Critique Review: How the West Was Lost · 8:38pm Feb 3rd, 2016
Hello, everypony, I am the Critique.
AND WELCOME TO FIRE EMBLEM MONTH!
Fire Emblem is one of my favorite video gaming franchises and has been ever since the first Fire Emblem game I played, Path of Radiance, in 2008. I realize that most of you aren’t familiar with this game or anything about it, other than the characters of Ike and Marth from Smash Brothers, so I’ll give a brief history.
In 1990, the first title of the series, Shadow Dragon and the Blade of Light, was released for the Famicom. The story followed the adventures of Marth and his journey to save his kingdom from an evil dragon. Unlike other games, where the player would have to save a damsel or something. Fire Emblem usually had females working with the males to achieve their goals.
Fire Emblem is a tactical role-playing game, which takes place in turn based tactical combat in grid based environments. However, the characters and storylines take note from a traditional RPG standpoint, with each characters having separate classes that can do different things.
Unique to Fire Emblem is that each character you gain as an ally has their own backstory and personality.
Also, many of the games introduce the concept of perm-death in the game. Many tactics games have spells or items that allow you to revive a fallen unit. In Fire Emblem, once a unit is dead, they usually stay that way. There are a couple of exceptions, but they don’t appear in every game. This means if you lose a character, someone you’ve spent a lot of time and investment in, experience points and the like, you will either have to restart the chapter or move on and hope you gain another unit like it, letting those experience points go down the drain.
This aspect of the game has caused me to hit the reset button on my game like a disobedient dog! As I would lose character over and over, by either RNG (Random Number Generator), bad luck, or over confidence.
Most western gamers had never played a Fire Emblem game before during those days, because the developer, now called Intelligence Systems, didn’t think western gamers would be interested in this kind of tactical gameplay. However, in 2001, an idea was proposed. Intelligence Systems decided to gamble with another of their titles, Advance War, and send it to America. If the title did well, it would allow for other titles they own, such as Fire Emblem, to be released to the US.
The difference to this game compared to games in the past like this, was the in deep, easy to follow tutorial that taught gamers how to play. With such a throughout education, players were able to easily understand the games more complex strategies and the game became an overseas success.
This allowed for every Fire Emblem title since number 7 to be released to America.
Well… almost all of them…
I’m looking at you Japanese exclusive title!
Still, it remains my favorite video games series for it's simple to learn, but still deep and challenging gameplay, interesting characters and storylines, and chess-like turn based combat that makes use of all the units in your army.
And what better way to appreciate a game then to look at some really bad fan fiction about it?! … I think I may have that a bit backwards.
Today, we’ll be looking at a fanfiction from a girl named ‘Zilver Hawk’. She apparently also loves Fire Emblem, the Legend of Zelda as well writing and reading. At least according to her FanFiction page.
And on that page, she gives a brief summary of her OC. but it has nothing to do with the story for today, so I won’t comment on it. What I can say, with all the information I see, it’s kind of a family tragedy, which results in her staying with a very powerful main character from the original games.
Think of it as, a pony losing their family and being adopted by Celestia. Yeah… that kind of OC.
But I’m not here to comment on that. Let’s just dig into ‘How the West Was Lost’ by Zilver Hawk.
The West…a wild, untamed landscape full of both good and evil. There is a line, a distinct between the two. That line is called justice. I am vengeance, I am justice, I am the Masked Stranger. Evil doers, look upon me and tremble.”
And we’re already sinking…
Okay, it might help to know that the story of Fire Emblem, does not, nor will it ever, TAKE PLACE IN A JOHN WAYNE MOVIE! Oh, I’m not even kidding, this story literally takes place in a western. A story about knights, princesses and fire breathing dragons in a western.
… You know… I would normally be cheering for that… if it weren’t for this next line.
Makolov stood up and smiled heroically. "I'm the Masked Stranger, the handsome and mysterious figure of justice that strikes fear into the very core of evil!"
Marcia didn't look convinced. "You've been watching the Batman and John Wayne movies again, haven't you?"
It turns out that Makolov, for your sake I’m calling him ‘Mac’, and Marica are sitting in … never explained setting… and are talking about legends of the west. This is kind of odd since the story that is going on between the two is set in the normal Fire Emblem time period, but they use pop-culture references and talk about the west as if it has happened.
And we finally know what this fic is. It’s one of my least favorite types of fics to review. The random humor fic.
You know the ones, the stories that can’t possibly come up with a good story so they just make random reference to really popular things like Fallout 4. Something that is easily manipulative because a lot of people like it. Instead of focusing on a narrative with interesting characters. Yeah… those kind of fics.
Now, there’s a difference between a crossover fic and a random reference fic. In a crossover fic, you tell a story with both universes incorporated, somehow. A random reference is just a throw away line to tell us about something that really has no purpose in the fic to say. It’s like…
Hey, remember those really scary monsters from Fallout 4?! Well, those are what’s chasing after us, just a different color!
Anyway, Mac whines about Marcia interrupting his story and Marcia rolls her eyes and says that she’ll listen. And something I notice about this story is the abysmal pacing. You’re barely given any time to establish these characters before it move on to the next scene, which funny enough has nothing to do with these characters.
What do you think you're doing, moron?!" yelled Marica at her idiotic older brother.
"You ruined the mood," he complained.
"What mood?"
Makolov stood up and smiled heroically. "I'm the Masked Stranger, the handsome and mysterious figure of justice that strikes fear into the very core of evil!"
Marcia didn't look convinced. "You've been watching the Batman and John Wayne movies again, haven't you?"
Makolov's heroic aura disappeared. "Uh..."
"Makolov..."
