• Member Since 6th Sep, 2011
  • offline last seen Jan 27th, 2022

Conner Cogwork

I swear every time I blink this site has fifteen new features. Six months isn't /that/ long a time to blink, is it?

More Blog Posts33

  • 174 weeks
    Here's your closure.

    I'm sorry folks. My mother passed away last year, so, forgive me for being curt.

    I am not coming back to Whisper of Wind. It will not be finished.

    Please, stop asking me about it.

    16 comments · 975 views
  • 434 weeks
    Okay so, Poll time again.

    I'm sitting on a number of things now, thanks to the S5 finale kicking me into gear. That said, I've got nothing in a finished state just yet. I feel like I should post something new though, if just so I don't wind up going into another drought.

    These are just placeholder names, but they are-

    Read More

    14 comments · 1,191 views
  • 437 weeks
    Phantom Responsibility

    "Phantom Responsibility. Tell me, have you ever heard of anything like that?"

    "I... n-no, I can't say that I have."

    Sunset Shimmer sighed and nodded. "I'd figured as such. But it's the closest description that we've got, to what's happening here... or rather, over there."

    Read More

    10 comments · 1,113 views
  • 438 weeks
    A Foe on Equestrian Soil

    "Come on out, darling..." Rarity crooned to the open air. "I know you're out here somewhere..."

    The forest air was deathly still, but the white pony knew not to let her guard down. Especially not now. Not while their 'visitor' was still at large.

    "Did the Order of the Horn send you?" a mare's voice echoed through the woods around her. "A white unicorn. You had to have been!"

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    12 comments · 1,015 views
  • 443 weeks
    A Funeral Dirge you can Dance to.

    This was an 'end' to a story that I had no idea how to actually begin or even middle for. So it stands alone. Also, many apologies to Jim Henson, God rest his soul.

    "Okay so, how do we get ourselves out of this one?"

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    11 comments · 769 views

A Funeral Dirge you can Dance to. · 9:02pm Dec 22nd, 2015

This was an 'end' to a story that I had no idea how to actually begin or even middle for. So it stands alone. Also, many apologies to Jim Henson, God rest his soul.

"Okay so, how do we get ourselves out of this one?"

Pinkie sweated a bit under her black dress, as she carefully eyed the gathering in the small Ponyville chapel. It was a funeral, a somber occasion, and she itched for a chance to brighten the mood. But the situation they were in was too complex for something as simple as a party.

For the closed casket at the end of the hall, bore the cutie mark of Cheese Sandwich, the aforenamed stallion resting inside. Snoring. For he wasn't actually dead, he was simply under the mistaken impression that he was, no thanks to an earlier mix-up that only Twilight and Pinkie Pie were privy to. And now thanks to this mishap, the majority of Ponyville now also believed this terrible event had actually come to pass.

"We gotta figure out something." Twilight whispered to Pinkie. "Once they put him in the ground, he's not gonna have enough air to last him very long."

"W-we can always dig him out though, right?" the pink pony looked to her friend hopefully.

"If we can do it without being labeled grave robbers in the process? Maybe..." the princess didn't share her friend's hopefulness in the tone of her voice.

The rest of the friends were all in various shades of dismay. Applejack had her hat off, and was staring straight ahead with hallowed eyes. Fluttershy, sensitive soul that she was, was oddly composed, though Angel was keeping close to her with a handkerchief in hand. Rainbow Dash was a wreck, tears in her eyes, blubbering incoherently about how the world was now a percentage less awesome, leaning up against Rarity who was also struggling to keep herself together.

"This is bad..." Pinkie confided in Twi, looking over their friends. "They don't deserve this. They should know the truth!"

"If we just flat out tell them though, they're going to be extremely upset with us!" the alicorn replied. "We need to put it to them in a... more gentle way..."

"Ponies..." Rarity stood to, and made her way towards the center of the chapel. "It is with great sorrow that we are gathered here today, to bid farewell to one of the brightest souls that has ever graced the face of Equestria. May Cheese Sandwich find everlasting peace and happiness, in the plane beyond the Shadowlands."

Everypony rose, and stamped their hooves. It drowned out a rather loud snore that had chosen that moment to vibrate out of the coffin.

"And now, if I may..." The fashionista took a few steps forward, bowing her head. "I would like to dedicate this song, in memory of our dearly departed friend..."

She cleared her throat, and then opened her mouth, her voice a husky octave as she began to sing.

"When my time to go is here,
Call my friends, to gather near.
Call the doctor! Call the preacher!
That I'm failin'~..."

Her friends all stared. Applejack managed to speak up. "Rarity... since when did you know a funeral dirge?"

She lifted her nose. "I had composed it in preparation of my own departure."

"Pssst" came a voice. As Pinkie and Twilight were the only ones that were closest to the coffin, they were the only ones who heard it. "Pick up the tempo, wouldja? I like a funeral dirge that you can dance to!"

