Critique Review: Batmare Begins · 4:22pm Aug 26th, 2015
Hello, everypony. I’m Batstallion.
Ah, yes, the good old Dark Knight. Nothing says badass like the Batman. As such, many writers have attempted to incorporate the Batman into the My Little Pony universe. Some with characters that actually make sense. Others with characters that are just off the wall odd. Like today’s story, Derpy.
Kind of an odd choice for the Dark Knight. Can you imagine Batman saying this in his overly growly Bale voice?
Well, Batbrony certainly did and I think it’s high time I review this story and pick it apart in front of him like a school bully tearing apart his victim’s favorite Batman action figure. Tee hee hee!
If you are Batstallion, then who am I supposed to be? Robin?
Of course not. You’re Alfred.
Because that is a step up.
So, let’s dig into the story of Batmare Begins.
Our story starts in a flashback dream sequence. Because this is a superhero origin fanfic, all superhero origin fanfics start in a flashback dream sequence.
Our dream is about Derpy flying over Ponyville when suddenly her mother appears in the sky.
Mother: Derpy, you will go to Dagobah System. There you will learn from Yoda.
Her mother is swallowed up by a dark cloud, because who needs parents when you’re a superhero, and Derpy wakes up in a prison.
Derpy, oddly enough considering she is in a prison, is looking more at the positives. Now, despite the fact that she is supposed to be Batman, the same brooding character we know and love from the comics, I do find that I like this part of Derpy’s personality. Despite all the shit that gets thrown at her, she tries to find a lighter side of things.
Too many fics try to make their character dark or depressing and it really starts to get irritating after a while. It’s nice when a character can just be positive without being a total idiot. And Derpy certainly does that. Well, most of the time anyway. But she’s so adorable when she does!
“Good morning, Mister Guard, sir,” she chirped, smiling widely and staring at him with her derpy eyes.
And again, most stories would want Derpy to be a jerk and sarcastic with the guard, but it seems like Derpy is genuinely happy to see the guard and just happy to be alive. Isn’t this the exact opposite of what Batman happens to be like?
The guard, while being a guard, but not a total prick actually greets Derpy.
This is a point that I can’t ignore and frankly, it forces me to think about the casting choice. I’m not saying that this is a bad story right from the get go. In fact, it’s because I give mad props to the story for taking such a character that would never be a character as dark and brooding as Batman and stick her as him.
But that’s just it. This doesn’t feel like Batman. On the one hand, it’s very unique and original and it does intrigue me with a degree of curiosity. However, on the other, it just isn’t Batman. I know that may not be a lot, but from a guy who has read comics all his life, this seems odd.
Again, I respect the story for taking such a large risk. It’s certainly one of the oddest choices I’ve ever seen, but certainly not odd enough to make me look away. In fact, it’s that oddness that makes we want to keep reading just to see where it goes.
Derpy goes down to breakfast and is so distracted by her dull porridge that she runs into a mare that is about twice her size.
And here’s where I start to question the story. This story has many similar problems that Mare of Steel had when I read that. There is a large amount of talking head syndrome in this scene. Let me show you…
“What’s the big idea, ya clutz?” she snarled.
“Oops… my bad! Didn’t see you there, mister.”
“I’m a mare!”
“You are?”
“What?!”
“Oh, I mean… well, um, gee, this sure is awkward. Say, ya ever have one of those mornings where it just seems like nothing can go right and everything just keeps getting worse and worse?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Oh, well that’s good–”
“But you’re about to!”
“Wait, what?”
No offensive story, but could you go back and rewrite that entire scene again?! And this time, could you make sure that you aren’t writing Batmare the Stage Show?!
I get no sense of the character’s tone, mental thoughts, movements, and emotions that would add to this scene. As such, I feel that this whole is exchange is a bit on the wobbly side of the table. It feels rushed and it certainly doesn’t help when the story doesn’t bother slowing down the dialogue to get a sense of the world around them or the characters themselves.
The mare attacks Derpy, but Derpy has harnessed the power of Goofy and his klutz fighting tactics.
With that, four of the inmates charged at once towards Derpy. Terrified, her mind went completely blank, until, a split second before they were upon her, her instincts suddenly kicked in and she flew straight up into the air. The four inmates subsequently crashed into each other in spectacular fashion and lay in a crumpled heap on the floor.
Can’t you just hear the Looney Tunes theme after that?
After ‘beating up’ the inmates, the guards arrive and put Derpy into solitary confinement. Why?
“For protection.”
“Oh thank goodness! Thank you so much!”
“No, dolt, protection for them!” he said, motioning over to the fallen inmates.
I guess Derpy’s been using steroids while everypony else wasn’t looking.
“Unbelievable… un-bucking-believable,” he muttered to himself. “One day. You’re with us one day and you’ve already destroyed half of Mess Hall D and sent a dozen inmates to the infirmary! No wonder they locked you up.”
“B-but it wasn’t my fault, I swear, I-”
Derpy: I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m sorry…
I could think of a few things…
Yes, I’m an asshole. Deal with it.
And it turns out that Derpy was locked up because… she’s dangerous… Okay, yeah, she’s a klutz and a bit accident prone, but locking her up? Locking her up was the only way for this to work? On whose authority?! Did Derpy just not lawyer up when they came to her house and arrested her for being a tad different?! Isn’t that discrimination?!
Or were the ponies who arrested her also the ones who wanted to get rid of her from the show because she’s “offensive” or some bullshit?
Derpy becomes sad over this, feeling that she had no place to belong. After a while, a stallion by the name of Ra’s Al Ghul. Whoops, wrong story. I mean, Magique appears and tells Derpy that he works for somepony that has taken an interest in Derpy for her ability to take down enemies without really trying.
I always wondered why Goofy was my favorite Disney character.
Again, we go through the talking head syndrome that Mare of Steel was famous for. Seriously, they could be in the same canon… Actually that would be a pretty sweet crossover. Supermare VS Batmare: Dawn of Justice! Make it happen people!
Magique tells Derpy that she is special in a way that would not resemble Batman Begins. Nope. Not even close. Nowhere near anything resembling Batman Begins. Unless, Batman Begins happened like this than that's exactly what happened.
We get another flashback of Derpy with her mother and her mother is trying to convince her to try something that Derpy is afraid she might fail at. Flying. After a few words of encouragement, Derpy is able to leap into the air and fly around. This gives her courage in the present time to take another leap of faith and try.
This I like because it actually has the flashback means something to Derpy instead of showing it just to show it. It actually serves a purpose in this scene. Granted, I think there are too many flashbacks in this chapter, but this one was well done. To be honest, you could take away the first flashback in this chapter.
“Are we there yet?”
“No.”
“Are we there yet?”
“No.”
“Are we there yet?”
“No.”
“Are we there yet?”
“No!”
While cute, I would like to know who is talking here. I can pretty much guess here, but I thought Derpy was talking to Magique for a second. Unless, I’m wrong and she actually is. Derpy is to be escorted via chariot to the Crystal Mountain and all the charges against her are to be dropped. I’m still wondering what charges are against her to begin with!
Let’s see… cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Is that a bird? Nope, cloud. Cloud. Soooooooo bored.
No… kind of looks like Rainbow Dash in a terrible disguise and a red cape … Last Mare of Steel reference, I promise.
We then get flashback number 562, where we learn that Derpy’s mother was part of a task force to take care of out of control storms and that most of the time the job was dangerous due to the lack of Pegasi on hand trained to handle this kind of job and the types of storms they were facing.
Now, I like this more than Cielo’s Secret. That story had not only an unlikable protagonist (as well as many other things I didn’t like), but had a similiar set up to this. However, unlike this story, Cielo’s Secret acted like there was only one pony who was trained to handle these kinds of situations.
This story shows that the division that is behind the same situation is understaffed and spread too thin, making it more believable when something bad does happen and they can’t just call in others to assist. It’s Cielo’s Secret done right and it’s not even the main focus. This flashback also introduces us to Derpy’s love of muffins.
