Letters - IX

My father knows the proper way
   The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
   Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
   He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
   We have to hire a man.

My father, in a day or two
   Could land big thieves in jail;
There's nothing that he cannot do,
   He knows no word like "fail."
"Our confidence" he would restore,
   Of that there is no doubt;
But if there is a chair to mend,
   We have to send it out.

All public questions that arise,
   He settles on the spot;
He waits not till the tumult dies,
   But grabs it while it's hot.
In matters of finance he can
   Tell Congress what to do;
But, O, he finds it hard to meet
   His bills as they fall due.

It almost makes him sick to read
   The things law-makers say;
Why, father's just the man they need,
   He never goes astray.
All wars he'd very quickly end,
   As fast as I can write it;
But when a neighbor starts a fuss,
   'Tis mother has to fight it.

In conversation father can
   Do many wondrous things;
He's built upon a wiser plan
   Than presidents or kings.
He knows the ins and outs of each
   And every deep transaction;
We look to him for theories,
   But look to ma for action.

'Father' by Edgar Guest

Mr. Filthy Rich,

I would like to inform you that your Frazzle Hazzle to Razzle Dazzle Mane Conditioner has left me more than a little dissatisfied. The packaging reads that, "Any mare without the essential oils found in this conditioner will forever be denied the magical dazzlement that guarantees success in life's pursuits." It's true that my mane, which Rarity tells me all the time is "on point", has failed to attain any "Razzle" OR "Dazzle" by her standards--and she should know! Spike and I even used Twilight's Dazzle meter. We are barely pinging three out of ten!

I cannot underscore enough the blow this has had on my psyche. My life feels lackluster. Without any Razzle Dazzle, I don't even try anymore. Why bother? Without a brilliant mane to enchant the ponies around me, I am only half a mare. Failure is my destiny so long as Razzle Dazzle eludes me.

I would strongly advise that you reconsider this product's inclusion in your next stock shipment lest you have an uprising on your hooves. Thirty bits is not cheap! The counseling I've had to receive is even more expensive...

With All Due Respect,
Starlight Glimmer

My dearest Starlight Glimmer,

While I am truly sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction, I must remind you that all sales are final.

I also have it on good authority that this "Dazzle" meter you've used is meant for magical saturation in manure, not hair.

With The Utmost Gratitude For Your Continued Patronage,
Filthy Rich

Filthy Rich,

Twilight has informed me that, while laughter is an important aspect of friendship, every joke has its audience. Clearly, I picked the wrong one.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie got a few laughs out of it, though! That's good... Right?

All Apologies,
Starlight Glimmer

P.S.
But to be perfectly honest, the conditioner really wasn't that great.

Starlight,
Why you mistake me dear Starlight! I am a stallion who LOVES a good laugh.

So I'm sure you'll appreciate my amusement when I revoke your preferred perks card. Indefinitely.

Sincerely,
Filthy Rich

FROM AN ENTRY IN STARLIGHT GLIMMER'S DIARY

Regarding the matter with Filthy Rich: I went to apologize to him personally. I felt a little nauseous and sort of annoyed, I mean--revoking my perks card seemed a bit much for such a small prank! (which, in hindsight seemed less like I wanted to apologize so much as argue) only to have him look at me, burst out laughing and say, "Gotcha!"

Pranks are so not my thing...