Midnight Review: this story has no name yet i'll get one later · 11:33pm Feb 6th, 2017
A Midnight Review
Hello from your neighborhood MidnightChaos, reviewing another HiE story for shits and giggles, as well the benefit of the author if I can manage it. There will be jokes, possibly memes, and some spelling and grammar corrections. Opinions and wording may be seen as offensive but I will try to tone down the level of bitter asshole I usually put into things.
this story has no name yet i’ll get one later by Discordofchaos
No, this is not some sick joke, this is the current name for this story. I am fairly certain the only reason it even got put up is because the writer used Auto Approval, and woooo. This name is so lazy, a Snorlax could outdo it. The writer, Discordofchaos, definitely needs a lot of help.
2 Likes, 17 Dislikes, 11 Comments, 54 Views
Normally, I wouldn’t add this, but I felt it was important to note that it’s already got this bad of a ratio and only has 54 views. To quote the person in the comments and the one who asked me to review this… garbage:
I didn’t think anything could show this level of lazy, but boy was I mistaken.
Logan is a powerful mage that goes to investigate dark magic he ends up in equestria after a portal spell goes wrong. what could go wrong.
This is another fic I might just tear into, and do so unintentionally. I am absolutely appalled by the actual lack of effort put into this. The fact grammar and capitalization seem to be almost completely ignored holds little to no promise for this travesty. I am so sorry for this author, and lords above, I hope they read this and learn from it. As for this “long” description, the first bit could work as the short description, and the “What could go wrong?” is done more than a mexican prostitute.
Target in site moving in. Logan your job was to safely find the dark magic signature and report back. Your life is more important than satisfying your addiction to battle.
Oh but where is the fun in recon if I can’t have a little fun it’s not like I’m going on a full scale attack. But just so I don’t have hear about it from East I will not kill them.
Fine but if East finds out about this it’s your head not mine she will have.
What in the sweet name of Merlin. What the hells even IS this? I feel like I just downed seven pot brownies and watched a purple flying space monkey write this out. And that’s just from the pot! Disclaimer:The reviewer is not actually high.
I have no idea even what this. It lacks literally everything but content, whatever the hell the content it. Is this dialogue? Is it a character’s thoughts? I have absolutely nothing to tell me, aside from the fact that it reads like dialogue. Everything about this has thrown me for a loop, and is starting to remind me of The Speed evolved. It reads like roleplay.
Who even is East? I only known Logan is a battle mage or some crap from the description!
Fine fine I don’t care I just what a fight that will last longer 1 minute.
So longer the sex for you?
One how do you know two why do you know and last who told you?
Well let’s see in the past 3 years you dated a shewolf, elf, and a dark elf I’ve talked to all of them and as for the why I’m your brother it’s my job.
Well Josh I you should stay out of my love life it’s not good for your health and you mis counted I dated a succubus one time but that was only for the sex nice girl I’ll have to find her number again.
...Everything is wrong. Everything. I have no way to start other than that, after skimming the rest of the chapter, this is how it reads all the way through. Grammar and spelling errors abound more than jackrabbits or squirrels. And, how does sex even come into play here? HOW OLD IS THIS WRITER.
Apparently this is a classic fantasy world I have little to no clue about and get only the base information. And, what the actual hell is this. The character is talking about doing it with a succubus and, apparently, talking to his brother named Josh. Do you even know what context or paragraphs are? I get a strong suspicion that you aren’t a native english speaker.
Just get back to your kill or whatever.
Oh yeah almost forgot. Logan jumped from his hiding spot and yelled this is a raid get on the fucking ground now or I will turn this place in to a pile of ash.
A man in a dark blue robe yelled stop him don’t let him near the portal. Kill him.
Wow it’s 30 to 1 this is so unfair you need about 100 times as many mages to go up against me so GET OUT OF MY WAY. The room exploded with energy. Well now that that’s over what is this portal go to hm?
What the hell just happened. There was context added in between bits of dialogue. This reads severely like a roleplay involving a bunch of eleven year olds and SANIC the HEDGEHAG. It’s just completely and utterly wrong. In fact, this crap happened twice and I actually had to stop and stare.
It’s a morbid mixture of horrible and fascinating.
No stay away from that it’s not ready yet!
So were do’s it go when it’s done?
The land of the gods we were going to take the power of gods for ourselves and destroy this world and rebuild it with no magic but ours.
Ok I’ll destroy it and stop all those plans now. God of the end I hold your ace now give me your power to end this.
No you can’t the portal will be unstable!
To late ragnarok!
Do you know what you just did?!