"Oh come on..." he whined. "Let me tell the story. It's really cool and it's he only productive thing I think I'm capable of doing!"
Marcia sighed because she knew, deep in her heart, that it was true. "Oh fine, just leave me out of it."
"Yeah! I love you Marcy!" Makolov gave his sister a death hug.
"Get off of me you big oaf!"
"Sorry sis. Now, back to my story. AS I was saying, I am the Masked Stranger. My story begins right after the life of the sheriff of Crimea Town ends..."
In fact, it goes into another story, leaving these two with pretty much nothing. Why couldn’t the story just start with the story of the Masked Stranger and leave that whole scene out? It’s not like we learn anything about the characters in this scene. And yes, I know it makes more sense if you’ve played the games, but a good story is able to establish characters, regardless of whether we’ve played them or not.
Our story truly begins with these words.
"May he rest in peace," said Dr. Rhys as he finished Sheriff Tanas's funeral. Everyone in the crowd yawned and happily buried the coffin.
Guess Sheriff Tanas didn’t have enough… Tenacity!
Apparently, Sheriff Tanas was pretty unlikable in the town. Everyone is really happy that he’s dead now. Why? … I honestly have no idea. The story doesn’t give us much of a reason to hate the guy. Well, except this line…
"He's already better than Tanas," mumbled an underwhelmed Calil. "As long as he doesn't burp in my face at the bar, he'll last."
Yeah, he burped in a girl’s face. Pretty rude, I’ll say that, but does that warrant the whole town wanting him dead?
What else did he do?! Did he drown kittens?! Did he eat people’s children in the street and force the parent’s to watch?! Did he kill someone’s parents in a car crash?!
...NO! NO! Bad Critique, no Mykanuary jokes!
Anyway, a new sheriff is elected, a character named Kieran, and his first act as sheriff is to be better than the previous sheriff… By being a hypocrite.
"Thank you everyone," started the new sheriff. "As my first act as sheriff, I will try to be better than Tanas. By the way, I don't think I'm going to be investegating his death. There are just way to many suspects."
Ignoring the atrocious spelling that makes me wonder if there was any proofreading to this story, SOMEONE WAS JUST MURDERED IN YOUR TOWN! You are honestly going to let someone get away with murder just because you didn’t like the guy! What kind of lawman are you?!
And again, we are never given context for why Tanas was killed! Is Tanas a real person?! This person the story is talking about is not in one of the games! Kieran and the mentioned Calill are, with Calill now being ‘Calil’, I guess checking the spelling of names was not priority… But Tanas, this is an original character! Is this a hate fic for Tanas? If so, I feel sorry for whoever Tanas is.
So, there’s this mystery going around with who the killer could be. Who could have killed Tanas? What kind of monster would take another human beings life? What kind of…
He's already better than Tanas," mumbled an underwhelmed Calil. "As long as he doesn't burp in my face at the bar, he'll last." She fumbled around with a fire tomb which just happened to be be the murder weapon that killed Tanas.
Are you fucking kidding me?!
First off, and to a lesser point, the word ‘tomb’ does not belong in that sentence! A tomb is a crypt or a burial site! The word you were looking for is ‘tome’! A book! In the world of Fire Emblem, magic is used by having books that each use different type of spells. That’s what the story is referring to.
Two, thanks for keeping the mystery of the story! All that suspense of the investigation is pretty much a wash now! Not that the characters were going to investigate anyway since apparently it’s too much paperwork.
Three, according to the story, Tanas was burned to death! Was that not enough evidence to go on?! Was his body burned beyond recognition? That eliminates any suspect who can’t produce fire magic! This is common sense, man! My only thought is that Mac really doesn’t like Tanas and is coming up with contrived reason why they won’t investigate his murder.
Anyway, immediately after that, he goes to a character named Oscar, who claims he is missing his brother. His brother, Boyd, who happens to be standing right next to him, responds thusly.
After Kieran had finished his speech, Oscar went to go talk to him. "My brother's gone missing," he said sadly which was out of character for the normally happy paladin.
"What do you mean?" asked Deputy Boyd. "I'm right here. Don't you ever pay attention?"
Kieran stared at Boyd blankly.
"I'm talking about Rolf," said Oscar. "For the last time, you're night my only brother."
Yeah, Boyd, you’re the Luna of siblings.
It turns out that Rolf and a girl named Mist had been kidnapped by a man named King Komodo. Oh, so he’s not lost. Why does this concern the sheriff?
"He's the only one that would take the job. Now, back to Rolf. He's been missing for two weeks. Both he and Mist were kidnapped by King Komodo."
Two weeks?! And you’re just now going to the sheriff?! What kind of older sibling are you?!
Who knows what they’ve done to that kid?!
Rolf: I don’t wanna eat broccoli.
Bandit: Come on, no one else wants to eat it!
Anyway, the story is interrupted when the entire cast of Fire Emblem beat Mac to death, I mean… come to listen to his ‘wonderful, wonderful’ story. The reason being they have nothing better to do… No, I’m dead serious…
Mercenaries poured in. Even the ravens, cats, hawks, dragons, herons, wolves, Crimean Royal Knights, and Queen Elincia joined in.
"Don't you guys have anything better to do?" asked Marcia.
"No," said Naesala. "The roads are snowed in."
"It's the middle of July!"
"Why don't you ask those two over there?" said Geoffrey bitterly as he pointed towards Soren and Nasir.
"Don't you point any fingers at me," said Soren. "I was only trying out a new spell...which didn't turn out so well..."
"What was it called? Blizzard?"
"Maybe...I still blame Nasir."
"I was just trying to prove a point. My natural ice is way better than your man-made fake magic."
"My magic was powerful enough to start a storm!"
"No it didn't and I froze the lake."
