Random Ramblings CCXII

IN WHICH I, UH, BLUH
Greetings, true believers. It's almost midnight here in the land of the nuts and I realized I haven't made my presence known in awhile, so I figured I'd fix that. If you'll follow me past the jump, I'm sure it'll be worth your while. Actually, it probably won't. But enjoy the rant anyway!

This morning, I made some much-needed edits to a capital offense. It's still not ready to publish as I have yet to fix its formatting. That is because I haven't been able to get to the library because it's been too damn cold for me to want to leave my home.

I don't leave my home much anymore. This is in part because of the cold, but partly because my mind has been under such heavy stress due to the hard deadline of receiving a new roommate (my mother) while most of my ex's stuff is still here, that all I do most of the time is sleep. I spent much of yesterday and today asleep. This has kept me from finishing projects I need to finish.

I want to convert my Halloween story to be not-Pony, as it was originally intended, so I can send it to my friend who is an editor, but I fell asleep listening to Sakura Gakuin. My mother is going to realize how much of a fucked-up deadbeat I am and I can't take that. I don't want her yelling at me too. Yes, I pay my bills (eventually) and my taxes, but that's about all I can do aside from eat, and even that I'm iffy on. I ate well today, but a couple days ago I slept probably 18 hours or more and ate nearly nothing.

I feel terrible that I haven't written Word One of my intended Sunset story. I've just got too much else on my mind to focus on, well, anything.

Even on my pillz, the bad thoughts are never far away. My mother, to her credit, wants to make this transition as painless as possible, but that can't happen because my brain naturally panics at the slightest adversity. Always has. ALWAYS has. This is why my ex told me to my face she didn't think it was possible for me to hold down a job. She was right. Of course, she could hold down a job; she just didn't want to because it cut into fun time with her friends, and she resented that I wasn't "trying" -- never mind that I paid all the bills, did 90% of the cooking, what little cleaning either of us were willing to do, etc. No. I'm just not good enough because I'm so fucking terrified of the job interview process that I would literally rather slit my wrists (and have).

My mother insists my ex treated me like shit. I've been led to believe I treated my ex like shit. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Now that my ex has her new beau, she refuses to acknowledge I ever existed. Must be nice to be able to do that -- the poor bastard who calls me his best friend says my ex is scared to face up to her own sins. I'm not entirely swayed by that argument. No one can convince me I'm not a terrible person after all the sins I've committed over thirty years. Yes, I still dwell on things I did and were done to me in elementary school -- I'm from a small town; no one ever lets anyone live anything down. I don't believe in forgiveness or salvation... at least not for me.

Sunset Shimmer may have a happy ending coming (no not that kind; let's get our minds out of the gutter), but I sure as hell won't, especially after Donald Trump and the GOP take away what protections I had left. I hope he dies, soon, preferably the way I had Aria kill him off in her Burrito story. However, I will make a promise not to die (at least not intentionally) before publishing the end of the Recovery Arc. I've kept y'all waiting so long and I truly hope the final three stories will be worth the wait.

I still have yet to go to the mall and buy my parents their annual calendars. I can't buy my mother her annual cinema gift card until she pays me for the Christmas presents I bought for myself because she'd never be able to track such obscure stuff down like I can.

I want to go and buy more doughnuts so I can be satisfied and pass out from sugar crash (fairly certain I'm not becoming diabetic, since I try to maintain a reasonably balanced diet otherwise and get out to exercise when I can).

I truly apologize that my blogspace is often used as a platform for me to whine like a little bitch. But, well, I have no other outlet besides my therapist, and I space those appointments out as far apart as I can to save money. I appreciate the well-wishes some readers have given me over the past year or so. And do know I wish only the best for you, whoever you are reading this.

Anyway, that's all from me for now. I need to take care of my cat and then try and sleep. Again.

Peace out!