Derpy arrives at the base of the Crystal Mountain where the guards drop her off. She then figures that she had best look for the flower that Magique asked her to find. Derpy finds the flowers at the base of pike that stick out of the ground and picks one. Why do I get uncomfortable Vlad the Impaler flashbacks? Also, forget about the flower for a long, LONG while, because it doesn't play much of a role here.
As she examines the mountain, she feels the gusts of wind and figures it would be too dangerous to try to fly through it with her light weight. So, instead she tries hoofing it.
Well, at least she’s smarter than the Sorceress Supreme.
As she climbs the mountain, she begins to doubt why she is even making this crazy journey.
There’s something… inside me. Deep down, I know it’s there. Something special about me that I just haven’t found yet. Mama always knew it was there, she said so all the time, and if she thought it was there, well then, by the sun, moon, and stars that’s good enough for me!
The Tale of the Sun, Moon and Stars spoke of Derpy rising up and becoming an alicorn princess. That was in the sequels.
Derpy continues up the mountain and comes across a tiny village where the villagers aren’t very welcoming to her. Especially when she mentions that she is looking for Dämons Hengst. Especially, especially when you translate the name which means Demon Stallion, I’m not all that surprised they ran.
However, Derpy runs into what appears to be the village elder who tells her to continue to climb. Derpy follows the path the old stallion told her to and finally makes it to a large citadel. Upon entering, Derpy finds Magique and Damons. Damons asks why Derpy is here.
"Uh, well, because you invited me, I guess. I mean, Mister Magique told me that you wanted me to come, so… here I am!” Derpy offered, cracking a weak smile.
Damons: No wonder you were kicked off the show for 2 seasons. Kick her off the mountain too while you’re at it!
Okay, that didn’t really happen. But it sure would have been funny. Derpy’s actual response is…
“Well Mister Hengst, sir, I’m here because I need to be. I’ve spent far too many years wandering about aimlessly, clumsy, the butt of everypony’s jokes,
What kind of insensitive prick would ever make fun of Derpy?
After her speech, Hengst and Derpy stare at each for five minutes… No, I’m not kidding here. Five minutes.
For a good five minutes Derpy and Dämons Hengst just stared at each other, completely oblivious to everything else around them.
What, are they having a staring contest?
Damons: You know… this would be a lot fairer of a contest if you would look at me straight on. The whole chameleon thing is throwing me off.
Derpy: I’m sorry…
Damons: Look me in the eye when I’m talking to you!
I’m a horrible pony.
Damons says that she passed her first trial and that Derpy will need some rest before she can begin in the morning.
After Derpy leaves, Damons and Magique have a conversation about what to do with Derpy and the story keeps its talking head syndrome that it displayed in the first part of the chapter. Well, at least, it’s consistent.
Derpy wakes up the next morning with Magique watching over her while she sleeps… Yeah, because… that’s not creepy in the least…
Magique explains that he let Derpy rest through half the day because what he expects of her is extremely physically and mentally exhausting and that she’ll need her strength if she is to survive. I would question why they are so relaxed about her training and not more disciplined, but the story does mention that she did climb three-fifth of a mountain (whatever that means) so I’ll let it slide.
And then, Magique goes extreme full on creeper…
Derpy raised an eyebrow. “Were you planning on just sitting there all day watching me until I woke up?”
“Yes,” he said. “Why?”
“Oh, no reason!”
Um… Magique… you know how stalker-ish this looks right?! Like, REALLY stalker-ish?! Why don’t you give her some space, you sick fuck?! You’re as bad as Frollo was last week!
Magique starts to explain the reason why their training is so rigorous. Each and every pony has demons within them and that in order to be effective at what they do, they need to recognize these demons and dispel them. This coming from the guy who works for a guy who’s name translates into Demon Stallion and who watches Derpy while she sleeps. I can see Derpy’s not the only one with demons to work out of her system.
Magique explains that she needs to define herself before she can make herself into the pony she wants to become. Derpy explains that she doesn’t understand. And I really do like this scene, Derpy is a little on the slow side and it shows that Magique is getting frustrated.
But at the same time, if Magique knew this about Derpy, why did he bother trying to get her?
“If only it were that simple Miss Hooves. You are right in saying that your identity is who you are, but that does not mean that you define it, not yet at least. Most ponies these days do not define who they are, and it is for this reason that exceptional individuals are such a rarity.
And an exceptional individual she is…
I don’t care if you’ve been dead for 700 years… ONE DAY YOU WILL BE MINE!
“Wait, what?” Derpy blinked in surprise. “What’s so bad about cutie marks?”
“Nothing inherently. In and of themselves cutie marks are merely an amusing, albeit completely unnecessary, novelty of our biological makeup.But they have become a curse to ponykind, a crutch to some and handicap to others, on account of the degree to which ponies disgustingly revere them.”
Oh, so this story is taking advice from Mykan…
Come on, guys! It was a joke!
Okay, in the story’s defense, the story does try to make it like Cutie Marks aren’t a bad thing by themselves. It’s the psychology one has when going into a Cutie Mark. That their special talent defines them, rather than them their special talent. I admit, I do like this.
Derpy makes a speech about how she isn’t exactly clear what her Cutie Mark represents, but that she’s never been bound by it, and that she ultimately does the best she can at whatever she does in the hopes that she can discover what it means, come what may.
The most prominent example of this I can think of is Cheerilee’s cutie mark. Looking at it, by itself, it isn’t exactly clear what Cheerilee’s cutie mark is supposed to represent. You’d think that it would have something to do with gardening, but in actuality, in Cheerilee’s words…
the flowers symbolized my hope that I could help my future students bloom if I nurture them with knowledge. The smiles represented the cheer I hope to bring to my little ponies while they were learning.
Yeah, its not exactly straight forward and it probably took Cheerilee some thought to figure out, but the point is, she defined her cutie mark, not the other way around.
As the first lesson ends, Magique asks Derpy to get some rest for the more rigorous stuff later.
The next day, we get some more talking head syndrome and a really lazy feeling training sequence. The training isn’t very long, but it does feel like it was hastily rushed. Again, I understand wanting to get to the point of it all, but you could have shown us something.
But we do get some really interesting insight into the training event. Since it explains that Derpy had some ‘mishaps’ and even had completed one of the laps backwards. Again, I enjoy this story not taking itself too seriously. After all, you’re making Batman Derpy! That’s just awesome!
And again, I enjoy Magique’s reactions to Derpy’s silliness. It’s both a satire and a homage to Batman. Something that other writers have failed to do. I’m looking at you, Frank Miller!
The story continues with talking about Derpy’s training with talking about physical activities, studies into philosophy, science (including but not limited to chemistry), as well as exercises to help her wings and flight patterns.
And then we get to history military tactics. And I admit, the world building for this scene is pretty good and does fit within the story, since not only does it show tactics that Derpy will use later in the story, but it does show Derpy unable to concentrate on things that she feels she should know.
“I believe you’ll be working with Tiny Taste tonight, Miss Hooves.”
Derpy flinched at the news, growing pale as a wave of dread swept over her.
Oh feather me, that’s just perfect.
You are probably all wondering who Tiny Taste is…
Yeah… so am I.
This character has never been mentioned before, so I’m curious why Derpy is so upset by this? Was he bullying Derpy? Is he rude? Strict? Makes her do her chores while singing “The Comet Song”? What?!
It turns out that the real reason why Derpy is upset by this, is because that this is kitchen duty. Kitchen duty happens to be her worst chore. … Which begs the question, why did there need to be somepony here to begin with? I guess you do need a straight man to bounce jokes off of, but I’m curious why Derpy didn’t just ask what chore she was doing tonight?
Derpy goes to her kitchen duties and tries to make the best of it, much to her and Tiny’s dismay.
So, Chef Ramsey starts barking orders around and gets Derpy to focus on stirring oatmeal as the most harmless job he can come up with. Meanwhile, the rest of the organization are waiting for their meals to be delivered, with Magique talking about Derpy’s training and unlocking her potential.