"Well at least I didn't destroy part of town."
"Oh, and you only killed half the forest!"
"You want to go?!"
"Bring it on, shrimp!"
Well, you’re fat!
You’re a bitch!
Least I don’t have a purple dick on my forehead!
Least I get dick!
Fuck face!
Dim wit!
Meet you in the bedroom.
You know it.
I hope you enjoyed that scene because it plays no part in the rest of the story.
After catching the other characters up to speed, which is always good in a story with pacing issues! We meet the sheriff’s partner…
Kieran absorbed the information and walked into his new office. He saw pictures of all the members of the infamous bandits stapled to the wall. Just as their name suggested, the all wore black bandannas to conceal their identities. One face in particular caught his eye, El Poco Frijole. Those eyes resonated with pure evil.
"It looks like you 'ave a bit of a mess on yur hands," said a mysterious figure standing in the doorway. "I reckon you'll be needin' my help."
"I don't think I'll be needin' your help."
"THIS IS MY STORY AND YOU WILL NEED MY HELP!!!"
"Fine..."
"Now, as I said, I'm the Masked Stranger and this is my partner-"
"You say my name you die!" said an annoyed voice.
"GET OUT HERE SIDEKICK!"
Slowly, Shinon made his way into the sheriff's office. He gave Makolov a death glare.
Wait, did the characters in the story just become self-aware?! What the hell is going on?! Why does it keep switching back and forth like this?!
And right after that… this scene happens…
"I AM NO SIDEKICK!" shouted Shinon.
"Marcia was my sidekick until she made me promise to keep her out of my story, so I chose you."
"Why?!"
"Because...Naesala would rip my limbs off and chop me into little pieces if I made him my sidekick."
"It's true you know," said the raven king.
"Get on with the story!" shouted Ike.
The mysterious masked stranger appears and tells them that he knows how to bring the bandits to justice. Actually, go out and take care of them?
And then… Ugh, this is why I hate random fics… It’s random attempts at humor with this scene…
"No, what was that explosion?" Kieran ran outside and saw that the alley next to the bar was completely taken out; however, the bar itself was untouched. Shinon stood in the middle of the mess with a blackened face. The remains of what seemed to be a beer barrel was right next to him.
"That was cool," he said.
"What is going on?" asked Kieran.
"Well, I uh...just proved spontaneous combustion. You see that barrel over there just randomly burst into flames without me having to torch it. The alcohol in the barrel caused it to create a huge explosion!"
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I almost died!
Seriously, I have a hard time taking these fics with any kind of investment. I know they’re random so they’re not suppose to make sense, but just because it’s random doesn't automatically make it funny!
The story is trying too hard to be funny to the point that it’s unbarable. Half the jokes don’t even make sense. It’s not like it's a clever parody of Fire Emblem franchise or anything. These are just things happening in the desperate hope that it gets a laugh.
And so far that’s 0 laughs on my part, though I might just be a humorless git.
And to show you that the story is trying too hard to make me laugh, the story literally does this…
Wait!" yelled Geoffrey. "First off, why am I a bar-tender? And second of all, why am I surrendering?" I would rather die than surrender!"
"You're a bar-tender because I thought you would look cool in the outfit and you're surrendering because..." Makolov paused to think. "THEY THREATENED TO KILL LADY ASTRID!!! Duh...duh...duuuuuuh."
Yes, they did it. A character actually says ‘Duh, Duh, Duh’ in the story, as if just saying the words gives it any tension. The problem is, the bartender has only just now appeared in the story. And has no relevance on the plot whatsoever. So it hardly matters who or what he is. Again, it only vaguely makes sense if you played the game, and even then I still have trouble keeping up with what the fuck is going on.
Fortunately, all the character’s brain seemed to have been lobotomized while I wasn’t looking and they all gasp in horror at this gripping tale.
Everyone gasped simultaneously, except for Geoffrey.
“Oh dear,” said Astrid.
“What happened next?” asked Elincia.
“Well…” the pink-haired paladin started again.
And by gripping, I mean, I want to grip my hooves around it’s neck and strangle it to death.
The story continues with the sheriff, finally deciding that some work needed to be done and his pizza still hadn’t arrived yet (See? I can be random too!), and goes off to battle a bandit leader who is robbing a bank. But is swiftly disarmed by her awesome skills. I can see why he was made sheriff, he’s only slightly less embarrassing than the time they hired a pot plant to be sheriff.
During the skirmish apparently the bartender is killed, to which the character of the bartender is peeved that he got a minor role. Personally, I’d be happy to be out of this fucking mess!
Anyway, the bartender attacks the storyteller, at this point, I’m just calling them that now, and makes him take backsies on him dying. Oh, good, I was hoping the story wouldn’t be a waste of my time. So, the whole death of the bartender and this scene altogether was just a waste. Was it really necessary for the story to stop just so we could watch two grown men slap fighting?!
So, after an god awfully long scene with Soren’s pet spider dying, which I see the story didn’t rewrite itself for the spider to come back to life and eat everyone. Missed opportunity. We finally get back to the story. The bartender survives by the story retconning and saying that it was his twin brother or something stupid.
Suddenly the hero arrives to save the day.
Everyone in the bar dropped to the floor on command. Kieran slowly got down on his knees, laid his gun on the floor, and unwillingly surrendered.
“Not so fast,” said the Masked Stranger as he kicked open the swing door. Unfortunately, the swing door was a swing door and back fired against the blundering hero. It hit him in the gut and knocked him into the middle of the road where he was run over by the Black Bandanna’s horses.
“I’m going to go help him…” said Shinon unhappily as he walked away.
Ha, ha, ha! He was trampled to death.
