Fic Review: Optimus Prime VS Equestria · 5:18pm Jan 2nd, 2019
You know, when Displaced stories are done right, they really do a good job. When they're done wrong... Well, quite a few of us have seen the results. Sadly, today's fic is of the latter variety of Displaced fics. Whoop dee fucking do. And as it concerns my favorite Autobot, Optimus Prime himself, makes me even more annoyed. I'll try to remain unbiased, but if I want to tear my own hair out at the end of this... Sucks in breath You won't blame me... right?
Okay, the fic in question?
...Oooh, real edgy! Have we got another Bayverse Murder Prime on our hands? ...If so, might as well call him Nemesis Prime. I mean, one exists as a few of us Transformers nerds know. Hell, call him Scourge if you want to get really nerdy.
There's a real discrepancy between the fic name and the description. One implies 'Optimus' is going on an all-out war against Equestria, the other seems to imply the latter. PICK A THEME AND STAY WITH IT AUTHOR!
My name is James. School was finally out for the summer, which was especially fortuitous for me as I was intending to go to a popular culture convention. I got clearence from my parents to go, so when the last bell went. After the bell rang I headed home to look at the costume I'd put together. I was a new take on G1 Optimus Prime costume. It was extremely elaborate, and the helmet incorporated a voice changer chip which allowed me to speak with the iconic tones of Peter Cullen.
It then became apparent that my friends were waiting for me. I headed outside, wearing the costume (for some reason), and boarded. One of my fellows, Jerry, was dressed as Robin Hood and was rather concerned about my timekeeping.
"Forgive me, Robin Hood," the voice chip doing it's job, "I did not think it would take that long."
"Hey, not your fault James," said the other passenger in the car, and another close friend of mine, Tina. She was dressed as Wonder Woman. "Neat costume!"
"Thank you Tina," I replied back,
"Alright let's get this show on the road!" Jerry hit the gas and off we went. I must have fallen asleep, as next thing I knew we were there.
It was an impressive scene. People everywhere, costumed, and also selling props. I saw one person was selling a replica of the Matrix, and I wondered over.
"Greetings, human," I told him, speaking in character. "I couldn't help but notice you have found The Matrix,and I was wondering if you would kindly return it,for a price."
"That's an incredibly good costume!"
"I am truly humbled," I answered.
"You get a free bonus chucked in as well!"
This intruiged me. "And what is this bonus?"
"It's an exact replica of the shieldblaster from Age of Extinction."
"You got yourself a deal!"I said excitedly, pulling out my wallet and giving the Merchant $45.
Just then everything went fuzzy. I heard some brief shouting, other voices saying something unintelligable, and then...
Nothing.
Wow... We know sooooooooo much about our main hero everyone! I'm already interested in him. Did I forget to mention this 300 word rushed mess of complete and other dullsville is just the first chapter. Yes, that's right. Only 300 words for the first chapter.
So guys what you think,about the story,if you liked it leave a comment below and if you don't also leave a comment below this is my first time making a story,and I read a lot of Displaced fimfiction stories and I decided to try it out,and I chose Optimus because no one did one with him,anyway more chapters will come,have an awesome day and TILL ALL ARE ONE!
Yeah, what I'm saying is what I'm thinking of this chapter Author. And notice how people are leaving comments, but you're deleting them by the... ahem, truckload. ...Special snowflake much? Listen, if you can't take honest to god criticism then why are you asking for comments? shakes head
By Primus this fic is Garbage.
Actually no, that'd be an insult to garbage thus far.
SCAN COMPLETE:
:SYSTEMS 100%:
:ENERGON LEVELS 100%:These displays were all I saw in my vision, as I slowly regained consciousness.
:ACTIVATING OPTICAL SENSORS:
The landscape opened up around me, a glorious vista of trees and shrubs. A customary glance down at my body brought a shocking site; my body was now entirely metallic. A quick look in a nearby lake confirmed this most confusing state of affairs.
