Not okay · 5:38am Feb 10th, 2017
See, I'm not actually okay, at all. I'll be okay when I'm not lying awake at night struggling to breathe as invisible hands grab at me and a hundred voices scream in my ear. Calling me names. Mocking me. Singing songs at top volume.
Except then I still won't be okay. During the day I'll be trying not to cry as I fade in and out of consciousness and have memory blackouts spanning hours. Not knowing what I've done or who I've hurt.
I'll be okay when people stop thinking I'm trying to be a jerk. I'm not. I just can't handle any of this and it's so overwhelming and I'm just so not okay.
But that won't make things okay either because nobody can fix me.
I can be optimistic and pretend everything is totally fine but it's not, it's really not. I'm not being dramatic; I'm just sick of lying by omission.
I'm not okay. Not at all. And there's nothing anyone can do.
I wish there was something I could do to help.
Somepony needs a hug, I wish I was there for you.
You don't need "fixing". You just got dealt a very shitty hand. And honestly, we don't care. Any one of use would be in a constant pissy mood if we were in your shoes. Anyone who thinks you're a jerk is really insensitive and needs to rethink their view of the situation. Ok or not, we don't care, Panda. We're always going to be there for you. We'll always be your friends. We'll always be a shoulder you can cry on. That's what we can do. I wish we could do more, but it's better than doing nothing at all. *hugz*
Panda I just saw that you requested a ban for a week and I just wanted to say that I hope you use this week to evaluate your situation and create a sense of peace with yourself because really that's always the first step. Seriously I want you to do yourself a huge favor and spend the next week just relaxing in the most comfortable place or position you can think of and tell yourself that not everything's going to turn out bad. Just because life dumps the negatives all over you it doesn't mean that now is the time to give in to it all. Your young like me and we still have plenty of life left in us so it's time to use that life and live it out to the fullest potential. Life isn't over ok as a matter of fact it's far from over
Please try and see some kind of doctor or look up your symptoms online. I really worry about you
I know how that feels. I've experienced what it's like to feel dead inside. I've experienced what it's like to feel unfixable. I still feel that way a lot of times. I know where you are. Maybe not exactly, but judging by what you described, there are a lot of similarities. I don't know if you're religious or not, but if you are, I will be praying for you. Even if things around you and things inside your head aren't okay, remember this: You have a good heart. And no matter what happens, that will always be true. I've never been good with words, but I hope this helps.