Seriously, how are these characters still alive after explosions and horse trampling when another character dies by bullets and fire magic?! I would have said ‘Fire Emblem Rules dictate that’, but THERE ARE NO GUNS IN FIRE EMBLEM!
Anyway, the villains get away because the hero is basically all kinds of suck. But not before taking a hostage.
The hero decides to take a group of them to save the girl, most of whom haven’t appeared in the story yet. I mean, the story within the story.
"We're a goin' after them," replied the sheriff dramatically. "I'm goin' to need a team. Boyd, Geoffrey, Rhys, Oscar, and Ike, get saddled up. They won't get far if I have anything to say about it."
So, we have a deputy who only comes out at night, a sheriff who is a bumbling idiot, a doctor, a guy who isn’t even aware his brother has been gone for two weeks and guy who just appeared in this story. All we need is a priest and an engineer lady and I think we have the cast of Firefly.
The group make their way to where the bandit’s hideout is. Don’t worry, guys. If the boy was kidnapped for two weeks and is just fine, I’m sure the girl is going to be okay for another six months!
Night had set. The cowboy gang had spent the entire day tracking down the Black Bandanna Gang, but their search had turned up dry. They set up camp and built a fire. Oscar was preparing their meal for the night. They knew that the bandits couldn’t have gotten far, but the tedious process was a bit annoying.
Boy, can I relate to these characters! This process is tedious and annoying!
They make camp and we get a scene that actually physically assaulted me.
“Makolov,” said Rhys. He looked rather pale.
“My name’s the Masked Stranger.”
“Masked Stranger…”
“If you’re going to continue whining about the plan, I don’t want to hear it. I put plenty of thought into it and I don’t want some wimpy doctor ruining it.”
“But…”
“No, not another word from you, mister. You need to be a man. Have some backbone.”
“There’s a…”
“What did I just say?”
“Yeah, but…”
“CAN IT, BUDDY!”
Rhys looked hurt but didn’t say anything else. He took out his heal staff and got ready for a scream of pain.
“Masked Stranger…” said Kieran.
“I expected more from you. If you’re chickening out too, I give up on you pitiful townsfolk.” He stopped and smelled the air. “Something smells good, but why does my foot burn?”
“Your foot is on fire, genius,” said Shinon.
OW… Jesus, god… Man that hurt…
They end up meeting a man who is sleeping nearby, I guess with the guy who doesn’t notice his brother being missing for two weeks, your IQ tends to drop a few points. He explains that his girlfriend left him for someone much cooler.
“I want your help. Like that guy said, I lost my girlfriend to King Komodo’s sidekick, El Poco Frijole. She called me a lazy bum, and then left me.”
“It’s okay,” said Rhys as he comforted the poor hobo. Haar burst into tears. “There there….just let it all out.”
Wait a minute… his girlfriend? … Why does this make me uncomfortable?
… I’m sure it’s nothing…
So, Haar asks the group to help the girl named Jill… God damnit I knew it!
Okay, backstory time, I consider Jill in the Fire Emblem games to be the most developed minor character in the series. She’s also 13 years old by the time the game begins! Haar is about twice her age! Just… *shivers* Wrong…
Anyway, we then switch to the view of the villains who, strangely enough, seemed to be more characterized than the heroes.
The evil bandits too, sat around a fire enjoying themselves. Astrid was sitting next to King Komodo himself. He was bald, but on his face was the biggest mustache ever! He constantly twirled it, even when he was talking. Out of the bandits, he was definitely the biggest. His boot was big enough to stuff Frijole’s head into.
Frijole was seated right next to King Komodo, fingering his pistols. Occasionally, he would fire one at a squirrel or glass bottle. Mariposa had the same idea. She too took the opportunity to torture the unsuspecting wild life with her whip. Finally, Sandstorm was reading one of his books, trying to block out the annoyances of the world.
Ah, so two of the villains are into animal BDSM. Good to know.
Unfortunately, their games attract the attention of the worst smash bros character, Ike. He manages to find out where they are and where they are keeping Astrid, the girl they kidnapped from the bar. He rides off back to his camp to gather his allies to rescue them.
As they approach the camp, our hero gives some last minute advice to the group…
“Now, I have absolutely no faith in you whatsoever, but everyone seems to believe you can do this,” he started. “Not only does the life of Lady Astrid lie in your hands, but ours as well. Try not to think about messing up. If you do, it could very well lead us all to our deaths. No pressure! Now, I do have some advice for you.”
Rhys was pale. “I think I’d better go talk to Kieran.”
“No wait! It’s good advice!”
“Okay…”
“Just act dumb. Make them think you have no clue what’s going on. They won’t know what hit ‘em!”
“That actually might work…Thanks.”
“Oh, and one more thing.”
“Yes…what is it?”
“Don’t get shot…or panic. Panicking usually leads to death and getting shot really hurts, then you’ll probably die. Dying is bad.”
“Thank you for your wise words or wisdom,” said the doctor sarcastically. “What would I possibly do without it?”
“You’d probably die and doom us all without it I reckon.”
Okay, this joke was funny at the first line. After that, the joke drags on and on and fucking on! Would it kill you to have some fucking decent pacing, story?!
The heroes walk up to the bandits lair, basically crossing their fingers and wishing really hard that the enemy doesn’t shoot them, while snipers line them in their sights.
The Priest starts weaving a tale about giant buzzards stealing his sister and I can’t help but feel envy for that sister, because then that means I wouldn’t be here with this story and the buzzard would probably have more of a personality. And the leader keeps him around and tells him all his secrets because he’s kind of a twat.
After about an hour, the group manages to gather together some barrels that can spontaneously combust. Yeah, I’ll bet you didn’t know that that gag was a plot point, did you?! I sure as hell didn’t.
