Fic Reviews: Rise of the Harmony Kingdom · 9:06pm Jan 4th, 2019
Okay, Canterlot Wedding stories. Yes, these are still a thing amazingly. Decided to try and take a quack at reviewing what seems to be one of the better ones out there, going in completey unbiased and seeing what I think of it. More after the break.
Klugetown an unsavoury town in the desert wasteland south of Equestria, one day the fearsome residents were going through their illicit day to day dealings. One such creature was a humanoid cat wearing a red coat by the name of Capper who was trying to pawn off some items he had acquired.
The day seemed simple enough before confusion filled the air as music was playing through the town. All the residents rushed to where the music was coming from and it took them to the entrance of the town.
MAKE WAAAAYYYYY FOR PRINCE ALI! SAY HEY TO...
If only. Sadly, we do get a Youtube video smack dab placed right in of us for all to see. This one, namely.
Do I need to say how unprofessional this is? Do I really need to? And it's not even a good song by the way...
Eyes were on a giant airship which had a purple star with small white stars on it. There were mutterings and shock as yeti like creatures with armor that had the emblem on them exited the airship. They all formed a side to side line as a black furred hedgehog creature called Grubber went down the ramp of the airship along with one of the creatures which was carrying a podium and microphone.
Grubber went up and coughed before speaking through the microphone "people of Klugetown, before you lived under the rule of the Storm King. Now I bring exciting news that the Storm King is no longer a problem and now you shall live under the prosperous rule of ...Queen Twilight!"
Then the mutterings increased as then down came a tall stern faced broken horned unicorn with the same armor as the creatures. "Now I turn it over to Commander Tempest." Grubber said through the microphone before leaving a list on the podium.
Forced Friendship everyone, how lovely!
He walked down and allowed the unicorn called Tempest to take the stage, "ladies and gentlemen for lack of better terms, the Storm King has been taken care of and his former territories are now under the benevolent rule of Queen Twilight. Klugetown is the last of the territories to be annexed into... Into... the HarmonyKingdom..." Tempest said sounding like she was groaning through the word.
"She assures you that in time she will make sure to improve the lives of the citizens but she has given a list of the first set of mandatory laws that will be taken into effect immediately. First slavery is now abolished and any slave owners will have to set their slaves free, the currency of Storm Bucks will be changed, sale of body parts is now prohibited..." Tempest stated to indignant protests and mutterings.
"Just a minute here!" shouted an angry small pig like creature, "Who do you think you are coming here and to change things on how MY town is ran! We only have your word for it that the Storm King is gone!" the creature ranted.
"Who are you supposed to be, the mayor or something?" Tempest asked looking down quite bored at the creature.
"We have no need for politics here as we didn't need any under the Storm King! I'm Verko the boss of the city and every lowlife and pickpocket in this town answers to me! I have absolute loyalty of the residents of Klugetown!" the creature called Verko ranted and Tempest just sighed and powered up her horn.
Then Capper came and bowed before Tempest's podium, he sensed that things were not going to go well for Verko and he might as well adapt to the changes that would be happening here. Perhaps this way, he would not have to worry about the debt he still owed Verko.
"Commander Tempest, my name is Capper and let me be the first to pledge my allegiance and loyalty to her majesty, Queen Twilight!" Capper told the unicorn to the furious look on Verko's face for this betrayal.
Tempest fired up a blast of magic form her horn and shot it right at Verko pretty much frying him and knocking him out unconscious. Then residents then wisely began changing their tones at the sight of Tempest's smirk which dared more protests to begin. Tempest then heard the talking began:
"It was costing too much to feed my slaves anyway..."
"...I don't need anymore unicorn horns anyway..."
"Long live Queen Twilight!"
Nice to know Tempest is still-in character. However... Slight problem, she pretty much comes off as her pre-reformation self which doesn't exactly scream friendly. Granted, Verko deserved that, but... Well, Linkara?
See what I mean? Not exactly someone to root for if she's forcing someone else's way onto what is I admit a crappy culture but STILL! Aryan ponies anyone?
This is so far removed from Twilight's characterization I find it hard to believe that it's really Twilight ordering such measures.
"Open up your eyes!"
Slow clap Cute, real cute. Very clever. I bow to your sense of humor.
Twilight Sparkle clad in the former Storm King's crown used her horn to remove the blindfold and marvel at the castle in front of her, built by a group of servants from the Hippogriffia Kingdom.
It was a gift from Queen Novo the ruler of the Hippogriffs, for helping protect her home and powerful Orb from the Storm King.
She sighed thinking of the events that lead to her running away from her former home of Equestria and finding her way at Mount Aris after a long journey in search of someplace to start anew. The disappointment and anger her friends, mentor and brother had shown to her.
She decided it was better if she could try to turn herself into a better pony, maybe she could make things up with them... especially Cadence.
It was shame that prevented her from coming back to Equestria after these 2 years. Perhaps she would be worthy of going back after she earned a little something during her adventure...
"Oh, it's almost ready! We just need to paint it and just like you asked we have the Storm King's statue in the hallway to start of the hall of enemies! I promise you that we got the swimming pool up and ready!" said a hyper voice of a yellow hippogriff her age.
The hippogriff was Princess Skystar the daughter of Queen Novo and reminded Twilight of Pinkie Pie, she then mentally battered herself. She hated comparing Skystar to Pinkie Pie and the same for Grubber and Spike. It was unfair to them as it felt like she was trying to replace her friends.
"I am hoping the Harmony Kingdom and Hippogriffia have the start of a beautiful new friendship between our nations!" Twilight told her with a smile which was returned.
See, this is the one saving grace of this chapter, for one moment Twilight actually feels like her in show self, she's doubting herself and trying very hard not to think about replacing her friends. And she honestly believes it was her own fault the wedding was ruined. One saving grace of this chapter, one!
She then found a potion call with a call awaiting her, she then used her magic to activate it and it showed Tempest's face. "Greetings Tempest, how was the annexing of Klugetown?" Twilight asked but Tempest's smirk gave her the answer.
"You now have all of the Storm King's former lands under your rule." Tempest stated and Twilight smiled having already been at work restructuring the governments and lands that used to belong to the Storm King. The citizens would not have to live in fear and she will do what she could to make them better. Tempest asked what the next step was.
"Celaeno told me that her crew gotten word that the Crystal Empire will be returning, I will give you the coordinates and have yourself and the Armada ready to meet me. Time we add a new tyrant to our list of defeated enemies." Twilight told Tempest to which she nodded.
The problem however remains. No, not the forcing culture onto other creatures but we never saw how Twilight got this skilled in-between the two year time skip between the Wedding and now. Show, not tell.
Now, as for what I think of the fic's first chapter? ...Well, to be quite honest I find it frankly rather dull, not to mention it having all the obvious problems I pointed out. Not to mention rushed as all Hell. Not much to convince me to come back to this story. 3/10.
Not to mention the terrible way periods, commas, and capitalization was handled. That really turns me off on stories. What's the point in having a creative idea if you can't even make it look good in the first place?
4991206
Honestly, I think if the author took a few steps back and looked at this story again, and got a proofreader he might actually be onto something. But as it stands now...
4991214
Ow. This is bad.
4991235
And it only goes downward from the chapter displayed onwards.
4991236
Good god. And I thought my writing was drivel...
Thanks for reviewing this, I admit that I never realised the implications of forcing cultures in this story
Just saw it as twilight putting an end to their means of crime and corruption
4991214
Sorry about it but I found grammatical errors even when I did get a proofreader
And sorry again if I made them seem unheroic there