Heart to Heart · 7:03pm Mar 15th, 2015
Lookie lookie, it's time for another update! Let's get right to it, shall we?
These last two weeks have been nothing if not eventful. While the actual progress being made on "Stay" has been slower than I'd like, it was more of a moral victory on my end in that I was spending at least some time writing almost every day. It has been a real struggle as of late to work up the energy and motivation to knuckle down and work on my stories with how wiped out I've been feeling after work, but nothing worth having comes without effort, and I've been doing what I can to alter my habits to make time for writing. While it's certainly a day by day battle, my confidence has been growing slowly but steadily under God's gentle coaxing.
That brings me to my second point. Writing is something that I am genuinely passionate about, so why is it that I consistently let distractions of lesser things consistently persuade me to lay it aside? I've been spending quite a bit of time in personal reflection and prayer, and what I'm finding is that my priorities are simply out of line, and it's going to take persistent effort to straighten them out. Fortunately, God has been been blindsiding me left and right with teachable moments, and that has been instrumental in retaining my focus.
"Whoa, Wintergreen, what's with all the God talk?" some of you might be thinking. That's a fair question, considering that I haven't really been open with my faith. Sure, I may have made a comment here or there, but not much else. The reason for that is because I was too ashamed of my spiritual condition to bring it up. Some of you may not care to keep reading, but for those who do, I'd like to share a little bit of my testimony.
I was raised in a Christian home, and am actually the son of a former pastor, so "religion" was always a part of my life. For much of my youth, I was the central pillar of faith that all of my friends looked up to, and my entire identity was founded up on Christ. That all changed in 2009 when I found myself ensnared in another's lies, and as a result, I ignored God's voice. Many compare His urging to a whisper, but He couldn't have been shouting any louder not to follow what was in my heart to do. By that time, though, I felt too far gone to claw my way back, and I made a grievous mistake, one that I can still feel the effects of today.
It doesn't matter how many words I can call to mind, none of them rightly seem to describe how broken my spirit was in the aftermath. Even though I knew that there was no mistake so great that God couldn't cover it over, it felt like I had severed myself from Him. The feelings of worthlessness and guilt over my blatant disobedience weighed heavily upon my shoulders, and slowly but surely, I began to drift away, feeling too unworthy to even show Him my face. He had been my center for so long, and without that foundation, I was lost, floundering, just scraping for some kind of stability. And yet, even in that desperation, it took nearly five years for me to genuinely, honestly come to a spot where I was desperate enough to approach the Father that I had turned my back on.
Right around the turn of the year, I hit my breaking point. Apathy had become the most dominant emotion in my life, and I had come to a point where I honestly wondered, almost longed for, release from this life. One evening, I found myself speaking with my older brother, one of the few people whose voice still carried some weight in my life. He was, understandably, concerned as I explained how hopeless I felt, and he suggested a certain series of sermons that his pastor had given that he thought might help me out. Were it anyone else making the suggestion, I don't know that I would have even gave it a second thought, but I agreed that I'd at least give it a shot.
Truthfully, I didn't expect anything to come of it. I had read my bible for years after my self-inflicted catastrophe, spent hours in prayer, only to feel ignored and cast aside. Isaiah 64:8 says "Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." If that's the case, then I jumped from the shelf and shattered upon the floor. I felt swept into the corner, left to pick up the pieces myself, and there was a real bitterness in my heart towards God, despite knowing that it was my own choices that had wrenched me away. That morning, with nothing left but desperation, I asked Him to, if I was still worth anything to Him, prove that I wasn't too far gone. More than anything, I just wanted to be assured beyond any faithless doubt my heart could conjure that He still loved me. And... He did. In spite of my previous unfaithfulness and the years that I had squandered trying to put things back together on my own, He heard that quiet whisper, and reached down to meet me right there, right where I was at.