Anyway, the ambush the bandits with the barrels defeating most of them with the explosions, while one of their guys is still in the camp. Great planning, guys. Endanger the priest. I’m sure God won’t be pissed about that one.
The story then stops for a few sentence to answer some fan mail before it continues. Don’t interrupt the most interesting part of your story! That’ be like in the middle of the Lord of the Rings movie it just stopped during the battle at Helm’s Deep so Peter Jackson can talk about his cat.
“Come on!” yelled Mist. “Finish it! I need to know what happens!”
I know what happens. The story sucks.
They battle for a little bit, which honestly doesn’t mean that much since the fight scene is pretty nonexistent. Still, it could have a song instead of a fight scene. Okay, okay, I’m moving on from that month.
Anyway, they finally beat the leader and like an episode of Scooby Doo, they unmask him. And it turns out to be…
Rhys saluted the hero and got to work. First, he went up to the leader. “Let’s see who’s really behind the bandanna, King Komodo.” He dramatically ripped off the King’s mask to reveal…
“KING DHEGINSEA!” everyone gasped simultaneously.
Pfft…. Damnit! You made me laugh once! Fucking once! Most of you don't get why that is kind of funny and it won’t matter if I explain it, but I’m going to anyway.
In the game, King Dheginsea is a ultra serious, no nonsense king of a race of dragons that have taken human form. So, it’s kind of funny to see this big bad ass dragon king that wipe his ass with heroes like me reduced to a common bandit who is easily defeated.
… And now you know.
However, the joke goes on unbearably long as other characters in the story try to be as funny as that one twist, but never really manage that, but then something happens that shocked the fuck out of me.
He bent down and ripped off both of the bandit’s bandannas. Nothing could have prepared the cowboys for what they saw next.
“MIST?! ROLF?!”
Holy shit! You mean those two kids who were missing for two weeks joined these criminals?! What’s next?! Astrid didn’t really get kidnapped, she wanted to join them!
There isn’t much of a motive behind these characters joining except for a throwaway line from Rolf. But still, there isn’t much context to this sense we never see this happen. Even in the game, I still have a hard time thinking of a moment where he was called ‘shrimp’ or ‘pipsqueak’ except by his stupid brother. So it was hardly everyone as the story suggests.
So, they all live happily ever after and the story is over right! … Wrong, wrong and fucking wrong. The story actually continues, I guess it was supposed to be like a fireplace story where everyone gets a turn to tell a really god awful cowboy story, instead of focusing on one specific one and making that one really good.
So, let’s just get this one out of the way. Hardly matters at this point.
Some more characters show up, don’t worry, I’ll only bother naming the important ones. Mostly Leanne, a girl with a speaking problem who also happens to be half bird with a pair of wings growing out of her back, who is the main character in our next story. However, thankfully isn’t the one telling it. It’s a guy named Zelgius. I guess, he developed a crush on her while he was kidnapping her.
Anyway, the girl tells a guy named Levail, who I am just calling Rooster Cogburn because it’s basically the same plot as True Grit, tells him that she needs to travel through indian territory to
I have a question.
What? I’m in the middle of a review!
It won’t take long. What is an indian?
It’s a person who was in America before we were and who we slaughtered and stole their land from.
… It was… a dark day for us…
Well, you’re kind of a dick.
Tell me something I don’t know.
Anyway, she wants to travel to indian territory to escort her brother to
I have a question
… What?
Is it possible I could borrow five dollars for the bus ride home?
*Digs into his wallet and throws her a five.* There, now can I please continue the review?!
Okay…
Okay, so. She explains that she
I have a
STOP INTERRUPTING MY REVIEW! WHY WOULD YOU INTERRUPT SOMETHING EVERY GODDAMN SENTENCE TO SAY SOMETHING THAT HAS NO FUCKING RELEVANCE ON WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE FUCKING STORY?! WHY?!
Dude, chill. I just wanted to know where the bathroom was.
Anyway, the guy agrees to escort her and her brother. They have a brief scene where they try to develop another character, who is also a brother. Not the brother who is sick, but another brother she happens to have. Yeah, it’s confusing and he really doesn’t serve that much of a purpose. When all of the sudden
RANDOM INTERRUPTION!
Would you get the fuck out of my house?!
I was just trying to be funny… Why are you such a meany face?
I said get the fuck out!
They travel for a bit before getting attacked by some indians. Rooster manages to fight them off, with the help of one of the brothers and Deadpool making the sounds for his guns.
Levail stood atop the carriage, the wind blowing through his hair, the raven Indians mocking him. One on his left, two on his right, and one above. There was movement from all three directions at once.
“Not today…” Levail drew both of his pistols. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Each bullet hit a raven in the wing and sent them falling to the ground.
During the chase, one of the bandits manages to take control of the carriage and throws Rooster off the carriage, kidnapping two of the bird people.
Excuse me darling…
GO AWAY! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND DIE IN A HOLE!
Well, I just wanted to know if you wanted to have sex. A simple ‘no’ would have done.
… FUCK MY LIFE!
After that display, she never will.
Oh, shut up!
So, after they get kidnapped, kind of cliche, but it’s all she at least does in the game, so I can’t fault it for being at least accurate, the group decides they need to rescue her. However, since they fear they can’t do anything at night, they decide to wait til morning to hunt him down. At dawn, another character arrives to try and help with the search for the them.
They bicker for a bit before one of the characters outside the story is offended that they are portrayed right. And then the character outside that story complained that THIS STORY HAS THE PACING OF A SLUG ON MARIJUANA!