And during this scene we get to see other members of the order discussing Derpy and what to do with her. And to be fair, the characters aren’t bad, but I would have liked to have seen them interact with Derpy before meeting them and learning their thoughts about her.
The kitchen staff arrive and when Ramsey remembers that Derpy is in the kitchen alone he darts back to find that she’s pulled a Sweetie Belle.
So, before Ramsey can kill Derpy, Magique steps in and interrupts the two from fighting, defending Derpy, stating that she’s made mistakes and that’s she not to be judge harshly for them. Funny, that’s what Princess Celestia apparently did.
Ramsey makes Magique agree that Derpy isn’t allowed in his kitchen until she can straighten herself out. This will have new context later. After he stomps off, Magique tells Derpy to get some rest while the others rectify her situation.
Apparently, there is some kind of test Derpy has to pass in order to truly become one of them and many of the ponies are dubious about her succeeding.
Well considering her track record, I am not all that surprised.
Damn it. Just… damn it.
Derpy! Watch your fucking language! You kiss your mother with that mouth!
Oh, that’s right… She’s dead… whoops…
It’s not fair, it’s just not fair. It used to be I could just shake these things off, tell myself this was just my lot in life and move on. But now, now it’s not enough. I want to be more, I need to be more, and I just know I can be more;
Derpy decides to get some shuteye and rest since tomorrow is ‘her day off’. However, Magique comes to her room and wakes her up, demanding that she get to work immediately. Derpy is confused by this and … even a little sarcastic…
“Flying then. Oh great, that’s gonna be even loads more fun, thank you so very much.”
Considering what we’ve seen of Derpy’s personality until this point, this is really odd. I mean, I know she’s frustrated, but this seems a little too far fetch from what we’ve seen. Maybe if she had maybe one or two other moments of sarcasm like this beforehand, because this seems really out of left field.
Magique takes Derpy to a cave where he encounters Darth Vader…. I mean, where she is asked to fly through a number of times.
Derpy is hesitant at first, but Magique’s silver tongue comes into play and we get a really good line from Derpy.
No it doesn’t, but you’ve got a fine way of sugarcoating everything. I bet you could make charging a hydra or tussling with a dragon sound like a walk in the park with that silver tongue of yours.
Magique: Now, you just rush up to that dragon screaming “Ooggie Boogiety Boo!” at the top of your lungs with this stick, swinging it wildly at it, while I run the other direction.
Critique: Are you sure this is a good plan?
Magique: Well, you are the best pony suited for the job of saving all of us.
Critique: You got a good point! OOGGIE BOOGIETY BOO!
Magique: … Idiot…
So, Derpy continues to fly back and forth through the cavern, each time getting more tired than the last and I can’t help but feel this is a training exercise done right, but it’s also at this point of the story that I realize how slow it’s gotten. Most of these first few chapters are just her either screwing up or talking with Magique. Not a bad thing, mind you, but I’m craving a little action in a ‘Superhero Action Story’.
She passes her test and Magique says that she is ready to face her demons. These would most likely appear in the form of parent’s who would call her offensive.
Our next chapter shows what Derpy’s been doing for the last several. Physical activities that don’t involve punching somepony. Christ, I like a good training montage, but this is painfully slow that it’s starting to get boring. Not a good step, story!
Maybe an intense action scene would spice things up. I know you want to save your cards, but you can’t expect us to trudge through the same boring training sequences forever! Throw me a fucking bone, story!
“I must say, much as I enjoy a good hike, this is a rather dull affair. How about a story to pass the time?”
Does this story contain excitement and suspense, because this story certainly hasn’t delivered yet…
So, we get some history about the order that Derpy is being dragged in. As interesting as it probably was, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying that much attention, it’s just padding until we get to the next interesting bit. I know a story doesn’t have to be action all the time, but for fuck’s sake, have somepony hit somepony! That’d be a nice change of pace!
Honestly, it’s just an attempt to connect this order thing with Equestria’s origin and the shit that went around that. You know, you don’t have to connect everything to everything. Equestria's a big place!
I can’t say the backstory of Magpie appeals to me any more after the exposition dump truck that was just poured onto me with the Order 1886, now we have the backstory of our main antagonist. I know they go hand in hand with each other, but can’t we have the backstory of our villain and leave it at that. Christ, it would have made this chapter to a bearable length.
Miss Hooves, please, restrain yourself!” Aucune implored, forcefully cutting off Derpy before she overwhelmed herself and her mentor with an endless list of questions. “I’m pleased that you’re so enthralled by our history,
I’m glad someone is…
“Very well then. Where to begin? I suppose the start’s as good a place as any. I was born in Canterlot to an old unicorn family.
OH, GOD! STOP!
“Miss Hooves, you’re asking about more than three decades; sorry, but if I were to recount every chapter of my life, we’d be here well into next week.
Why the fuck not?! You’ve recounted everything from Discord’s fall from power to present day! I’m sure you could work in the fucking origins of the universe like Solar Embrace while you’re at it!
The writing is all well and good, but it’s all just padding if I don’t give a shit! And, I love you story, but I don’t give a shit about your antagonist at the moment! I know I’m supposed to care, but I’m so fucking bored of the tediousness of every single chapter with the possible exception of the first one, that I’d kill for something to kill someone!
I know Batman Begins dragged things out, but I don’t think it was this much!
Hay, for all she knew some small corner of her mind might’ve known this was coming when she’d made the decision to pursue this whole crazy undertaking over a month ago. Before that things were so much less complicated.She’d had a steady job, some good friends, and lived in a nice community; was it really all that bad?
Maybe Derpy doesn’t remember Celestia calling her offensive and locking her in a dungeon, but I certainly do. I know I won’t let it go, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around why. The story hasn’t exactly conjured up an explanation yet, and it’s at the point where it’s rather annoying. Chekhov's gun, people!
And like a blessing from the heavens and a damnantion from hell, MORE BACKSTORY TIME!
But this is completely different because it’s about Derpy! Which ends up being more of an interrogation then an actual explanation of her backstory. Magpie asks her a question, Derpy answers it. And I can’t help but feel that this backstory and the villain's backstory could have or should have been in the same fucking chapter and cut out the world building bit about the Order. Why? Because it’s boring. These dumptruck of expositions are getting rather tiring story. I want to like you. I really do, but this isn’t exactly helping!
We do eventually get an interesting bit about Derpy’s mother when a nasty storm hits her house. Derpy’s mother appears in her room and tells her to climb on her back to take her to her aunts while the storm continues.
As you can imagine, this being a Batman story and all, it goes a bit something like this…
Yeah, it’s a Batman story. Did you guys forget? Because I certainly did. Let me remind you. THIS IS A BATMAN STORY!
But thankfully after that bit of excitement it goes straight to Derpy’s father. Who we are only now just learning about. Turns out that Derpy’s dad was kind of a prick that wanted nothing to do with Derpy.
And we are described the funeral in full fucking detail! I like my details story, but I don’t think the every little nook and cranny of the funeral is the most important detail now! We are focusing on Derpy’s father! Focus on it! I know he doesn’t show up at the funeral, but why do we need to know all the little things that happened at the funeral before we get to that point?!
I know this is supposed to be a traumatic experience, but it’s so fucking boring!
And after the flashback it talks about Derpy’s father not being there. Then where the fuck was he?! Look I know I shouldn’t take abandonment issues likely, but if we just spent a whole fucking funeral with him not there, I expect just a little scene with him and Derpy. You could still have the abandonment thing, just show us that he’s abandoned her by being distant or not even bothering to look at her.
After that, Derpy begins to explain her journey to Ponyville… Jesus… and how her job eventually landed her in prison. Really? Okay, finally we get find out how the fuck someone as innocent as Derpy was imprisoned.
“Public endangerment, actually,” Derpy sourly corrected. “And let’s just say that I had a delivery to make to Manehattan that went down really badly.” Aucune raised an eyebrow, provoking an exasperated eye roll from Derpy in turn. “Really, really, really badly, OK?” she reiterated once more.
Okay… here it comes!
