Kamehamerant · 6:35am Jan 27th, 2018
Hey guys. I probably shouldn’t drink and blog but it’s been a hell of a couple weeks and I’ve gotta write something. Unfun personal stuff ahead. These are not the droids you’re looking for.
These, however...
For the last couple years, off and on there’s been this guy at my wife’s work who’s been a real D to her. Not just unprofessional; we’re talking very forward and outright threatening at times. Like sexual harassment type stuff. And it’s been really hard watching from the sidelines and trying to have some kind of influence as my wife has struggled to figure out what to do with the situation. It’s a guy whose behavior has evidently long been tolerated by the employer, and everyone there laughs it off I guess, but it hasn’t been funny to any of us. And she’s struggled, and been scared, because...
Well.
Much as my wife can be a bit of a Limestone in temperament, I know it’s partially because of some past stuff that just doesn’t go away easily. In my head, dealing with crap like this is easy in concept—but it’s taken me a long time to realize that not everyone finds it easy to accept, believe, and (this is the hard one) feel like they can take vigorous action on the belief that they don’t deserve to be mistreated. That certain things are just not okay, and that they deserve to have authorities, spouses, friends, or whatever help take a stand when things go bad. That it’s okay to try to take a strong stand.
That that’s better than hoping it’ll just change. Or that the kind of person who goes after others and seeks to drag down their lives for his own self-gratification is just gonna stop on his own, or because the latest interaction seemed to go better than the last one.
Anyway, there was a run-in at the start of the week that sounded really bad. And after that, she finally decided to go to HR at her workplace. She’s explained lots of times why she’s skeptical of the HR there, but like... I dunno. At this point all it means is that the wheels are turning. Fortunately her boss seems supportive, and everyone knows how this guy acts; probably half the female staff has been in his crosshairs at one point or another.
She’s still scared half to death to go through with this.
This is a woman who grew up doing farm labor, who has given birth multiple times, who’s earned a black belt, who breaks bricks with her bare freaking hands on a routine basis—and she’s scared of calling out an abusive, miserable excuse for a human being, who’s terrorized her workplace for years. I think she also feels relieved to have made this now a much more public thing, but the fear is never too far behind.
I try—we’ve tried—to keep things together even though there’s been this cloud hanging over her for so long. I think we succeed more than not. But that doesn’t make it all okay below the surface. Now that maybe something’s really going to happen to start attacking this at its root, i think it’s making us realize just how draining and debilitating it’s been to live with this for so long. (For years now.) I do think this is progress though; very big, and very worth celebrating. Because it’s not just me—a male, and at least somewhat apart from the situation—who’s saying and/or doing things; it’s her. (There has been some related discussion and i have learned some stuff, to be sure.) It hasn’t been easy for her to get there, or to do this, but it’s happening.
Hopefully, maybe.
Why post this? Well I dunno. Blame the cider maybe. But the sad thing is that its not like we have a lot of people who we talk to about this stuff. “Hey Bob! How’s the fam? How’s the dickhead who keeps making your wife’s life a living hell?” See, it just doesn’t flow off the tongue in everyday conversation. Or maybe it’s a failure of modern society. Or something. I don’t know. It probably took the power of cider to push me past my concern about writing this, but I needed to, because I keep all this bottled up inside and it makes me crazy sometimes.
So how do you end something like this? The story isn’t over. Life has a way of going sideways and then not being anywhere near as easy as you’d expect to get righted again. But I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted, even though this is just the beginning. Seeing her stand up and go for the (hopefully) real help of HR is already profound to witness.
This stuff is way harder for some people to “deal with” (in any sense) than others might realize or understand. I certainly didn’t. I’ve had to learn a lot of empathy and acceptance around that.
But now, if we’re getting past the point of just saying things are wrong and shouldn’t be tolerated, and getting to the point of seeing real action—that’s huge.
Dude fuck that guy. Congrats to your wife on calling him the fuck out.
Without the toxic element around, the healing can begin. Good luck to both of you.
Wow, so I actually did write that. Alcohol as a force for good. Huzzah.
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Thank you guys.
I certainly hope HR pulls their head out of their collective arse and deals with this issue.
Good on you for being there to listen and provide support for her. Here is hoping that it all gets resolved decisively and without any more drama
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Me too, man, and thank you. I've felt a big gamut of emotions while just watching and listening and talking... like I should be doing more, and that I'm failing by not pushing harder for more action. But I did push really hard at the beginning, and that ended up making things worse. That was when my learning began.
No matter what comes next, the future looks a little brighter.
I'm really glad that things are starting to move for you both. I'm more glad that it happened before either of you hit your breaking point. You may have some more unpleasantness ahead of you, but you've both passed the large hurdle. Now that the ball is rolling, resolution is inevitable.
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One can only hope, my man. My "breaking point" came a long way back, but I ended up doing more harm than good, and there was a lot that I ended up learning from getting there and having to deal with the fallout.
What an ass. I hope he gets what he has coming to him. Hope everything works out for the both of you.
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Thanks much!
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of course friend
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Reminds me of what a counsellor told us:
"You and $SIGNIFICANT_OTHER are different. Wonderfully, gloriously different in the way you think, act, and approach things. With patience, love, forbearance, and communication, it does not have to become an irreconcilable chasm, but rather complementary halves of a greater whole."
It certainly was eye-opening to really see and understand what the other considered "obvious"