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LyraAlluse


I am a professional writer, artist, musician, website builder, and app developer. I have a Tip Jar for those who might be interested.

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Jun
7th
2017

Lyra Explains: How Computers Were Made (Humor) · 3:26pm Jun 7th, 2017

Lyra Explains: How Computers Were Made (Humor)

A well researched (lol cakes) history of computers by Lyra Alluse AKA Emma Lee Downs.

A long time ago in ancient Rome some ancient scientist type dudes were bored. So they put a bunch of wheels and cogs together into a box and did a voodoo dance.

The voodoo dance activated the cogs which turned and flipped numbers at the top of the box counting down dates. This was the world's first computer known as the Antikythera Mechanism.

However, due to some unfortunate circumstances the plans to the computer were lost. One of the scientists lost the instructions on how to build it after using them as kindling in a nearby fireplace by mistake.

This caused all of the scientists who made the first computer to rage quit their professions and become ancient hippies who complained about the Roman government but mooched off the system anyway.

The Antikythera Mechanism itself was tossed into a nearby ocean as a protest against 'the man'. No one seemed to care however as they were now a group of hippies and no one takes what hippies say serious, both in ancient Rome and the modern age.

Many years later, some random monks in a UK monastery wanted to experiment with making useless stuff to make them appreciate living a life free of possessions and worldly attachments. So one Monk by the name of Brother Bobby McBobersten put some random stuff together in a box and prayed to the Virgin Mary that it would work.

The Virgin Mary had nothing better to do, so she answered the prayer out of pity for how dumb earth people are and the world's second computer, known as The Chronovisor sprung into existence.

The second computer gave people the ability to see into the future because it was a weird holy relic type of thing. Some people found out about it and stole it shortly after it was made. They took it to Rome, where it later became property of the Vatican. The naughty bishops now uses it to cheat at gambling and laugh at the misfortune of the people around them.

This technology was lost to us for a long time until some people at a college messed around with wires and stuff and built the first modern computer. It was really big, about the size of a full room because they couldn't figure out how to do a voodoo dance or ask the Virgin Mary for help like the previous inventors had done.

The first computer had a bunch of flashing lights that didn't do anything so the scientists could trick people into thinking their computer was actually important. In reality, all it could really do was flash some light and do simple math equations.

Feeling frustrated at their failed experiment, the scientists contacted the aliens from the Zeta galaxy who we have had contact with since the Babylonians but whose existence has been covered up by all of the governments in the world to make them look important, to help us build a computer that actually works.

The aliens agreed to give us some very old technology because they reminded us that it was our responsibility to figure out how to advance technologically on our own. And also because they like laughing at our constant failures as a species.

So we got the technology from the Zebians, and for once in many thousands of years, we actually had a computer that worked and did more than just count down dates, read the future, or do simple math equations. Scientists would go on to make many advancements to this technology, usually by mistake or using alchemist trickery, or by doing the chicken dance which as everyone knows, is the most sophisticated way to bring life to technological devices.

And there you have it. That is the history of computers and how they were made. If you have any suggestions on something I should explain next, leave them in the comment section below. Have a nice day everyone and peace out.

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Comments ( 15 )

hahaha :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

How is a paper bag made?

4563164 I am glad that it could make you smile. :rainbowwild:

4563168
it makes me laugh

4563167 That is an excellent question! I shall answer it in my next blog. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask. XD

4563171 I am happy that it could make you laugh as well. XD

Ahem! Antikythera Mechanism was not invented by Romans. It was given to Greeks by the ponies of Equestria as part of the tradel exchange, Greeks got a computer and ponies received precious salt. It is agreed today that ponies got the better deal.

Also Roman hippies are known as Hippii. Originally they were a cult from Greece that worshiped Equestran ponies for the previously mentioned gift. And well we all know that Romans copied anything Greeks did. But because by the time of the Roman Republic all contact with Equestria was lost, so did influence of the Hippii. The cult still managed to survive and they were very happy when several centuries later a new computer was brought to Rome.

4563180 That's just what Celestia wants you to think. <_<

Meow.

4568292 I am happy that you approve. :rainbowkiss:

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