people shun you for that then they are in the wrong. I may not know you personally, but I always read your updates because I care enough about you to want to know how you are doing. So no, I don't think it is irritating and those that that do should not be listened to.
I am not good with words or expression. So I will sum this up the best I can.
Stay with me.
yeah, it sorta sucks that you don't post content much, but you still let us know that you're still here and how you are. i'm just happy knowing that you are still around, even with a lack of content. I've come across far too many stories where the author just drops off the face of the earth. i'd prefer the content, but if all i get if is author posts, then that's what i get and i have to accept that there likely isn't much for me to do other than keep providing what support i can however i can.
I'd recommend continuing the monthly updates. It's good to talk about things, even here.
Do your best. I believe in you.