5) · 7:24pm Jun 5th, 2016

"We Are! (Remix)" - TVXQ (One Piece opening 10)

Welcome to my weekly anime blog! Each week, I will comment on what I have watched since the last posting. The tokusatsu section of this blog is hereby discontinued until further notice for various reasons.

Beginning this week, the majority of this blog's content will be Naruto Shippuden recaps, as I have decided to make catching up on Naruto my main priority for a while. I'll still be following weekly anime, but backlog stuff is taking a backseat to ninja goodness. Which means I'm also scaling back on my One Piece a little bit for now (but not stopping it entirely).

The blog is broken into two sections: This Season's New Anime and Returning and Completed Anime, which for the immediate foreseeable future will chiefly be Naruto Shippuden, with only the weekly episodes of Detective Conan and Lucky Star added on.

SPRING 2016 ANIME
Here are the new Spring 2016 anime I'm following.

SailorMoon Crystal Season III

(Editor's note: Whoever's subbing SMC at Crunchyroll did a shit job on last week's episode and an even worse job on this one. Seriously, I've seen Dattebayo (back around 10 years ago!) put out 2-hour-after-air speedsub rushes that were better than this.)

When last we left off, Hotaru had just transformed into Mistress Nine and stolen Chibiusa's Ginzuishou, and Chibiusa had stopped breathing...

At the hospital, Usagi, Mamoru, and the Inner Senshi look on helplessly as Chibiusa dies.

The Outer Senshi arrive, and surmise that Chibiusa's soul was stolen. Usagi asks if that means Sailor Saturn killed her. The Outers tell her Sailor Saturn hasn't awakened yet. Haruka says the only way to save Chibiusa is to kill Hotaru, who is no longer Hotaru, but a Vessel being used by the Deathbusters.

The Inner Senshi have come in line with the Outers' thinking and are now ready to kill Hotaru to save Chibiusa and the world in general. Mamoru advocates taking Chibiusa's dead, cooling body back to his place while they fight to get her soul back.

Because, you know, hospitals just release a dead child's body to two teenagers without questioning it. Yeah, let's go with that.

Have I mentioned lately what an absolutely terrible writer Takeuchi is?!

Here's an example of how bad the subbing is on this title:

Mamoru: "I'll use my body as a life-support device to let Chibi-Usa's body alive."

Earlier, when referring to resuscitating her after getting her soul back, they used the word "relive". I shit you not. Someone needs to check the quality here.

Anyway, Mamoru links his own lifeforce to Chibiusa's body to stave off decay and permanent brain damage (which is what the subs SHOULD have said), then tells Usagi to go with the others to get back Chibiusa's soul and the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou.

Meanwhile, Mistress 9, who finally bothered to put some clothes on, is complaining about how small and limiting her body is. Even though she's pretty much as tall as Sailor Pluto now. Professor Tomoe and Kaolinite arrive and kneel before her. Professor Tomoe says that he has been waiting for the day Mistress 9 would awaken, and had feared "the egg he implanted in Hotaru's body would remain undifferentiated".

Oh god, the subbing fails.

Within Mistress 9, Hotaru's still-conscious mind thinks, "So that's what happened..."

Mistress 9 thanks Kaolinite for her loyal service to the Master...and demotes her, sending her off to deal with the Sailor Senshi. She then presents the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou to Master Pharaoh 90, while inwardly contemplating its warm and soothing shine, wondering what causes it to okay yeah whatever, basically she's confused by it, and inside her mind, Hotaru tells her that it's protected by the pure and beautiful soul of Chibiusa.

Hahahahahaha, Chibiusa's soul, pure and beautiful? Sure! Let's pretend we believe that.

Kaolinite takes a page out of Doctor Wily's book and resurrects the Witches 5 to "put a forever unbreakable curse" on the Sailor Senshi.

The Senshi arrive at Mugen Gakuen, which has flat out transformed into an evil lair. Sailor Mercury helpfully informs us that "abnormal power is swirling domically".

Okay, conceding the point that that is a real word? It's...not really a word anyone uses, and it just looks stupid here.

Upon entering Mugen Gakuen, the Senshi are separated by the magic of Cyprine and Ptilol, cast into the "Infinite Labyrinth" where they must each fight one of the resurrected Witches 5.

Takuechi must've been playing Rockman back when she wrote this chapter.

First up is Sailor Mars, who is attacked and sexually assaulted by Eudial.

Next is Sailor Mercury, who's distracted by a massive supercomputer that gives her a creamy nerdgasm. Viluy appears and tries to brainwash Mercury into abandoning her duties in order to study more.

Mimete draws Sailor Venus into a trap of stardom and adoration, giving her a chance to be a pop idol with hundreds of cheering fans.

Sailor Jupiter falls victim to Telulu's trap of...roses. Surrounded by dozens of rare breeds of hybrid roses, Jupiter has a massive florgasm and decides to spend the rest of her life in the roses.

And Sailor Moon...

Is shown an illusion of everyone she cares about hating her and quitting on her, including Chibiusa trying to strangle her, the Outer Senshi offering to help Chibiusa kill her, and Mamoru swearing to kill her, Chibiusa, and Hotaru.

But Usagi isn't so weak-willed, and immediately summons the Heart Moon Rod to destroy the illusions with Moon Spiral Heart Attack.

Meanwhile, the Outers are fighting vines.

Usagi presses forward, and comes across her friends, who are in reality all stuck to a giant glue trap. The Witches 5 appear as a group to finish her off. Neptune sees this with her Deep Aqua Mirror, and the Outers decide to rush to her aid. Just as Sailor Moon is in deep shit, Neptune kills the Witches 5 with one shot, and Pluto frees the Inners from the glue trap.

At last, the eight Sailor Senshi are united as a team. With the power of eight hearts and eight souls joined as one, Sailor Moon is able to call forth the Chalice once again and become Super Sailormoon.

Once Super Sailormoon finishes transforming, Neptune helpfully informs the team that "It's in up floor."

It's a damn good thing THEY understood that, because they all head up to the Principal's Office on the 60th floor, where they confront Kaolinite, who transforms into a much less sexy demon beast. The Senshi defeat her, then begin their search for Hotaru.

My single biggest complaint about SailorMoon Crystal (and the manga) is that fights end way too abruptly. I mean, the Sailor Senshi either curbstomp whatever they're fighting, or they get curbstomped. There's no middle ground. No real struggle. It's terrible.

Anyway, the episode ends with Mistress Nine swallowing the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou.

Oh, and this week we get a Tuxedo Kamen ending. Fabulous tuxedo dancing!

Netoge

Time for another week in the life of an average gamer/slacker and his yandere girlfriend/wife! When last we left off, Hideki had defeated a notorious hacker/scammer, gotten his character and items back, and remarried Ako in Legendary Age with all their friends attending. (Seems like a happy ending, doesn't it?)

In order to catch Ako up on her summer homework, the girls are having a sleepover at Kyoh's mansion! Ako doesn't like the idea that Rusian can't be with them, but Akane points out that you can't have a boy if it's an all-girls' sleepover.

Nanako is there with them, and Ako isn't too happy about that. Akane points out that having Nanako there is a good way to practice talking to other people without Hideki around, which Ako refutes hilariously:

Ako: "What good is using the final boss to practice with?!"

Akane's reply to this is: "Learn by dying! Bring on the zombie attacks!"

Nanako is annoyed that they're talking about her in front of her, then asks Ako if they can be friends, placing her hand on Ako's shoulder. Ako screams for Rusian to save her.

Ho boy...

There's a really silly scene about maids...apparently, some of Kyoh's family's employees decided to pretend to be maids and manservants, with the appropriate uniforms, as sort of a prank.

Kyoh's computer room in her personal suite is...WAY over the top. O_o;;

Once the actual homework starts, Ako gets frustrated, says 'kupo' (no really, she actually says kupo), and tries to escape by excusing herself to the bathroom, but Kyoh and Akane are too smart for that and send Nanako with her.

After using the bathroom, Ako tries to give Nanako the slip by "exploring" the mansion to "reveal the map", but Nanako joins her.

In the mansion's library, Ako gets excited about the possibility of finding "hidden items", and spots a book on a shelf that looks rigged. Nanako tells her things like that don't happen in real life, but when Ako pushes on it, the bookshelf slides open, revealing a shining treasure chest! O.o;;

Wat?!

Inside the treasure chest is a photo album. The scary maid creeps up behind them, her glasses shining in the light of the treasure chest, and tells them it's a family treasure, chronicling the mistress' growth.

"And now that you've seen it, I have no choice. You must join the society of the mistress' admirers!"

Ako and Nanako run away screaming in terror, proclaiming they're already in a guild.

Meanwhile, Kyoh tricks Akane into realizing she's a tsundere.

Ako and Nanako hide from the maid under a table. Ako realizes she's clinging on to Nanako and shrinks away. Nanako asks if Ako really dislikes her that much, and Ako replies that instinctively, she simply can't accept Nanako. Nanako is a bit taken aback by this, but tells Ako she really does want to be friends with her. They then set about trying to figure out exactly where they are, because they're now completely lost. They end up outside, yelling for Kyoh and Akane to come rescue them.

The study session moves out into the garden, where the conversation (which has turned to explaining to Nanako that their homeroom teacher is Nekohime) gets weird, as Ako's yandere side starts to show, which prompts Kyoh to worry that she'll try to glitter-wand Nekohime-sensei again. Then Akane remembers the whole reason they're there in the first place and tries to get things back on track with Ako's summer homework, which Ako clearly has no intention of actually doing, and whines obnoxiously about the whole thing.

Yep, I still hate Ako.

And I'll pause for a moment to tell you why:

Despite her obvious need for clinical medical help, she's also actively resisting any efforts others are making to help her. While this is not uncommon in people with mental problems, it's difficult to make allowances for people who aren't willing to help themselves at all.

I speak from personal experience here, having had my own past brushes with clinical depression, having been in a situation where the people around me were frustrated with me because I wasn't really working with them, and having turned it all around by overcoming my depression through sheer willpower and taking responsibility for my life.

Also, I am physically, medically disabled, and I hate that I'm a drain on society and a burden on the people in my life. There isn't a day that passes that I don't resent the fact that I can't support myself and be self-sufficient and independent. When I see someone whose body is strong and who has the physical ability to take care of themselves and take responsibility and do the bare minimum society asks of them, and would rather be a lazy, whining sponge than even TRY to go along with society...it makes me sick. And angry.

Ako's mental health failings notwithstanding, she's decided to be a sponge for the rest of her life and her mother is enabling this, and outside of her tenuous grasp of reality, there's not a damn thing wrong with her body or mind. She could contribute to society. She could be self-sufficient. But she would rather be a sponge. And that, I cannot abide.

But I digress. Let's get back to the anime.

Dinnertime arrives, and the girls are a bit daunted at the prospect of a fancy, formal dinner in the Goshoin mansion's lavish dining room, prepared by the house chef. Seeing Akane's trepidation, Ako can't resist the urge to have a little fun with her in regards to the finger bowls, but Kyoh derails this attempt at a forced faux pas rather skillfully.

Or tries to, anyway. Nanako blunt-forces her way through Kyoh's bullshit to point out that they're finger bowls, and Ako smirks at having tricked Akane.

After dinner...sexy furo scene!

It's not the most memorable of furo scenes, but it does give Akane the opportunity to express some well-deserved A-Cup Angst, since she has the smallest chest of everyone in the guild. When Kyoh tells her that proper diet, exercise, and a healthy sleep cycle can afford a great deal of control over one's physique and urges Akane to "make her own cuteness", Akane's response is:

"I don't have enough materials to make that item."

While washing Ako's hair, Akane grumbles about how a girl who takes so little care of herself has such a huge chest. Ako's response:

Ako: "I do lead an undeniably squishy lifestyle, so my body is squishy as well."

God I want to slap her. I want to slap her so bad...

Nanako wonders if Ako ever diets, because she has quite a bit of baby fat. Ako says she isn't worried about her body as long as Rusian isn't turned off. Akane wonders if that's the case, as for all they know, Hideki might prefer more slender girls. Ako freaks out and decides to call Hideki on the spot and ask him what he prefers, having brought her smartphone into the bath for god knows what reason (nevermind WHERE WAS SHE KEEPING IT?!). Akane doesn't have a problem with this...

...until Ako announces she's going to connect video chat so she can ask him which of their body types he likes best. This leads to Kyoh and Akane chasing Ako, all three of them naked, out of the main bath and into the outdoor hot spring, trying to tackle her and take her phone.

Surprisingly, Nanako assists Ako, opening herself for a pass out of the other girls' range.

...so she could turn off Ako's phone without interference, of course.

Luckily for everyone, Hideki never answered the call—probably because he knew what Ako was up to and didn't want to get killed.

After that fiasco is over, it's bedtime, and the girls are all sleeping in the same giant bed.

Akane has embarrassing pajamas with one of those cute animal sleeping caps. I am somehow not surprised.

Nanako then asks the one question nobody has actually asked Ako yet, because they were all afraid of the answer:

"It's one thing that you're married to Nishimura-kun in the game, but that's just in the game. But you say the two of you are a couple in real life. What are your thoughts about that?"

Ako's answer doesn't make a fucking lick of sense, and I'm not even going to bother repeating it to try to make sense of it. All that needs to be said is that Ako's answer is so scarily twisted that it freaks the other girls out and they start to wonder how the hell Hideki deals with Ako without living in a constant state of distress.

The episode ends on a hilarious scene of Rusian sitting alone in the guild's usual place, when Master Apricot walks in. As we go to gamer-vision of Hideki as Rusian, we first see Ako dressed as Master whining to Rusian, then Akane dressed as Master freaking out, then the actual Master, Kyoh, demanding help in a desperate tone, then Nanako—again, dressed as Master—simply screaming "TASUKETE!!"

Since all four of them are typing into Master's chat log, of course.

All this does is confuse poor Hideki. XD

Crowning moment of funny:

Scary maid: (chasing Ako and Nanako) "Please wait, okyakusama! Act now and I'll throw in some detergent!"

Anne-Happy

So how do we top last week's over-the-top fanservice, I wonder?

This episode introduces the big-busted ~~cold-hearted bitch~~ homeroom teacher of one of the other first-year classes at the school from hell, Saginomiya-sensei, who is assisting 1-7's sensei in teaching a joint cooking lesson with another class.

Letting this bunch loose in a kitchen, with knives and ovens, is a recipe for disaster... >.>;;

Hanako, Hibari, and Botan try their best to make curry, despite an accidental stove fire, and manage to make presentable microwaved dry curry. Then Hibari accidentally ruins it by spilling a pitcher of vegetable juice just as Saginomiya-sensei is scoring their efforts. She says some incredibly nasty things to them, basically telling them they're worthless and that their class' presence at Tennomifune is unsightly, then walks off without even giving them a grade.

Jesus CHRIST, lady, what the fuck is your problem?

After that disaster, Hibari is feeling down on herself. Hanako and Botan decide to have a sleepover at Hibari's place. Hibari is embarrassed by how much pink is in her house, and denies liking the color pink—she even denies wearing pink underwear, even though Hanako sees it every day when they change for PE.

In this episode, Hanako reveals she has A-cup angst; she drinks a lot of milk, and when Botan calls attention to it, Hanako asks if she thinks it'll make her grow taller or her breasts grow bigger.

In a more dramatic moment, Hibari opens up to the other girls about her feelings of self-loathing. They do their best to reassure her.

Class 1-7's sensei apologizes to Saginomiya-sensei for the trouble her girls caused. Saginomiya-sensei questions why the prestigious Tennomifune, one of the top-ranked schools in Japan with applicants from all over the nation, wastes resources on groups of girls with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Fuck you, lady.

The next day, Class 1-7 has a joint swimming class with Saginomiya's class. Boob jokes and fanservice abound.

After an hour of free time, Saginomiya decides to pit the athletics class and Class 1-7 against each other in a swimming race, with predictable results. Saginomiya decides that the results confirm her belief that the girls in Class 1-7 aren't worthy of being at Tennomifune and the Happiness Class is an unsightly blemish on the school's image. While she's busy being a bitch, an unexpected thunderstorm rolls in very quickly. Class 1-7's sensei cancels the swimming class and evacuated the girls to the locker room for safety, but Hanako is stuck on something at the edge of the pool and can't get out. Botan and Hibari jump in to pull her free, and refuse to leave her behind, so Saginomiya joins their efforts to free her.

Hanako is good and stuck, and lightning is striking the schoolyard. As the lightning becomes more frequent and closer, Botan senses danger and, demanding the others trust her, pulls Hanako all the way under, while Hibari forces Saginomiya under the surface.

Lightning strikes the pool. The girls survive. Botan says it's because the current disperses when it hits the water.

Yeah, no. Bullshit, and the fact that she says she "read it online" makes it even dodgier. They survived by sheer luck.

Still, after sharing this experience with the girls, Saginomiya changes her mind about Class 1-7, and decides they do have value after all.

After Saginomiya and the girls' teacher leave the room, Hanako gets up to thank her friends...

...and discharges a massive amount of static electricity, because while tangled up in a lane line (how she got stuck in the first place), she absorbed pretty much all the electric current from the lightning strike.

To her credit, she isn't terribly upset by this. In fact, she's cheerful about it, calling herself "THUNDER WOMAN!" as she unleashes Pikachu-level electric shocks.

(It's also possibly Timothy being in the pool had something to do with it, as he's been completely fried...one can only assume his reasons for being in the pool were anything but pure. XD)

Bakuon!!

Remember that pouty girl from the culture festival, Chisame? She's baaaaaaaack, and taking the entrance exam to attend the school our biker girls go to! Along with Hane's little sister.

The Bike Club girls are acting as guides for the examinees, and are already trying to recruit them into Bike Club, which draws a "nani yare?" reaction from Chisame.

Yume introduces Chisame to the others. It turns out Chisame has been on the bike circuit since elementary school.

Chisame is basically a girl with a severe Napoleon complex, because she's been tiny her entire life. She's bad at anything physical, and even eats more slowly than everyone else. Her grades aren't especially good. The only thing she has in the world that she can call a mark of pride is her skills at racing on the bike circuit, where her small size and light stature are an asset.

However, it turns out that Chisame's attitude towards driving motorbikes on public roads has nothing to do with contempt for casual riding, and everything to do with the fact that she herself will never be able to do so, because her feet can't reach the ground when she's on a bike—and on public roads, it's necessary for stopping at intersections.

Chisame blames the Bike Club for her distraction during the entrance exams (because she couldn't stop thinking about bikes thanks to the stupid bike noises Hane was making outside the school). After the exams, Chisame and Yume find a crowd gathering around outside, watching Raimu do tricks on her bike. Chisame decides to actively sabotage the Bike Club's efforts to draw interest by telling the other examinees that bicycles are better for losing weight.

Anyway, Yume and Chisame both pass their entrance exams, but Hane is disappointed that Yume has decided to ride a bicycle to school instead of riding on the back of Hane's motorcycle. With the realization that they themselves are about to be second-years, the Bike Club girls also realize, to their dismay, that Raimu will be leaving school and the Bike Club.

As if.

Hijiri suggests throwing a graduation party for Raimu, but keeping it a surprise. Raimu overhears this as she's about to enter the club room and is shocked.

Speaking of shocks, it turns out that Chisame's mother is one of Tazuko's old classmates! Tazuko is shocked to learn that one of her classmates not only got married without her knowing, but has a child old enough to be starting high school. Tazuko's old classmate never mentioned it because she always thought Tazuko didn't like men, and that the reason why has something to do with Raimu.

In a flashback, we learn that Tazuko used to have all her would-be suitors race Raimu as a condition for going out with her, knowing that beating Raimu was all but impossible. However, one fateful day, a very embarrassing man challenged Raimu for Tazuko's hand, and Tazuko herself accidentally took Raimu out of the race by dropping a coffee can which rolled out onto the road and right in Raimu's path, causing her to flip forward and go flying over the guardrail.

I'm starting to think Raimu is an immortal. O_o;;

Anyway, Chisame's mother tells Tazuko that she's been getting postcards from the Bike Club's room address regularly every year since graduation, and she wonders what it is that's keeping Raimu from ever leaving the school. "I wonder if Raimu-senpai will ever graduate..."

Meanwhile, the current generation of Bike Club is working on doing all kinds of stupid stunts to show Raimu that they can survive without her. Raimu, watching them from behind a tree, steps out and shows them a piece of paper that says "Repeating the year."

On the first day of school, the Bike Club girls all pass Yume and Chisame. As they pass, Chisame rattles off their bike makes, models, and seat heights. Yume eventually calls Chisame out on only mentioning the seat heights but nothing else, and Chisame tosses off some bullshit about the center of gravity being the most important part of the bike—in other words, the seat height.

Sure, it has nothing at all to do with her being a shrimp.

This school has some...odd clubs. Or rather, its clubs have odd ways of promoting themselves. O_o;;

At orientation day, because they've been prohibited from bringing an actual motorbike into the amphitheater, the Bike Club puts together a spontaneous, silly musical number about riding a bike. It's...it's painful to watch. It's so embarrassing and weird, and everyone laughs at them for how silly they look.

In the audience, Rin and Yume discuss the silliness of what's happening on stage (remember, Rin has never been an official club member), and Yume says that despite how weird it is, it might just get people interested in joining because they make riding bikes sound like so much fun.

Chisame reflects on this, thinking how she's always been "lonely at the top" because she told herself that people whose purpose for racing is to have fun with their friends will never do better than second place.

Onsa tries to give a speech to the crowd, but suffers sudden shyness, so she throws Hane in front of the microphone instead. Hane's speech is...counterproductive, as she mostly lists the bad points of riding. But then she gets back on track and says that no matter how hard it was, her friends were always waiting for her at the end, and that's what makes it fun: no matter what, you're not alone if you're riding a bike.

Then Chisame storms up onto the stage and makes a spectacle of herself with an impassioned speech about racing which gets her laughed at by almost the entire student body.

And that's where this week's episode ends. Kind of an...odd way to leave it...

Haifuri

Previously: The Harekaze forced the Hiei, infected by the RATt virus, to run aground on a bar, and Mashiro's other sister showed up and groped her ass in front of the entire Harekaze crew.

After securing the Hiei, Mashiro's grabby sister and her crew leave to investigate reports of sightings of an unidentified ship near the Chuuk Islands, while the Harekaze heads for a second sighting location to investigate another unidentified ship. Either one of them could be the Musashi, which Misaki is still determined to locate.

The crew are in high spirits after bringing down the Hiei and eager to undertake their new mission. However, the mood changes when their target is identified:

It's the Admiral Spee.

With Asuka Jr. in the dumps because they've just found the ship she bailed from, the crew try to lift her spirits by boldly and energetically declaring their intent to rescue the crew and cure them of the RATt.

The Spee is paradoxically both stronger and weaker than the Harekaze, making this a tricky mission. Nevertheless, the crew devises a battle plan which should allow them to immobilize the Spee so they can board.

The plan backfires almost immediately when they realize that whoever's driving the Spee is completely nucking futs and ignores basic evasion tactics in favor of an all-out assault which destroys the Harekaze's number three cannon. Further, because the Spee didn't evade the torpedo shot from the Harekaze (which was never intended to strike), the weak point on the deck (a steam pipe that's a critical design flaw) isn't exposed to the Harekaze's main battery.

Asuka Jr. is ready to give up to protect the Harekaze, but the Harekaze crew isn't ready to give up on the mission. The girls quickly devise a counter strategy involving launching a skipper to complete the mission, with Misaki herself leading the raiding party and Mashiro in command of the Harekaze.

The raiding party successfully boards the ship and fights their way through the infected crew. The Harekaze's ship cat, Isoroku, spots the fleeing carrier rat and gives chase. The raiding party makes it to the bridge in time to save the Harekaze from a devastating pounding and disables the infected bridge crew, taking control of the ship and bringing an end to the battle.

Oh, and Asuka Jr.'s beloved captain Thea? She's a freaking fetus. Yikes. (Well, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but she's absolutely a loli.)

The two crews share a meal together as the Spee girls recover from their ordeal, and Asuka Jr. returns Thea's hat to her. But with the Spee ready to depart for repairs and debriefing...Asuka Jr.'s time on the Harekaze has ended, and she bids a heartfelt farewell to her surrogate sea family.

Space Patrol Luluco

The final season of Space Patrol Luluco is here!

Luluco's celebration of life, love, victory, and a return to normal life is short-lived when Nova-kun reveals himself to be a double agent and the Supreme Commander of Space Patrol Galaxy HQ reveals himself to be a Blackholeian, the root of all evil in the universe and the source of the shoplifting apps Midori and Lalaco used to commit their various nefarious crimes.

The Blackholeian then proceeds to lecture the good guys on his plan, prefacing every comment with an insult about middle schoolers being stupid and ignorant.

To sum it up, the Blackholeians have spent eons stealing all the most valuable and rare things from throughout the universe, and eventually got to the point where they had collected so many rare and valuable things, they began to wonder if perhaps common, ordinary everyday trash was more interesting than the things they'd been stealing. They then decided that the most ordinary, common, uninteresting, trashy thing they could possibly steal was a middle school girl's first crush, so they seized control of the Space Patrol, engineered a galaxy-wide conspiracy, and enslaved Nova to secude Luluco, all to steal her "Aflutter Jewel", the manifestation of her trashy schoolgirl crush.

Further twisting the knife: Nova is a Nothingling, from a planet of beings who are completely empty, hollow, and shallow. The fact that Luluco's first crush was based on something as empty as Nova's pretty looks makes her Aflutter Jewel exceptionally empty, hollow, and worthless, which makes the Blackholeian's lust for it even stronger.

Luluco demands to know why Nova lied to her, then says she'll never forgive him for manipulating her emotions. Nova replies that he never once lied to her, and he doesn't mind either way how she feels. This utterly breaks her, and she dies of shock and heartbreak.

To add insult to injury, the Blackholeian, having set all this up just to steal Luluco's Aflutter Jewel, callously throws it to the ground and shatters it.

Across the cosmos, Lalaco feels her daughter's heart literally breaking...

ONGOING AND ENDED ANIME
Here are the ongoing and ended anime I'm following.

Detective Conan

Episode 819: "Kogorou's Pursuit of Rage (Part 2)"

Previously: During a Risa Purple concert, Ran was mistakenly abducted by two crazed, dimwitted fans who were working on orders from Risa herself, who arranged the entire thing as a publicity stunt. Upon discovering they'd kidnapped the wrong person, the kidnappers panicked and decided to bury Ran alive in a landfill. Conan, Kogorou, and Takagi arrived at their hideout just minutes too late, and now time is running out for Ran.

At the hideout, Takagi is reporting to Megure-keibu about the situation, while Kogorou is angrily yelling for the arrest of Risa Purple. However, Conan notices something odd about the social media profile picture on the account the kidnappers have been interacting with:

Risa Purple is always photographed from her left because of her signature beauty mark. The FaceNet profile picture is taken from her right.

As Conan is pointing this out, the phone rings and the answering machine picks up. The caller begins punching in a security code, meaning it's the culprit, trying to check their messages. Kogorou picks up the phone and starts yelling at the kidnappers, who immediately hang up.

At the junkyard, Dipshit #1 flies into a rage, blaming Dipshit #2 for everything that's gone wrong. Dipshit #2 says it's not his fault because he's not even a fan of Risa Purple and was just following Dipshit #1's orders. Dipshit #1 starts attacking Dipshit #2 with his shovel, eventually dropping it into the pit where Ran is buried.

Speaking of Ran, she's starting to have trouble breathing, and silently prays for her dad and Conan to find her and save her.

Back at the concert hall, Risa Purple is vehemently denying having anything to do with the kidnapping—and given what Conan noticed, I'm inclined to believe her.

At this point, I believe it's the concert MC, Bianca.

Megure is still interrogating the concert staff—and is also annoyed that they're still filming, despite his having asked them to stop. Risa's manager is behaving suspiciously and refusing to answer a direct question about why he was in the hall making a call during the concert pre-check. At this point, Kogorou and Conan arrive, carrying the kidnapper's answering machine, and reveals that the manager was leaving a threatening message.

Takagi enters saying the area that the kidnappers called their machine from has been narrowed down, but the search area is still pretty broad. Megure orders a helicopter search for the illegal dumping pit shown in the photo Kogorou brought from the scene.

Even though the police have a search team of 500 ready to go and they know the general area to look, the odds of actually finding the burial pit before Ran's oxygen runs out are slim. Kogorou suggests an idea: he intends to broadcast a live television message, urgently pleading for the kidnappers to consider the feelings of their victim's father.

At this point, it's the best chance they've got...

At Beika Cable Network, while the preparations are being made, Conan continues to be Conan, taking note of the fact that Risa Purple was originally part of the (failed) seven-member idol unit Rainbow.

Kogorou begins his broadcast, making an impassioned plea, as a father, for the kidnappers to do the right thing. He talks of Ran's age, her ambitions, her dreams for the future that she doesn't share with him but he knows she has them. He tells the kidnappers that they shouldn't allow themselves to become murderers, and that what they think is just another problem is an innocent person with her whole life ahead of her who doesn't deserve to die for their reckless and irrational behavior. He also promises them that if Ran dies, they will not escape justice. He also boldly states that he has evidence of the true culprit's identity—photos which Ran took with her phone—and that if the search party which mobilizes at dawn, composed of the police, fire department, mountain rescue, and Self Defense Force, finds a corpse instead of a living human being, everyone involved is finished.

After the broadcast, Kogorou and Conan reveal to Megure that Kogorou has set a trap for the kidnappers by implying that Ran's phone contains evidence of their identities. The culprit will panic and act to destroy the phone quickly. Megure points out that the culprit might not have even been watching the broadcast...

But Conan and Kogorou assure him that the culprit was definitely watching, and Takagi rushes in to confirm that their culprit is on the move.

The true culprit heads out to where Dipshit #1 and Dipshit #2 are, with Takagi, Megure, Kogorou, and Conan following them.

The culprit is indeed Bianca, identified by her ringtone being heard in the background of the manager's threatening answering machine message.

Bianca tries to escape, but is cornered by the police helicopter, whose floodlights also expose Dipshit #1 and Dipshit #2 in their hiding place. Kogorou jumps both of them and forces them to tell him where Ran is. Once they tell him, Kogorou and Conan jump down into the pit to save Ran. Fortunately, she wasn't buried very deeply; they're able to dig out the refrigerator with her bare hands.

Ran is unconscious when they pull her out of the refrigerator, but wakes up after a moment's exposure to fresh air.

Once Ran is safe, Conan coldly reveals that he knew Bianca was wearing platform sneakers to avoid slipping and falling when the stage sprinklers went off, since the only other time she ever wore them was when she was Risa's senpai in Rainbow. Bianca's jealousy of Risa's rise to stardom spurred her to concoct the kidnapping scene as a publicity stunt to increase her own fame.

Next Conan: The Seven People in the Waiting Room

Next Conan's Hint: Station Poster

(Yes, I'm doing that now. The real question is why haven't I been doing that all along?)

Lucky Star

I've been curious about this one for a long time and have heard mixed reviews. Let's see what it's really like.

This show...really, really wants to be Azumanga. I mean, it's desperate to be Azumanga. But it comes across as more of the weird cross-cultural lovechild of Azumanga and Seinfeld. The entire first half of the first episode is just three girls talking about different ways of eating various foods. Absolutely nothing else happens except three girls talking about food.

If you know me at all, you know that alone sold me on this. But given its incredibly slice-of-life nature, I'm only going to be watching this one, not blogging it.

Because it'd kind of be like blogging Seinfeld episodes. And who the fuck wants to read—or write—that?

Naruto Shippuuden

Previously: Naruto and Sakura have learned of Sasuke's affiliation with Akatsuki. At the Five Kage Summit, Danzo, recently appointed Rokudaime Hokage but not confirmed by the Jounin Council as yet, is made commander-in-chief of the newly-established Allied Shinobi Forces of the Five Villages, whose purpose is to eliminate Akatsuki. Raikage, meanwhile, has a personal vendetta against Uchiha Sasuke, believing him to have murdered his brother Killer B, and has made his mistrustful opinion of the other four Hidden Villages abundantly clear.

With the Summit's major decision made, Zetsu abruptly disappears as the members of Taka are withdrawing. Outside the fortress, Zetsu and Tobi are preparing for...something.

Back at Konoha, Sai tells Sakura about the lengths Naruto has gone to to protect Sasuke from the Kumo-nin. He also tells Sakura that he's positive Naruto loves her. He also rather bluntly tells Sakura that whatever promise she elicited from him regarding Sasuke, the heavy burden of it is no different than a Curse Mark. He forces Sakura to realize how much pain Naruto is in, both because of Sasuke and because of her.

Meanwhile, other members of the Konoha 11 are taking the news about Sasuke's death mark pretty badly. The boys who went on the failed mission to retrieve Sasuke lament their failure anew, and Shikamaru has something important to say to Sakura.

Shizune argues with Sai that Naruto's determination to save Sasuke isn't just out of debt to Sakura, and Sai agrees to a point, but he also says that everyone—especially Sakura—is relying on Naruto too much lately, and from observing Naruto, he's realized that Naruto has become sad. He also says that when he thinks about Sasuke, "it starts to get warm inside my gut". Sai realizes that this feeling is anger. He says that relying on Naruto for everything is something they should no longer do, that they should take action themselves.

Shikamaru, having been listening from outside, enters and agrees with Sai. He tells Sakura and Sai that he has come for one reason, and lays everything out on the table as bare as it can be:

Unless Sasuke is dealt with by his peers, war between Kumogakure and Konohagakure is inevitable.

Sakura won't say what Shikamaru wants to hear—or anything else—but Shikamaru is adamant that either way, he has to do what's best for Konoha. He's also dismayed that Naruto has gone so far as to demand an audience with the Raikage over this, because that's going to make convincing Naruto even harder. However, Sakura tells him that if nothing else, she will talk to Naruto.

Her internal monologue and the pain in her eyes pretty much says it all: she's convincing herself to let go of Sasuke, and knows she has to get Naruto to let go too.

;_;

Back at the summit, Danzo is doing his best Senator Palpatine impression, but Raikage is still angry about the selection of Danzo as the leader of the Allied Shinobi Forces.

Of course, I get the impression that the Raikage is always angry about SOMETHING, so who really gives a shit.

Raikage says he should lead, since not a single member of Akatsuki came from his village. Mifune rejects that notion, pointing to the desk Raikage smashed in rage earlier in the meeting. He says that if a man who lets his emotions rule him is given that much power, the new alliance would immediately fall into disarray. He then lists his reasons for rejecting each of the other Kage: Gaara is too young and inexperienced, Tsuchikage is too old and has used Akatsuki for his own ends more than any other Kage, and Mizukage's home village is reviled as the birthplace of Akatsuki.

Moreover, Mifune says it makes the most sense to have the Hokage command the Allied Shinobi Force since Konoha is the home of the Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki, and the first goal is to prevent Akatsuki from obtaining Kyuubi.

Raikage is still adamant that he refuses to accept an alliance led by any of the villages he distrusts (which is all of them).

During the proceedings, Ao (Mizukage's older bodyguard) gets a bad feeling about the way things are going, and—alerting his fellow retainer to stand ready—uses his secret weapon:

A concealed Byakugan (oh my god, how the HELL did they STEAL A BYAKUGAN?!), which he uses to observe Danzo. In doing so, he discovers that Danzo is not even remotely as crippled as he looks, AND he sees the concealed Sharingan which he recognizes as having belonged to Uchiha Shisui, a formidable opponent Ao himself once fought.

Ao disrupts the meeting, demanding Danzo show his right eye and alerting the entire summit to his suspicions. He also admits to owning a Byakugan taken as a spoil of war, which is why he can see through Danzo. He asserts that Danzo is using Uchiha Shisui's Sharingan to manipulate and control Mifune.

Raikage is enraged, but before things can descend into chaos, the Summit is crashed by Zetsu. Zetsu creates instant chaos by loudly singing that Uchiha Sasuke has gotten into the room. Raikage grabs him by the throat and demands to know where Sasuke is hiding.

Elsewhere, Naruto is wondering where Sasuke is now, and what he's thinking. As Naruto lies awake wondering if he even knows who Sasuke is anymore, Tobi shows up to have a chat...

As soon as Tobi shows himself, Naruto is up and moving, a Rasengan at the ready. He misses, but before things can get truly ugly, Yamato and Kakashi intervene, trapping Tobi in a wooden prison and Naruto in a wooden cage, with Kakashi holding Tobi at point-blank Raikiri range.

Despite all their aggressive posturing, Tobi—iya, Madara—isn't impressed, and also tells them it isn't necessary, because he really did just come to talk. He wants to know what exactly happened between Nagato and Naruto that made Nagato betray Akatsuki. Naruto isn't interested in any of that—he wants to know what's going on with Sasuke. Madara decides to tell him everything about Sasuke's hatred of the shinobi world—starting with the truth about Uchiha Itachi.

Meanwhile, Raikage asks Zetsu where Sasuke is, but then gets pissed and snaps his neck before he can say anything. Mizukage takes him to task for that, because they can't torture and interrogate a corpse. Gaara points out that no Akatsuki would give information in any case, and Mifune orders his men to search for Sasuke. Raikage then orders Ao to keep an eye on Danzo before punching a hole through a wall to go looking for Sasuke, his retainers right behind him.

Karin becomes aware of the sudden change in the Samurai Stormtroopers' movements through their chakra, and the group realizes that Zetsu has sold them out.

Juugo tells Karin to ignore the samurai and focus on keeping tabs on Danzo. However, Karin notices something about Sasuke's chakra is different, and the wrongness of it paralyzes her.

Just as Juugo joins Sasuke's fight against the samurai, the Raikage crashes through the ceiling. As the fight shifts to Juugo versus Raikage and his retainers, Epic Ninja Shit starts happening left and right, including Suigetsu joining the fight and getting his sword broken in half while parrying Raikage's puroresu taijutsu.

Darui orders C to search for any other allies Sasuke-tachi might have lurking around while he and Raikage deal with Sasuke, Juugo, and Suigetsu. Karin realizes that she can no longer search for Danzo without being detected. Juugo and Suigetsu also realize this, and decide that their first target has to be C.

Back at the ~~ranch~~ Summit room, tensions are high as everyone present has realized just how dangerous and pustulent a dirtbag Danzo really is. Nobody trusts him, and everybody is ready to kill him at the slightest provocation. Danzo tries to paint himself as a Well-Intentioned Extremist, but absolutely nobody is buying his bullshit. Gaara says some profound shit, then leaves with Temari and Kankurou to take action instead of sitting around adding more farts to the bad air. Tsuchikage's sassy kunoichi goes with them, eager to see this Uchiha Sasuke for herself. Danzo's men ask permission to follow, but are told rudely by Ao that no Konoha ninja is leaving the room. They tense for a fight, but Danzo tells them to stand down and play nice for a while.

Juugo lets his apeshit psycho side out, and immediately engages Raikage one-on-one. Using this as a distraction, Suigetsu tries to kill C, but Darui intercedes. Raikage thinks he's dropped Juugo in one hit, but suddenly Juugo grows a massive array of chakra cannons out of wherever he grows all this random shit from and fires point-blank. While all this is going on, Sasuke drops C with his Sharingan. Raikage, meanwhile, has survived Juugo's attack and splatters him against a wall, then turns his attention on Sasuke.

Naruto and Kakashi are shocked to learn the truth about Itachi. Kakashi doesn't understand why Sasuke would join Akatsuki knowing the truth. He believes Sasuke would have returned to Konoha to carry out Itachi's will. Madara tells him that they don't really understand Sasuke at all; that he has become a true avenger, and lives for nothing but revenge. Naruto accuses Madara of turning Sasuke into this, but Madara coldly informs him that Sasuke chose the way of revenge on his own. He admits that he himself took a gamble when he told Sasuke the truth; he had no way of knowing which side Sasuke would choose if given the truth about Itachi. He was pleased when Sasuke sided with Akatsuki instead of Konoha.

Madara then tells Kakashi, Naruto, and Yamato the true story of the Uchiha clan's bloodsoaked legacy of hatred, which began with the Sage of Six Paths.

The Sage sought to bring peace to the world through the teachings of Ninshu, but his time eventually ran out. He decided to entrust his will to his two sons. The elder son was born with the Rinnegan, inherited the Sage's chakra and mental fortitude, and believed that strength was crucial to peace. The younger son inherited the Sage's strong life force and physical energy, and believed that love and understanding were essential to peace.

On his deathbed, the Sage named his younger son as his successor. Enraged, the older brother, who expected to be the chosen one, challenged his brother. For generations, their descendants feuded bitterly. In time, the descendants of the elder brother came to be known as the Uchiha. The descendants of the younger brother were known as the Senju—the clan that produced Shodai Hokage, who battled Uchiha Madara. Madara admired and yet hated the Hokage, and says he sees the Will of Fire that the Senju clan carried continue on in Naruto, just as he sees the curse of hatred in Sasuke. He declares that Naruto and Sasuke are fated to be the next to carry on this timeless struggle of the Will of Fire versus the curse of hatred.

Madara: "Sasuke has shouldered the burden of the Uchiha's curse of hatred. It is his most powerful weapon. It is his nindou!"

Meanwhile, the intense duel between Raikage and Sasuke rages to epic levels, with Raikage drawing out immense levels of chakra and Sasuke not only surviving attacks no other ninja has ever survived, but activating his Mangekyo Sharingan to its limits. Sasuke attempts to use Amaterasu on Raikage, but Raikage teleports out of the way; Sasuke's Amaterasu hits a random Samurai Stormtrooper. Sasuke isn't done yet, though; he's developed finer control over the black flames than Itachi ever had, and can even form a mobile shield of them. As Raikage presses his attack despite the immolation of his various limbs and Sasuke escalates his Amaterasu, Gaara arrives and breaks up the fight by force.

Gaara orders the Samurai to withdraw before they suffer any further needless casualties. Raikage angrily demand to know why Gaara has interfered. Gaara informs him that if he'd continued his reckless attacks, Sasuke's black flames would have further injured him. He also wishes to speak to Sasuke.

Raikage contemptuously severs his own burning arm and orders C to stop the bleeding, insisting he will kill Sasuke as soon as his stump has been attended to.

Jesus CHRIST this guy's a rage machine.

Gaara tries to dissuade Sasuke from the course of hatred and vengeance he's on, even though everyone around him tells him it's a hopeless cause. Sasuke refuses to hear Gaara's words, and Gaara sheds a tear as he prepares to kill Sasuke.

Meanwhile, Madara concludes his conversation with Naruto and the others, refusing to answer any of Kakashi's questions about his true purpose, then vanishing into his own Sharingan.

Elsewhere, every Sensory-type ninja in the summit room is aware that Karin is scrying them with her abilities, and know that at any moment, the assassins could arrive.

Darui, Kankurou, Temari, and Gaara unload on Sasuke with a barrage of extremely high-powered jutsu. Sasuke blocks everything with his Susano'o.

Elsewhere, Killer B finally resurfaces after all this time, having spent every minute since his defeat by Taka hiding inside a severed tentacle of the Eight-Tails.

Hilarious scene: Eight-Tails hates Killer B's rapping.

Facepalm-worthy scene: Killer B has decided to use his "defeat" as an opportunity to escape Raikage's oppressive control and have himself a vacation.

Oh, and he's decided to switch styles to enka for a while.

It's interesting to note that the carefree Killer B is partnered with the one Bijuu who actually seems to consider the state of world affairs carefully. The Eight-Tails is unique among the Bijuu we've seen in that it's actually keeping up with ninja politics and is troubled by the way the shinobi world is changing.

Meanwhile, Kakashi warns Naruto not to put too much stock in anything Madara said until they can independently confirm it, and above all to keep the entire encounter secret from everyone because Konohagakure simply cannot afford any more mayhem right now.

Back at the summit hall, C shouts out a warning to the Suna-nin just as Sasuke's Susano'o collapses the ceiling, trapping everyone including Juugo and Suigetsu and only saving Karin because Sasuke needs her to lead him to Danzo.

Karin is now somewhat terrified of Sasuke, not liking the cold monster he's turning into.

Naturally, everyone (who isn't cannon fodder) survives the collapse of the hall, and even as Raikage chases after Sasuke, Gaara wonders what Naruto would have done differently in his situation.

Incidentally, in the aftermath of Susano'o's destructive rampage, we get to see Juugo blatantly ripping off Cell by extending a tentacle into a Samurai Stormtrooper's armor and sucking up all his biomass to heal himself.

Sasuke makes it to the summit room, where Mifune attacks him. Danzo immediately escapes, and Ao pursues him. Sasuke attempts to give chase, but Mizukage seals the exits using her kekkei genkai, which creates instant lava.

Mizukage: "You of the Akatsuki manipulated the Yondaime Mizukage and trampled all over our Kirigakure. However, when I look at you, you Uchiha are quite handsome. Such a fine young man...it's a pity. But at least I'll give you a kiss that'll make you melt."

Literally smoking hot femme fatale, this one. H_H;;

After telling Tsuchikage to get clear, Mizukage pukes lava all over everything, then her cute swordboy retainer with the shark teeth does something cool and Sasuke is pasted to the wall. Mizukage does a runner while Sasuke drops to all fours, every cell in his body hurting because he's overused the incomplete form of Susano'o.

As Sasuke starts to try to stand, Mizukage reappears on his other side, having completely sealed the two of them off in an enclosed space with lava. She then reveals her second kekkei genkai, which is the ability to breath a thick fog of corrosive acid.

I bet she's a LOT of fun on a date.

But then this tumorous white...stuff starts engulfing everyone not affiliated with Akatsuki. It's coming from the supposedly dead Zetsu! Zetsu's Sporation Jutsu drains the chakra of everyone it engulfs, then wraps itself around Sasuke and begins restoring his chakra. Sasuke breaks down the wall into the summit room, flooding it with Mizukage's acid mist and forcing her to adjust its pH levels. Tsuchikage orders his retainer to offer assistance, and he pukes up a golem.

Seriously, what the fuck is up with all these people puking up impossible things?!

Tsuchikage frees himself, then shows that he's not completely washed up yet by creating a hypercube around Sasuke and disintegrating him.

Wait...what?!

Sasuke's chakra completely disappears, and Karin is shocked.

Raikage, his retainers, and the Suna-nin rush back into the room, with Raikage thundering about Sasuke. As Kankurou frees everyone from Zetsu's tumors, Tsuchikage tells Raikage that he atomized Sasuke, which enrages Raikage because he had claimed the right of vengeance.

Then Madara appears, telling Raikage he'll still get his shot at Sasuke...who is slung over his shoulder, unconscious but very much not atomized. He then says he has something he wants to explain to everyone, after which he will pose a question.

It's time to find out about Madara's "Project Tsuki no Me" at last.

Elsewhere, Sakura, Sai, Lee, and Kiba are on their way to the Land of Iron to talk to Naruto.

Back at the tense summit room, Raikage tries to attack Madara and Sasuke, but he phases right through Madara, who sucks Sasuke into his Sharingan.

Yyyyyeah neither one of them is even physically there... >.>;;

Or perhaps Madara is somewhere in the room, because he sucks Karin into his Sharingan so she can treat Sasuke.

Seriously, I'm starting to hate the seemingly infinite powers of those fucked-up eyes.

Anyway, Madara starts talking. First, he says that the whole point of sending Sasuke after Danzo was so he could capture all five Kage and hold them hostage to implement Tsuki no Me. He also reveals that he is "a shell of his former self" after his battle with Shodaime Hokage and has "almost no power", which is why he must manipulate others into acting on his behalf.

Madara reveals that the nine Bijuu are actually pieces of a much more powerful monster that possessed unfathomable chakra: the Ten-Tails. Long ago, the Sage himself was the Jinchuuriki of the Ten-Tails, but as the time of his death approached, he used all of his power to split the chakra of the Ten-Tails into the nine Bijuu known to the shinobi world in order to prevent it from destroying humankind, then flung its powerless body into the sky, where it became the moon.

Madara's plan is to revive the Ten-Tails and become its Jinchuuriki, which will allow him to strengthen his doujutsu to the point where he can project his Mangekyo Sharingan onto the surface of the moon, turning the moon itself into a giant Sharingan, through which he will use Infinite Tsukuyomi to draw every single person in the world into a genjutsu where he will control all human life and thus unite the world.

Madara demands the immediate surrender of the Eight-Tails and Nine-Tails, or he will declare war on the Five Great Nations. Raikage is surprised to learn that Akatsuki does not have his brother, and that his entire roaring rampage of revenge was completely pointless. Darui is not the least bit surprised at this news.

When the Kage refuse to surrender the two remaining Jinchuuriki, Madara declares the start of the Fourth Great Shinobi War and his intent to unleash the seven Bijuu Akatsuki already possess. He then leaves.

In the stunned silence that follows, Gaara says that the only hope they have is to quickly form the Allied Shinobi Forces and prepare for war. Raikage, having learned Killer B is still alive and well, has had all the fight drained out of him, and he agrees to go along with whatever the others decide, as long as they're quick about it. When asked about the Hokage, Raikage says that Danzo has lost all confidence, and once the Konoha ninja learn what has transpired at the Summit, he will quickly be stripped of power and replaced. Gaara promises to speak to a Konoha jounin he trusts concerning the Allied Shinobi Forces: Hatake Kakashi. The other Kage readily agree that Kakashi is a far more worthy candidate for Hokage.

C suggests that the most important thing to do at the moment is to send a tracking unit to find Killer B and put him under guard since Akatsuki are probably searching for him. Raikage orders it made so. Mizukage says that the first goal of the Allied Shinobi Forces should be to send the remaining two Jinchuuriki into hiding. Tsuchikage counters that with Akatsuki wielding seven Bijuu, it's a safer bet to put their two remaining Jinchuuriki to use in the coming war. Gaara disagrees with this plan, fearing that doing this is exactly what Madara wants.

Raikage, in a complete reversal of his earlier rage-driven, thoughtless behavior, is now calm, rational, and agrees with Kazekage and Mizukage, adding that putting his brother on the battlefield in a time of active warfare is a risky proposition, because Killer B is too wild and unpredictable and has no concept of military strategy. Gaara admits that Naruto would be exactly as bad on the battlefield.

With a plan of action decided upon, Raikage tells Gaara that they'll leave talking to Kakashi up to him, and also tells him where he can probably find both Kakashi and Naruto.

Tsuchikage still has his doubts about not simply using the Eight-Tails and Nine-Tails right out of the gate, but Mifune points out that while the power Madara wields is unknown, the power of an Allied Shinobi Forces is equally unknown, which levels the playing field, and further adds weight to the power being brought to bear against Akatsuki by pledging the support of the Samurai.

Back at the inn, Naruto is meditating to enter Sennin Mode for a longer duration when Sakura-tachi arrive to speak to him.

But before we get to hear about Sakura's feelings, we get to hear some really obnoxious enka singing as Killer B gets his first enka lesson, which is mercifully interrupted by the arrival of Kisame.

New opening in episode 206! Thank god, I was getting tired of that Diver one.

Back at the summit hall, Mifune selects Lord A (Raikage) as the leader of the Allied Shinobi Forces. Mizukage and Gaara immediately concur with this decision, now that Raikage has stopped acting like a roid rager. The first thing Raikage does is convince Tsuchikage to stop being a contrary old man and actually provide something useful to the Allied Shinobi Forces' effort to save the ninja world.

Thank god. I am SICK of that old bastard.

The next step, of course, is to notify the Daimyou of all that has transpired, since they nominally rule the Five Great Nations.

But anyway, back to the important part: Sakura's juicy-juicy love confession, which stuns everyone. She says she's given up the torch she's been carrying for Sasuke and that she was crazy to pine after him for so long. She then gets around to the real point of all this: letting Naruto off the hook regarding his years-old promise to bring Sasuke back to Konoha safely.

Naruto's not having it. He knows Sakura too well to buy that she'd suddenly confess her love to him and ask him to just forget Sasuke.

There's a lot of truth mixed into what Sakura says, including the personal admission that Sasuke is a stranger now and simply keeps moving farther and farther away, while Naruto has become someone worthy of admiration. But still, her "love confession" is a failed tactic, because Naruto isn't buying it. His words to Sakura are angry:

Naruto: "I hate people who lie to themselves!"

His words anger Sakura to the point where she starts speaking truthfully:

Sakura: "You think I came all the way out here 'just' to tell you that?! Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke, that's all you think about! You're the Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi! Hunted by Akatsuki! You need to start worrying about yourself for a change! I'm saying that it's not necessary to endanger yourself just to chase after Sasuke!"

Naruto tells Sakura it isn't about the promise anymore, because he's learned things that make him more completely understand Sasuke. He starts to blab the whole story, but Kakashi stops him, reminding him of the promise the three men present for Madara's little story made to keep it under wraps for now. He amends his statement to simply say that the promise no longer matters, because it's his personal wish to save Sasuke.

With nothing left to say, Sakura's party returns to Konoha in dark spirits, but Sai secretly leaves behind an ink bunshin. However, Sakura suddenly announces that she's going to begin searching for Sasuke herself, beginning immediately, and requests Kiba's assistance.

The Kage go their separate ways to begin preparations for the birth of the Allied Shinobi Forces: Tsuchikage to notify the Daimyou, Mizukage to rendezvous with Ao, Raikage to begin the search for Killer B, and Kazekage to find Kakashi.

Elsewhere, Killer B and his enka master—who turns out to be a formidable warrior in his own right—battle Kisame, and quickly learn how dangerous he and his chakra-sucking sword Samehada truly are.

Oh hey, a new ending too! ...I don't like it.

Danzo and his men examine the remains of Zetsu's tumor clones. They also start laying traps for Ao.

I think this is the first time Samehada has ever been seen in full. It's...oh my god it's freaky.

Ao falls victim to a Mind Transfer Jutsu booby trap hidden in a puppet left by Danzo's retainer, Yamanaka Fuu. (Holy SHIT, that guy's one of Ino's relatives!?) However, the new owner of Ao's body is unable to destroy his Byakugan thanks to a special Barrier Jutsu protecting it. Fuu is willing to go to greater lengths to destroy Ao's Byakugan and cripple Kirigakure's strength.

Meanwhile, B enters "Version 2" state, a form similar to the one Naruto entered during his battle with Pain. Unlike Naruto, however, B can control this form. B tears a huge hole in Kisame's torso, but Samehada transfers B's stolen chakra into Kisame to repair the tissue damage, and Kisame casts a jutsu that creates a giant ball of water in the middle of the forest, trapping them all inside.

Ao, trapped in a puppet body, watches helplessly as Fuu attempts suicide, planning to release the Mind Transfer Jutsu the instant before Ao's body is beheaded. However, his plan fails as Mizukage appears and stops him from landing on the sickle. Fuu attempts to pretend to be Ao, but Mizukage realizes he's still being controlled. Mizukage smacks him hard enough to break the Mind Transfer Jutsu and return Ao to his body.

Kisame fuses with Samehada to become a full-blown sharkman and chases B, who is trying to sake the enka singer and his giant raccoon. The Eight-Tails points out to him that the giant water ball is in motion, with Kisame at the center, and swimming away from him is accomplishing nothing. In order to save the enka master and his pet, B has to drop them and swim in the opposite direction so Kisame and his water ball will follow. That plan, however, is a dismal failure: Kisame sees through it and moves to kill them, forcing B to risk himself protecting them. B surprises Kisame with an unexpected move and expels the enka dude and the raccoon from the water ball. B then attempts to escape by filling the water with octopus ink, but Kisame can sense chakra through his skin while fused with Samehada, so B's escape trick fails.

Kisame drains B until he falls unconscious, then prepares to lop his legs off as a precaution. Out of nowhere, however, Samehada suddenly rebels against Kisame and heals B! Kisame kicks Samehada away and takes B's ordinary katana to finish the job, but without Samehada, Kisame has no protection against B's mid-range lightning-style vibration-enhancement projectile attacks, and B nails him point-blank with a lightning-charged pencil, but it only grazes him. However, it buys enough time for Raikage, Darui, and C to arrive. Raikage and B use a Double Lariat to punch Kisame's head off his body. Raikage then punishes his brother for his shenanigans.

Back at the summit hall, Juugo and Suigetsu, trying to pass themselves off as Samurai Stormtroopers, are found out by an officer.

At the inn, while Naruto is trying to figure out what got into Sakura, Sai's bunshin walks up to them to tell Naruto what Sakura really wanted to say before:

That Naruto's nakama have all committed themselves to killing Sasuke.

Naruto is upset that Sakura didn't just come out and say that in the first place instead of trying to swerve around it, but Sai explains that Sakura hoped to relieve Naruto of all his burdens and guilt. He knows, however, that she expected Naruto's reaction, and simply couldn't tell him the truth.

Yamato asks why Sakura bothered with all of this if she never intended to be truthful with Naruto, and before Sai can tell them of his assumption (his bunshin wasn't there for what actually happened, remember), Kakashi figures it out first and says, in as blunt a way as possible, that Sakura is going to kill Sasuke herself. Naruto can't believe Sakura would ever do such a thing, not to the Sasuke she loves so much—but Sai says that it's because of her love for Sasuke that Sakura is doing this. She can't stand to see him turn more and more evil.

With this, the tragedy of Team 7 is complete: there is no more Team 7. There is just Naruto and his burden of guilt, Sakura and her burden of determination and guilt, and Sasuke and his burden of endless hatred and vengeance, redirecting itself from one target to another.

Before Naruto has time to shed tears, Gaara and his team arrive.

Elsewhere, Madara confronts Danzo and his retainers. Faced with a truly dangerous adversary, Danzo abandons the pretense of being a crippled man and begins "unsealing" his right arm, which turns out to be bound in a series of extremely heavy shackles.

Fuu and Torune attempt to fight Madara to buy Danzo time, but can't land a blow on him. Torune attempts to use his special jutsu when Madara counterattacks Fuu's decoy attack, but Madara saw right through it and never solidified, tricking Torune into hitting his own nakama with his jutsu. At first, Madara mistakes the attack as a chakra infusion jutsu, but Torune reveals they're actually microscopic beetles.

Great, Danzo's even corrupted an Aburame?!

Madara is impressed that even an Aburame has been co-opted into Root. He sucks Torune into his eye; when the venom beetles infest his right arm, he rips it off and kicks it away, then sucks Fuu into his eye.

Man, just when you thought you were used to the kind of freaks that show up in this series...

After hearing about the situation from Gaara-tachi, Kakashi is hesitant to accept the title of Hokage, and says that even if he were to accept, he'd have to return to Konoha to discuss it first. Temari argues that there's no time for discussion with everything having gone completely sideways, and Yamato agrees, basically saying "she's right, and it's not like anybody's really going to argue, so just go ahead and declare yourself Hokage and deal with this shit." Kakashi agrees.

Hatake Kakashi is now Acting Rokudaime Hokage.

Gaara informs Naruto that if, in the course of the battle with Akatsuki, he is forced to deal with Uchiha Sasuke as an enemy on the battlefield, he will show no mercy, as he is prepared to lay down his life, as Kazekage, to protect not only his village, but the remaining two Jinchuuriki.

Gaara: "Sasuke doesn't care about you. All he wants is darkness. Naruto, you told me, 'I am going to be the Hokage.' I have become the Kazekage. If you are prepared to shoulder the burden of being a Kage, then do what is right as Sasuke's friend."

Before the Suna-nin leave, Gaara has one thing left to say to Naruto:

Gaara: "I consider you my friend. In the past, 'friend' was nothing but a word to me. Nothing more, nothing less. But after meeting you, you made me realize that the meaning of that word is what's important. What does it mean? What can you do for Sasuke? Think hard about that."

Elsewhere, Madara releases a fully-healed Sasuke from his Sharingan in front of Danzo...

...who has finished unsealing and unbinding his arm.

It's covered in Sharingan.

When Sasuke asks how the hell, Danzo simply says "Through various means."

Needless to say, Sasuke, who was ALREADY pissed, is now beyond pissed.

Danzo doesn't have much longer to live here.

Kakashi orders Yamato and Naruto to return to Konoha while he goes after Sakura to talk her out of getting herself killed. Everything that's happened finally gets to Naruto. He suffers a massive anxiety attack and collapses.

Sasuke demands the truth about Itachi from Danzo, and Danzo confirms what Sasuke has been told. Danzo then rants about his bullshit philosophy and how Itachi telling Sasuke everything makes him a traitor, and Sasuke's Susano'o crushes him like a grape.

Only not, because what he was holding was never Danzo, who is right behind him. Derp.

Danzo seems to be everywhere at once, yet isn't using bunshin or genjutsu. Every time Sasuke "kills" Danzo, he pops up somewhere else, completely unharmed. Danzo then forces Sasuke on the defensive.

During the battle, Karin observes one of the Sharingan on Danzo's arm closing each time he does something seemingly impossible.

Speaking of the impossible, Itachi appears behind Danzo...!

It's a genjutsu, of course, but it fails, and Danzo counters with a curse mark that paralyzes Sasuke—which he placed some time earlier and has just now activated. With Sasuke disabled, Danzo disarms him, laments that Itachi gave his life to save "such a piece of trash", and prepares to kill Sasuke with his own sword. However, Sasuke's complete Susano'o awakens, and free from the curse mark, Sasuke's power grows to a whole new level.

Danzo can't weave the signs he needs in time to evade Susano'o's attack, so he plays his trump card and grows a tree out of his shoulder to deflect the attack. This blatant use of a Wood-style jutsu tells Madara what Danzo's secret is: that freakish arm has Shodai Hokage's DNA, which allows him to control so many Sharingan.

Oh, and there's a face on his shoulder too. Did not notice that before. :pinkiesick2:

Karin realizes what's going on and alerts Sasuke that Danzo is now vulnerable and can be killed, but it's too late.

Madara, on the other hand, realizes something even more significant: the extent of Danzo's body modifications and jutsu mean he's probably out to become the jinchuuriki of Kyuubi.

I'll stop pretending I didn't look up exactly what the fuck is going on here on Narutopedia now and break flow to explain:

Danzo is using a forbidden jutsu called Izanagi. While the jutsu is active, any physical damage to the user's body—up to and including death—becomes an illusion, while anything that happens which is advantageous to the user is written as hard, immutable reality, effectively giving the user control of the line between illusion and reality. However, for each sixty seconds Izanagi is active, the user permanently loses the use of the Sharingan which invokes it. This is why Danzo has that horrible arm full of stolen Uchiha eyes: for ten minutes (ten Sharingan in his arm), he can use Izanagi to be completely invincible, at the cost of a buttload of chakra and one Sharingan per minute.

Even with this ridiculously overpowered jutsu, Danzo realizes that he's in trouble if he can't finish Sasuke off with at least four minutes of Izanagi left if he hopes to defeat Madara, and Sasuke is a much stronger opponent than he was expecting.

Danzo summons the youkai Baku in an attempt to immobilize Susano'o and use Baku's suction force to amplify the power of his vacuum bullet jutsu. His gambit fails when Sasuke feeds Baku a fireball to shut it up before Danzo can take advantage of the opening.

Sasuke collapses and coughs up blood, and his Susano'o disappears. Karin times the closing of the next Sharigan on Danzo's arm and counts exactly sixty seconds.

Karin tries to inform Sasuke about the properties of Danzo's jutsu, but Sasuke already knew. He's been dragging this battle out from the beginning because he suspected all along that Danzo was using Izanagi. Sasuke reactivates Susano'o and engages Danzo, who loses another Sharingan after no-selling the next attack. Danzo has now used up so much chakra that each time he "dies", a Sharingan closes, greatly reducing the effective lifespan of Izanagi.

With both fighters reaching their limit, each one prepares an all-out chakra strike...and each pierces the other with a blade made of chakra.

Danzo claims victory as Izanagi is still active...and then is surprised when he realizes that he is, in fact, mortally wounded. Izanagi has failed to dismiss Sasuke's attack.

Sasuke releases the genjutsu he had used on Danzo, which Danzo had not even noticed, having already dismissed Sasuke's genjutsu skills as unimportant. In reality, Danzo had long since used up his last Sharingan, and could no longer use Izanagi.

In the end, Danzo was brought low by a simple, genin-level genjutsu that any ninja could have used.

God that's poetic.

Karin rushes to Sasuke's side to heal him as he collapses from the wound Danzo inflicted in their mutual exchange of deathblows.

Danzo's not quite ready to give up yet, though. Even mortally wounded, he's still got a trick or two...such as growing a tree out of the face on his shoulder.

Except he doesn't exactly do that on purpose. He's lost control of the cells of Shodai Hokage in his right arm and is being overtaken. In a panic, he rips off his right arm, then unbinds his right eye—Uchiha Shisui's Sharingan—to make his final stand.

Danzo takes Karin hostage to buy time while he tries to figure out how to control Madara—who he decides is the better option because Sasuke has reached his limit—before he dies from his wound. Sasuke tells Karin not to move...

...then uses his Chidori Spear right through her, striking a vital deathblow to finish Danzo.

Karin realizes that she never meant anything to Sasuke.

;_;

Okay, at this point I'm going to break the flow of this blog again to say something personal about everything that's just happened and everything that happens later. There are massive spoilers for the end of the manga in the next few paragraphs, so be warned.

I've read a few more late-manga/end-of-series spoilers than I should have. I know Sasuke eventually goes back to Konoha. I know about Sarada. I know Sasuke has a happy ending after all.

After what just happened? I don't want Sasuke to have a happy ending, and I hate that he eventually gets redeemed. He doesn't deserve redemption.

Seeing what Sasuke did to Karin makes me angry. I absolutely wish Sasuke would be killed. But I know he gets to live, gets redeemed, and has a daughter later on. And that makes me furious.

Danzo tries to run away. Sasuke calmly follows him with a superior smirk on his face.

Madara corners Danzo to take Shisui's eye.

What follows is one of those flashbacks that, in Naruto, lets you know someone is about to die for real.

We get a flashback to Danzo and Hiruzen as young men and comrades, escaping from a dangerous situation with the rest of their cell to meet up with Nidaime Hokage and his team.

We even see Homura and Koharu as young shinobi here. Wow. O.o;; I kind of always thought they were civilian advisors...not retired shinobi...

Anyway, seven Konoha shinobi are pinned down by 20 Kumo shinobi. They realize one of them will have to serve as a decoy to allow the others to escape, and will most certainly die. Danzo knows it's his duty to volunteer to die for his village, but is paralyzed with fear, and mortified when Hiruzen volunteers before him.

Danzo realizes that he's a coward. Angry at Hiruzen's casual attitude and his own cowardice, he says he was about to volunteer, because he feels it's his duty to die on the battlefield, just as his father and grandfather did.

Nidaime firmly informs everyone that he will be the decoy, and orders Danzo and Sarutobi to work together as comrades rather than behaving like rivals. He then names Sarutobi Hiruzen as Sandaime Hokage on the spot.

Back in the present, Danzo angrily declares that for the sake of Konoha and the ninja world, he will not allow the last two Uchiha to live, and activates the Reverse Tetragram Sealing Jutsu, which even Madara has an OH SHIT moment over because it creates a black sphere around the user's body at the moment of death. Anything caught inside the sphere is sealed within the user's corpse.

Danzo's last lament is that in the end, he was never able to become Hokage, and thus never caught up to Hiruzen.

"Na, Hiruzen...what was I to you...?"

Sakura's team has finally located Sasuke. Asking Kiba for Sasuke's precise location, Sakura attempts to knock the others out with a sleeping gas bomb, but Sai suspected she was going to do this and stops her. Lee and Kiba are upset that Sakura was going to try to fight Sasuke on her own, without them.

Sai steps in front of the team and informs them that he will not let them proceed with the attack, because fighting Sasuke and Madara is suicide, and he's under orders from Kakashi to stop them. Sakura prepares to force Sai out of the way. Kiba and Lee tense up, ready to fight Sai needlessly. Kiba and Lee lunging headlong into the fray distracts Sai long enough for Sakura to drop three sleeping gas bombs and slip away to face Sasuke alone.

Sai's ink clone warns Kakashi that Sakura has defeated her allies, then dissipates. Kakashi increases his pace, taking a moment to admire Sakura's skills.

This is no time to be impressed, Kakashi!

Sakura reflects on how her infatuation with Sasuke grew into love over time. Which essentially means a lot of Part I flashbacks. She also reflects on how all this time, she selfishly clung to Naruto and relied on him without doing anything about Sasuke. And now she's realized what a raging demonic asshole Sasuke is.

Speaking of Sasuke, he and Madara have just escaped Danzo's take-you-with-me-no-jutsu, and now Sasuke is determined to go back to Konoha and kill some more people—this time, people who probably don't deserve to die. Madara advises him to go back to the hideout and rest, because he's overtaxed his Sharingan and is risking his vision and doujutsu. He then uses his freaky powers to absorb Danzo's corpse so he can recover Shisui's Sharingan, then advises Sasuke to finish off Karin.

Yes, somehow, incredibly, she's still alive. She's survived a mortal wound that should have killed her.

Karin, who is busy slowly dying from the wounds Sasuke inflicted, reflects back on how she met him at the Chuunin Exams all those years ago. She was just a frightened little kunoichi who was about to be eaten by a bear, and Sasuke saved her life. She remembers how his face looked back then, then looks up at the cold, dead face of the man he has become now, and wishes she could see the past Sasuke just one more time.

Just as Sasuke charges up his Chidori to kill Karin, Sakura arrives.

Sasuke: (dissipates his Chidori) "It's you, Sakura. What are you doing here?"
Sakura: "I've come to join you. I'm deserting Konohagakure!"

Wait.

WHAT?!

One Piece

Now entering the Summit War Saga!

The World Government is still up in arms about Luffy's defeat of Gecko Moria, and Bartholomew Kuma returning to the capital of the World Government without Luffy's head isn't helping matters. Vice-Admiral Garp finds the whole thing hilarious, but Fleet Admiral Sengoku isn't laughing.

And on their current course, the Thousand Sunny should be headed right for Marine HQ...

But of more immediate concern is the Yuda Current the ship enters while half the crew are fishing. The Yuda Current is a disturbed area of sea where multiple waterspouts form instantaneously, endangering any ships caught in their midst. Only the freakish skills and abilities of the Mugiwara Pirates are able to see them through this rough current, as they have the power and skill to, impossible as it may seem, destroy, disrupt, and dissipate destructive waterspouts with their attacks. But on the other side of the Yuda Current is the most exciting thing the Mugiwara Pirates have seen in a long time:

Over 320 episodes after entering the Grand Line, four new crewmates, and a metric buttload of adventures and freakishly overpowered battles later, the Mugiwara Pirates have reached the halfway point. The Thousand Sunny has just arrived at the Red Line, exactly 180 degrees longitude around the world from where the Going Merry first entered the Grand Line.

The New World awaits.

Having reached the Red Line, the Thousand Sunny is now precariously close to the Marine HQ, as well as the Holy Land Mariejois, capital of the World Government.

But worse than that...they're kind of stuck, with no idea as to how to reach Fishman Island, because the Log Pose is pointing straight down.

Zoro trains and some of the others screw around a little while Luffy, Robin, and Brook use the Shark Submerge III to explore the ocean below the Red Line. They surface, reporting that there's no sign of any way to reach Fishman Island—or that it even exists. While they're contemplating this, a sea monster the sub ran into below surfaces and attacks. Luffy takes it out with a single punch, and before falling back into the sea, it barfs up a mermaid! And her weird starfish...snail...companion thing that talks.

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