Clarification · 8:56am Jun 2nd, 2017
Just posting this now to get it out of the way, make sure there's no misunderstandings going forward.
I do regret posting that goodbye thing, I wish I hadn't, but it was inevitable. Stuff happened in real life, and the reason that I'd rather not provide details is because it involves my family. No one is hurt or dying, I'm not leaving under explicit duress, but I wouldn't be doing this if no one was telling me to, let me put it like that. My mother was in the room when I posted my last blog, she also saw me uninstall everything from Steam, you can draw your own conclusions from that. I'd have liked to edit it, or wait until the emotional shock of everything had subsided, but there you go.
I have not, at the time of writing, uninstalled Hearthstone or Duelyst, so I do still have some games on this machine. I've also not uninstalled Inkscape, Blender, or Synfig yet. Chances are I'll end up keeping all those around, the former two for nothing but the regular dopamine dose (because you gotta get that from somewhere, right?) and the latter because of reasons posted below. Neither of the two categories, I'm sure of keeping, but right now it's leaning towards it. I do still intend to log off on Sunday, and return on July 8th, to post the original content I'd promised.
See, thing is, while I never took commissions or requests on this site (tried that once for Pokémon adult lit, did not work out well) I did want to use my time here as a preparation for professional writing. When I promise to deliver, I deliver. When I publish a new story, it is with the express knowledge that it will be a complete story and not go on hiatus or get cancelled halfway. I developed a work ethic here, and learned to refine what my consider my core values, both things that I could not get from college alone. And my grammar did improve significantly, as well as my 'voice,' so to speak.
I don't know what I'm going to do next. I'm already noticing a decrease in motivation to do anything, I can barely look my parents in the eyes, and as for the sleeping... I'm starting to see why Zephyr Breeze was so fond of siëstas. That part, at least, was accurate: when you have no drive or goals, it can give you this persistent heavy headache that makes you want to just lie down. Part of the treatment they give you against problematic procrastination is to put everything on a schedule, to remind you of goals, to have a sense of progression. This schedule is now completely gone. It falls off in June. At least the headache recedes when I’m not thinking too hard.
Anyway, here's the crux of the issue. I am left with the following options:
-stop doing anything related to writing or art, and keep applying for jobs until I manage to land one. This would essentially be what I have been doing, but when asked “what else have you done” I'd be answering not "Learning Blender, Inkscape, you know, self-study and creative things to keep my English skills up to snuff, that sort of thing," but instead I’ll be saying "Nothing."
-go behind my family's backs and keep working on art-related things, see if I can find an employer in that. Not likely, since the animation studios here tend to work with freelancers anyway. Shit, I don't even have a portfolio to speak of.
-keep working on my novel and self-publish, again behind my family's backs. I'd have to finish the first one, and then work on the rest of the series. First hit is free, the rest... I wouldn't be able to make any money off of that, either, probably, because of how the law works here. Would also look pretty terrible to my family once they find out. And they would find out, because my tax forms land here.
-start working on other, shorter books, most likely children's literature, and get a publisher. Very unlikely, and would require way more planning and learning in Inkscape in particular, but it's not impossible. Could ask my sister for input on that. Would look bad, but not terrible.
-go in business independently. Would require a lot more learning in whichever field I pick, writing or art, and would... not sit at all well with my family, not to put too fine a point on it. That's assuming I can even find a niche in the first place. My initial idea, what I've toyed with in the late hours of the night, was to either sell realistic(ish) fursona models and/or genderbent models for people who are so inclined. I know from my brief stint in hypnosis that there is a market for people who want to see themselves as something else, and I do now have a pretty decent base mold for human faces. I don’t know anyone who’s doing this sort of thing right now. Second idea would be to specialise in fantasy animals and dinosaurs. I dunno, but I like the sound of 'Dinosaur, dragon and unicorn salesman.’ But that would likely not be viable at all, and blow up in my face. Completely unacceptable option. My family does not mix with my fandoms.
