Random Ramblings CCCXLIX · 2:10pm Jan 22nd, 2019
IN WHICH I DOUBT MYSELF (again)
Why do I drink coffee at night when I don't actually use the caffeine rush to write? Help me, Weird Al.
That was no help at all. But it sort of explains my mood. More past the jump, if you'll follow…
My 4th Anniversary story landed with a thud. Perhaps because it's unfinished? Maybe because it uses unpopular characters? Regardless, it landed so badly I lost three followers over it so far. I mean, I expected this story would lose me followers, but not until after Orangeglow shows up and acts like his usual jackass self.
Yeah, one of the couple of readers who commented on TTTB speculated that Twilight had gone berserk and declared war on the Crystal Empire. While I don't always (okay, almost never) depict Twilight in a flattering light, even my version of her isn't that crazy. Nope. It's Orangeglow, Celestia's Chancellor -- not to be confused with the dude who's Chancellor in canon, who as far as I'm concerned will be OG's replacement.
I know I originally referred to OG as "Prime Minister". I will give an in-universe explanation for the title change, although it's not like anyone will care.
This whole thing just feels fruitless. All anyone seems to care about are my Sunset Shimmer stories, and even those don't get the readership they used to. FimFic may be dying, as is MLP in general since Gen4 has run its course, but I didn't think I was done just yet. I still have ideas, some of them big. But, I lack the motivation to act on them.
To be honest, I may just finish this story and "Annie", and then just… fade away. I don't think anyone will care. Officially I still have just over 400 followers (not bad), but if I can't get even a tenth of them to read a new story, then why bother? No, I'm not doing this for internet glory or whatever. I write fanfic because (1) I enjoy working with these characters and (2) I'm trying to polish my writing on a technical level to hopefully one day make the jump to professional -- I don't have the patience for novel writing, but I'd love to write columns or short stories and get paid for them, even if it's just $10.
For Christmas, my dad got me a page-a-day calendar (as always). It's The Onion. Yesterday's headline read: Creative Writing Professor Takes Time To Give Every Student Individualized False Hope. Latterly I've felt I'm one of those former students, as teachers often praised my writing. Readers on this site have praised aspects of my writing, which I always appreciate especially when it's something I put effort into.
But I know I'm not good enough. I'm not sure it's possible for me to ever become good enough. I'm well past the age where my brain has lost its "plasticity" and locked up (usually happens in one's mid-20s). Of course, learning can and should still occur, but any chance for a cognitive breakthrough is long gone. It's all downhill from here.
Perhaps I'm being too pessimistic in assuming that my life is effectively over in my mid-30s, but that's how I feel.
Some of my friends are turning into Social-Justice Warriors. I saw one complaining about Graham Linehan (the co-writer of seminal comedy series Father Ted), saying that he was too into "TERF bullshit". If I remember correctly, that acronym has to do with transfolk stuff that they get overly salty about. It made me think about whether or to what degree we can/should separate the creator from the creation. Is there a scale or is a case-by case thing? No amount of social justice will ever get me to not love the hell out of Father Ted. I was extremely tempted to post exactly that on FB, but I know doing so would piss people off, and it's not like I have many friends left.
Anyway, the creator versus the creation. I think a perfect example is Bill Cosby. We know now he was quite the sexual sleazeball. But does that automatically make the legitimately positive contributions he made for Black representation on American TV just… disappear? I don't think so. On a similar note, the girl I've loved from afar for over 20 years suggested I read Ender's Game. That book was written by Orson Scott Card, who is notorious for being a bigoted nutcase. I don't like the guy, but I should probably read his novel.
If it hasn't been abundantly clear from previous blogposts of mine, I utterly despise Donald Trump and anyone who still supports him. That said, I'm increasingly finding myself at odds with my fellow left-wingers (many of whom are gay and/or trans, which might explain a few things) over cultural quibbles -- tone policing, history deletion, MeToo, and so on.
I feel alone in the universe and would very much like to leave it, as I've already conceded I'll never amount to anything. If my mother didn't live with me, I'd probably have at least more seriously attempted the deed already.
The only thing that has managed to keep my spirits up is the recent arrival of more Sakura Gakuin videos. I now own every single graduation ceremony to date (and will preorder the Bluray of the one happening this coming March) plus both festivals released on video (and a third currently on preorder). I've always had a soft spot for cute things -- that's what made me gravitate to MLP Gen4 to begin with -- so a dozen adorable Japanese tweens singing and dancing is right up my alley.
My latest Fukei haul included DVDs. Much to my surprise and happiness, three of the four titles lack region coding, meaning I can play them on my North American setup. I can hold off on buying a jailbroken (i.e. region-free) player for a little while longer.
The 20oz cup of coffee I drank several hours ago is finally I think starting to wear off, so I can hopefully get some sleep maybe. I have nothing on the agenda for today except contemplate my life and continue stewing in jealousy & self-hatred. Or, just watch more Sakura Gakuin to try and make the bad thoughts go away.
Oh, next blogpost will be Number 350. So expect a really stupid and insane shipfic written on the spot as per usual.
Peace out.
Don't go, man. Not in any sense of it. Please.
I doubt I'm going to be persuasive about that in any real substantive sense, but I think there's good (and interesting) left to see and do. At the same time, though, I do see the frustrations you've articulated. I've largely given up talking politics with anyone these days; and as for FimFiction, I don't think the ride is truly over yet, though I think it's probably changed again, as it does every so often.
Bottom line though, it can suck if there's a gulf between what you want to write and what people want to read. That doesn't mean you can't press forward with it anyway, but it's definitely harder. And if mixing it up some is an option, sometimes that helps keep it fresh too.
Weird Al's always good.
Also I get what you mean. Not having people who read your stuff. It seems like most people only want to read about specific things and if you don't give them that then they're not interested, no matter how good the writing is.
However, if it makes any difference I really enjoy your writing, even if I don't always agree with the way you depict characters, and I like how you enjoy my writing even if you only enjoy it a little, so I hope you stay. I want to continue swapping stories with you as we both keep trying to gain more fans. If that's something you wanted to do at least.
Congrats on the new calendar and videos. I got a sloth calendar.
Also I had like four or five different dreams last night. A Fatal Frame one that had my heart racing but was REALLY fun. A Naruto one. One where it felt like I was in some kind of alternate timeline because I'd been adopted with two other people (which is strange because I'm 27), and another one for sure that I can't quite define the content of.
I swear if I kept a dream diary and wrote in it often I'd probably have enough content to write a book within half a year.
Edit: Also I always felt kind of sour about the amount of views and likes certain fics on the front page got and recently I found one that was really good, but low and behold it was no more than a blatant rip-off of Cards Against Remnant, copied almost word for word but with pony characters.