The two ponies stared disbelievingly. Twi spoke first. "A funeral dirge..."

"That you can dance to...?" Pinkie finished, face blank, before her eyes lit up with a gasp. Instantly she snagged her friend's head and pulled it close cheek to cheek. "That's it! That's how we'll save the day!"

"H-how do you mean, Pinkie?"

"Just follow my lead! All that we have to do is PICK UP THE TEMPO!"

And right there in front of a crowd of grieving ponies, Twilight and Pinkie broke out in song.

"But forget about your black,
Cause I'm planning to come back!
Play some Honky Tonkin' Grief, and Dixie Wailin'~!"

Rarity skittered off to the side, staring in shock, as the pink and purple friends took the center stage.

"Oh pick me up and lay me down
and spread the news all over town
and tell 'em all to come, or they'll be sorryyy~"

Rarity: "Slow down!"

"Oh pick me up and shake me twice,
I'm comin' back, from Paradise!
This poor boy is here, to live in glory~!"

The white unicorn was aghast, as the two were now beginning to dance to the tune. "This should be somber and dignified!" she protested.

"When it's time to say goodbye,
All my friends will sit and cry,
then they'll watch the coffin rockin' round and squirmin'~
Then they'll raise a mighty shout,
as my bones come marchin' out!
Then I'll praise myself and preach the final sermon~!"

"They're losing that sad, maudlin quality!" Rarity complained, pouting at the two.

"Sad my pinfeathers!" Rainbow Dash suddenly exclaimed, taking to her wings and flying into the unicorn's face. "Cheese Sandwich was never about sad! He wanted everypony to have fun! And I don't think he'd want us to be moping at his funeral! He'd want us to be happy! And I think that's the best way to remember him by!"

With that, she flew up beside Pinkie and Twi, and proceeded to join in right along.

"Oh pick me up and lay me down and spread the news all over town,
and tell 'em all to come or they'll be sorryyyyyy~!
Pick me up and shake me twice, I'm comin' back from Paradise!
This poor boy is here, to live in gloryyyy~!"

One by one, first Applejack, then Fluttershy, and finally Rarity herself, with only a slight sigh of resignation, joined into the chorus.

"The earth, begins to shake,
from the quaking at my wake!
I'll be here and makin' music like a light wine!
Till my honky tonkin' grief
Gives these angels sweet relief,
Cause they know that Dixie Wail is still survivin'~!"

There suddenly was indeed a mighty shout from the assembled ponies, and several hooves pointed. The six friends all turned, and stared as the coffin behind was indeed rocking and squirming, flexing in beat to the music. And then, with a sudden *POW*, the lid burst open in a shower of confetti and streamers, as Cheese Sandwich himself leapt out and into the center of the isle, bellowing in song with the rest.

"OH Pick me up and lay me down and spread the news all over town and tell 'em all to come or they'll be sorryyyyyy!!"

"Cheese Sandwich!!" Dash cried out, tears in her eyes. "You're alive!!"

"It's a miracle!!" Fluttershy cried in turn, tossing Angel Bunny into the air.

As the rest of the congregation cried out in joy, and began to sing and dance in celebration, Pinkie and Twilight shared a look of relief, followed by a small hoofbump. "All's well that ends well." Twilight confided.

"Totally!" Pinkie replied. "Just promise me this, Twilight. You'll sing this song at my funeral too, right?"

"OH Pick me up up and shake me twice, I'm comin' back, from Paradise! This poor boy is here, to live in gloryyyy~!"

"This Poor Boy is Here, to Live in GLORY~!!"

Comments ( 11 )

Haha, that works! I like it. :)

Heck, I think this would work just fine as a one-shot, even. Though I suppose it's not got enough words in it, since song lyrics don't count, to make the 1k minimum, does it?

This is brilliant, thank you for sharing it.

I'm very sad that there are no clear means to this end. It almost feels like a prompt; how would you get Cheese in the casket?

This is hilarious! :rainbowlaugh:

I've considered maybe having it be an in-media-rez sort of thing, and then inserting the 'how it happened' as a sort of flashback. And then carrying onto the song portion.

It'd feel more satisfying with some funny explanation of why he thinks he's dead. It wouldn't have to be more than a sentence or two. But there's comic potential in setting that up, too. Personally, I'd probably hold onto it until I thought of how to get there.

This is just great! :rainbowlaugh:

THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you need help with a beginning for it still, I would be willing to help!!!!!

Someone needs to write the music for this song. I need to have it played at my own funeral

There's a reason that Fraggle Rock was tagged in the journal. On hindsight I probably should have put it in there in the first place. In any case, if you want to know what the song /actually/ sounds like, then look no further.

3744838 That was Amazing on so many levels, Thank you.

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