Sooooo... · 2:11am May 6th, 2015
It's been a while, huh?
Hello everyone.
I realize I probably should have warned you guys last time that it was going to go into boring personal stuff, something this blog is also going to do. So, be ye warned, I guesseth. A TeaL DeeR will be readily available for your convenience near the bottom of this post, if you want to skip the introspective sentimentality.
So yeah. I took a month-long break from writing. A whole month (and a bit more) where I forbade myself from even thinking about writing, horsewords, or the combination thereof.
And you know what? I didn't miss it. Not even for a second. When I decided to take a break, I was mildly expecting season five to rekindle the passion; to add a bit of fuel to the fire, to bring me back to this neat little thing I loved. Or at least I was hoping it would.
It didn't. Staying away from writing never got hard, never became a fight with my resolve; honestly I probably would have jumped at the chance as soon as even a sliver of temptation presented itself.
So yeah. For the whole month of april, I didn't write poneprose. I barely even read any.
What I did do, however, was think about it. I thought about why I was doing it, what I was getting out of it, and what I even expected.
And truthfully? The answer to all of these is pretty much "nothing."
Why did I write? 'Dunno, it was fun.
What I got out of writing? Praise I don't really need? A slight increase to a skill I only ever used for itself? A better critical eye that still can't surpass my natural "uh, I liked/disliked it because uhhhhhh"?
What did I even expect out of this? Pretty much nothing. I went in there hoping it'd be fun, and expecting to fail and/or remain in perfect obscurity forever. I was proven wrong on both counts, but then what? What more is there to expect? A career in MLP fanfiction? I'm neither shameless nor productive enough to even come close to making this lunacy somewhat plausible.
No. Nothing except fun. But fun isn't everything.
Thinking about it, I finally came to admit there's one thing I wrote for; maybe it wasn't always this way, but it definitely became my main reason. Procrastination. A convenient, guilt-free excuse to avoid doing other stuff. Other stuff I've been meaning to do for years, but that I've avoided because I'm a slug, a lazy sack of nothing who is afraid of commitment and scared of doing the things he needs to do.
Being afraid of doing the one thing I wanted, I wished I was doing for years; the one thing that's even close to a goal I have in my life... How fucking lame is that?
It was easy at first; it was fun. I just fumbled with a keyboard for a few hours and I could forget everything. And then I got applauded for it. so I kept it up and got praised even more, and my infinitesimal E-fame grew to something microscopic instead, and the butterflies in my guts helped me forget the little stone of bile I was cultivating in there too.
And then the flow died down. The words wouldn't come as easily, and then not at all, and all I was left with was the resentment of "failing to have fun."
The thing I used to escape my own dream stopped working. It became an excuse; the thing I felt obligated to finish before trying something else. Equineliterature became a roadblock between me and my dream; the prison I could only escape with a torrent of words when all I had was a leaking pipe stuck shut. I should have been able to do more, but I didn't. I wasn't.
And I guess that's also why I even tried so hard. Two and a half years later, nearly two-hundred thousand words later and all I have to show are twelve stories, a quarter of which aren't even finished. And all of that brought me no closer to what I actually wanted to do, all in the name of some fun I can't taste anymore.
Felt like a waste, so I tried harder to see it through. I shouldn't have.
I suppose that what I'm convoluted-ly getting at is that yeah, the break didn't help me write more. Or, actually, it did help, but not in the way that's a good thing for you all. I don't think I can write more ungulatescripts. Honestly I think I definitely shouldn't. Pushing it so hard, for so long, was a bad decision and I need to stop.
I have my own characters, with their own stories to tell, and a dream of making something beautiful; directly with my hands instead of through the proxy of words on a keyboard. I have art in me, art that I've bottled up and let wither for years even before equustories took over my mind. I owe it to myself first and to them second to let them have their chance, and I can't let my own stupidity interfere with that anymore. I have to take a stand, or at least make a promise. I need to move on.
TL;DR
I'm officially quitting. I apparently can't, and definitely shouldn't, write more fanfiction of these small horses. I've concluded that it is neither viable or advisable to keep trying, and I have to do something else with myself.
I was thinking of inventing some platitude about this being sudden for you guys, but I'm not sure anything about this can really be considered "sudden". In any case, there's already enough about all this that I hate myself for, so I'm not going to add "being a dick who just vanishes without a word and never gives his readers a conclusion to those stories they like" to the pile. I'm fully willing to find a way to give you guys the endings you can never have.
I see three ways to do that, each with its own set of disadvantages and faults, and varying degrees of expediency.
-Infodumps: I basically summarize everything that hasn't happened yet, spoiling the whole stories at light-speed and leaving you to imagine how awesome it would have been to see the events all written-out fancy and stuff. Probably done in a blog such as this, with clear indication of the nature of these blogs.
Pros: The fastest option by a far margin, I could reveal the remaining plot of both "My Voice in a Head" and "Frequencies; To End The Signal" in a matter of days. "Undead Princess Twilight Sparkle: Monster Slayer" never had anything resembling an overall narrative planned out and was basically set up to be a series of whatever episodic ideas came to me whenever, so there's nothing there to make one such infodump about.
Cons: A probably very dissatisfying option, would basically dangle the idea of what these stories could have been in front of your faces, and then shrugging all the way out the door after dropping them in the mud.
-Passing the torch: As you might have already guessed, this option involves me basically doing the infodump option to a single person around here, who would then be tasked with writing the dang things in my place. Maybe each story could be passed off to a different writer, to make things easier.
Pros: -Actual prose!
-Probably a more reliable update schedule!
-Much love from many people to whoever does it!
Cons: -Unless one of you awesome guys/gals/lobsters volunteer for it, I'd have no idea who to ask or even how to approach someone with such a request, so it might not happen even if there is an overwhelming demand for that option.