So... yeah. I know I'm doing the wrong thing, mind you. At least part of me is just doing this out of spite, or some deep-rooted martyr complex or whatever, but if I don't, then things will keep getting worse and worse until I do this. I can't be writing, or doing art, or doing anything at all, if it's not with the prospect of a job right now. More to the point, my work would suffer if I kept writing with this mental state looming over me. I'm not making the mistake of carrying my problems over to my readers. I hadn't planned to leave like this. I have more story ideas. I haven't even started covering the stuff that's happened since Starlight Glimmer entered the picture. I had a plan. I had a concept for a story all planned out to save as my last pony fanfic; a nice little wrapping-up story with Bastion, Live Wire and Whimper all in the same Diamond Tiara redemption story, it would have been great and it would have sent people to whichever next thing I'd get invested in. I wanted to have something built up, so it wouldn't matter if I did leave. Now, I got nothin'. Five years I've been on this site, writing. I couldn't even muster up the discipline to read everyone else's stuff. I'm sorry. I promised I'd get around to it eventually, and barring a site crash, I intend to do it, still, eventually. I just don’t know when.
I can't call myself a writer or an artist anymore, even a hobbyist one. None of that counts for anything, apparently. So come next job interview, I can't even say I'm doing self-study. I hope I'll be returning after July 8th. I don't want to quit for good. But if I don't quit for this timeframe, at least, I'll be getting into more trouble. So here goes.
I'll be checking the responses until Sunday, I look forward to seeing what you all think of this, regardless of whether it's positive or not.
I really don't know what to say here. Given your family's involvement, I'm not sure if I should even say anything. Maybe you could explain how cutting off these creative ventures makes you look worse in interviews? Or explain the motivation-sapping malaise that would replace these activities? I don't know. Looking at this like a problem to solve is probably the wrong approach for an outside party, but I can't help but look at it that way.
4555742
I've applied for government positions, mostly, since the usual channels don't help you when you graduate at age 25+. Now, the government uses a standard procedure, meaning questions tend to come back.
I know they will ask me what I've been doing for the past two years in between applications. My answer so far has been "Learning Blender, Inkscape, all in self-study." which, while not very helpful for a non-creative job, at least implies I'm able to follow basic schooling in new fields. Now I'm going to have to answer "Well, I'm not doing anything at the moment, actually." I've identified as a hobbyist writer and self-learning artist for five years. Quitting that now means my defining trait is just that I am unemployed, and nothing more.
When you have issues with procrastination, you work around it with scheduling. You plan ahead, get concrete goals. Gamifying things helps a lot. Meeting those goals gives you a dopamine dose, as any good thing will. Now the only thing I'd be planning is my Hearthstone and Duelyst winrates, and (currently, at least) studying for the next job interview. Which, if history is anything to go by, might be pointless.
That's the malaise right there. In creative endeavours, I can say that my time was well-spent, even if it wasn't a complete success. I can see things growing, building up, I get satisfaction from that. Fail a job interview, and all the effort put into it is wasted. Like, I kid you not, I applied for a Norwegian market analyst position (so analysing the Norwegian salmon market, not someone who is Norwegian) at Solvay once (or some chemical company, I forget which) because they were asking for people with my background and a good grasp of the English language. Seeing as I am a person with my background and my grasp of English is pretty dang tight, I figured I had a chance. Two weeks after I applied, they said "On second thought, we really need someone who speaks Norwegian. Send in your c.v. again if this applies to you."
Imagine being in that position, and actually taking the time to learn Norwegian. And then failing to get the job. And then next job you apply to, they want someone who speaks Vietnamese. You put in that effort, and at least you can say you've learned something new. It wasn't completely wasted. But when instead, you're asked to memorise the structure of a governmental organisation as well as the names of the ministers and their jurisdictions, that whole sense of "at least it was good for something" fades somewhat.
...edit: I only just realised you probably meant explaining it to my family, instead.
Disregard the whole explanation, then.
I appreciate the effort, at any rate. I feel like I'm causing needless drama here, but I don't know what else to do. I'm going to have to sit down at one point and do something, and keep doing it until things improve. And I'll have to decide for myself, because I'm getting a lot of conflicting messages and I need to make sure I understand the different sides of it beforehand. Insert theories about hypersigils here, heh
That sounds like an uncomfortable situation you're in there. I don't really have anything to say beyond meaningless platitudes, but I do hope that you figure things out and get yourself into a better position.
Sorry to hear that, though, honestly, I did have a feeling. Concentrating on getting a job does seem like a good thing at this point, but I'd suggest that another goal be finding a way to move out on your own, even if it means finding a roommate and accepting a job that you don't really want to be doing a few years from now, so you've got more independence. Then pretty much you can set your own schedule the way that works best for you.
Prioritizing finding a job and a place and so on is fine, but if you really do have to have some off time where you can do the things you want, though obviously you don't want it to consume all your time either. It's all about balance...
--arcum42