Here's the blog I almost posted yesterday. · 6:23pm Jul 26th, 2018
I've got a break coming up, about a month long. But I don't care anymore. Other classmates already have plans, and all I know how to do is sit in a lab, sit at a desk, or wash dishes. My friends moved on, I don't have a family I would ever want to go back to, and once September rolls back around it all starts over again. I'm so stressed, so tired, so alone, so done. I can't handle the stress of life. I've got my meds adjusted, but nothing has changed. I try to write anything but all that comes is word salad. I tried to make plans with my only remaining friend, but he's gone for August, too. I want to stop talking, put my money where my mouth is for once, and go jump off a cliff, and I think I'm going to. The only thing that stopped me from doing it yesterday and today was the rain closing the park, but tomorrow it's gonna be sunny. I wish I could have finished one last story on here. I wish I could have done one last meaningful thing, but I'm not capable of it anymore. I I know I've done this to you all before, wrote a last note, but I promise this will be the last time.
...........
Please, just tell me it gets better. Tell me it goes away. Tell me there's a pill somewhere that will make it fucking stop. I can't take it. I'm still breathing, still holding it off, but I don't want to be. I'm sorry, I know this isn't the place for this.
This sounds like your main problem right now is, that you don't know what to do for a month while not being at the campus and working and studying there.
Depressions make smaller problems feel bigger than they are to us, I know that from personal experience. What you describe also sounds like you worked too much. Your mind is now locked in your work and now that you can't do that work, it suddenly doesn't know what to do.
The only thing you can really do there, is forcing your mind to relax. To think of something else.
Buy some snacks, go on YouTube and spend time watching random videos (but stuff that at least remotely interests you) there for a day or two.
It sounds to me like your mind just needs to wind down a bit and find something else to focus on, so you should feel better afterwards.
It gets better. It really does
You're not alone friend. Even in the darkness there's a light, maybe even a tiny light, but a light nonetheless and that light has infinitely more worth than that dark, we are your friends, even if it doesn't seem like it, we care.
Shoot. Typed up three paragraphs, then hit the wrong button. Now they're gone and my work break is over.
Guess I'll be back once I get off...
We don’t mind you telling us this man I,m going through a living hell too right now
Young man, I wish I knew the words that could help you. But I'll give it a shot.
When I was in my early thirties, I found myself homeless and jobless. I'd just been through a messy divorce, and my ex was trying to take my kids away from me. When I still had an apartment, and just before I was about to be evicted, I strung a noose over my balcony, put it around my neck, and was just about to step off. Then, I got a clear vision of how my children would react when they found out.
I couldn't do it.
So I went on living. In my car for a few months, then found a decent job and then a person who needed a roommate, so I was off the streets for awhile. During that time, my tooth got infected, and I had no dental insurance, so I suffered from a swollen face and cheeks filled with pus as the infection got worse. I thought I was going to lose my sanity from the pain, but eventually, it subsided. It wasn't until years later I was able to have the tooth removed, and during that time it got infected again and again, but never as bad as that first time.
Again, years later, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and finally got the treatment I needed. Because of my time in service, I now receive free medical and dental, as well as the medications I need to keep my Type II diabetes in check. They have me on some pretty strong anti-psychotics, and these help in keeping the nightmares at bay, as well as the flashbacks.
I said all that to say this: don't give up. I've only told you half of what I've been through, but I'm still here. Find someone you can help, and make them your priority, for, believe me, there are people in worse shape than you.
God bless you!
I know school is tough. I'm working on my masters and that's incredibly difficult. I can't imagine how difficult what you're doing is (I don't remember if it's an MD or PHD). But there's an end date on that. One day it'll be over and you'll get your life back. I get what your going though. I had to drop all my hobbies (except gaming) for school. Now that I have some free time over the summer, I never bothered to start them up again. I'm just so used to not having any time that I don't know what to do with it now, so I just do nothing. Just remember that the school stress and troubles have an end date.
And as for your break, not having anything planned isn't a bad thing. I never got people who have some busy scheduled break. School is busy enough, I want my breaks to be the opposite of that. Just do nothing for a bit. Be lazy, write a bit (even if nothing comes of it), read, try your old hobbies again and try new ones. Just relax and take it easy.