A [(Very Late) But Also Super-Heartfelt(Despite Being Almost A Year Later)] Thank-You. · 7:15am Mar 29th, 2018
So.
Um, hi, guys, it's uh... it's been a while, hasn't it?
About eight months ago it was since I last rambled on for an hour or so on this site telling all the good but also super-vague news that had come about through my own courage and comfort in my own identity.I remember the day only as feeling very scared but also very determined to not let my anxiety and my fears rule me, as I had so often in the past allowed them to. I got online to a site I felt so comfortable on, regardless of whether I knew any of you in the physical real world, and opened up my heart and mind to my nearly 200 followers (at the time) and anyone that happened to be linked to it, and shared the truth about who I am inside, and who I aspire to become on the outside.
I shared the fact that I want those to be the same person, inside and out, and that I want that person to be Alice.
Female.
A rejection of my physical being and recognition of the woman I feel I truly am inside, and the journey to make that a reality.
It wasn't easy back then, and writing about it now still isn't without its hiccups, but I have matured and learned and grown in my journey and come to a point where I don't just want to spend an hour happily writing a vague blog where I never truly state the one thing and only thing that really needs to be said. I want to come back to my point of no return, and face it with newfound strength. Hitting the post button last year was incredibly liberating but also petrifying, since I knew I was being more honest with myself and letting myself be open with my friends and online family, but at the same time, endangering potential real-life relationships. I've since decided that anyone in my life who isn't willing to accept me as Alice, as who I truly am, doesn't deserve my friendship or trust.
It's hard to say goodbye to any friend, but when they're a bad support, you have to cut them off and repair the damage. I lost a couple supports because of my decision last year, but my life is better for it, since I discovered numerous more in their place who care and want to see me find happiness, just like anyone else.
That's why I'm writing this long-form letter/blog/thank-you to you. To you, the followers who didn't comment but stopped by to read and absorb what I was sharing. To you, my once-editors and writing collab mates, who put up with my random and often grammar-policing presence on gdocs and elsewhere, whom I confided in prior to my blog. To you, the non-followers, who stopped by either by link or by just seeing my blog title and guessing (correctly) that it was a coming-out blog. To you, Ceru, and Kaidan, Proto, and any of you who I trusted with my secret all that time until I grew the testicular fortitude to admit to wanting testicular forfeiture.
It wasn't easy, but with the help and support and courage I felt from all of you, I wanted to come back and set the record straight. Since I wasn't too clear on my last attempt, here goes:
Hi! I'm Alice! I'm a transgender woman (MtF), not on hormones, but trying to fit in and feel comfortable in her own skin
For a while, I'm sure many of you (especially anyone who peeked at my 2014 picture reel from China) thought, and rightly so, that I was a guy. Physically, at least for now, I am. Unfortunately. Someday though I hope to 'go all the way' and make that right, though it would be a bit further along in life definitely. It'll be expensive but worth every last penny.
I've always been Alice, even in 2013 when I was starting my profile here and when i chose the profile name, and even when I called other people dude and never corrected anyone calling me 'man' or 'dude' as well, I was, and am, Alice. I still go by Dash, of course, once you have a five-year nickname, it's hard to shake, but not unwelcome
So, again, let me just say thank you to every single person who read my coming out blog, or who commented, PM'd, hmu in real-life, or just provided themselves as a rock to lean on in times of hardship. Your meager contributions have helped me gain new perspective and confidence and esteem in myself, enough to admit that I no longer feel scared writing this blog. I started it with shaking fingers, excited to see where I would ramble on to, nervous about being more open and honest with my friends and followers about who they've actually befriended and come to know over the years.
I'm now finishing it with more determination and strength, to show that I can leave behind my past and become who I really want to be, regardless of who tells me I don't deserve happiness or what stands in my way.
Constant support from communities like my FimFamily and the folks at the Transgender group I received during my time on the site was incredibly useful and please reach out to them if you're struggling like I was and need a hand finding love and support for your journey
And lastly, be true to yourself, and don't let anxiety or society tell you how to be happy when you know you best.
Much love from the real-life-adult-world, much missing of my friends and FimFamily, and peace and love always!
~Alice (Dash)
P.S. Always feel free to shoot me a PM sometime anytime if you have questions/want to talk/need help or support/or just miss this crazy old girl and want to say hi.
We didn't talk much before, but I'm really glad you found your way and that things are looking up for you. It's the kind of good news that improve my day
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Awh, well that's good that it helps you in return :V I'm certainly much happier after posting this second go-around.
May not have talked much, but definitely gave me valuable feedback during my scant writeoff career :V
Good on you. I hope you find the validation you seek, from those around you if not from within. Again, if you need help on the mental side of things, just give me a hollar, I'd be more than happy to share.
Good on you! Best of luck!
Beans of coolness.
Thumbs up! Hope things go smoothly for you.
I'm glad to have been one of your pillars. I'm not always consciously present, but I've always supported you.
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And I'm glad to consider you one of those foundational pillars to my coming out on site (: and just an all-around badass and confidant.
I don't need a constant conscious presence now that I have numerous supports, but I still look back on your being there as a major help in boosting my confidence in my real life. It really means the world to me
Did you happen to see that Coming Home made it into a Seattle's Angels review/post? :V pats on your shoulder for the editing work way back when. (: