Get your tin foil hats ready. It's story time! · 2:01am Dec 13th, 2015
I'm currently working on other projects in the background, but I was able to bang out a short one-shot the other night. It's rather silly, in my own opinion. As it failed moderation based on "not seeing any reason this should be a story upload and not simply a blog", well, here we are.
I hope some of you enjoy it.
For over two hundred years, you've trusted the quarterly Equestrian World News to tell the sides and stories Princess Celestia's media patsies won't cover. Now we're bringing you the latest, the greatest, and the most shocking articles yet in celebration of the Winter Solstice.
Turn to page eight to reveal the horrifying truth behind Equestria's most popular MYTHS!
Five Equestrian Myths YOU Still Believe!
If you can read this specially-written message, congratulations! You are one of a select few whitelisted by our specially-enchanted ink. Don't gasp in shock, or in any other way call attention to yourself. To any other pony, you look like you're reading a gossip article about last month's Canterlot celebrity scandal - but call attention to yourself and They will notice! You don't want to get caught reading this, trust us. You don't want them to know that you can see through Their lies!
What lies, you ask? A wonderfully astute question! This article is devoted to some of the greatest!
It's common knowledge that pegasi control the weather everywhere they can. It's also common knowledge that they can't control the weather of the Everfree Forest... or is this a MYTH!? The ability of pegasi to control the weather is well documented, of course, but it turns out that the weather over the Everfree Forest can be controlled! Even untrained members of our staff have been able to produce fog and reduce an immense thunderstorm to a gentler shower.
So what gives? Well, dear reader, it's really three things. The first was made tragically obvious during our investigation, when two of our field reporters were hospitalised after an attack by manticores. The second, this one an attack by a cockatrice, resulted in the petrification of our own Cloud Kicker, normally a reporter on the most lewd and lascivious of the latest nobility scandals. We are presently offering a five thousand bit reward for safe, live delivery of the particular cockatrice that turned her to stone.
We later contacted Zecora, a zebra survivalist living in the Everfree Forest itself, to learn more about the behaviour of these dangerous animals. We soon learned that both of these creatures commonly mis-perceive pegasi passing overhead as large hawks, desirable prey to manticores and a natural predator of the cockatrice.
The third difficulty with controlling the weather in the Everfree Forest is simply convincing the pegasi to do it. Their race is widely looked down upon for their indolence. So when the next pegasus pony tells you the weather over the Everfree Forest "controls itself," no matter how dangerous it becomes, ask her this: Does the weather truly control itself, or does the Aerial Worker's Union intimidate our leaders into providing inadequate protection in order to maintain their excuse for being paid your tax bits to nap all day?
The staff responsible for this story is a multicultural team from all racial, financial, and cultural backgrounds. -Ed.
Our second MYTH is that the young unicorn superstar Vinyl Scratch invented dubstep. Any pony will tell you that, but it's actually not true! The oldest known dubstep track was produced by Gilded Frame, an earth pony and the several-times-great grandfather of notorious paparazza-turned-fashion photographer Photo Finish, just under seven centuries after the banishment of Nightmare Moon. That's over three hundred years ago!
Even more disturbingly, in a recent interview by post, this generation's dubstep idol wrote that she composes none of her own music, instead attributing it all to 'mysterious forces' and declining to elaborate. Where does this music really come from? Has our so-called DeeJay made a bargain with Tartarus? With a new epidemic of deafness in our young adults being attributed to her music by some medical authorities, a pony can't help but wonder what malicious intent lurks within her source, and why the Princesses are doing nothing.
This next MYTH is so commonly believed that it's evolved into the traditional Hearth's Warming play we all know and love! Restoration of historical documents, however, indicates that not only were the Three Tribes never led by racist caricatures such as "Princess Platinum" or "Chancellor Puddinghead," but the tale of windigos is pure fiction! In fact, the historical record shows the supposed tribes living together in harmony for hundreds of years, until a terrible drought and resultant famine forced them to depose their incompetent leaders and migrate en masse to lusher lands - those ruled by Discord. That brings us to MYTH number four!
Menacing, isn't he? We still aren't certain how he managed to animate this photograph of himself, or what the mysterious symbol in his mane is, but that's part of what makes our unique media a cut above any other. And they call us a 'mere tabloid!'
