Blocking out Writer's Block, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Fun · 3:03pm Jan 27th, 2018
Today, I felt a little guilty.
It's been a week since my last chapter for Waking the Dead, and well over a month for Gumdrop Files. Admittedly, the latter was designed to be a collection of short stories that came to me as I worked on other things, but it still got to me how I haven't updated it at all. I have two stories in progress with Gumdrop in mind, one being a H&H day special and the other was for NYD, but that fell through. With Waking the Dead, I've set myself the challenge of being one chapter ahead at all times. I'm around 1,500 words into chapter 5, with an unedited chapter 4 sitting at just over 10,000. On top of this, I've written nearly 4000 words for a random shipping contest, having never written a shipfic before.
That is, in technical terms, a fuckton of wordsmithing.
"But Kendall," I hear you cry, "You have written so much, why do you feel guilty? Surely you write for the sake of writing?"
I'd like to say yes, I write for the love of writing. Deep down, I do, it's what driven me for years across everything I've done creatively. I suck at art, have a voice that's only good after ten tsintaos at the local KTV, and I'm about as musical as a runner bean. Writing is the only outlet I have where I can express myself and my ideas, at least to standard good enough for internet strangers.
At the same time, I'm being that dickhead who wants all the praise with it. Like most here, I want to be lauded or criticised. I want to grow as a writer, to develop where I can. Part of me is afraid of undue criticism, of having my work torn down and stamped on by someone. No doubt I'll have the kneejerk reaction of "But you don't understand!!!" (I've done that plenty of times already)
I feel guilty because I want to write more Gumdrop, but nothing I write feels quite right. It's a slog to get 100 words down, and when I do it ends up deleted the next time I open the document. I love the character, but I have nothing for him to do that sounds entertaining for others to read.
I feel guilty because I'm spending more time on this shipfic than Waking the Dead, leaving this larger fic on the wayside. I have a ton of chapters planned out, complete with little tidbits of dialogue and scenes for all of them. I worry that I'll end up putting it too far on the side and never find the time to work on it.
I feel guilty, because I'm becoming (in the words of Pip) "more in love with the idea of being a writer, than with writing".
Then, I stopped feeling guilty.
I am a writer, because I love writing. Yeah, I'm a lousy, jealous and horrifically uncommitted lover. Still a lover of writing. Maybe after this break, I'll become a little better. Focus more, work harder on the two fics that set me off on this path again. Maybe I'll drum my own origainal stuff back up again, begin rebuilding this universe I made years ago. Who knows?
What I do know is that I'll keep that pen scribbling, and I'll keep those ideas flowing. All I ask, is that someone takes the time to read and help me grow.
Also, send scrumpy if you can. I miss my alcoholic apple drink.
I wish I loved writing.
4784483
You've written so much and so many different things, did you honestly not enjoy any of it?
4784775
There was a time back in 2012 or so when writing was fun, but it didn't last long. For the most part I hate the process and find it extremely difficult. The only saving grace is that you get something out of it afterwards.
Lately I haven't been enjoying the end product either, so the math doesn't work out. Spending a long time doing what I hate to end up with something I don't enjoy seems like a poor use of what little time any of us have.
There was a time I considered it calisthenics for some hypothetical writing career but it doesn't look like that's happening either, so whatever.
Sorry to be Debbie Downer here. It's just where I'm at.
4785125
I can understand, and you're not being a downer at all dude! The passion can fade over time, after uni I didn't want to touch writing. All my creative efforts changed to PnP games instead, something where I didn't have to worry about description and flow as much, just being able to help folks have a good time.
I'm honestly in envy of you to have the dedication to keep writing, I seriously lack motivation at times. My best wishes to you with everything my dude, and never feel bad if you want to take a step back to relax. Writing is a passion, not something to slave over. Sending internet hugs and good feelings.
4785133
Thank you.