The Magic of Bitching · 3:15am Dec 22nd, 2015
Right, so this blog will be me simply bitching. There seems to be a sort of magic that comes when I talk about things that bother me. They tend to go away. So by talking about it here, I hope to clear the air with myself, my writing and my writing of clopfics in general. Hopefully by doing so, I can empty all the excess bullshit that been filling my head and focus on posting fics.
So you've been warned. Continue reading at your risk.
I reeeally don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. I feel freakin' aimless.
Subconsciously, I thought that I was aiming for the featurebox.
It's the one thing I haven't gotten. I've had a hundred upvotes. I've got two hundred upvotes. So, it's time to get featured. But I can't help but think I'm sabotaging my own efforts. Fuck, I know I did when I wrote Luna Masturbates. If I'd only changed the name and summary, the fic would be doing so much better. Seeing it sad around 21 upvotes and a commendable 17 downvotes aiming to catch up, I'm gonna take a stab and say that it has nothing to do with my actual writing but the MEME I joined. Nobody wants any X Masturbates fics. Cool. I was arrogant enough to think that mine's, with a different spin and a really hot cover-art (shit, I love that cover-art), would be able to change that. (I'm actually thinking about deleting it and putting that lovely cover-art to better use.)
It's nice to see that votes have put me in my place.
I would like to think that because of my writing that I can accurately predict my fics and whatnot. That because of my dedication, effort and general no-shit attitude that when it comes to my own work, that one day, I'll make it to the greats. But Bitch, that ain't ever happening. Nope. I like to make excuses as to why my shit flops. I'm a wishy-washy person. I wish, then I wash for my sin of wishing. I mean, I know ya'll read my work and follow me because of it. But you see, each fic I make is made for the sole intention, outside of my earlier fics before the Milking Hour at Sweet Apple Acres, for getting into the feature box. That means that none of my latest works, despite the hundred they've reached, have succeeded. They're failures. I hate them. They've failed. I don't care how 'hot' or how much anyone wishes for a sequel if they fail at their reason for existence. GETTING INTO THE DAMNED FEATUREBOX.
But I'm a wishy-washy person so I do think about the sequels and the updates and the follow-ups. And I think, if their originals failed to do the job, why exert the effort? Each follow-up makes a smaller pool, a smaller likelihood for me getting into the featurebox.
Without that initial zeal that has me chomping at the bit to get writing in the first place (featureboxhood), I find it hard to justify writing because I'm constantly trying to appeal to invisible people. Not you guys. But the invisible people who pile onto a fic and boost into, you guessed it, the feature box. I read threads. I read old fics. I study groups and pick and choose my kink and method. I want in. I really want in. Generic? I'll write that. Nasty? I'll do it in a heartbeat. Let me have my fifteen minutes of fame where I don't have to justify myself when talking to people online like I'm a fucking moron. I want my fucking qualifications. My own snooty certification when I can say 'the feature box doesn't matter' because I've rode that ugly old bitch so many times that I have my name written on the entrance.
Outside of the FEATUREBOX motivation, I, uhh, don't like my fics.
There are parts I like, I did take the time to write them, but as a reader, I don't like them.
They don't appeal to me, I guess. I try. I really try but, to be honest, no. Not in that way. I read ponyfics for research and inspiration but I don't read them to scratch that itch or find the gratification I'm looking for. I go to Ao3 for that. I read sappy romance fics, hardcore smut fics, weirdass alternate universe fics and other shit that lights a fire under my ass. I used to do that here but all the people I originally came to Fimfiction for are gone. And I find it so hard to invest in shit now. Really invest. Believe in what I writing than trying to play by the numbers.
The FEATUREBOX has been the only thing that's been keeping me going. And if I pull that away, I can see that I'm unhappy with what I'm doing. Shit, have you read my earliest blog? StickyShine. I can't believe myself. Where the fuck did that eager beaver go? All this time, I thought I was getting better but maybe instead of moving forward, I've been stepping off to the side.
To be personal, you know upfront and shit, I came close to actually spilling out into the shit I like to read. Release was that. Celestia Isn't Lonely was that. Me being really fucking honest. Intimacy. Shame. Closeness. Arousal. Emotion. Affection. I think about these things a lot. But you know, I had to fog them up, those fics. To succeed into the FEATUREBOX. Celestia Isn't Lonely hurts me. I can't stand to look at Release. I can tell by the comments I get that by making those kind of fics would be an waste.
There isn't a sort of Aha between a reader and I... It's hard to explain. You just know what I'm talking about. I keep on trying to make do. I think, maybe the next fic or the next fic or maybe, once I make it into the featurebox, then everything shall align in place.
God, I'm unhappy with where I am. So unhappy.
Maybe, I've been attracting the wrong people because I've been writing the wrong fics?
Maybe, it wasn't about the FEATUREBOX at all? All I wanted was just that comment. The approval and in-jokes and validation and- I thought if I climbed my way into the tallest mountain, I'd be seen by who I wanted.
It doesn't work like that, does it?
I'm never gonna get that comment. That imaginary thing I've wanted for so long.
My chest feels funny. Lighter. Freer.
Guess, I want to read things now than write what I don't.
Bitching is truly magic.
I've enjoyed your stories thus far. You'll make it some day. I believe in you.
Probably there is your problem, you see the writing as a job. Try to write for you own pleasure, try to write a story that you will like to read. You did it with "Celestia isn't lonely" and I think that is your best story.
To be featured is really a hit and miss. From the time it of the post, to the summary, to the length of the story. To whom the user is.
Sometimes a story could really be just terrible, yet it still gets featured.
I've read a few of your stories so far, in fact I recognized the name. The feature box is in fact a nice bit of validation to see that there's a decent amount of people that have ended up reading something you wrote(or at least clicked on it). That being said, I think something that helps is doing a story that's of decent length as well.
Also, while it may not matter too much to some people, others may find it odd that, I think all your stories were smut, weren't they? Try writing something else, try branching out. Channel your inner Fluttershy in this. Even if it's more one-shots, just write something.
As for your previous stories, did someone enjoy them? I know I found Persuasion and tradition fun, so take the fact that individuals like the story as your payment. Every up-vote is someone you made happy, and every down-vote is either someone who at least took the time to read the story, or is just a miserable person.
The most important thing to remember though, is to write for fun. I don't get paid for this, I just enjoy writing out a full, continuous story. I can't forget certain parts and re-hash them later, the world of The Substitute Demon is solid the moment I hit publish. If you can't think of a full story, just start writing. I honestly didn't even have a name for my MC when I started, I just started vomiting words into the site's word-processor.
*Gasp, Gasp, gasp* /rant