CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #14 — There is no Luna · 12:16am Dec 11th, 2015
Title: There is no Luna
Author: a human
Found via: The Also Liked section of If You Came to Conquer/Inexcusable (don’t look at me like that 
)
Short summary: Twilight finally gains access to the forbidden wing of the library. She discovers a history book that completely omits Luna, and rushes to ask Celestia about it. Twist occurs.
Genre(s): Alternate Universe, Twist Delivery
The Title/Description: The title is punctuated incorrectly: It should be There Is No Luna. It would also be more accurate as There Never Was a Luna, but I can admit that might be giving away too much. The story’s description is adequate: it gives as much information as possible without spoiling the twist, yet still makes it obvious the twist is the focus of the story.
What does this story do well?: This story is well-written on a sentence and paragraph level. The sentences flow smoothly, information is delivered clearly, and things are easy to digest. The story includes some effective, but no heavy handed descriptions of certain scenery elements and plot devices, and it helps move the story along without being boring.
The lead-in to the twist is also pretty good. The story’s opening is paced well—it isn’t slow enough to be boring, but is slow enough to build suspense.
The idea behind the twist itself is also pretty good. It’s easy enough to accept and understand, since it is a simple idea. It’s Dark, but not excessively so; it feels believable and not overwrought.
Where could this story improve?: Celestia is a blunt character. She blurts out explanations and facts in the most dull, rushed way possible. It doesn’t fit with her character, even within the context of the story. She says herself that she has been waiting a long time for Twilight to be ready for this revelation, yet she dumps all the information out without any sort of restraint or pacing.
This bluntness extends to the entire story as a result. Since Celestia is the main expositor, her lack of finesse colors the pacing of the entire story. The story reveals the twist about halfway through its 3k words. It then spends the remainder of its word count explaining all the headcanon and justification surrounding the twist. There is a token attempt at a character moment at the end of the story, but it feels anemic and bland.
The telly-ness of the story and its characters, and the bluntness of their emotions (both Celestia and Twilight have their feelings explicitly stated at several points) rob the story of the realism and suspense it had at the beginning.
In a single sentence: A twist delivery story with a good opening, but an inelegantly delivered twist.
Verdict: No vote. There are things to like here. The opening in particular is well-paced and evocative. The goal of a twist delivery story, however, is to deliver a twist that makes the reader both go “a-ha” and experience emotion. The way the twist is delivered, the dullness of the character delivering it, and the lack of verisimilitude in the character drama robs this story of any real weight.
I recently encountered a story with a good twist and a bad hook. This story has the opposite problem; the hook is good and the twist is delivered poorly. So the question becomes; is a twist delivery story worth it when the twist is not delivered well? That’s a subjective question, but I'm pretty ambivalent about this story. I don’t think it is worth most people’s time, but the high upvote count shows people obviously disagree.
