I have come to a certain point in life · 9:19pm Mar 1st, 2016
Not age ..... Not financial or social status...
But to an emotional breakpoint.
Ever since !e mom left, sold me and told me she never loved me, I torture myself. I blame myself for everything she did. How she treated me. What she did to my father...
I decided I wanted to be perfect. So I'd never disappoint someone. Nor hurt someone. It went pretty well... I tortured myself for every mistake I make, I don't allow myself to have fun and I get myself in trouble just so I could get punished. But I was in my comfortable little circle.
But .... Around August 2012? .... It all went down.slowly....
I found my little pony, friendship is magic. Oh, I remember how I saw my first episode. In the kitchen.... Watching how discord made his entrance.... I thought. "Hey, maybe I can have fun! Maybe I should stop and .... Smile...."
But after years of living in a lie, I couldn't just step out of it and face the truth. My steph mom and dad had high expectations, so they were really disappointed in me, watching mlp. (Or, that's the lie I believe)
With a constant fear and shame, I kept torturing myself.
But then I found fimfiction! I could vent and feel better about myself! Yay!
NOT! I helped many people. I shared their pain and I brought a smile. And then there was this wonderful girl, cute, kind and totally out of my reach. But guess what? She ended up being my gf! Perfect, right?
Until she cheated. March, 2015 .... She cheated on me, tortured me and lied to me for so damned long. It was over .... I was. Done and gave up for the very first time. She killed the last bit of happiness in me.
Later, people I cared about died, hate me, or stab me in the back, or lie .... *sigh* there are only q handful of people I can trust..... And I hope you understand the I have troubles trusting someone.
Now.... Wanna know some more shitty news? Because everything I've said in this blog is actually a short version and my pain roots way deeper. But I won't bother you with that. It's to complicated.....
We're gonna move to Hungary. And.... That means I'll have to leave fimfiction.... I have to leave my friends... My dream .... My life....
I'm done. I'm broken.... I .... I'm close to drinking again.... I don't want to! But.... I'm close....
At this point.... I feel like I'm laying at the ground with a sword in my chest.... I either pull it out and die, leaving everything..... Or I keep it in and slowly fade away, holding onto the few things I care and slip away..... Both options are terrifying....
I'm sorry if i sound overly dramatic....
I leave the 24the of march.... And the funny thing? That's my two year celebration here on fim....
But I keep on to the very small chance of being able to be online again from 3th of April.... Less or rarely online .... But... Hope is hope. Even if it's faked.... It gives a bit strength....
Love all of you.
I just hope you will try and come on. Some people still beilive in you
3786374 believe in what? Exactly?
I've seen and felt much pain while I was here...
3786386 I..Kinda now. I wasn't here from the beggining, but I know there were the ups and downs.
3786388 I've seen fights and felt pains no person deserves.... It's time for me to move on .... Dying like I should have lived.... Alone....
don't leave.
Can you pm me please? Whsn you have time? There is something i wish to talk to you about.
3786408 I don't have a choice.... My life here in Belgium is over. My school days are over.... My dreams are over.....
3786411 okay....
3786413 and...?
3786401 Well to bad you met me, I will always bug you when I can and be with you, you are a friend!
3786420 a new live in a strange country begins. No friends, just me as the black sheep of the family.
3786421 *hugs* thank you
Hun, dreams are never ever over. They will remain in your head until you act on them.
3786429 I guess.... Thanks.
3786431 :) I'm glad to have such wonderful friends
3786426 oh my.....Why are you moving?
3786426 Not a problem! And there is more to come!
3786434 *Hug*
3786434 when you gain the needed stability to act upon your dreams then do so.
3786436 my parents.....
3786438 *hugs tight*
3786444 that's some ghandi stuff.... XD
3786454 oh my...
3786454 I am not leaving you, trust me.
3786459 yea.... From teacher to bartender.... Nice career switch I'm having
3786468 thank you :) you're the best!
Don't leave, bro...
Look at how many people believe in you... if just one person can believe...
3786475 You are awsome dude
And you are gonna stay awsome with me here
Don't drink!! That will just make it worse!!
It'll all be ok, you'll see
3786477 i don't don't.... Have a choice.....
3786478 that'd be awesome
3786489 I am going nowhere!!!!!!
3786489
What do you mean you don't have a choice?
3786487 one evening.
3786498 yay!
3786511 Im moving away. I can't be online when I have to work my ass off
3786531
When you're done, bro, we'll be here.
3786551 I'm never done...
3786563
Well, you're not getting rid of me that easily...
3786569 oh please.... We barely talked for the past months....
3786577
What's your point? Im always here if any of you need to talk. Just talk and I'll listen.
3786586 that's nice. Thank you
3786593
No problem, bro.
3786596 do you.... Mind if we pm?
3786597
Absolutely not. Go on.