“I’ll take you at your word and leave it at that,” he acceded.
What?... What?!
“Thank you. Like I said, I hit rock bottom; I mean, can’t get much worse than prison, right, especially when it’s your own incompetence and nothing else that lands you there?
HOW THE FUCK DID… Oh, never mind.
So, now Derpy must… meditate on her problems… Ugh… So, freaking slow… After what appears to be 3000 words of Derpy trying to meditate, we finally get the scene where Derpy learns that all she needed was love…
And because of this, her eyes… straighten? … Sure…
We then get our talking head syndrome returning in full swing where I have really no idea who is talking. I assume Magpie and Derpy, but see if you can do better.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You look a little… agitated, is all.”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Just a tad.”
“I guess I am a bit wound up. Nerves, I suppose.”
Not exactly winning points, story. It turns out that an entire year has passed since the day Derpy’s eyes straightened out… STUPID… and she’s finally training in physical combat. But like a carrot dangling in front of my face, that I have honestly moved on from by now, the story decides to do a little poem reading by a character we’ve never seen before and know nothing about.
Woven in like a quilt.
It talks about the Luna Rebellion and other such shit, I don’t care. Can we just focus on fucking Batman for more than five and a half seconds?! I know you want to world build, but when you do too much world building, you lose focus of what you were doing in the first place! Look if you want to do the story of the history of Equestria, then do the story about the fucking history of Equestria! If you want to do a Batman story, DO A BATMAN STORY! When you try to tie the two together like this, you use up valuable time developing a world that Batman is going to spend very little time in. I don’t think that the way Luna and Celestia fought 1000 years ago is going to be incorporated into Batman!
We then cut to Ra’s and Magpie where they discuss how Derpy might fare against one of their top ponies in combat. Derpy finally arrives and she and her opponent have at it. A little earlier would have been nice, story!
And the story torturously draws out the intro of the fight with a gambling racket … again with characters we’ve only known for … what… a few minutes at best. I don’t think the story of Batman Begins put so much focus on Ninja number 3! Why are we focusing on these characters?! Why are we not focusing on Derpy, Magpie and Damos?! You know, the focus of the story?! We then cut to a few rules about the duel… which I have to bring into question…
And finally, abilities unique to pony races may not be employed to delay the kampfduell in any way. Miss Hooves, that means that you may not utilize your flight to evade Brawny Charger once the kampfduell begins. However, you may use your wings to your advantage in direct combat itself, as long as they are used to deliver or block a blow of some sort. Beyond that, everything aside from attacks that have a high probability
… So, she gets two extra limbs to block with? … Well, that’s just earth pony bigotry!
Okay… maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. I mean, it’s not like her opponent is an earth pony…
“Earth pony bias, really. To be frank, I do think these two are pretty evenly matched. But you can only bet on one, so when it comes down to it, I gotta go with Brawny. Us earth ponies gotta stick together, ya know?
God damn it!
So, finally, we get to the fight scene.
The reenergized crowd, aroused from their bored state by this sudden turn of events, went wild now that a real fight was unfolding before them.
There is a metaphor in this sentence. See if you can spot it.
Derpy wins the fight and everyone cheers and Derpy thinks that nothing bad can ever happen. That’s not false either. If anything bad was going to happen, it will happen 8 chapters from now with this pacing.
So, the story turns to the point of view of Magpie, in which he speaks with his cohorts about Derpy. In the conversation, it is revealed that Damos Hengst, the Demon Stallion is none other than Magpie. While this does ruin the mystery to non-Batman fans, I can totally see why the author did this. Anyone who has already seen Batman Begins already knows how this story is going to play out and how the mystery is going to be revealed. This way the audience of the non-Batman fans catch up to those who have seen the movie.
However, I’m not sure if I entirely agree with it. While I do think that this is a move that should have been done in this situation, maybe it would have been better had he said he was the one in charge to begin with. A personal preference, but I don’t feel that him lying to Derpy about who he is accomplishes his mission any further.
Anyway, the group review Derpy’s progress over the past year and debate whether she is worthy of joining their group and learning the true purpose of what she is being trained for. It seems that over the past year, Derpy has become sort of a prodigy. Able to perform a number of tasks nearly flawlessly. And I can’t help but feel a misstep here. A small one, but something I want to address. While this is supposed to be a Batman story and I realize that Batman is a master of many things, this is also Derpy as Batman. DERPY AS BATMAN!
I would have personally liked to have seen Derpy’s screwups or weaknesses turned into her greatest strength, similar to how this story started. How she was able to klutz fight her way out of a situation or something using her handicap to her advantage, like throwing an answer to a problem that no one would have thought and have it actually work. Again, I understand where the story is coming from. It is still a Batman story and you want Derpy to be Batman. But she is still Derpy too. And I feel this was a bad step for some great character moments for her.
Again, this could just be my personal opinion seeing how we have Derpy as Batman.
Everypony praises how powerful and skilled Derpy has become. However, one of the members brings up a valid point that causes concern throughout the group.
“Sister Lightning, if you’d be so kind, I’d like you to answer a simple question for me: is Miss Hooves capable of killing?”
The group explains that Derpy has expressed how uncomfortable she is at taking a life and stating as wanting to find another way. One of the group makes the accusation that Damos (I’m calling him that from now on) is too close to Derpy and that his love for Derpy has blinded him.
Damos admits to his failings and assures the Order 1886 that he will fix this problem and explain to Derpy the reason why they are who they are.
Something I wanted to mention about this chapter is how the author claims that this chapter is slow, but actually I thought the pacing of this chapter was actually really solid. The chapter is only 5000 words long. Now, that may seem like a lot. But compared to the 30000+ words of world building we just trudged through in order to get to a decent action/intense moment, this is a well deserved break. It had some nice character moments from the extras in the order and even got us to know a little bit about what is expected of Derpy and how she’s going to have to overcome it. I can’t help but feel that some of these chapters are padded out extremely badly. But this one is one of the ones that I felt that weren’t very padded at all. Maybe a few moments, but it felt like it actually flowed okay.
So, Damos shows Derpy a suit of armor that officially means she’s part of the order. And we actually get some nice father/daughter/best friend moments between the two characters. Only this time, I feel someone concerned about it because of that moment where Damos is going to have to ask Derpy to kill. That builds up some good tension. Let’s see if it pays off.
So, Derpy starts trying on the armor and it turns out it’s been magically enchanted to fit her body perfectly. Right, and the Mare of Steel’s outfit provides her a disguise.
… Wait, it does? … Oh… magic of Equestria I guess… Yes, I broke my promise! Shut up!
A few days later, while Derpy is training in the armor, one of the members who challenged Damos authority approaches Derpy about the final test that she must surpass to become a member of the order. The member takes Derpy to the cave where she did her flying test and to a stallion who is set for execution. It turns out to be the stallion who was in charge of guarding her in the prison.
You know, something that’s just occurred to me. Unless, Derpy’s clumsiness caused the deaths of innocents, I very much doubt this will make sense. But who knows, maybe the author will surprise me.
Anyway, the order asks Derpy to execute this stallion. For … justice? Justice for what? Was he the guy who sent Derpy to prison? It just says that he was one of the wardens in charge of guarding her? It doesn’t say any injustices he did. Maybe it’s because he put her in solitary confinement? That was for the safety of the other prisoners if I remember right!
They ask Derpy to execute him for the greater good.
However, Derpy can’t bring herself to do it, even to a pony she hates as much as the warden. She comes to the conclusion that Derpy is being tested in her vigil against such actions. She refuses to take his life and explains that she wants to be a part of the order and that the order she wants to be a part of would never kill.
And then the member slices the dude’s throat open…
As you can imagine, Derpy doesn’t take this very well.
Quick as a flash, Derpy lunged towards Dämons and slammed a hoof into the first thing she could think of: his horn. It was every unicorn’s weakest spot in close combat, and evidently Dämons had overlooked just how close they really were. Before he could conjure up a shield or raise a hoof to defend himself, Derpy was already on top of him.
Yeah! Kick his ass, Derpy!
