Random Ramblings CCCIV · 7:30am Aug 15th, 2018
IN WHICH I WORK OUT AND DOUGHNUT
I have no idea what sort of music video to post tonight. So I'll just find something random. Here we go.
I'm a sucker for jazz. Now into the fevered recesses of my mind.
SO, I did some more work rewriting that first chapter of my AU Historical Adventure fic. That flashback might end up longer than the rest of the chapter. But I can't really put it as its own chapter.
In fact, because the additions to the only published chapter are SO substantial, I've probably earned the right to delete the fic and repost it, which would hopefully give it more heat. What do you think? Should I just suck it up and acknowledge its original Dec.2015 posting? Or delete and re-establish the story?
It doesn't feature Sunset Shimmer, so probably no one will read it anyway.
That's how it is, isn't it? People only give a shit if I write for Sunset. But, I want to be more than just a one-trick pony.
The Recovery Arc is OVER, aside from a few non-canon side-stories to satisfy the shippers amongst my reader-base. The Burritoverse is two stories away from being over -- I just need to get off my ass and finish Octavia's story, which is difficult because one character speaks Chav. I've done some research, but I need to do more. Though… no one reads my Burrito stories anymore. Guess that one asshole was right -- I should have stopped after the first two. Fuck him. Attempts at world-building and effort clearly mean nothing to the masses.
More than three years of thought and over 30,000 words put into my History story, and I know it won't be popular. But fuck it; I'ma publish it anyway because it's important narratively; it explains the Equestria side of the world I've created.
Same reason I must publish Anon-A-Fix a little ways down the line, even though people will get upset at its existence -- a lot of "Anon-A-Miss" stories have come out lately for some reason; I wrote mine first but held it back because I needed to finish SRA. Plus, I'm not sure how to proceed with its far more important follow-up, Blooming Friendship.
With my luck, no one will read any of those either.
Maybe I should just write a thousand words about Sunset Shimmer masturbating. I don't want to (though I've alluded to it in at least one story, which astute readers noticed), but I doubt anybody gives a damn about anything else I'd try to do.
Is it because I didn't pair up Rarity and Sunset at the end of SRA? I'm fucking working on it! I'm not good at the mushy stuff because my own love life crashed and burned like that turbo-prop that suicidal dude stole from Sea-Tac last week (too soon?).
WARNING: DEPRESSING INSANITY BEYOND THIS POINT
Speaking of which, when was the last time I mentioned I hated my life and wanted to die? Yesterday? Yesterday.
I hate hating my life because I logically shouldn't. I'm more financially stable now than I've been in years; my dad has been declared cancer-free for six checkups in a row now and he's, last I checked, not indulging in the vices that got him in trouble to begin with. My mother moved in with me and does most of the chores because she needs something to do besides yell at the news all day. I'm going back to the gym to try and rebuild my upper body strength and I enjoy light workout late at night. I'd like it more if I had an iPod (I don't have and refuse to buy a smartphone).
But I still hate my life and want to die.
I shouldn't fuck off this mortal coil until after I've paired up Sunset and Rarity for y'all though. That would be rude.
I watched a TED video today where this woman talked about the rigmarole she had to go through to have her tubes tied. Even as a guy, it made me angry. I don't want kids. I've never wanted kids. I'm in my 30's and my mind has not changed. Granted I do waver because of the strong likelihood I'll die alone and have no one to bequeath all my physical crap to. But I really shouldn't have kids. Just reading my last few blogposts should be proof enough as to why. With my mental and temper issues, I don't trust myself with a child. No child deserves even half the fucked up brain I ended up with, much less having to deal with me. Admitting this isn't selfish; it's fucking called being responsible.
Fuck doctors who think they know better than their patients on issues like this. If a patient meets the statutory requirements for a legal procedure, the doctor shouldn't be allowed to refuse so arbitrarily. (at the same time, the State shouldn't require doctors to perform unnecessary procedures [trans-vaginal ultrasound] and give out misinformation [abortions cause breast cancer] to satisfy the Talibangelist fringe, who very soon will be in charge for the rest of my life thanks to fucking Bret Kavanaugh; fuck him and the horse he rode in on; fuck Leslie Rutledge too, stupid cunt succeeded in banning misoprostol in my state even though it's a fucking legal FDA-approved drug; I hope someone shoots her in the face too).
