Destruction and self-destruction. Heavy personal shit ahead. · 9:20pm Sep 21st, 2015
(Warning: I'm going to be discussing some serious topics in this entry. This isn't going to be just my normal "hey the new chapter of my story is up" or similarly light-hearted entry. So if talks about depression and other real-life problems aren't your cup of tea to discuss on a fanfiction site dedicated to marshmallow horses, then you may want to turn away here. I completely understand.)
I thought about something on my way to class today. I missed my three-year anniversary on FIMfiction. August 24, 2012 was the fateful day that I made the plunge and joined this community. Ironically, I actually joined this site and posted my first-ever fanfiction, To Hell and Back, which has since been deleted and reposted with revised content, before I even officially became a brony. This site, along with my first actual viewing of FiM, was what pushed me over the edge and caused me to (for the first time) actually label myself as a brony.
Since then, my life has been on pretty much a constant downhill slide. When I first discovered Friendship is Magic, in February of 2012, I had not yet been kicked out of my house by vengeful parents looking for any way at all to get me out for whatever reason they could come up with. Shortly before August of 2012 hit, that very thing happened, and I found myself sleeping on the streets. I survived being homeless for six months, and I attribute this primarily to my newfound obsession with ponies. Writing fanfictions, discussing various aspects of the show on FIMfiction and on /mlp/ on 4chan... All of this went a long way towards keeping me sane. I saw the way that homelessness affected some. That, combined with prior mental conditions that probably caused their situation in part to begin with, produced individuals who exhibited some downright disturbing behavior. Anything from talking to invisible beings to screaming at the top of their lungs about government conspiracies and lading every sentence with multiple punctuations of the "n word". I saw it all, and I was damned determined not to end up like that.
So what has happened since then? Well, not much, as far as making my life situation better for myself. I'm technically still homeless, I struggle every day just to make my food stamps last through the whole month, sometimes going a day or two without eating just so I'll have something for later. I'm attending college again, hopefully graduating next year when I complete my associate's in Business Management. I don't know if that'll come about, but I'm praying it does. And all of that has lead me to what is in many ways the real reason why I decided- after a lot of thinking and heavy internal debate- to post this entry.
With no knowledge of my condition and of the manic depression slowly eating me alive inside, the FIMfiction community proved to be rather receptive of me and my stories. My most popular story, In Nomine Equi, has garnered over 450 likes. Nightmare's Return, the first ongoing story I ever started on this site that I actually managed to complete, sits just above 250 likes and over 100 comments. That, coupled with almost 1000 watchers and over 7000 people being watched, has garnered me quite the reputation in this community. Still today I get comments when I watch someone new along the lines of "wow I never expected someone as horse-famous as you to watch me". It's one of the most awe-inspiring and humbling things that has ever happened to me.
Through all of it, though, I have slowly been coming to a conclusion, one that has made itself painfully apparent since 2015 began: my time on FIMfiction may very well be coming to a close. When I started Nightmare's Return in 2013, I had no plans on having it last two years before the final chapter was posted. I intended to finish it much quicker than that. Homelessness, being admitted into a mental facility three times for issues revolving my depression and attempted suicides, and just in general being a shitty person lead my reputation to be tarnished, so to speak. Announcing new chapter release dates and not keeping to them most of the time hurt my standing as well, and that part I cannot blame on anything or anyone but myself.
Now I find myself in an unfortunate situation. I posted the first chaper of Six, the sequel to Nightmare's Return almost a month and a half ago, with two updates posted since then. I've added my story to almost 40 groups since posting it, and I've requested multiple sources to read and review it so I can get a better idea of whether or not I'm even doing something right with it. And you know what it's gotten me? 17 likes, just over 100 views. Some people's stories don't even get that through the entire lifetimes, I realize. But it's not up to par with what I'm used to. Hell, even with Nightmare's Return, in that same month and a half period, it broke 100 likes and had almost two pages of comments. Six? It has 12, with half of them being a conversation between myself and Admiral Q Ponyform about how I wasn't portraying the characters of Luna and Nightmare Moon properly. I don't want to think that I damned myself to an eternity of lower-tier reception for my stories, but I can't see much else right now.
So. If you've made it this far, congratulations. You're probably already doing better than most. Here is the meat of the whole thing. I don't want to continue polluting this site with my work if my reputation has gone the way of Appleloosa2011. So I'm proposing this one thing.
Sometime this week, I will be posting a new story titled Visitation Rights, the first ever official side-story set in the Nightmareverse. Six will update later on next week, when I finish my final exams for the quarter and I have time to sit down and actually plan out what I need to do to advance the story coherently. I really hope I'm able to do something differently that will cause me to catch fire and actually begin to regain my position in the community. If not, though... I really don't see much of a reason to stay here.
This isn't really intended to be me whining about not getting enough views or comments or whatever, even though that may be how it comes across for some of you. I just felt the need to explain myself. I don't want to be a burden on you all if my time on this site has reached its end point. I want to keep going but right now, the outside motivation for me to do so just isn't there.
Whatever happens, you all have been such a great influence on me. Thank you all for everything. I love each and every single one of you. In the words of TheCloudtop, "You're awesome. You just need to recognize it for yourself."
Much love,
-CG
I've nothing constructive to say, other than that I wish you nothinb but the best of luck.
Don't write for popularity. Write for that one person that you know is going to read the story and end up loving it.
That is all.
Over time, we change and grow as people, this is neither good or bad, it just is. This community is always here if you need it, and if you ever need me, just private message me.
Is there a Facebook group in your area that shares food, clothing items, anything? Put the area you live in and "free" , "share", " pay it forward", "help", and see what comes up.
I'm in Australia, so am not sure how things work where you are?
Remember, you are more precious and loved than you can ever imagine!
With much love, Annie
3410059
It seems like the only person that'll read it is me. And I am happy with the way that I write. I just don't want to feel like I'm pouring my heart and soul into something that just languishes and doesn't ever see the light of day. I write for everyone, not just myself.
3410541
Even if they don't find it immediately, they will find it.
I don't mean you; I mean the one person that you know loves your story.
Sometimes what keeps me going is bookplayer's declaration about her stories: "Some are written, some are improvised, and all are true for someone, somewhere."
If nothing I'd ever written had ever seen the light of day, I still would have written it -- because that's what I do. No other reason applies; no other reason makes sense.
Have you considered emigration? Once people went to the USA because things at home were shit. Now the empire is decaying and things turn around.
3423722
I don't have the money to move anyplace else. I agree, that would be a good option, and there are a few places where I'd love to move. The money to do so just isn't here right now.