I did a few test waves with my hand to see if I was right, and the mirror image did the same "Incredible, Not only do I look like Optimus, I have his voice as well". Seeing the Shieldblaster lying nearby, I wandered over to pick them up. It then became apparent that the Merchant must have sent me here. But why? What did he achieve for doing this?
Checking all other systems were working correctly, and noting the Matrix lodged in next to my spark core, I headed off in a random direction.
I stepped straight into a scene of madness. Cotton candy bounded around as chocolate milk rained down from on high. And in the centre of it all, was the Lord of Chaos himself, Discord.It will probably occured to the reader by now that I am a brony. It was also apparent I was within the Season 2 opening two-parter. I headed in to stop Discord's reign of madness...when an idea struck me.
If I were to get Discord on my side, I could defeat any evil that threatened this land. My resolve firm, I headed off to reason with chaos itself.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Discord's POV
I sat in my chair enjoying a glass of chocolate milk, reflecting on Celestia's idiocy in trying to defeat me with amateurs! What a pathetic bunch those ponies are. Suddenly, a glint of red and blue caught my eye.My eyes have seen the glory of-no, not that one. I took a look closer, to see a metal bipedal giant closing in. Clearly another of Celestia's minions. This was going to be fun!
-------------------------------------------------------------
-
James POV
Discord was surprised by my prescence, as his jaw dropped-literally."What are you?" he asked.
"My name is Optimus Prime."
"Celestia sent you, I take it?"
"No."
"Oh don't be absurd, of course you were!"
"I came to make a deal, a bet if you will." He fell for it alright.
"If you win, I'll aid you in overthrowing Celestia."
"I win,you surrender when the Elements of Harmony arrive,"
"Yes ,yes, yes, yes, let's just get on with it," Discord said, impatiently.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Discords POV
I only hope this fool knows what he's doing. Not that he'll win, of course.-------------------------------------------------------------
Optimus' POV
I brought up a display, which showed a spacecraft. This was to be the battlefield."What strange contraption is this?"
"This is the Ark. It is where we shall fight."
Discord snapped his fingers, and off we went.
SCRIPT FORMAT! SCRIPT FORMAT! ...Well, isn't that just Prime, and 'Optimus' is already rapidly becoming a Gary Stu and stealing away one of the Mane Six's biggest moments. See, if you don't remember the Season 2 opener, it was about Discord fracturing their Friendship with his Q powers, and them learning how to put it back together. Or at least Twilight learning that friendship can never die. Been a while for me, I admit.
See the difference? Also, where in the SLAGGING MEGATRONUS AND ONYX PRIME DID THE ARK COME FROM!?!
But what do we get here instead of the Mane Six reaffirming their bonds? A gary stu stealing all their glory. Lovely. ...Can I just call Predaking in and have him flame broil this moron? Seriously, not even Optimus Prime himself got in a win against that dragon. ...Actually, I suspect Spyro and his weak flames -No offence intended man- could probably deal with this Optimus knockoff. Oooh, I know, how about we have a race to determine who's better, the false Prime or the Mane Six! (If you get that reference, you win a cookie.)
OPTIMUS VS DISCORD
James POV
We proceeded inside the Ark, a truly vast structure. I was contemplating attacking now, but that would be cowardly.
------------------------------------------------------------
3rd person POVThey found ourselves inside a vast, parts-filled chamber. Discord was wearing a suit of battle armour that clanked noisily around the chamber. And in his hunt for Optimus, he passed by a vehicle. It was a critical mistake ignoring it.
"LET'S ROLL!" Before Discord could react, a 1978 classic kenworth k100 truck crashed into him and sent him flying through a wall. Said truck transformed into Optimus, and they were soon at each other's throats.
The two warriors danced back and forth in space, bouncing between asteroids and star clusters as lasers and plasma rained down. Optimus took a hit and was forced back inside the Ark.
Discord pursued, but then Optimus slammed into him, causing him to lose his weapon. Optimus brought down his Fusion Axe.
"Vile creature!" Optimus boomed, "I have been in battle for countless eons!" Discord was sent flying, and the two warriors traded blows for what felt like hours. But at last, Optimus began to get the upper hand, a right hook knocking Discord over and into a pile of boxes.