Women get hurt worse by societal expectations, but men get it too. We're half the equation on the child front (artificial insemination aside, it takes two). Right now, society says I should be building my career, settling down, getting married, and having children. Instead, I'm settled down all right but I'm unemployable for various reasons, have few friends and seemingly losing them by the day, no chance at a serious relationship ever again, and a strong disinclination to spawn. I'm a complete fucking disappointment to everyone.
I see all my high school and college friends who have gone on to great things and I hate them all. I'm jealous. I wish I could take them all down with me. Y'know, I've mentioned several times how much I despise Donald Trump. I still do, but at this point I would welcome the nuclear holocaust Twittler is likely to unleash the next time some world leader makes him mad (not hard to do really).
After I did my usual late-night workout -- today was shoulder day; I forewent abs and chest because I just wasn't feeling up to it -- I decided to buy half a dozen doughnuts at the 24-hour doughnut shop. I already ate the one with Nutella. It briefly made me feel better. Briefly. I think I'll eat the red velvet one next.
Undoing all my hard work at the gym by eating literally the worst thing for you. But I don't care. Hey, since I was feeling like shit and going to eat doughnuts anyway, doughnuts + exercise is undeniably better than doughnuts + no exercise.
It's a good thing I have an appointment with my quack this afternoon. I really fucking need it.
I wish I could better explain why my mind is cracking when, by all objective standards, it shouldn't be.
Sorry to have led you through the dark recesses of my mind. But I think now y'all understand how I could write a series like Sunset's Recovery Arc and make it able to affect readers in the way it has -- I've been there; I am there. However, I'm not a good writer; a good writer can easily write outside of their comfort zone and still make an engaging story. I've certainly tried, but not really succeeded.
Anywho, I'm going to maybe or maybe not eat a second doughnut, listen to Ladybaby, and then fall asleep from sugar crash.
I will very likely contact one of y'all within the week (unless I'm busy) for a second pair of eyes for my upcoming stories.
Peace out!
I haven't been where you are, man, but I can at least relate somewhat with feeling down when all signs say you should be feeling up. And actually there's been a lot of "shoulds" in your blog lately. Things you should do, or be...
"Should" has been weighing me down a lot lately too. It's hard not to let it. I'm at a stage of life where I have literally more responsibilities than I can possibly get to all in one day. It's a daily decision what not to get to. And part of that definitely comes from my background, which is on the Conservative Christian spectrum that you've railed against.
(Not Trumpy though; I weep for my brethren who seem so quick to raise him as a golden idol. I mean, come on guys, did no one else read Luther's arguments about the Pope as Antichrist? And that's not to knock him, but there's a point to be absorbed about people seeking and exploiting power for their own self-aggrandizement.)
But for me, I find more sanity lately in letting go of some of those "shoulds" and having compassion for my own pain and dumbness that's been driving me into an anxious wreck for large chunks of the last couple of months. I think the list of people in the world who are basically devoid of value is pretty small, and I need to stop putting myself on that list. And speaking of that: I think that you are what you are, and even if I don't agree with everything you do or fully understand where you're coming from, you are beautiful.
It freaks people out when I say that. Or maybe it just freaks me out.
I mean, yes, sure, change and work on stuff in your life, because there's always something, right? But it feels like there's so much hate and condemnation being sprayed around all over that there's no room to focus and listen and learn.
For what it's worth, though, readers are ever fickle, and not everything is always gonna resonate. It's also possible that they're not necessarily fixated on you writing Sunset, but that you tapped into something when writing Sunset that lets you get across to them and make an impression more easily. Point being, it's probably ultimately more you than Sunset. Not every project is going to be a hit, but it might be possible to figure out how to tap into whatever that was.
You should ask a mod first before trying to publish it again.
I know what it's like to hate your life even when you shouldn't. :(
I used to want kids. Then I changed to wanting to adopt. Now I'm not sure I even want to do that. If I DID have kids though I'd adopt.
I don't mind traveling through these canyons. Shoot me a message sometime soon again. I miss hearing from you and knowing what you're up to. We'll swap stories of our time at our psychiatrists.