Not dead yet. · 5:05pm Sep 16th, 2017
I'm not dead yet,
Okay, explanations... Runs hand through hair. Fuck, this is hard to write out...crap, still too hard. Okay, let me try to just write my emotions.
Yesterday, for reasons, I felt my life was completely out of control. Not only was it out of control but that there was literally nothing I could do to bring it back into control. That I was sliding into an abyss and my attempts to stop the slide were ludicrously ineffective. To that end I started making plans to exercise what I could control. Specifically, my life itself via the Tommen Option. I shut down my Patreon, left Damaged's Discord server, posted yesterday's blog and put all my stories on hiatus.
I suffer from genetic heart issues and my wife from chronic pain. I inventoried medicines on hand and determined I had enough available, particularly with the 15 year old bottle of 175 proof moonshine I have, to ensure a painless death. But things got in the way.
I couldn't leave my family with a messy house and the likelihood of an inspection by the landlord postmortem. So, I started sorting the laundry, which lead into sorting all our clothing, which lead into wiping down the bathroom. All the time not noticing that my wife was quietly pushing the panic button, contacting our friends and sliding things in my way to keep me busy. About 6hrs later we had a quiet talk. The upshoot of which is that I'm still here. I rejoined Damaged's server at my wife's urging and immediately got pile hugged.
I realized that in my idiotic attempt to avoid drama by pulling into myself, I had set off a drama nuke instead. For that, I'm truly sorry, dear reader. I was an ass.
The upshot of the matter is that I am no longer considering the big stupid. However, I am most definitely not better either. I can recognize that and I know that the situation will likely not resolve fully for awhile yet. But a lot of folks have put themselves in the path of my sliding back toward that hole. With luck that should be enough.
What are you talking?
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/761361/penalt
that is all
I'm glad to hear you didn't do it. Too many have taken the easy way out and caused those around them to suffer in their place. I may not know you personally but I'm happy to know your working on making things manageable...
Penalty, I just want to say that I'm happy that you're still with us. I know that you are going through a (vary) rough patch right now but you have a lot of people who love you and will help you ride it out. If you want to talk I'll be here.
I barely even pay attention to Damaged's server anymore; and even i noticed your departure.
I know there are no magic words that will miraculously put the sun in your sky, but damned if I am not going to at least light a candle for you.
Every moment you draw another breath is a boon to the world; you are a creator, a husband, a father, a friend and so much more to so many people, and should you draw your last the world would sorely miss you. Although my reasons are in part selfish, I am very relieved and grateful to read your blog update, even though it contains such dark payload, because it means you are already overcoming that and are there to post it.
I am very glad you're with us and will be eagerly awaiting your next update.
Glad you're alright. Or at least not dead. It's good you had someone to intervene.
Your wife is a saint, you know that right?.
Hope you get better one day, friend.
My God. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've had low periods, to the point where I had to check into a crisis center, but nothing that bad, and I don't have to deal with a heart condition. I can't imagine what that's like. I hope you get the help you need.
Hang in there, man! It does get better!
4670411
No, he is. He takes care of me, especially when my legs aren't working right.
Last night, keeping him going was the one thing I had to do. I used up so many spoons, pennies, matches, whatevs, trying to get him to realize that people give a damn, and trying to keep him going, that my legs aren't working today like they should be. My domina has read me the riot act about taking care of myself first. This is my husband we're talking about. If I have to 911, you better believe I will.
I spent the morning with an icepack on the worst spots on my back and I'm now functional. I plan on taking a nap after my set in... *counts* 30 minutes.... I need some time with my domina. Some real time. I'm working on getting Penalt some therapy too. And all the offers and support given...
If you only knew how much that means to me. ♥ He says I am his world, his love, his life, his wife. He proved again how much he gives a damn about me and the kids.