After a long, looooong scene with the characters outside the story trying to be funny, we finally get back to the heart of the matter. The story gives us a brief backstory on the character of Rooster. Turns out he was kind of a criminal who hung out with Billy the Kid, Jesse James, Black Bart, Ike Clanton, which is a golden missed opportunity for some satire, I tell you that. He then met the new character who I’m not even going to bother naming because most of you are still trying to figure out who Black Bart is.
But after he was injured in which he nearly died, he gave up his life of crime to pursue a mercenary lifestyle of running people around dangerous territory if they look good in a skirt. The more things change, eh lad?
They make their way to the cliffs where the raven people are supposed to be staying and we learn what a gun is.
The gunslinger sighed and handed the lord one of his spare pistols. “See this end?” He pointed to the barrel of the pistol. “When you pull the trigger, make sure it’s pointed away from you.”
Or don’t and end this story for me… Please?
The two gunslingers make their way to the cliffs, leaving the lord to defend himself. Suddenly a mysterious woman is able to sneak up behind him and nearly blow his brains out. Fortunately, this woman happens to be a friendly and saved the lord’s brother.
It turns out that the woman, named Naliah, is actually hunting Rooster’s partner who escaped justice a few months ago and that Rooster’s partner is working with the raven kidnappers. Naliah rushes off to catch up to the duo, leaving the two scrawny losers behind.
Just as you’d expect, Rooster falls for his partner’s trap and is easily captured. The partner dangles Rooster over a cliff and talks about his life like he’s on the Dr. Wolf show. When suddenly the raven bandit who kidnapped the lady appears and saves Rooster. It turns out that the lady loves being kidnapped by strange men and grows a fondness for them. Man, talk about stockholm syndrome.
The aristocrat giggled. "Okay, it's our fault. You see, I wanted Naesala to kidnap me. We had been planning on it for a while. We were going to elope!"
Levail's jaw dropped. "You've got to be kidding me! So why did you need me? Comic relief?!"
"I didn't want to leave my brothers stranded. I was kind of hoping you would take them home and sort of…give up looking for me. Unfortunately, Volug came into the picture and messed everything up."
See, you all thought that was a joke.
And the story ends with everyone falling asleep through this fic, because clearly that’s what the audience did.
Nealuchi tried to remove the king from his arm. "Nestling, really… This is most undignified."
The raven king rolled over. "Five more minutes, mommy… Zzzzz…"
"I'm not going to ask nicely again. Get off!"
"Ahoy….Gold!"
Tibarn smirked and took out his camera phone. "This is going on YouTube."
Ha, ha, ha, ha! THIS STORY SUCKS!
It’s attempts at humor fall flat, the characters aren’t characterize at all, half of the descriptions in this story are boring as fuck, and the constant, constant interruptions make this story flow as naturally as a river of bricks.
There are ideas here that honestly could have worked. Even in a Fire Emblem setting with Fire Emblem characters. The story honestly needed to sit down and really think about things, instead of inserting random humor in the hopes that it can get a laugh.
Random humor works because most of the characters are playing it completely straight. In My Little Pony, Pinkie Pie’s randomness works because all the other characters aren’t trying to be her. They are trying to be themselves. The straight man. That’s why the random humor works in conjunction with their natural humor.
It doesn’t work when all the characters are random and chaotic! Half the scenes and plot points don’t go anywhere and amount to nothing. The few good twists come far too late to be enjoyed. And the pacing goes from annoyingly fast to unforgivably slow.
Overall, a horrible fic.
But that’s not what I really want to talk about. I want to talk about the author for a second. Miss Zilver Hawk. Yes, this story was written almost 7 years ago. Miss Zilver Hawk looked at this and said ‘Ugh! This can’t be from me! I can’t believe I wrote this pile of garbage! Here, let me feed it to the neighbor’s dog to get rid of it.’
Which I would like to point out is me. Miss Zilver Hawk heard about my reviews and came to me to tear up a fic that she had written many years ago and knew that the story was atrocious. And already that says to me that she has improved her writing immensely if she is able to recognize the flaws in the writing itself.
And it shows infinitely more humility and a willingness to improve than fan fiction writers who ultimately couldn’t less about constructive criticism and turn off all comments that aren’t the read kissing their ass. And I know that you have all met someone who is like this.
And already she has improved. I’ve read more of her recent stuff as well and I can say that I am genuinely impressed with how much she has grown as a writer. Currently, she is in Japan on her way to becoming a school teacher. She is making a success with her life.
You are probably all wondering what the point is by now… It’s this… One or two or a hundred bad fanfics is not the end. If you write a story that sucks or I don’t like a tear apart on the internet, it is not the end. There is more ahead of you. Your life isn’t over. You can get back up and try again. You can write something better. You can learn from your mistakes and you can make yourself a better person.
That is something I try to make a point of in my reviews. A bad fan fic does not make you a bad person or even a bad writer. It just means you made one bad fic. And everyone makes bad art, especially when they are first starting out. I know it is hard to deal with criticism the first time it happens, but the sooner you accept that ‘You write crap sometimes’ the easier it will be to deal with the criticism in a positive manner. It’s like that old book ‘Everyone Poops.’ That applies to art as well as real life. Everybody poops. I poop. My followers poop. Your followers poop. We all poop.
Accepting that is the first step in creating a better world.
And this… is a big pile of poop!
(P.S. I’m not a stalker, it just looks that way because I follow her every move on every social media site.)
Heck yeah! I gave up once when I was 18, stopped writing for years, and I was miserable. I came back and I hav been writing all of my fave stuff ever since (For an example of my previous stupidity, please see Ponyball Z) . Alwasy take a review to heart, see what you can learn from it, and if you find out that your story has been ripped...have fun, take it with pride and look at what they find wrong with it and laugh.
Yay, Fire Emblem! I know nothing about the series, but I hope you will educate me.