A fight ensues between the two and Derpy beats the hell out of him, knocking him out. As Derpy examines the pony's body, she starts to blame herself for the warden’s death.
Oh no. He’s dead. He’s really dead. I… it’s my fault. I could’ve saved him, but I – what did I do wrong? Why did he kill him? Why did I fail? We’re the – they’re the good guys, right? They’ve been so good to me, to so many others. So why, why, why did he kill him? Good guys don’t kill the defenseless. Good guys don’t kill petty bullies. They’re just, and fair, and – this was just cold-blooded murder.
I just don’t know what went wrong… Okay, okay, I’ll stop. I promise.
She begins to question whether or not the order had known the entire time if this is what was always meant for her. And if they did, why did they never reveal it to her. She runs off hoping to get away from the place and it’s a little heartbreaking to hear the betrayal of the order in her heart.
Meanwhile, the member that Derpy beat up wakes up and heads back to the castle to tell the order of Damos’s latest failings. That they wasted an entire year training a trainee that would ultimately never go along with their plans.
Well, he’s not exactly wrong.
Damos returns from his trip to Manehatten, pissed off that he was called there for no reason, and discovers that it was his subordinate who tricked him into leaving, so he could test Derpy without his consent.
And he discovered that Damos wasted his time training Derpy. I love it when the story does my job for me.
Damos opens up the traitors plan by explainning that while the warden was a stallion who needed to be punished for being what they stood again, he did so without trial or giving Derpy an understanding of the situation, stating that it’s not about killing ponies just to kill ponies, it’s actually about knowing why they kill ponies. A motive. Which is actually the more interesting aspects of this scene. It’s kind of cool seeing Damos picking part this asshole’s plan. Damos reveals that the traitor did all this simple because he was jealous of Damos’s authority in the order and not about Derpy. Derpy was just a tool to be used to further his plans.
And admittedly, I do like this. In another story, this guys would have attacked or tricked Derpy because he hated her. Here, he uses her and takes advantage of her to get after another. That's way more diabolic because he has no reason to use Derpy, but he does because it's convenient. And it makes the world seem more fleshed out since the world doesn't revolve around Derpy far more than the world building stuff does.
Damos knocks out the traitor and imprisons him to await judgment. He sends out his troops to find Derpy in the hopes of explaining what is happening.
Damos goes to rest with a mare named Lightning, and Damos explains that for the first time in a long time, he was happy because of how Derpy made him feel. I can’t help but think that this could have been a better spot for the villain’s backstory to be told or even hinted at. Rather than earlier. Maybe gone into a little detail at that moment in the past and then finish it here.
A personal preference mind you, but something I wanted to address.
Derpy awakens in a dark place where she wanders around trying to find her way out.
“Rise, Derpy Hooves. It is not yet your time to relinquish this mortal coil. You still have yet a part to play in this world.”
Critique: Lord Derpy…
Yes, master…
Critique: Rise…
A lot of Star Wars references in this one for some reason…
She continues to climb out of the darkness with a voice leading her. Oh, good. Derpy’s finally lost it. Follow the voice in your head, Derpy, I’m sure that will lead to good.
She wakes up in a village being poked at by children with sticks. Get away from her kids! She’s offensive! The two kids named Bean and Sprout are suspicious about Derpy and think that she’s dangerous. But Derpy is able to convince them by doing this…
“Sorry, didn’t mean to disturb you. I’ll just be on my way if I’m just gonna be too much trouble for ya; I certainly wouldn’t want to get you into any trouble with your parents, and I’m sure they wouldn’t want you talking to any strangers.” She continued on her way, though her steps were heavy and listless.
And there’s the PSA for stranger danger, kids. Don’t talk to strangers, unless they tell you not to.
Derpy asks where Manehatten is and the kids point out the directions. Before Derpy can leave however, the children offer Derpy to stay at their house to get some rest and some food. Derpy refuses saying that she needs to get going for fear of the group of murderers that would bring terror to the family if she did.
Derpy leaves the family behind and starts to make her way back to Manehatten where her adventures will eventually continue, but for now, that’s all we have.
And that was ACT 1 of Batmare Begins….
THIS STORY…
…
…
…
is actually not that bad.
While I can’t judge it as a whole because it isn’t finished yet, from what I read, there is a solid story here and some great talent and passion behind it.
The character of Derpy and Damos is well established and they play off the relationship they have for each other very well. You really get a sense of the daughter/father bond the two have for each other.
While I would have liked a little more with Derpy and her mother, what we got wasn’t terrible at all. Just a little less than I would have liked. The chemistry they had was very strong and it is easy to see why Derpy has problems accepting her death.
The father was pretty much a joke in the first act. He ultimately has no role in this story, except to abandon Derpy. This wouldn’t bother me as bad if we had actually seen this and this wasn’t the huge motivation for why Derpy is upset.
We don’t learn anything about why Derpy was arrested or put in jail for any crimes she had. We still have questions on that. And any explanation I’ve come up with doesn’t really make a lot of sense. I realize she was only in prison for a day, but the fact that a court allowed that, despite her handicap was a bit headscratching.
I’m not ultimately fond of her eyes straightening out thing and the focus of this story about Derpy being Batman does not touch on the Batman elements enough for me.
And the pacing… The pacing of this thing is really bad in the middle of the First Act. It drags on ridiculously bad with a lot of world building features at once. And while they are all written well, I can’t say that enough of them have to do with what is going on right now. The villain's backstory was fine and Derpy’s story was good. But the story of Discord and Sombra have very little to do with Derpy and what she goes through. Maybe they come into play later, but the way I see this going, if Batman Begins is any indication, I don’t see why this couldn’t have waited.
Now, with all that said, I still think this is a very decent start. It has good characters, very well written descriptions, a relatable antagonist, a good relationship between characters. Some of the dialogue is very solid, especially between Derpy and Damos. Honestly, the story of these two bring this story to life.
The way they play off each other and the way the respond to each other are very entertaining. Derpy is entertaining and cute and shows a lot of competence while still feeling like Derpy for the most part.
The training sequences are fun, even if a couple of them do drag on and the fight was kind of entertaining.
The character of Damos is an interesting take of Ra’s Al Ghul. He is a much more charismatic, almost silly character. It’s different, but not in a bad way. In fact, it makes it much easier to understand why he took a liking to Derpy. I don’t think this would have worked if the character was written like Ra’s Al Ghul. This actually makes more sense the way the story did it.
Overall, it’s flawed, but it shows a lot of potential with a great writer and it’s one that I do hope to come back to when it is finished. If you can stand 30000+ words of world building, this fic has plenty of good to offer.
And that was Batmare Begins… I hope you all enjoyed it.
But now it’s time for me to prepare for my next review. Computer, what’s next on the agenda?
Sequel September.
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....
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Take your pick.
I trid that once... I then go distracted by Avatar: The Last Airbender, so...
UNTRUE! Mare of Steel didn't have flashbacks until Chapter 5.
I admit, I have troubles with that at times. Then again, I've put a few of my characters through some serious shit, so any chipperness they might have had before has been chewed up a bit.
... Or maybe I'm part of a problem. I'm not sure.
If she wasn't Batman, Derpy would make a nice Harley Quinn...
Offence. I'm sure the story is perfectly inoffensive.
I already did that.
Sure it is...
Something that a lot of ponywriters seem to forget...
What are you talking about, retard?! The Goddamn Batman is the best Goddamn Batman anyone's ever written!
I will admit, the story is paced a bit slowly. Mind you, that's not a bad thing, and it gives us time to understand the characters a bit, but it can drag the story down if there's too much preparation for little payoff.
Riddler: What has holes in it and travels down an alley?
Batman: My Parents?!
Riddler: What? No! It's a bowling ball. Jeez man, I'm sorry...
Called it.
Green Arrow: JUSTICE!!!!
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Oh... It's not finished.
Well then... I can say I'm looking forward to where it goes. Cut out a little bit of the talking head syndrome, and I think it'll be even better.
