Where Fun Goes (Potentially Last Blog) (Kinda Long) · 2:07am Aug 7th, 2016
I have been thinking. Thinking a lot, actually. From this thinking has come things both productive and destructive, but there has been a common theme in both sides: my writing. See, over my time on here writing pony-related content, I've had ups and downs - like anyone else. However, I feel that there was a cutoff where writing ponies was no longer as fun as it once was. After I wrote and perhaps during the writing of Of War and Ponies, things changed. Those that have been following me for a while will know that it was around that time when I started getting romantically involved with others, which started a cycle of unhealthy and less-than-ideal relationships. Do I attribute this to my decrease of enjoyment? Maybe, but it's hard to tell. One thing is certain, however: it's not fun, anymore.
Before anyone gets mad, here me out. I don't like to disappoint people. Sometimes that leads to me dragging things out for the sake of others when I'm sick of it, myself. That being said, I had garnered a small following by the time War and Ponies came out, so I felt that if I quit, I'd leave people hanging, something I wouldn't dream of doing. This lead to me trying to write when I had no intention or drive for doing so, and you've all seen how that turned out; I can keep up the facade for a chapter, but after that, I can't bring myself to write the rest. Due to the very dysfunctional relationship I was in at the time and my general frustration with myself, I wrote Dealing With Heretics. Looking back, I'm not sure I'd want to write something like that ever again; though the subject matter is fascinating, actually writing a piece of that nature was both a liberating and horrifying experience. Perhaps that was the catalyst to this cycle, but I'm not sure. The process started with Housecarl's Journey, and soon Space Puppets, Billybob, and Cobblestones joined the list. As you can imagine, I didn't like that I couldn't finish anything I wrote for a long period of time. This lead to a hearty amount of self destructive tenancies that prevented me from getting down even a sentence without ripping it to shreds in my mind.
For the longest time, I figured it was all in my head; just improve my self confidence and everything will get better and I can go back to writing ponies. When I wrote Stay the Night, I felt I may have gotten my groove back. However, when I tried writing Black Sun Nation, it became apparent after the first chapter that the cycle hadn't ended. Thus, another fic joined the indefinite hiatus group. Once I finally wrote a story that hit the featured box (Princess Problem), my confidence in my writing was pretty high, though I couldn't understand why I still didn't want to write ponies after that. It only occurred to me a week or so ago that maybe, just maybe, my self esteem was only part of the problem and that the other was the subject matter, itself.
Yes, I'm saying that ponies - or at least writing ponies - is the problem.
Once that thought occurred, denial immediately kicked in. It couldn't possibly be ponies. They're so pure, innocent, and amazing, why would I get tired of writing about them? The truth is, I don't get the same feeling I used to when writing them during my first few fics. It was fun then, and I didn't care about the ratings; I just wanted to write stuff for people to read. Now I go over every word with a fine-tooth comb, searching for errors that aren't there. As far as a hobby is concerned, that's not healthy. Since there's nothing in this for me other than likes or the kind words of internet strangers, why should I put myself through something I've grown to dislike for little in return? Again, this is a hobby, and when you no longer find enjoyment in a hobby, why continue? Don't get me wrong, I still like ponies and the show, but ponyfics have gone sour for me, and I think it's near time to hang up my Fimfic apron. I'll still be on here and talk to people, of course, but writing pony content for the foreseeable future is no longer possible.
If I have upset anyone by making this decision, I hope you can forgive me. It's nothing personal, I just can't keep up the facade any longer. Also, this isn't me saying that I'll give up writing - far from it! I'll just work on my own things - things I have complete creative freedom with.
Thank you to all of those that have followed me throughout the years; it means a lot that my words have the power that they do to people I don't even know.
If you see this as a sad occasion, here's an final song for you:
Or if you see this a joyous occasion, here's an alternative:
Sincerely,
-Crysis Commander (Ethan)
Are you leaving the site, too? :(
4136200
Nah, dude. I'll still be here and talk to people. I just won't write horsewords.
4136203
Okay. Would hate to lose you! Good luck with your original projects. :D
I know the feeling, believe me. It's part of why I'm starting to dabble in writing human and furry stories. I do still love writing horse words, but it's nice to take a break every now and then to let your creative side recharge.