This MYTH is one perpetrated by Equestrian royalty themselves, but don't be fooled! Certainly, Discord was as whimsical and quintessentially chaotic then as he is now, but he welcomed the starving pony migrants with open arms! The cause for which Princesses Celestia and Luna confronted him just thirty years after the migration is not documented, but they rapidly ascended to absolute power in the wake of their victory. A pony can't help but wonder whether the "founding" of what they re-named "Equestria" was anything more than a crime of ambition!
The Princesses, of course, have used their secret networks to spread the "knowledge" that he is hostile, that he attacked Equestria, that he is quite mad - but ask yourself just one question. Wouldn't you be furious if you were the one imprisoned in stone for a thousand years?
Our final and most painful MYTH is also related to the rise of the Princesses, and it's the one that blinds nearly all of modern ponykind. You see, poor lambs, you've all been grievously misled. According to our contact in the Royal Observatory, who remains anonymous for their personal safety, the cycle of day and night, of sun and moon, it's natural - all of it. While pony magic can disrupt their natural motion, the cycling bodies remain static relative to the position of our planet. What changes is wondrous, people: Our world turns on its own, showing Equestria to the sun and moon in turns.
How, then, do the Princesses maintain this illusion of control? It's simple: The Summer Sun Celebration, the one time every year when Princess Celestia draws all eyes to herself in one lucky town. But ask yourselves this - ask yourselves: Have you ever seen these towns? Who, reading this, has heard of a place called "Appleloosa?" Have any of you been to a "Ponyville" or a "Dodge Junction?"
No. You haven't. And even if these towns were real, it would be a simple matter to cast a spell of horn-glow at the moment of sunrise or moonrise.
This all ties together! Don't you see?! Wake up, sheeponies! The Princesses are lying to you, and you're eating it right up!
But not you, dear reader! No, no. Not you. You're smarter than they are, and armed with this information, you are wiser.
Eno sa tca ot su rof emit semoc ti nehw langis ruo wonk lliw uoy.
Awesome.
yvan eht nioj
That was pretty amusing.
B-But how am I supposed to favorite this story, then?
Oh, wow.
Just... wow.
You forgot to mention that the Freemasons were behind everything the whole time.
Maybe do a tumblr?
3614539
3614530
3614516
3614499
3614479
3614476
Heh, thank y'all.
I honestly didn't expect a reaction like this at all.
3614499
And I'm sorry, I don't really have a solution for you.
Maybe because blog posts are temporal in nature? Maybe because somebody might want to favorite or bookshelf it? Maybe because it's Proper's story they should be able to decide that!?
(I haven't even read the story yet, but this made me feel angry!)
If I were you I'd get mad! Make life take the lemons back!
(Meanwhile, I'll be reading this delicious lemonade. Sorry for the interruption.)
3614781
It's more along the lines of whether this counts as a story for the site mods' purposes. And I decided not to contest it.
I hope you enjoy my weird thingummy.
3614479
Or maybe:
derh eht nioj
3614809
What is a hred?
3614829 The one time I don't double check before posting. Spelling backwards is hard, okay!
So, perspective from Manehattanites or something?
3614844 .sniev ruoy otni swolleb stneconni eht fo doolb eht sa maercs
It's not that hard, just spell it forwards and then write is from right to left.
3615000
City ponies, for sure. I doubt this rag would even be shipped to a smaller town like Ponyville anyway.
3614635 you're welcome. Good conspiring was good.
no, but seriously, don't trust the Masons...
3615008 Of course not, they steal the coffee from the other closeby churches and perform voodoo upon it so that it tastes both better and worse somehow.
3615007 Heheheh.
Well, if we were able to upvote blogs, I'd upvote this one. Hmm, this should be a thing (or we can just add a reblog option and call fimfiction the new tumblr).
This is a thing now? Because now I can't see a reason why a certain "Twilight writes letters to Celestia" story was ever approved, since it mostly reflects the author's view on the episodes and sometimes some recent stuff.
Or, if we're going with the topic of conspiracy theories, why A Brief History of Equestria was approved? It's more or less similar in tone and topic. But, of course, mods work in mysterious ways.
3615554
I don't know. I didn't feel like fighting about it.
3616618
Oh, I know that. The pony who wrote that article knew it too. But do the readers? Goodness no. And that's how they establish a steady cash flow.
Am I the only one that expected the story would have been about the manticore loveslave thing?
Oh? Just me?
Okay, I'll just be over here then.