I see the Random Numbers God is harsh to you. Too many Space Marines under my control have died by his hand...
Sounds like my kind of game... if Warhammer 40K didn't steal all of my money...
We all do that (with last month's subject being an exception); no need to advertise it.
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I could do the same for my OCs, but I don't because I'd rather write out their actions and let people decide whether or not to like them. Doing this, though, kind of sounds like you're forcing us to love her, and that's bad.
... Really?
Well, you see, it all started when some dumbass named Christopher Columbus wanted to vacation in China, but he was a hipster and didn't want to go through the Indian Ocean like everyone else...
And I'm Batman, what's your problem?
Y'know, that actually sounds kind of cool... Stephen King has his Dark Tower series, and the only difference between Roland and a knight is that Roland uses guns.
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I can do that... in reviews... My references in my fics are usually a bit dated/obscure for this reason.
Like how Jesus suddenly appears in Gurren Lagan and brings Kamina back to life to fight Nazis? Gurren Jesus is the best crossover ever.
As someone who knows nothing about Fire Emblem, I am deeply lost. That's bad.
Thank you!... Also pancakes.
Probably just cheated on his income taxes, the fiend.
Also, are we going to get to the stabby adventure part soon?
Like the ones in The Third Man?
All these names... do they mean anything?
This is something I struggled with, especially with God Empress. When you write fanfics, you fall into the mindset that everyone understands what you're talking about. But people don't always understand what you're talking about, and that leads to problems.
Was this lady roaming around?
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He's probably on her payroll.
We've got swords. Lets go out and stab some bad guys.
Let's have something that is actually funny, okay?
Also, Talking Head Syndrome. It's really distracting.
Though there should be more guns in fantasy. Imagine how fast Game of Thrones would be wrapped up if one of the contenders had a Vulcan Minigun.
That... that feels like someone assaulted my little sister, and I don't have a little sister.
Why. Are. You. Telling. Us. This. You know how much more interesting this would be if you actually showed us the bad guys doing this, or... ANYONE DOING ANYTHING!!!
...
...
...
...
... That's a fight scene. Really? That's what we're getting?
Here, here's a good shootout:
... Well, that made my day a whole lot better. I've looked back on some of my stuff, and it's really rough (rough enough I'd consider pitching some of it your way to see what happens), but I know I've improved. Ponies of the Cursed Seas was a valiant effort, but I don't think it's very good; the pacing is meh, the plot is basic and doesn't highlight the main characters as much as it should, and the reactions to crossing over from one universe to the next are downplayed (Compare this:
To this:
and tell me which one feels more genuine).
The point is, as you said, I got better. I took advice from others, I sought out editors (however long that lasted), and I worked to make sure I did not make the same mistakes as I did before. I read the likes of Ponies of the Cursed Seas, heck even early chapters of Mare of Steel and God Empress, and I honestly feel embarrassed when compared to the likes of Kyoshi Rising, The Empress Returns, and The Realms of Magic (which I really need to get back to writing; I rewrote the beginning again and need to make sure it's flowing properly). Writers are solitary creatures, sure enough, but we can grow so much if we just reach out and seek help. And I'm glad to see someone did and took it upon themselves to improve.
If only more were as smart as Zilver Hawk...
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Oh there is no way someting like that exis-HOLY CELESTIA!!!! It does, and it is by the same guy who did Anthropology. Well, I guess that settles it, I am completly insane.
Yeah, but then you get into the problem with Caster Shells and how they would mix into the mythology. Then you have to talk about how well a forcefield would mess with a bullet and what is faster: A fireball or a bullet or does it matter since bullets are meltable and would probably burn up in the fire from the fire ball.
3731318 Good on you friend.
Yeah, that fic was not good to the uninitiated.
To be honest, in the fic, no. These names don't mean much. The characters are so poorly executed here you can barely tell who they are. I know who they are and I had a hard time believing it was them.
We can only dream. And if you thought your writing was bad, remind me to show you the first Yu-Gi-Oh fanfics I wrote. ... Mykan would be proud...
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Yours too? Mine were pretty bad as well.
3735332 Ah, the good old days.... I don't miss em.
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Show it, I need some bad Yukio fanfic to make fun of on my show
How the west was lost?
With that I feel I might be lost.
I am with some of the others here. I only know of it from Supper Smash Brothers.
OK, right there I am not so lost. The first RPG I played was Dragon Warrior.
My old favorite was Grandia 2 on the Dreamcast.
It, like some of the others had a main female warrior in it. Well, in this one she is a spell caster named Elena, who can fight, but is also in part the main villain. That is, she turns into a demon named Millenia. During the game she collect parts of herself, to become whole again.
As far as I remember. It's been a while. It too has an interesting fighting system that I likes a lot as well.
Never got to the end, so I don't know how it ended, sadly.
Shigeru Miyamoto thought the same about Zelda when he first made it. He thought the game might be too complex for the minds of western game players. That they might not like it, because they might not be able to handle it. That is the open over world, and the reading that was required in it.
Zeda dose not hold a candle to what one must read in an RPG, or explore. And many western players love those.
Did I ever mention that I don't like assumptions?
Cool!
Not a bad profile. And it's more than what I have on mine.
I like to be mysterious...
Hell, I would feel luck if my OC, if I had just ONE!, got adopted by Fluttershy. Never mind Celestia of all ponies.
We all can't be like Twilight.
Why not? We have aliens, and graboids in the old west. Why not a mystical samurai showdown in the old west as well. Could be neat.
Any less odd than Pinkie bringing up ninjas in an investigation on who has eaten some pastries?
Well, seeing that it was Pinkie that brought it up, that is not so odd. Never mind.
