Moment of weakness · 5:21am Nov 21st, 2016
The title says it all, people. After some time reading things somewhere that made me look inward to confront some unpleasant facts about myself, (Even reading about Bojack Horseman on Tvtropes alone is enough to illicit this) I just need to vent for a bit. Please bear with me.
I don't like opening up about personal stuff about myself online, but I do need to get some thing off my chest. To put things in context, I will have to take a walk down memory lane back to my high school days. Let's just say that while I loved the school and the people who run it, I absolutely despised the students. While I went there for relatively unique reasons, the bulk of students who attend Logos School are basically the kind of kids who really have nowhere else to turn. Raging autistics, the mentally handicapped, drug addicts, alcoholics, underage smokers, even people with a criminal history. Police visits were and probably still are not uncommon. And in such a hostile environment, I was forced to harden my heart and close out my surroundings at most times. I suffered several emotional meltdowns due to the sheer stress that built up during those five years. There were even a number of particularly vile students I genuinely silently wished death upon. I never had a friend in that school through all those five years solely because how I absolutely could not stand any of them.
Those times I have related to Twilight Sparkle due to her initial aversion to making friends? Yeah, you can blame that on spending five years in a school that routinely discouraged me from socializing and making friends due to my first choices being the kind of people I would rather see dead. Joining DeviantART was my first step in breaking out of that shell and learning to reach out and talk to people, but... And I really don't like making excuses, but I'm more than convinced that my years in high school damaged my ability to socialize and become self sufficient. For several years after graduation, I made minimal progress and only finally started getting better this past year after admitting I had a problem and sought help. Things have gotten better and I am now happily employed and even managed to meet up with a former colleague I barely remembered, but who remembered me and had good things to say about me back from the one year we shared at Logos. So thing are getting better.
However, as things stand now and how things look in the near future, I don't have high hopes. At least not for myself. I still lament how I took far too long to start taking steps to making more progress for myself. I regret that I waited until I turned 28 to get help instead of when I was 23. And next year, I turn 30 and genuinely am not sure if I feel it. Another thing that I have discovered about myself is that I seem to be what is called an anti-nihilist. I'm all too aware of how shit this world is, but do all I can to distract myself from it to stay happy and, to further ends, make others happy. If anything, I am more interested in bringing joy to others than myself. And ironically enough, it was My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic that made me take a second hard look at this world and see the stark contrast between it and the wonderful world of Equestria. That may be part of the reason why I even started writing The Lost Element in the first place.
What I am getting at here is that even for all my shortcomings, I take some comfort in knowing that my writings have pleased so many people and even helped and inspired some. And I want to keep doing that. Even if I don't amount to much in the end, I want all of you to strive for good things. You are the force that drives me and I want to continue to inspire others.
I hope I never have an existential crisis like this again, but I felt the need to share this. To everyone who took the time to read this to the end, you have my thanks. To everyone who is still standing by me, you have even more than my thanks. Have a cute bird video to help lift the mood and to help us look ahead and hope for a bright future.
I'm here for you, I wont ditch you or be cruel. And I think you have a fair few others who think the same.
Im here for you as well your writing has helped me through some tough times.
Well, you know my story. I'm not going anywhere, anytime soon.
-Ru
i was and always will be your supporter ever since i read your story! i stand with you till the end!
yea, yea, it's like facing your fears, but sometimes those fears and hatred you felt at school might haunt ya. so tread carefully! 
though i'm kinda concerned for ya: do you think that walking down your memory lane is a good idea?
Just take a little time to yourself and you'll be fine
Like Ru, you know where I stand, and there I will stay. Working on the rest of the first chapter's review, but I will admit that it is a lot. I may never finish the review of the first book until the story is done, but I will try my damnedest.
Jul, Zu'u hind hi siiv drem ko hin laas, ko tiid.
This above you see, is my prayer for you, and your name. Jul. I think it quite nice, mysterious. Pronounce it how you will, but know if you want to know how it is said, it is "y-uh-ll".
Either way, we hope to inspire you in turn, bolaav mu fin miiraad wah aak hi.
That last part means "let us help you", more or less. If us being supportive of your work and of you is enough, ful kos nii, so be it.
Dang, sorry about all that. When I was young, I couldn't find anything or anyone to turn to. My parents were kind and compassionate, but I felt it was lacking something. Let me tell you, it was hard, but I finally made my idols, Optimus Prime, and the US military soldiers. Those who strive to fight for freedom, but would still keep open minds for sentient life. Optimus Prime is my idol, and so are the US soldiers. They both give me hope for America's future.
Yeah I think I'm a bit like you then, I too care more about others happiness than my own and don't really want to live in this world if it weren't for my friends and family I don't know if I would, although I don't think I have been through anything like you have I feel this way because of the things I have seen and heard about happening to others. I just hope you have or find something to keep you going like I do.