Well, you're in for a world of hurt, given what we've seen and heard of
Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, thank you so much for doing this!
This was a wonderfully written and terribly entertaining review, with some great critiques to boot. Oddly enough, none of my readers have ever complained about Chapters 5 and 6, but I can totally see where you're coming from there, especially since you were reading all 10 chapters published so far. The good news is that the exposition dump that is so much of Act 1 is pretty much over; there's going to be plenty of new characters introduced in Act 2 for sure, and it's going to start out a little slow, but the overall pace should pick up far quicker than Act 1's did. Really, the toughest part about Act 1 for me was two things: (1) I wanted to flesh out the Order's history for Derpy and the audience, and admittedly went a bit overboard with that (the most gratuitous bits being the history of their origins and, maybe even more so, the nod to Chengar Qordath's Lunar Rebellion in Chapter 7), and (2) fitting all of this into a year for Derpy. Other superhero crossovers you could develop a lot quicker, even if you were telling an origin story; the problem here is that I'm doing a Batman/MLP crossover origin story, and in all of Batman's origins, he doesn't get bitten by some radioactive spider or is born an alien from another world who's freakishly strengthened by the sun, but rather spends at least 10 years honing his abilities. That latter bit especially made for a slow first act, and one I had to explain as well, since Derpy's obviously not a billionaire who can just globe trot from mentor to mentor.
So yeah, admittedly, this is a slow burn; some of that's necessary for the purposes of writing a fic of this nature that turns out well, others are probably less so and could be cut. As for what Derpy was doing in prison, that was another bit where I was kind of asking for some suspension of disbelief from my readers; the idea from the little I explained was that she was in there after being arrested by local Manehattan authorities for a particularly nasty bit of property damage in Manehattan, and that the trial hadn't happened yet (and yes, I know, many times criminals whose trials haven't happened yet, especially for something like property damage, would be in a police station holding cell initially rather than a prison). Looking at it now, I realize there might not have been enough explanation for it, but at the same time it's not exactly something I ever intended the reader to dwell on. Granted, now that I'm more experience at writing fanfiction, there might have been a better place to start than there, but I'm living with it as is. None of these points are raise are excuses on my part, no, your critiques are very much spot on; just trying to explain what went into the writing process that produced these chapters is all. I'm very happy that you're still enjoying it, and I think you'll find that Act 2 will not have many of the problems that Act 1 did. Thank you so much again for taking the time to read all of this and write this review, it's very generous and kind of you, and I appreciate your praise and criticisms alike.
Also, I won't lie, I was in tears at this part of the review:
That image just made me laugh so much, I almost want to write in the Critique and for Damons to show up by him just to do that.
Magique: Guys, this jackoff tore my written history of the Order a new one and thought it was too long winded and convoluted! Well I'll show him!
Charisma-powers, activate!!! 
Overall, thank you so much again, and feel free any time to add your thoughts on my story's comments page about how it's going. Now, let's have our best ponies bro it out; come here, you!
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Fabulous.
That's far more reserved than my reaction was.
Alfred is the coolest character in the DC universe. So its only a matter of time before something horrible happens to him, but in the meantime, he's awesome.
Of Course,, professionals aren’t much better. naming no names, *cough* DC *cough*
Nearly every author has to do it sometime, its like the way every actor has one bad performance.
I have learned all I need to of Ditzy. I will now take my leave.
Hooray! The mountain didn't blow up!
This is the most lax boot camp ninja school ever.
I just now realized how bad the pacing in Batman Begins is.
Well, that's the power of love!
I hadn't thought of that. I hope its gets better when she suits up.
Laim Neeson is mad... that's going to be awesome and terrifying.
3349885
It was quite awesome and terrifying, it's all in Chapter 10.
And yes, in case you were wondering, it's very fun writing Liam Neeson-pony. The very thought alone of writing more scenes with him is practically an incentive to keep writing this thing. 
3348824
I think everyone of mine started in flashback and some of Avenging Hobbits.
I'm kind of the same way. I think it's okay to give them a little bit of seriousness every now and then. But too much and we end up with Fant4stic. Yes, I'm still upset about that movie.
Okay... that was hilarious.
3349046 I'm glad you enjoyed the review and I'm happy you commented on it. I understand living with the choices you've made, even looking back. I, too, have made some choices with previous stories that aren't very good. I don't go back and change them because I want to move forward. Not stay in the past. So, I completely understand your reason for accepting what you wrote.
I really want to see where this goes and am really excited to see what you have in store for us next. It was a pleasure to read, even if at points it was a bit slow for me, and I look forward to hearing more from you and your work in the future.
3349885
Yes and some authors are just waiting to write that one good story. I'm looking at you, Mykan.
Yeah, I didn't realize how bad it was either until I started reading this. It's funny how it's only 10 years old now. That's so weird.
3351107
Ah, that makes more sense.
I haven't even seen that movie and I feel for you.
What more can I ask for? Let it begin, let it begin!
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Though it doesn't even have to be a superhero origin fanfic, as some of my stories have proven. Yea, for flashbacks!
Didn't you use that line (or something like it), in your past critique of my story? I also remember stating something along the line of you as Yoda, I think. Though it was a while back. Hard for me to remember that far back.
I like this too. I like the whole possible dual personality that might be brought out in her, within this story. For next to no one as far as I have seen, is entirely what they may seem, nor who they may project in public while trying to keep some form of appearances some may expect of them. This was the case in the story Games We Play by AbsoluteAnonymous. It was a pony disguising one's self in order to be someone else for a while, then after did it to be around a friend in a different way, in order to be her other side with this person, all without it seeming that kind of weird for the both of them. There is more to it than that. But that is another story entirely.
Yes, and it is all in how it is done. For me a story like Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory works. I genuinely liked those two stories. Though I did not like one of the latest dark stories I reviewed. Derpy's Finest Hour. Why would I like Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory, or even like one of the most vile stories I have come across Scootaloo's Master, and not like Derpy's Finest Hour? Simple! Characters that don't fit the story, and lack of story overall. Derpy's Finest Hour plays out as just a Derpy hate fest by those in Ponyville, among other things. Cupcakes played with the idea that Pinkie's mind has cracked and she is now doing things she would never have done before. A simple enough case of split personality do to some form of past trauma. This I will buy as a possible cause for her action in that story. With Rainbow Factory, it is a case of keeping secrets, and keeping an alternate dark life from those that are close friends, Friends that she knows would not approve of of what it is she does there. It is also held within a future time period in which this transition form the Rainbow Dash we know, into the the one in that story. The work being done behind those walls in that factory was to be a secret! What it was Rainbow Dash did in there had to be kept secret. She could be one way while with her friends, and be another while at that job. It is not an impossible concept. It is like being part of a secret society that one just never talks about in public. Like being part of The Elite Hunting Club in that movie Hostel. Those that kill for fun, don't show it while in public or while with other friends they know will not like that other side of them. So this is in part why I would buy what happened in Rainbow Factory. In Scootaloo's Master it is another simple case. A story of a quite mad with power OC. Jerard is the kind of pony one would love to hate, for he is such a monster! It is OK to me, for it is an OC done up this way. I could go on about that one, but again that is another story. In short I can buy the idea of one having two different personalities. Or an OC that is a monster and dose horrible things. As for having two or more different personalities, Fluttershy (one of my most favorite ponies) shows this. She is kind to a fault, though she is also capable of such inner rage, even if she dose not like that part of herself and next to never shows that side to others. It is like a Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde mental complex. Many like to hide their own inner Hyde from others, mostly while with others in person. So I do like the idea of Derpy having a form of duel personality. One she has as herself in public, and the other she has as the Batmare. Works for me.
Man, that was too long of an explanation by me, for something so simple.
I know I have had a problem with doing that within my own stories. When writing a long (scratch that, Overly long!) dialogue sequence, I have left out some of the extra details that might have been in there, in order to focus on what is being said. Sometimes I get myself so caught up in what is being said, I forget to add some other facets within the moment that could enhance it for the reader. It is one of many things I would need to work on doing better.