Hmmm... Kind of like what I did in one of my stories. I have about five random references in it. Though it did have one real big, over done, blatant reference. Factory made.
This is also part of why I don't care so much for those (story within a story) stories. It is at times distracting.
It is not the same as a flash back. If done right (and if done right is debatable, at times, to each reader), it can help to know the main characters more.
Though this is one of those times in this story I personally feel it to be a matter of opinion if such should be part of the story at all. As odd as it all is. True, it dose not help to know the one telling the story, unless they are in it in some way.
By your description, this person is not in the story being told.
Not all are in it for that equal Justis concept. Some are in it for the power, and/or prestigious standing. Not to be a good law man.
I would say this guy might be one of those. And it just might fit for him to be that way in this story. Nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is a pristine clan cut goody-goody. And we are talking about those from the old west. There was very dusty people out there.
Not to say this is a good thing, but I have made many OCs without a full blown background to each of them, detailing a full origin, or character write up. Mostly those I use as a background OCs.
Than again, my main OCs don't have one right away at the very beginning of the story either. I have tried to work that in throughout the story. Much like those in the cartoon.
We did not get to know well each of the main six in the first two episodes? Not the entire story behind each of them. Not all at once.
It is one of those times I do feel that I don't think like others, and likely never will.
Also possibly why I may not ever make a good story. I tell the story by how I think. Not that my stories fully reflect my overall personality.
It is at times a hard thing for me to convey to others my intent in a story, or how I truly think, I'm afraid. Not when people think so differently to each other, as well as me.
OK, I,m done.
Please continue. 
Well, in some horrors, and other stories, we get to know who the villain is right away.
Yes, apparently this story is not about the mystery of who killed Tanas, or why. We know why, Tanas was not well liked. But what that killer intends to do next.
At times I feel I may have too simple of a mind, to not dislike some things, as other do.
That is assuming that it was by magic that burnt him.
I know look over part one: A tome was used to kill him. My question is, was this burning localized to just the body or did it spread? Did It look like a magic burning, or like any other kind, and is there a noticeable difference? If not, than one could consider most anyone could have burnt him alive. Throw enough gas on a person, no magic is required.
I would go with that.
In this world, one's imagination would have to dig deep into the crevasses of the intensely vile, vulgar, defiling of all that can be thought of as good, to know such possibilities of just what can be done to a kid by another person.
Feel fee to be sick at any time.
OK, That is not what I was thinking at all!
Man, I am unkind, and have very low opinions of humanity.
Still looks like a party to me.
It just need some of that legal pot I hear is getting passed around now.
Wait, This is the old west. For get the pot, and just pass around the opium!
Now it is a party!
And I am learning more and more about breaking the fourth wall all the time. It was done in the old Ninja Turtles cartoons enough.
Sad I am only recently learning the full definition of it. It's not like everyone here that reads your reviews don't talk about it enough.
Maybe?
Was that me thinking out loud again?
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Point taken. I am so lost with that one.
Now not having actually read the story myself, I get the funny feeling that this is like a D&D game, only one person is telling the story as to what everyone else did. That Is what I am getting out of all of this.
Yes, I use to play lots of D&D. One group I was in had about 10 players. And mine was plotting to kill them all.
It would have worked too, if my face was not burnt off by a silver dragon whelp, that did not take kindly to being kidnapped by someone with evil intent.
I did not wish to harm the dragon, just everyone else. Approaching and trusting the dragon, face to face, was my mistake, near the end of the game.
OK, my character was obsessed with dragons, and wanted one of his vary own to raise, and that chance was dangled in his face by the DM. At near any cost he get that dragon. And it cost him to try with that one.
I don't care what else you might have to say about the bad jokes in this story, but that part was funny to me.
I was once part of a group of three goblins. That called our self's the clan of Black Flag. Yes, just the three of us.
Once asked why, we said because we did lot's of Raids! ...
OK, moving on.
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I now have that song in my head. "Food glorious food!"
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I liked that song.
Now I have that older one in my head. "That's what friends are for."
I love it when the tiger sings that last part. What a voice!
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No. No I did not.
Thank you.
I am sure Computer appreciates it.
And knowing is half the battle. Butum ching!
No, this is about as much of a surprise as the grand ruler of all dragons in the story A Zoologist Dream by Sonson-Sensei being a real goof ball. This was after his first appearance, and he was quite serous then. And big. He could squash a human with a thumb.
But when a human had asked to have a picture taken with him. Serous went right out the window for that moment.
You enjoyed that part didn't you Computer?
The irony was strong with that one.
I have thought much the same thing about some of the things I have written in the past. Not so much just my stories, but other things as well. A persons perception can change. Mine can change a lot. Not in trying to be a hypocrite, but trying to grow and change as a person.
I can be harsh about my own work, mostly my drawings. They are crap, that is when compared to anything that is good.
Like my latest. I made as a cover art for my most resent story I have been posting. The picture is cute, I would say that much for it, but that's about it. It is hardly good work.
The only real good thing in it is the painting of Celestia in the background, that was not done by me, but by TreflelX on DeviantArt.
I have asked Rainbow Bob to do much the same with one of mine. That was a while ago. He has yet to get back to me on that, and I don't think he will.
I had one about a week ago, say he would read and comment on one of them. The most he had to say about it, and it was in a PM, not a post, is he thought it was scary and gory. That was about it.
I have yet to get all that good.
Well, I do see some of it. Knowing how to fix it in a good way, is another matter.
My most resent still suffers from telling than showing. Among other things.
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Now that is cool!
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Well, it's a start at least.
And good review.
I so much like the last part about the witter giving it up for this. Not that you needed her asking, you do it as a random free service to most anyone.
This blog is MASSIVE