...So, not only do we get this mess, but we also get stereotypical crazy cults. I will give you this, it could be interesting if you built this up and expanded it into a full sized chapter as the prologue instead of whatever the hell it is I’m reading, 1,500 words of. Also, why the mention of the Norse end of the world?
I just blow up your portal and put an end of your plans anything I missed?
No just made an unstable portal that could go anywhere and now in’s going to suck this area up.
Oh well errors have been made.
Logan and hand full of the rogue mage were suck into the portal and sent to their new destination.
Fuuuuuuuuuck! Logan fell in to a castle on the side of a mountain and landed in the night watch barracks in the bed of a bat pony. Wow that could have hurt oh and who might you be?
...Yeah, you missed an actual buildup that would have made me care. And, damn straight errors have been made, errors are everywhere in this and it kills me. This could have been moderately interesting, but now it’s just a pool of absolutely horrendous goo.
Here we have another perfect instance of sweet, sweet-
I am first Sargent Night Rider and what are you doing in my bed recruit?
Well I’m not a recruit and as for the bed just thought I’d drop in ha that’s good I should wright that down.
Ok then why are you here if you’re not a recruit then what are you doing here?
As I just said I fell in portals are nasty thing to deal with ow my ace is back that was faster the most time fun.
You are one mad pony everypony knows that only Pegasus can fly and you don’t look like a unicorn.
I’m not a pony 2 are you single names Logan by the way?
What!? Night’s face went bright red.
More and more errors, and more and more things to make me sob. This is absolutely horrifying to read. Also, is Logan still human, is the pony humanized? What is even happening? ...I’m still fascinated though. I literally can’t stop reading.
Well I just ask because you in just a night gown I’m in your bed and I don’t know if that means much to you but for me that’s a challenge or sex witch ever comes first.
Night looked down at her gown and said eep and ran to the changing room. She came out 5 minutes later dressed in a PT outfit.
You still haven’t answered the question are you single?
Yes, I’m single but no I will not sleep with you!
No need to yell it is the night time you’ll wake everyone up and it was a joke. I never get to use this line but take me to your leader.
Alright but behave yourself she is the princess and she can have you kill if you say the wrong thing.
Well killing unlikely many have tried no could and as for behaving I’ll think about it.
Sex Witch? Wow, that seems like a really cool profession. Can we see more of those? Also, how the fucking hell does it take her this long, and I’m going to assume she’s humanized because these actions don’t make sense for a pony. HOW DOES THE CHARACTER EVEN KNOW WHAT A PT UNIFORM IS?
...I feel sorry for this pony, because she might actually be retarded. Why hasn’t she called for backup, and why is she okay with him hitting on her? And… sex-crazed MC? Great, you’re making me hate myself.
“Take me to your leader” and “I never get used to this line”. What. What. What. When have you this before? Why is a soldier okay with taking him to Celestia? I’m fairly certain she could kill him and I’m hoping she does.
As they waked down the hall Logan keep seeing the same person standing by doors. Didn’t we just we just pass him like 2 minutes ago?
No all the guards have a spell on them to make them look the same only high ranked guards have different apareons but some of us are just lucky. Look we’re here now again please none of that childish action.
I promise nothing. As he burst thought the door to say a larger woman in white outfit and wings and a horn. Why hello I hope I’m not interrupting anything.
A man with blond hair and a horn and saw Logan and yelled for the guards. Guards get this monster out of the throne room at ones it is interrupting my meeting with my aunt. 10 guards surrounded Logan pointing spears at him. A man with blue hair and gold armor and walked up to Logan. Hmm you don’t look like much of a threat I suggest you leave at ones.
I will give you this, at least you touch on the guards looking the same, but it doesn’t make up for anything so far. However, the given explanation feels like you took and squeezed seven children into a suitcase and mailed them to Africa. And, what the fuck in hell is a “apareon”. This is spelled so wrong, I’m not sure I can get this. Unless you mean epsilons, however, I’m fairly certain you don’t because every website doesn’t define it how you’re using this. Epaulets? Aprons?
To quote Jontron: BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. WHAT’S THAT? OH JUST THE YOU-CANT-MAKE-THIS-SHIT-UP-ALARM.
I am willing to make an actual bet that Logan starts hitting on Celestia at some point in this chapter. No joke. Anyways, this entire paragraph is just wrong. It combines multiple people speaking into one paragraph and makes me question if Logan said the “Well hello…” bit out loud. Pretty sure he did.
I like you you’re the first person to stand up to me in year only Easy and Josh do. But I will give you a choice fight me one on one or stand aside I’m only here to talk to the leader of these lands but please chose option one I do love a good fight.
I will not stand down from a challenge and you may not speak with Princess Celestia without proper paper work so get ready for a fight.