Just as I did within my own story with her in it. Seeing how it was Derpy, I could not resist. She is the biggest Looney Toon of a pony to me, well above and beyond Pinkie Pie, who is one to me as well.
Yes, I can.
We all have.
Perhaps so.
The old Goofy cartoons were great! Mr. Walker becomes Mr. Wheeler the motorist!
That I would like to see.
"Do you bleed? You will!"
Make no more devils than you can put down, and don't make promises you might not intend to keep.
You just never know when another Mare of Steel reference might come in handy for you.
I don't like seeing that in a plot to a video game. "You must save the world, for no other can!" Zelda and the like. I say this, despite that I am a big Zelda game fan.
That is saying a lot for Derpy. I like this because it gives the idea that Derpy is not just a big screw up, she just has her bad days, more than others. This is reflected in some of the stories with her in them that I liked.
I thought it was do to some odd muffin she ate? Humm... different story.
Hey everyone! May I have your attention please? I am looking for the Necronomicon! The book of the dead, accent burial rights, demon summoning, and other dark magic held within a book bound in flesh and scribed in blood. Has anyone seen this? It is very important to me that I have it.
No! No! Don't run away!
Dang, this always happens.
Derpy then gives out the secret password given to her by the village elder Magique.
Klaatu barada nikto.
Damons looks at Derpy with some scrutiny. "Do I look like a robot to you, or a thing of evil?"
He then face hooves and states, "Wait a minute. This must be another one of Magique's pranks. Look, go back down and tell him that the sun and the moon are not yet ripe. Don't ask, just tell him."
Derpy would win. I mean, who could look at those eyes of hers and not crack under the pressure of keeping some serious concentration? I am not so sure I could.
That is just what I was thinking!
Why do I get that image of the moment in the movie Paranormal Activity, where the wife walks over in her sleep to the other side of the bead and wobbles back and forth for a time?
After him standing over her while she slept, while possibly thinking of something physically exhausting for them both and mentally exhausting for her to be doing when she wakes up.
We jump to an awkward attempted rape scene where he has a hard time getting a hold of her as she flails around trying to get away from him. Trying to grab her and mount her was like trying to hit a fly in the air with a blow dart, or grab a greased pig. She kicks him hard as she gets away. Just barely, as a set of doors block her full escape. She is now faced with possibly having to kill him, or at the very least knock him out completely for some time, as she looks for a way out.
I know. Bad brain, bad brain.
"What I tried to do to you earlier was just a test my dear. And you past! Sorry if I scared you, but it was important I tested you in that way, for what it is you must face." This he tells her as just an excuse for his actions. It was not necessary. He was just unsuccessful in his attempts to take her by force.
Derpy asks, "What do you have in mind for me that would require that kind of test!?"
I know, again. Bad brain, bad brain.
I will stop now.
Because he possibly felt her to be such a simpleton that could be easy to manipulate. Not be so mentally off on the situation, that she doesn't understand what it is he wants her to do or think. Which it seem is actually going on. Seeing how it is Derpy, a rather goofy and silly mare with some faults upstairs, I will buy that.
You know, with what was shown in the movie Jurassic Park, and you have Computer who could help crunch the numbers, it might be possible. You just need a little DNA sample, and Computer's cooperation. Not sure which of the two will be more difficult. Getting the DNA, or Computer's cooperation in doing this?
This has been the case; some ponies, never really know what it is their Cutie Marks mean. This as well was in the show. Mostly in light of the pony clutz that ruined a lot of rodeo events. The Cutie Mark Crusaders helped him find the meaning to his, or at least a better meaning for it that he could work with and live with. In the end his mark really could have meant that he was just a clutz, though it was better for him to think of it the other way suggested to him by the CMC.
I did something like this in regards to one of my OCs. She never really discovers what her Cutie Mark means. And not knowing causes her some problems when she first gets it. She feels she has a better idea of what it really means later, though she never really finds out the truth of it. Much like Cheerilee’s cutie mark, my OC tries to define it by her experiences and how she feels about herself, latter on in her life. Not letting the mark fully define her anymore, but her defining it. In that way, the mark itself is not all that important. It is like getting a fortune cookie. One could think it has meaning if one wishes it to. I had one that told me I was soon going on a trip. I walked outside and slipped on some ice after. Coincidence?
Yes, one just has to have some fun with that idea. It is part of why I like Derpy so much. She to me is a way for me not to take myself or even life itself all too seriously. Life's too short not to have fun in it. One thing I have told people for years, being adult, or having to be adult about things, is overrated. I prefer to have far more fun with my life then what some would suggest I have, Or how i should have fun, do to my age. Like going to a bar and getting drunk, for it is the adult thing to do! I also say, I am old enough to decide for myself how I am to live. Not to do or think as others feel I should. That is kid's stuff, being told what to do in life. Sadly one never fully gets away from having to deal with such. Most everyone is willing to tell you how you should think, live, and do things, all according to them. Hell, even I do it to an extent. Mostly when I tell people not to be a drunken idiot asshole. But few ever listen, just as I tend not to listen to others that say I am old enough that I should be drinking. Yes, I have had a few tell me this. Sad... Some feel drinking is not a right, but an expectation by others to live by to prove that they are old enough for it. I just shake my head, "No!"
OK, I got a bit off track. Drinking will do that, or in my case just thinking of it.
I get an image of the short video Guardian animated by Kanashiipanda.
Now that’s just awesome! Derpy never looked so bad ass! I loved it. I loved the way the camera moved in it and the way Derpy fought. Her movements were so fluid, and she moved about like a fly as she pulled off some fantastic random aerial maneuvers. I like most how she glided along the ground aided by her wings.
Shamelessly I stole the idea of that fighting scene for the second fight Rainbow Dash had with the monster in the end of my last story. I was thinking of that very video while I was putting that moment together.
I could see how that video could fit for showing how Derpy may fight in this story.
This falls in line with something I said in regards to something else.
You can more easily get others to do as you ask, if you tell them how easy it is, then play with their ego.
You have been making this story seem like a possible good read for some, so far. Despite its failings that you point out. I might have a look at it myself sometime. When I can make time. Though I have a horrible feeling that this story goes downhill sometime. Not like a slow slide but, a bad drop.
I will just continue to see what you say on it. You know all too well what I think about assumptions, even my own.
This is one of the biggest problems in this story? Humm... I may actually have to get my own second opinion on this one, by reading it myself. Who knows, I might enjoy it. Though I do see your point. All this training for Derpy to be Batman, and not much fighting. Yes, for a Batman story there should be a lot more fighting in it.
This is like making a story about a gangster and have nothing in it about what he did as a gangster. And for fighting, even though my last story was not about fighting, or any superheroes, I feel mine had more fighting in it than this so far. Well, the first few were more of a struggle-confrontation than a fight, but still.
Gotta love those backstories.
I know it is Derpy and all, and we know she did things like drop a piano on someone's head and wrecked stuff by bumping into them. Though in light of the reaction of the ponies in the cartoon to all of this, none of it seems that big of a deal to them, other than it being annoying to them. Granted if it was real life, something might have been done about such a person, like sent to an institution where the person would be looked after, and not do further harm. In the cartoon, she was just comic relief. Never one that was considered dangerous to others. Just a little Derpy is all.
Yes, it is a disappointment. For all the faults I know I have in my last story, I do feel I did at least a halfway decent job in covering many of the important events that happened in it. Though there was a lot of others I did not cover so well. Like detailing fully the outing Pinkie, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash had. I could have done more with all of that than I did. Other than just saying that Pinkie beat Applejack at a pie eating contest. I also could have covered more the talk Derpy had with Dinky about Fluttershy's death. I only stated that they did have that talk. I did not show how it went. There I go again, Telling, instead of showing.
Yes, I could have done more. Though most of what I did leave out was not critical to the story, unless left out intentionally, to be picked up later in the last story.