But a beam sent Optimus flying back. Discord lumbered forward, laughing. "This is the end, Optimus!"
"Never!" Optimus sent him flying with a missile volley from his shield, causing Discord to fall of the Ark. He prepped his beam weapon and fired on the Ark's power core, destroying it.
Both warriors slammed into the ground like meteors just outside Ponyville. Both fighters engaged in a fist fight, but our mechanical hero emerged victorious, sending Discord into the dirt.
"One shall stand, one shall fall."
'
And end with one of the oldest and most tired quotes in TF history, and a quote an Optimus has to earn. Sadly, this script fighting gary stu knockoff hasn't earned it at all. He's stripped Discord of his humor, upstaged the mane six, and has become an affroant to everything Optimus Prime stands for all in the space of three chapters. Yes, three chapters. All those quoted sections, those were chapters.
Alright not bad,huh,Discord lost before it even began,whelp,theres a very valuable lesson here,never mess with OPTIMUS PRIME!!!
Please a comment below on how epic this was.TILL ALL ARE ON
I shall not be leaving a comment because it'll get deleted, and this was not epic in any way. What's the lesson for me, what's the takeway? You are a crappy author.
God... You know what, I give up. I was hoping to find at least something entertaining aside from how easy this fic is to riff, but no. Just no. Final tally?
0/10.
...Hopefully next go around will be better.
Hold up, WHAT? This already doesn't bode well. Chapters are to be at least three thousand words in my book.
Redundant much redundant?
I have several questions. (JonTron reference. Have a cookie if you got it)
First, nobody can conjure in their minds what a 1978 classic Kentworth k100 truck looks like. It's only car geeks that know that kind of stuff, and everybody else is just lost. Why say it when you should describe it?
Second, I thought we were in the Ark. But then they're fighting in space around asteroids? Give the scene some flow!
Third, what weapon did Discord have that was knocked out of his hand? And explain to non-Trans people like me what a Fusion Axe is. C'mon, show me what's happening if you want this fight to be mildly entertaining!
Ohhhhh...ohhh my goodness...
I hate overly short chapters.
And goodness! Pick a tense! It switches from Optimus to Discord to Optimus again to Discord again to third person? I swear on my balls, if one more writer on the site decides to switch to third person, in a first-person fic, just because they don't know how to write a good battle scene in first-person, I will vomit inside my booty-hole in indignation. Why even write in first-person tense in the first place if you can't write a good battle scene like you want to?
4989994
Ripoff of the Gundam and Optimus Death Battle. ...Should have picked up on that earlier.
But yeah, this fic was crap.
I edited this, so this mess is partly my fault.
4989998
Yeah, I'm going to be blunt. You messed up badly editing this pile of shit.
4990005
That I did. I still need to find some means of redeeming myself.
4990007
You should make some kind of blood sacrifice or something.
You know, like, stand naked in a barrel full of dead eels at the full moon and chant ominously in Latin, while your estranged father mumbles in the background about your decrepit sins.
4990019
If you don't mind me saying, that sounds a little too extreme.
4990021
That was snark... I think.
4990022
Maybe it was. I'm just glad I no longer edit this thing.
4990022
But it looked a LOT worse when it got to me.
4990021
Well, better too much penance than too little. Go the extra mile and cover yourself in burning oil while you're at it.
4990036
....I shudder to think.
4990038
Makes a mess of my traction motors.
4990039
And shudder you should.
4990058
Honestly. Just leave this behind you. You tried to help an author out but you can't write the story out for them (I'm confident you could do better than they could but whatever). If the author won't put in the effort then there's no way you can really help them. You made a bad choice in choosing to edit a fic, but that's it a bad choice not a big deal. Just forget it happened and let's move on, no one's gonna remember it anyway.
4990408
Yeah. Wanna see what I can really do?
4990409
Sure.
4992952
- Equestria Girls
- Dark
- Mystery
- Sad
The infamous holiday special, retold in an entirely new way.Please do tell me what you think.