I couldn't tell you what exactly was said in the sermon that I was listening to. I can't recall the points that were made or the verses quoted, but what I can say is that it seemed like it had been custom tailored and delivered specifically for me. All the doubts that were harbored in my soul were called out and driven off, the shame and guilt put to flight, and by the time the sermon drew to a close, all that was left was the simple assurance that God still, through everything that had happened, loved me more than I could possibly comprehend. Completely overcome by the power of His presence and the love that I could feel washing over me, I fell to the floor and wept. For the longest time, I had held this distorted view of God, like He was just an over-bearing taskmaster demanding perfect obedience, and that moment may be the first time that I really, truly saw Him as the loving father He actually is.
... And that, my fellow ponies, is the only reason that I continue to write. Were it not for His conviction upon my heart to complete what I've started, "The Cheval Glass" would have been the end. Any confidence I can claim, any inspiration that I have: it all comes from Him. So, believer or not, you all better be darn thankful that He gives good hugs, 'cause were it not for that day, you wouldn't be able to look forward to reading this:
Your story brought me to tears more than any moment in your series ever has. I flounder and worry from time to time about my own relationship with God so I thank you for sharing your own tale with us. Hearing about others returning to faith helps me strengthen my own. Welcome back to God's family Cerulean, and I look forward to reading your next installment.
I want to thank you for sharing that. Though I haven't fallen quite so far as it sounds like you had, I have only recently begun back on the path to our loving Father. I thankful for your example of overcoming through God's help, and I look forward to seeing where this path continues to lead.
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2880254 Thank you both for your encouragement and kind words. Honestly, I wasn't sure what kind of response to expect after posting something like that, but hearing that it has brightened even one more day makes it worthwhile. Also... Cerulean? That's a name I don't hear much anymore!
2880284 Only because I call you Ceru instead of Cerulean. >:[
)
(On the plus side, Wishes approves both God AND snuggles, so she 100% endorses this blog!
I may not be very religious... in fact, I am not at all, and I may make the odd joke here or there, but nothing malicious. If anything, I have even more respect for you that you have once more found your faith and renewed the strength to carry. With or without god, that shows a strength of character I admire, and something I sometimes wish I could have myself.
I hope that means will see more of you again in the coming days, because you are an inspiration to most, even if it doesn't seem like it.
Edit; what's with Pinkie's collar?
2880408 When I was growing up, I would constantly point my finger at the pharisees and their hypocrisy with unabashed condemnation, ardently determined not to show the same. And then, within the course of a few misguided choices, had brought myself to a place where I was guilty of the same. How could I dare to speak out boldly about beliefs that I had cast aside? I'm sure that most of us have ran into those people that profess some kind of faith in Christ, only to turn around and completely deny Him with their actions. I didn't want to be that kind of person, but neither did I feel the strength at the time to even try to live up to the rigid standard of near perfection that I set for myself. That's why there was that shame, and that shame spread into other areas of my life like a virulent poison.
Fortunately, I found the antidote. And, while far from perfect, I've at least recovered enough to be able to raise a shaky hand and stand for what I believe. Oh, and for the record? That "strength of character" you noticed is not of my own strength, trust me.
2880433 It may not of been your own strength, but that doesn't mean I respect you any less. More, in fact.
2880447 Fair enough, I'll accept that. XD
It's good to see a fellow Christian return to Christ!
Well I'm as atheist as it comes mostly thanks to my family background being entirely atheist from generations and I find it rather disconcerting when people of any faith discredit themselves from their own achievement under the guise of some almighty being did it for them but I'm glad at least that you're finding that it's helping you along
2880673 Oh, don't misunderstand! It's not a matter of some "almighty being... doing it for me." Every choice made is entirely of my own volition, and I am simply giving credit where credit is due. I, in and of myself, am not a person of great drive or ambition, so I am just recognizing the role that God played in helping me stand up and dust myself off, so to speak. Lord knows I spent long enough face down tasting grit when relying on my own strength...
I am glad you've found strength again in Christ, brother
also, I am sure we are all looking forward to your new story 
Coolbeans. Come to BABSCon?
It's nice to see a brother in the MLP writing community!
Welcome back to the family.