In this story here, it would have indeed been good for it to have told more on how and why she got locked up. Seems more time was spent on the funeral than this. And that part would have been more interesting to know than what went on at a funeral, and who was not there I guess. Then again I did have one chapter mostly dedicated to being a short funeral scene In my last one. Still, this story looks possibly worth looking into once anyway. I don’t mind a story spending some time dealing with a sentimental issue. To me, depending on how it is done and what it was for, can help make it an enjoyable story to me. Just call me an old softy.
I don't know what is more Goofy, Durpy, or that?
OK, I don't get this at all. She gets so much training, and much of it to do with flight, and she doesn't get to use it, even if her adversary is an earth pony? Hell for the type of grupe she is training with, this rule makes no sense to me. It might if it was a sanctioned tournament of world fighters, put on display for the public. But not for a... I give up. The fight is done the way it is going to be done. No need to cry over spilled milk. Now I got that word "milksop" in my head, even though it has nothing to do with this.
"their bored state" Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Other than know how to fight while flying. It helps to train in that, while actually fighting while flying.
As would I. It is the best part of Derpy being Derpy. Hell even I have used her goofyness to her advantage in a part of it. Just as this story did. Though it did not help her later on in mine. I was not creating heroes in my story. As much as I would have liked her to have been one in it.
It is. But not a bad thing to have an opinion. What I feel is bad, is for a person to try and make others have their opinion. Not bad to have one of their own.
It is perfectly OK' for a person to give an opinion, and by doing so place it on the table for all to see. It is up to all others to decide if they like said opinion, and take to it. Truthfully that is how it all works anyway. I tell my boss this at times. And at times I feels he still does not get it.
Cool! Yes, these are some of the moments in a story I like best. A good old tension builder.
I will try to keep quiet about what I said earlier about this. Seeing how you know what you did.
This is giving us as much as the reason she was in jail in the first place.
Why did she hate him? Hate is a strong word. And for what? For standing next to her cell? Did he tease her a lot or something?
It might be found in the story if I read it.
Good Call!
No, no. That never get's old.
I agree. This is the sort of stuff that helps makes for an interesting story, rather than a straightforward set of predictable events. I will admit, mine are a little too straightforward. Not much in the line of twists to them. A little, but not much.
I can live with that.
Oh' hell, I laughed so hard. :ranbowlaugh:
You got to see A Lost Hope. It starts off just like that!
I should follow the voices in my head more often, for they typically lead to good.
I think some call it having a conscience, like Jiminy Cricket. Oh' Jiminy, that is a good idea. But I will lie anyway, its more fun to see what happens after. Oops, there goes that nose again. It's magic!
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I used this elsewhere, but I will use it here as well.
Donkey recalled to Shrek his time at a children's party. "I will never forget that day. My eyes are still twitchen. The kids started chasing me and hitting me with sticks while yelling, Pinata pinata! What's a pinata anyway?"
Entertaining as always.
From what you have said about the the story overall, I think I just might like that as well.
This is actually the first review I seen you do where you give it a thumbs up. Nice.
Looking forward to it.
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This is much on how I felt when I saw he did a critique on one of my stories. Even though he tore into it (as he does with most any story), and gave it a thumbs down. That didn't bother me. I was surprised and pleased that he spent the time to go over it as he did. His critique I found as amusing, insightful, and entertaining.
I was grateful for his insight and felt I had really only one disagreement about his critique. He felt that I left the end of it empty. It ended with nothing left for one to worry about. It was the one thing I felt I needed to correct him on what he said. It was never mentioned that the monster in it had died. In fact, one in the story pointed out that she felt it was still alive, and possibly still a problem, they even covered that possibility, and would talk to the Mayor about it. I put that in the story because I intended to do more with it. But that little oversight I felt he made was small. I gained so much more on what I did wrong with it, that I did much of it over. A near full rewrite, with additions and changes do to his input.
Over all I have been following his critiques of other stories since. I feel he does some entertaining reviews. I just like reading them.
You get to know he tends to do that. Dwell on missing details. Would not be much of a critique if he didn't.
I usually don't. Usually. But that is me, and I am no real critique.
I almost was. Yes, that part got to me much the same. I had to stop reading for a moment after that.
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I've put a few of my characters through some serious shit as well. Still, (and this part may seem out of place to some readers) I still try to keep them somewhat chipper, just as they might be in the cartoon. Though while dealing with death, it is hard to keep everyone happy. Then again, such moments are not supposed to be happy.
As far as who is the problem in how it is perceived, I often enough question the same of myself. Is it others just being picky, or if it is me, and what I write, as well as how it was written? Personal perception VS that of others, can become quite the debate.
Oh' I second that notion. Though Pinkie would make for a great Harley Quinn…
Imagine that. Derpy as the Batmare dueling it out with Pinkie as Harley Quinn.
Question is, Who would be the Joker? Rainbow Dash? No! Cheese Sandwich.
Now that would work for me!
Just as I was thinking.
OK' I just came across the second funniest thing I found on this page so far. I'm dying here, I'M dying! It's murder, absolutely murder!
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As did I.
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Let me know what you think of it if you do. 
Glad you're interested in my fic after reading the review, and I do hope you decide to read it some time, I always love new readers!
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Seeing that you asked, sure I will take a look at your story and let you know what I personally think of it. Even though I had planed to.
I will do so after I finish reading The Incredible Flutterhulk. I just got started on it, so it my take some time before I get to yours, but yours will be next. That is for sure.
I do understand what you say on your reason for not fully telling what it was Derpy did that landed her in jail. And you are right. It is not critical to the story. It is just pleasant for a reader to know. Just knowing Derpy, one can use their imagination, and accept that she goofed up bad enough for that to have happened to her. And it was not that big of a deal that she was in jail for a day. It is the kind of sentence some my get for being drunk and disorderly. It's not like she was being sentence to a year, or sentenced to death. If that was the case, yes, some explication would be needed for something like that. Yes, I also feel The Critique is right as well in that it would have been good to have some specifics told for the sake of the reader. But it depends on the reader if they feel they needed that in there for them to know. It does however give a reader like myself a chance to play with some ideas of what happened on my own. And I don't mind doing that, it is rather fun for me to do that.
Some may say that I am being a hypocrite, but I am one who is not just one way about all situations. I like to consider the many possibilities within a given situation or concept. I tend to think in the gray, rather than strictly in the black and white. It would be hypocrisy if I said people should not kill, and have doing so as my life profession, and enjoy it.
I also left out at least two or more moments within the two stories I made that go together. One thing left out is, I mentioned that the youngsters in it have played together for the past two months that they have know each other. Though I only shown one moment in which they did play together, and that was at the very beginning of the first story. I never gave any other examples of them playing together. But the story was not about them playing, just something they had done before current events. So I did not add many moments of them playing together, even though I possibly could have with a few extra flashbacks. Though my story has so many flashbacks already, it did not need any more for that.
It is much as you had done in your story. Derpy did something that got her in trouble do to her clumsiness. It dose not take a genius to imagin how or why.
The biggest thing I left out of my two stories was on how the out of place monster in the story got into Equestria or why it was even there in the first place. This is one thing I can see as being a big frustration for a reader who came across it. Unfortunately for some readers it is purposely set that the reader would not know by me telling of all that. The ponies don't know how it got there or what it is, and so I felt the reader did not need to know either. I just chalked it up as a mystery the reader would have to deal with. That little mystery was suppose to be part of the experience for the reader while reading it. And it was not left out because I did not come up with a reason for it to be there. The reason I had, and would have been explained in the third and final part. It is also unfortunate, some can't stand a mystery and feel they need everything explained and handed to them, so they don,t have to think to hard about the possibilities for themselves. At least for a little while, till all or most could be explained, if it ever is.
And no worries about having to defending your story. I was pleased to read your thoughts on the matter. I like to get input from the writer on any given issue that may arise. Or not even an issue, I like to read from the writer most any given thoughts they may have on there own story. Sometimes it is just as entertaining if not more so then the story itself. I have read plenty of comments form a writer, and was pleased to gain some extra insight from them about their story.
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Many thanks, good sir.
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Don't thank me yet, I still haven't given my thoughts on your story.