ITS TEASER TIME! · 2:00am Jul 8th, 2016
Alright its TEASER TIME!!!!!
WARNING!!! This chapter will contain dark and possible M rated themes. Such as Character death, graphic detail, blood and most of all psychological torture. Since this story is not going to always warrant a dark tag I will simply tell you when said points come up. However while these themes may come up, this chapter is Vital to understanding any other chapters afterwards. Please enjoy!
Darkness... That is all that Twilight sparkle could see when she opened her eyes. She pushed her self up into a sitting position Nothing as far as the eye could see, she looked around wondering were she was and how she got here. She looked around once more and once again seeing nothing, before hearing something's voice from behind her.
"Well well what do we have here? A pathetic little disillusioned filly that's what." The voice, or rather voices as it sounded like four or five creatures were talking at once all saying the same thing getting quieter and quieter with each one, whispered in her ear. "I'm going to take my time with you young one. By the time this is over you shall know true terror. Hehehehahahahaha!" The voice cackled as Twilight felt her self becoming drowsy and before she knew it she was sound asleep...
When Twilight next woke up she found her self just outside the gate to canterlot, the guards that were usually posted there mysteriously gone. As she took a step inside of the great city, she found that it was seemingly deserted. She saw nopony at the stands or the fountains or anywhere. Though she was a bit shaken Twilight pressed on deciding to go to the palace to try and find Celestia. But before she could take one step, she heard the ear piercing scream of mare. Twilight ran towards the source of the sound only to find it lead her to her parent's home. She quickly threw open the door and stepped inside. The inside was trashed with furniture turned over and things strewn about the place like a tornado had come through the humble little home. The clocks however drew Twilight's interest. They were all stuck on the same time, one that Twilight was very aware the meaning of six minutes and six seconds past six o'clock. Six six six the hour of the beast.
Since no one was down stairs Twilight decided to look upstairs starting with her old room. The door to her childhood room gave a high pitched Creeek as she slowly opened the door. When the door fully opened, Twilight was presented with quite a shocking sight. The lights were off so she couldn't a lot but then she saw a form and when she recognized who it was she was shocked to the core. It was her, just... sitting there her back turned to the door. Before she could take a step inside, the other twilight turned her head and what she saw instilled terror within her very soul...
This thing's mouth was filled with dagger like teeth, it's eyes were a glossy white yet she felt like they were staring at her, into her very soul. It's horn was covered in a red lightning that was sparking off of it at random times, the same red lighting also radiated from it's throat. It gave a guttural growl that made Twilight step back before speaking in the same voice she heard before showing up here.
"Well it seams you heard the scream of your poor poor mother, though I must say you are quite late." It said confusing twilight even more. What is this thing talking about? She thought to herself. The creature then lit it's horn with magic causing the room to be filled a eerie blood red light. It was then that Twilight saw beyond the creature that was staring at her to what was just past it. Her mother's severed head...
Twilight nearly threw up at the sight of her mother's head on a spike, her face a mixture of terror, pain, and tears. The blood dripped from it and hit the floor... Drip, Drip, Drip Then the head's face softened before it spoke... "It's all your fault... YOUR FAULT!" It screamed in her mother's voice but slowed down and distorted. Twilight ran from the house, her mind filled with fear and panic, as the tears streamed down her face, she headed for the palace once again, to find Celestia.
"Hehehehahahahaha! Yes run! Run to your precious princess! Hahahaha!" The voices screamed with a maniacal glee, With her heart beating at a hundred miles a second, Twilight ran as fast as she could towards the castle.
As Twilight approached the gate to the castle, she saw that on top of the arch of the gate were several severed heads of guards.
Aren't I just the worst?
Overall, I thought that was good. You had some nice description at times and I wouldn't say no to reading more. To improve, I thought that you told us what was happening too much.
For example:
Telling me that Twilight sees something shocking isn't as effective as the enigma that you could create by withholding information.
By telling the audience everything, we aren't left with any questions The audience isn't engaged at all. To "fix" something like that, consider leaving the audience time to guess.
Twilight's magic gripped the door weakly, her magical hold edged the door slowly forwards as she inched closer to knowing the truth of what had truly happened.
That's when she saw it, lying in the darkness. At first, her eyes strained to make out the details. It couldn't be the same pony...it had to be somepony else! She knew she recognised the features. Even in her shocked state, there was no mistaking this pony for anyone else. She knew that lavender coat and the purple mane. If that wasn't enough, the familiar horn bursting through the fringe was the dead giveaway.
It was truly unmistakeable. It was Twilight.
The other qualm I had was incredibly minor but I still suggest you give it a look!
I'd change things to something else. It just seems like there's a lack of knowledge when I try to envision the room in my head. I get that it's messy, but it never hurts to throws us that extra bit of description so we know what is going on.
In terms of general tips, you certainly did the right thing coming here. There will always be someone willing to do some proofreading for you if you sell your story well enough.
Looking forward to reading the actual thing if you do post it! Thanks for putting up with my wall of text, I hope you found it useful!
4076452 Thanks!
Oops, forget the last part of my post where I mention "you did the right the right thing coming here".
I initially wrote that post on the school for new writers page but the thread was locked when I attempted to post my terrifying wall of text.
I copy 'n' pasted my thing. Don't hate me.
4076462 eh its fine
4076465 Cheers, hope I helped you. I'm writing on my phone and the keyboard is less than helpful for writing long posts