I'd like a second opinion on a chapter of My Own Reality, please. · 6:41am Jul 21st, 2018
I honestly feel like this is the most awkwardly-written chapter I've ever created. I tried to maintain a sense of continuity, but at the same time since I wanted to change the story a little, ended up diving into multiple areas where things just felt... off.
Chances are that I'll probably come back to the chapter and rewrite it from scratch. I'm really not much in a rush for the My Own Reality project, since I'm still busy setting up the world and lore in the main Pony-Me story.
Read the chapter below the break, and give me your thoughts.
Lisa awoke to the grumble of her stomach, a growing pain creeping back into her mind as the last of the sedatives wore off. Her hand slowly inched to her side. No tubes. She thought, brushing her hand over her clothes. No more telltale lumps of the tubes and wires snaking from her body.
To her delight, one final, wide-eyed check under her sheets confirmed that she was, in fact, finally untethered from the now powered-off machine. The room now sat in complete silence, save for the background noise outside the girl’s window.
She turned her attention back to the pain in her stomach. Though it was still hardly an annoyance, Lisa could feel the pangs of hunger calling out to her. As she crawled from her cot, her foot brushed past a paper bag. Picking up the bag revealed a hastily-scrawled label across its surface.
“Food”
Lisa opened the bag, scrunching her nose from the smell that wafted from its interior. A quick glance inside revealed a small, clear bottle filled with a pasty-beige liquid, complete with small flecks of solids drifting within.
A quick whiff, surprisingly, didn’t result in the girl gagging. Rather, it instead smelled… sweet. Slowly, she raised the bottle to her lips, and drank.
--{}--
Empty bottle in hand, Lisa returned to simply staring out the window from her cot. The blazing rays of sunlight had since dimmed into the oranges and yellows of sunset, but continued to shine bright enough to force the girl to turn away. She let out a sigh, once again running a hand over the former location of the tubes and cables on her body before rising from the cot. A quiet rustling emanated from the paper bag as it tipped.
Huh? The girl reached for the bag, her eyes focused on a small corner of a paper peeking from its interior. She grasped the slip, pulling it from the bag and unfolding it.
A map?
She turned to the window again, squinting in the bright sunlight. Though she couldn’t see very far, Lisa could barely make out the outline of another building.
Her eyes turned to the header scrawled across the top of the map. Snowbush. She read, scanning over the paper. That’s the name of this place.
Lisa’s attention turned to the only other prominent feature of the room besides the window and the hulking machine: A single, solitary door.
Slowly, she made her way towards the fixture, her hand outstretched as she reached for the doorknob. The map slipped from her fingers, floating down underneath the cot as she neared the door.
Escape. Her mind screamed out, Escape this place, and return…
Lisa threw the door open.
…Home?
There was another door in front of her, identical to the one she’d just opened. The girl glanced to the side, revealing a short hallway leading to a flight of stairs. A quick look in the other direction revealed the same.
Lisa stepped into the hallway, one hand still on the door. Another step. The sound of conversation faintly echoed through the corridor. Another. The voices grew louder by the second as the girl drew ever closer to the stairway.
She broke into a sprint, descending the stairs in a mad dash. The clatter of her bare feet against the cool metal stairs filled her ears, footsteps growing as rapid as her own racing heartbeat as she finally reached the bottom.
The brilliant light of sunset flooded her vision as she turned, leaving the bottommost hallway and facing the outside world. Lisa blinked, her eyes widening as she stepped onto the concrete sidewalk in front of her. A low breeze billowed past her, whistling down the hallway
behind her.
Conversation filled the air around her. Cries of confusion and anger swirled all about in the autumn breeze, rolling in waves with every gust.
Others like me. Lisa remembered, peering into the cobblestone street before her. Men and women, the young and the old. All around her were others who had, just a day prior, been enjoying their peaceful lives in a simulated existence.
“Hey!” The girl cried out, running towards a gathering crowd, “What’s going on?”
No answer. Lisa turned her head, spotting a lone boy at the curb. He peered back at the girl, a small cobblestone in his hand.
Clack. He placed the stone atop a tower of other similar rocks. The boy shook his head, refocusing on prying another cobblestone from the road.
Clack. Another stone landed atop the tower as he glanced back up.
Lisa squeaked as a stray gust hit her from behind, blowing long strands of brown across her vision. Brushing her hair aside, she turned her attention yet again to the strange boy and his stack of rocks.
Or at least, what remained of the stack. Stones littered the ground beside him as he rubbed his hand, wincing. Lisa rushed to his side, nearly tripping herself over the rocks. “Are you okay?” She gasped, staring at his bruised hand, “We should probably find… uh, somebody to take a look at this. It might be-“
“I’m fine.” The boy blurted, continuing to rub his hand. “It doesn’t hurt that much anyways.”
Lisa raised a brow. “You sure?”
The boy nodded.
Lisa watched as he leaned over, shoveling the stones back to his side with his bruised hand.
“You… you probably shouldn’t put too much pressure on that hand right now.”
The boy glared at the girl, continuing to scrape the stones together. “And what makes you think you can order me around?” He sneered, “You act a lot like my sister.” He returned to restacking the stones.
Lisa watched for a few more seconds as he rebuilt his tower. “What’s your sister’s name?” She began, “You’d might as well tell me in case if I see her around.”
Another gust of wind ripped through the streets as the boy held the tower against the blast.
“You kinda act like my own brother, y’know.”
The boy snorted, reaching for another cobblestone. “Yeah, and let’s see if I happen to know him, ‘kay?”
Lisa raised a brow. “You still haven’t answered my own question, y’know.”
“Fine, fine. She’s some girl who goes by Rebecca Waterman, ‘kay? Now leave me alone.”
A strange silence fell over the two as the boy glared into Lisa’s trembling eyes. “That’s… that’s my name.” Lisa whispered, “Are you Caleb?”
The boy shrugged, motioning towards his wristband. “Says here that I’m some Timothy Carter kid, but yeah, I guess you are my sister, then.”
sure thing second opinions are my strong suit
First. I wouldn't call this an awkwardly written chapter, although if we're talking about me then that doesn't say a lot. Personally, I thought it was really interesting, but it did strike me as a little short for an actual novel--which I bet you've already considered. There are a few missed italics or ambiguous pronouns here and there, like when you refer to Lisa as 'the girl' when she runs toward the crowd, I think it would be easier to just use 'she' instead.
Second time reading through. Good use of non-subject openers. Although I think you could have used more. To clarify, non-subject openers are sentences that start with things other than the subject, such as 'Although I think...' or 'To clarify..." Sometimes, these openers can be a lot more colorful than just a 'She {action}' or 'The {object}.' Really strange stuff, if you ask me, you can use prepositional phrases, adverbs (which you use well), or continuation words like however or although. This doesn't mean you get rid of all subject openers, no, just have non-subject openers scattered through like a fine spice.
Also I think you could have a more extensive scene of the outside world before she meets her brother, and have her brother and her talk a bit more before she figures it out, it seemed a bit rushed, was that what you thought made it seem awkward?
Aside from these small concerns (don't worry about the English stuff too much, my mom was a huge English buff) you really have a potential story opener here. I'd support it.
gg