Logan pulled a pure black blade out of the air and the blue haired guy pulled out a gold sword they ran at each other at full speed Logan easily overwhelmed his opponent and had his blade at the man’s throat. Night’s voice yelled out Logan what did I say about behaving by the moon I’m not around for a second and you get into a fight with the caption of the day guards. I’m very sorry about this princess this um I never got what species are you Logan.
It’s human but that’s only half right.c
...Easy? Oh, wait, do you mean East, the character that never actually appeared and was only briefly mentioned making us forget about them rather quick? Also, this character’s ego is as big as The Sinestro Joker’s or DisplacerofEquestrias’s egos. He’s cocky and unrelatable.
“Proper paper work”? I have to admit, you’ve surprised me because I can actually see this being a thing. No, seriously, this is a good idea and I give you kudos.
However, you go straight back into Gary territory. This entire fight scene is completely garbage, in fact, it’s worse than most of the ones I’ve written and that’s saying something. The fact it’s only two lines is even more dissapointing.
However why does Night start questioning what his species and why does she interrupt? What reason does she have to care if he dies or gets his arse kicked?
How is human half-right? Is he also part elf or some other crap?
Whatever this human just came to our world through a portal and he wishes to ask you questions if that is alright with you.
Celestia walked up to Logan and said you may ask your question but I would like it you wouldn’t beat up my guards.
Well I didn’t really have a question I know all I need to know I’m not on Earth or not my Earth seeing as you’re not anything I’ve seen before and the dark mage did say something about other worlds if you want I will answer yours go ahead ask.
Ok for starters what are you?
Human or at least half. Next.
What do you mean by half?
Hm not telling. Next.
...She’s just perfectly okay with this? Are you serious? No, he’s black. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.
Also, this is started in an AU Earth? That’s actually kind of disappointing. By the by, I assume you mean the guy way earlier that got pissed when Logan broke whatever he broke? And, pushing “I’m half human” is just stupid and really messes with the rest of the content. No one is going to take rotten bait.
Ok fine where do you come from?
Well when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much they have sex and a baby is born about 9 months after.
That was not what I was asking.
Oh, ok well I’m from a world called earth fun times.
Final question I sense dark magic from you can you tell me why?
I didn’t earn my title of west from just mastering the lighter form of magic.
What is this west title?
It means I’m the strongest being in the west theirs a girl who hold the title of east and she is strongest in the east but we’ll get into that later for now I need sleep hey Night what to share.
...I both chuckled and facepalmed at this joke. It definitely puts this in a lighter mood and is going to help me finish this, but it’s also poorly told.
“Earth fun times”... Are. Are you serious? Did you seriously call the world that? Is that it’s legitimate name? You have to be joking. Even Earth.19 or some shit would make more sense and be less worthy of me questioning existence.
...How convenient is that mention. It’s like you put it there only for this next scene…
...Moderate amounts of world-building followed by hefty loads of cringe. I can’t believe this next scene takes place, it’s just jarring as fuck. Not only that, it’s kind of smoothly inserted. However, again, it’s not appropriate and could be discarded.
By the moon goddess almighty no!
The blue haired man said ouch shot down man by the way names Shining Armor and you are the most skill fighter I’ve seen I would like to ask you to show me how you fight if you are willing?
Sounds fun never had an apprentice before but just know I wont go easy on you.
There is a saying among the guards what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I think I’m dying inside. This scene is just wrong on so many levels, I don’t think I even need to point out why it’s wrong. The fact it’s said by Shining Armor makes it all the more horrifying. Please send help.
Good word training starts in 1 week.
Why a week why not tomorrow?
I feel darkness coming and I need to be ready Celestia you look so pale what’s the matter?
Nothing it’s just that’s the day of the summer sun celebration.
Ok I don’t know what that is but sounds fun where can I sleep?
I can take you to one of the guest room Shining said.
*dry laughter* I really like how you foreshadow NMM, it’s almost like you’re doing it subtly,
. I think I’ve used enough jontron reaction memes and videos. Anyways, I think we’re done here.
This fic holds a minor amount of promise in the ideas we can see here and there, but it’s extremely poorly executed. I think this author needs some heavy amounts of advice, so go make suggestions to him. I’ve already said what I think.
God, this thing was...
I believe the correct phrase is, "Kill it with fire."
What did I just read?
4413792
Mild amounts of cancer
4413793 How the hell did this get approved?
4413795
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Dear god, what in hell was this review analyzing?
Was this a trollfic? A sophisticated one, meant to lure the fools deeper into its maws while torturing them like the spiky tentacles from Discord's garden?
Or even worse...was this a genuine attempt?