CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #29 — The Mage and the Filly Fair · 6:31am Dec 30th, 2016
Title: The Mage and the Filly Fair
Author: Fahrenheit
Found via: I don’t remember (why do I even include this section?)
Short summary: A highlight reel of Sunset Shimmer’s life: her days in magic kindergarten, her entrance exam, her schism with Princess Celestia... All punctuated by visits from a certain mysterious stallion, who tells her of prophecies and portents of greatness. Just not her greatness.
The Title/Description: This description suffers a bit from being too focused. It gives a sense of a specific part of the story, rather than a sense of the story as a whole. I suppose it isn’t inaccurate, but it didn’t feel like it matched the story to me.
The title is adequate: like so many others, it’s neither entirely generic nor particularly memorable.
Genre(s): Character Piece
What does this story do well?: This story’s strongest point is its characters. A character piece needs to have strong characterization to get anything done, and I think this story succeeds in that regard. The characterization of Sunset is archetypal, but effective, it matches what we see in the show while still adding little details. I particularly liked the way it shows her as a child. Children are hard to write well, but I think filly Sunset is just the right mix of precocious child and bookish academic.
While Celestia and other ancillary characters receive limited screentime, I think the story also does a good job of characterizing them. Celestia only gets a few brief scenes, but we get a lot of sense of her character in every one. The mysterious stranger only gets one real moment of characterization, but it effective despite its brevity.
The story also uses perspective to amplify its character moments. The story is in Sunset’s perspective, but it’s subtle about it. Aside from some parts of her internal monologue, the perspective is most noticable in the way Celestia is portrayed. As Sunset gets older and her relationship with Celestia changes, there are subtle narrative touches to accentuate it. Sunset’s initial reaction to/description of Celestia and the final one are quite different, but the story shifts between them gradually.
Finally, there are several scenes in the story which use intentionally brusque language to good effect. Finding the right amount of description to use on something is always tricky. I think my favorite scene was the one where Sunset uses a spell to ask the stars a question. The force of their response is described only briefly, but it is more than enough.
Where could this story improve?: This story has one major flaw: the pacing. I understand that this is supposed to read like a sort of highlight reel of Sunset’s life, only focusing on the important parts. But the narrative is constructed awkwardly. There are numerous time skips, but sometimes they are spaced close together and other times they are very far apart. The opening scene is the longest, but it also feels like the least happens in it. Other scenes (like Sunset’s entrance exam) are so brief that they feel under-explored or superfluous.
This is especially noticeable in the ending. While this is a story about pre-canon Sunset Shimmer (and thus it can only have one real ending point), The way the ending arrives, and the things the story chooses to focus on during and after the climax, all feel a bit awkward. It’s a bit strange that a story about Sunset Shimmer ends with a scene about Celestia (although it’s not necessarily inappropriate).
While I mentioned the abrupt descriptions as a strength above, at other times they only serve to highlight the haphazard pacing. Some descriptions are more flowery, and some are intentionally straightforward. The non-uniform narrative style can be a valid stylistic choice (especially in a character piece that covers a wide timeframe), but here I felt that it only highlighted the awkward pacing.
In a single sentence: A good character piece with very choppy pacing.
Verdict: Upvote. This is yet another story that is hard to apply a rating to. The strong characters do a good job of carrying the story, but the narrative built around them is paced awkwardly. The story feels like it sputters to a halt rather than has a satisfying conclusion, but then it is supposed to act as a prequel to canon.
Regardless of its flaws, I did enjoy it. It feels shorter than its word count suggests, and it is lacking some big-picture polish. But it does have strong characters and characterization, and I enjoyed it in that aspect.
I often wish I knew when, why and how I found various pieces I review. :B
4361362 I always note it when I add the story to my RIL, then promptly forget. I considered making a separate RIL shelf depending on where I found the story, but that'd be a pointlessly large amount of effort
4361373
I'll occasionally leave myself notes, but that doesn't work with bookshelves because yes, inordinate amount of work. :B