-Whoever undertakes this task would need to at least meet or surpass my insane expectations of quality (for example, "near-flawless grammar on the first try without editing") and I'd be extremely reluctant to entrust this to someone I'm even unsure about.
-Possible decrease in quality; loss of my personal "style", whatever that is.
-There's always the risk that whoever is chosen to write the stories could also leave pony writing forever, and possibly in even more disappointing circumstances, so that'd suck a lot of balls.
-It would be take more time than the infodump option.
-Personally I'm sure I'd have an overwhelming, overbearing desire to make sure things stay up to my own standards, forcing me to stick around and at least edit and proof-read the other writer's work. I'd be a huge annoying nag.
-Waiting it out: Basically doing nothing at all and hoping some magic pixie semen hurricane brings back the inspiration somehow.
Pros:-You guys get to keep the hope alive, at no effort to anyone but myself!
-If I ever get around to it, it'll be just like old times!
Cons:-Might take up to and including "forever" time.
-Encourages the bad habit that put us all in this mess in the first place.
-Will probably eventually fill me with unending hate for everything I've done here, if the trend continues.
-You guys get nothing at all until this miracle happens.
So, I don't know. Cast your magical votes, you hungry democratic word-wizards, or suggest new and inventive solutions to this problem.
Or something.
EVEN TEALER DEER:
I'm out of this writing biz, yo.
Scroll up a bit to see what you can tell me to do about it.
I'm not leaving the site, and definitely not quitting pony altogether, but you certainly shouldn't expect any more horse words from me, basically forever.
Man, it's times like these I wish I was into that whole "booze" thing, 'cause I sure feel like I need a drink right about now.
All of my sads :c
Well, I can't say that I'm not disappointed, but I can say that I wouldn't ask anyone to keep doing stuff that they didn't like or want to do just to please some random internet peeps. I suppose that option 2 would be ideal, but if that ends up not being able to happen, then I'd rather just see the whole plot than keep hoping for something that will probably never come.
Good for you for not only sticking to the decision without feeling like you had to stay around, but deciding to finish up your stories anyway. I'd suggest infodumping if no one comes forward. (I would, if I didn't have all my own projects to finish. ._.) The other pro is that if the inspiration ever does return, you can go back and expand the infodumps into actual story, rather than waiting around and having done nothing in the meantime.
Best of luck in wherever you go next. :D
Eh, I'm happy to at least have gotten a "Cya." most authors just die.
Option two, Option One if it doesn't pan out.
Blergh. This hasn't been a good year so far...
Ah, sorry about that. Just wallowing in my own melancholy for the moment... Regardless, though, I'm not sure why Option Three needs to be an option. There isn't a permanent ban the universe issues out saying "THIS PERSON. NEVER ALLOWED TO WRITE, FOREVAH!". But then, I'm not you. I dun know exactly what your perspectives and such are.
while i'm sad to hear you're not going to write anymore, i'm ecstatic to know that you'll still be around (^ _ ^)
(far too many ponypeeps disappear without a trace)
I'm not leaving the site, and definitely not quitting pony altogether
That made me very happy
Man, it's times like these I wish I was into that whole "booze" thing,
Not to sound like a douche, but I'm glad you aren't!
But, what happens now? I'm gonna be honest with ya, even though I haven't been reading your work, I am saddened when another Brony Writer just stops. You stringed me along in this blog and showed me a part of the narrative of your life. I want to know, what have you been putting off? Writing non fanfiction? Other dreams? I'm just very curious because I feel like I'm in a very similar boat, though, I do have other projects so thankfully I'm not just having fun on this site.
Options? Do whatever options you feel are best.
Whatever you decide to do, though, good luck!
I'm sad to see such a creative writer throw in the towel, but if the equine words are sucking the creative juices outta your true passions then do what you gotta do!
I would prefer option 2 moving forward.
I respect both your decision and your resolve in carrying it out. Best of luck in your non-hippolexic efforts.
Also, my vote's for infodumps.
My preference would be for "passing the torch," but if that's not viable, I'd vote for infodumps.
Well, we're all (mostly, at least) here for fun, so, can't disagree with your conclusion.
All.
The.
Funny.
Tiny.
Equines.
pinkielicio.us/pinkie-crazy.png
Ehum, that said; don't be shy to write anything here if you're ever again feeling up for it, because, well, you're good at it.
As for the options for how to proceed, I think, in order: 3, 2, 1.
(3) If you think you'll ever feel like returning to where you left off, I could wait, heck, stories have gotten recovered after year(s) of dormancy.
(2) But, if you don't think that'll happen, well, finding someone willing to continue would be preferred, as the story could continue living on through another's voice. Though, I'm with you there, no idea how such a thing happens. I guess you could try posting a specific blog or something (are there groups for this kind of thing?) where people could respond if interested.
(1) Lastly, the infodumps. If noone wants to continue, and you don't think you're getting back into it, well, at least we'd get closure. I can't help but wonder how The Signal ends, afterall.
All the best to you, and don't be too harsh on yourself. We'll live. The important thing is having fun, not writing because of "having to". I know you didn't want to hear that the last time, but, well, it's true.
Finally, if you are pursuing your own original art, be it fiction, drawing, animation or whatever, best of luck with that!
I know i wasnt really active while you wrote the stories, but you were one of those five fimfic writers who i respected and loved. I talk in the name of those who were silent readers like me, that we will miss you and wish the best for you in the future. Words cant express what i feel right now, im sorry.
As for what to do with the stories: close them, give them a proper funeral, and let the readers know how the story would unfold eventually. There is nothing worse than a journey which have no destination.
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The very low-key, foolish dream of making a webcomic.
There's a whole world in my head, and I want to share it.
3063436 Do it!