Advice is live

EPrincess Celestia's Adventurous Advice

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure

Princess Celestia has an encyclopedic knowledge of adventuring. Too bad this resource goes squandered.

• Celestia
• OC
• Raven Inkwell

kudzuhaiku · 3.6k words  ·  425  11 · 4.5k views

Have fun!

Comments

[Georg]

I read that as Princess Celestia's Amorous Advice and immediately thought, "Oh, yeah. Romance advice from somepony whose last date was in the Cretaceous era."

"The first thing you must realize, Smirk, is that the average stallion has very limited emotional responses."

Smirk nodded. "I noticed. They're oblivious."

Celestia produced a dusty club from behind the throne. "That's why I invented this. I call it the Romance Club."

"The... Romance Club?" Smirk looked from the iron-bound chunk of oak up to the eager face of Princess Celestia and back to the club. "How does it... work?"

"Well, first you find a nice, strapping young stallion with good teeth, broad shoulders, and high stamina. Like Sergeant Hardhooves here."

"Wha--"

There was a ringing noise as the Romance Club did its job, and the Royal Guard dropped like a sack of potatoes.

"If they have a helmet, you need to hit them a little harder," explained Celestia as Hardhooves' dented helmet rolled down the red carpet, past the other stunned guards. "Then you drag your mate here off to a secluded location, like a cave or a hollow tree, and tie him up with vines so he doesn't get away. Then once he wakes up, you begin the training. Use small slices of fruit at first to encourage good behavior like not screaming and running away, then progress to crudely cooked breads topped with crushed fruit. Although in these modern days, you could probably just get a box of donuts," she added with a thoughtful expression.